I am a former WS. I tried everything in my power to work things out between my ExH and I but he just couldnt bear to stay with me after what I did. I am not making excuses about what I did but I find it highly strange that not a few mths after he found out about me that he met this OW and not even a few days after our divorce was finalized that he was asking her to marry him. She said no because he met her overseas and she is set up to marry someone else ( arranged marriage). Our divorce was finalized in April of last yr, this past xmas when he came home on leave he wanted to talk to me about the kids and see how I was doing. I can tell you this I hadn't been doing good I was in an emotional abusive relationship and thought I deserved everything that I got because of what I did to my ExH. Well a few wks before xmas the exbf and i split and my ExH came home on leave to see the kids. Well we met and it brought back memories like we were never apart. We got intimate which now i wish we never would have and discussed that whatever may be may be and that we could still date and go on like always and when he got back we could take the time to work it out. My nieve self thought he fell in love with me again so I havent dated anyone since he has been gone. I feel like he would think i was cheating even though we never made promises and he said he wanted to regain my trust. He is now back overseas with the OW and i know sleeping with her. He told me while he was here that he knew it couldnt go on cause he could never have her so i thought he would leave her to move on with her life. I asked if i could take the kids over to see him and he said that would be great saying he wants to be intimate with me behind the kids back (so as not to confuse them if we didnt work out). He tells me he wants me to meet the OW and I just don't feel like that is appropriate at all. First of all how would that look to my son when he will introduce her and she problably wont ever be in his life again and why introduce her to me? To rub it in my face!? I just feel like i am on the backburner and i am supposed to hold my breath waiting for him to make up his mind whether to try again or let me move on like I have been. I feel like I have been punished enough by my exbf verbally attacking me and have gained the strength to get my life in order. I am proud to say that i am in college full time and working and trying to raise our 2 children on my own with little help at all. When he talks to me on messenger he wants to talk sexual sometimes and now after finding out that he is with her still I want to tell him i cant do that anymore and that from now on till he breaks it off with her I want to talk as friends and that is all. Does that sound good or what should I tell him? He has me all confused and tells me not to worry about us.

If you are interested in seeing if you can reconcile with your XH, it sound like you have to set some clear boundaries (and everyone on here knows I am NO GOOD at that, so I won't give advice on how to do it):

However, if it was me, I'd remain platonic "friends only" until it was proven that he was no longer in contact with OW. Right now I'd worry that he's keeping you on the side but having his fun with her while he's away, and that's not a way to rebuild.

Why does he go overseas anyway? And I'm not trying to be negative, but some of the countries over there have a much higher STD rate than we do. Be sure you haven't or are not exposing yourself to something like that.

LL

lordslady,

He is over there because he is in the military and thought it would be better to extend than get sent to Iraq. I got done talking to him on IM tonight and he sounds so much different like the whole time he was home was a big joke. Promising to call and write the kids more and he still hasnt kept that promise.
I have thought about making boundaries and I plan on telling him that if he is still dating her than I am going to go out with the next person who asks me. I am not waiting on him to figure out just what exactly he does want. It doesn't seem fair I have apoligized and told him what i went through with my exbf and the reason why i stayed with him as long as i did and I guess it still isnt enough. He wants to learn to trust me again well how am I supposed to earn that trust back? By staying home all the time waiting on him to decide and he has stated that it will take a long time. So I am supposed to sit on the sidelines and wait....????? If we were seperated I could understand this but we are divorced and that meant to me that there was no chance for us so I started to move forward then he comes home and we spend time together and now it is all confusing to me. Any advice on how to handle this?

I hope someone replys soon or can send me there IM name. I would really like to talk to someone on here about this and I know it is hard to sit down and type and then wait for a reply. It is very hard to tell my whole story in detail when you only have so much space on here.

I would also love to help anyone on here if I can. Please let me know if you would like to chat.

Thank you lordslady for replying to me

Hi vryhurt,

I am sorry about the circumstances that bring you here, but I hope that you find help. There are lots of amazing people here with lots of great advice. (I'm not sure how great my advice is, but I hate the thought of you sitting there waiting for replies. Weekends are always slower on MB, and the Divorcing board does not get as much traffic as General Questions II.)

I just had a few thoughts while reading your story:

1) First and foremost, what do you want? Do you really want to be with your XH? (I was asked this question when I first arrived at MB and it has stayed with me ever since.) Obviously to some degree you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here. But from what I read here (and have experienced myself) the road to potential recovery (not to mention recovery itself) is long and hard. It can also be tremendously rewarding. Knowing that you really do want to build a loving, mutually trusting relationship with your XH, if it is possible, is probably the first step.

2) Are you in individual counselling? No matter what happens with your XH, there are issues in your past that you need to come to terms with before you can bring a whole person into a relationship. Have you explored what led up to your affair and why it happened? Do you know what you need to change in yourself to prevent it from happening again? It sounds as though there were some ugly moments in your relationship with your exBF and that you somehow felt you deserved them. (No one deserves to be abused. No matter what they have done in the past.) Why is that?

3) It is inappropriate for your husband to be having a relationship with two women. It doesn't matter if he says there is no future with the other woman or if he says that he is with her only until he can trust you again. If he truly wants to rebuild a relationship with you, then he cannot be in a relationship with her. It's his choice to make, but I think it is also up to you to set boundaries so that it is a choice he has to make.

I hope someone with more experience than I have jumps in here, but from what I can see, all that would be gained by your continuing to allow him to sit on the fence is increasing disrespect - he will disrespect you for not standing up to inappropriate behavior and you will disrespect yourself. Yes, you had an affair. From what I can tell, it is over, you are sorry and you would like to rebuild your relationship. Your mistake does not justify his gross disrespect of you.

I'm not sure about the actual logistics here, but I believe it is important for you to tell him that you are sorry for your past mistakes and that you are willing to make the individual changes necessary to heal your relationship. You would very much like to reconcile (if indeed that is what you would like) but that reconciliation is not possible while he is in another relationship. (This sounds very much like a Plan B letter, although in a lot of ways it isn't.)

Then I think it's up to you to determine what you will and won't accept. You can't change his actions, but you can refuse to participate in behaviors that are disrespectful to you. Sleeping with you behind anyone's back is disrespectful to you and to the backs behind which he is doing it. Messenger sex is disrespectful to you (and to the OW - I know her feelings likely don't matter to you, but the fact that he is so willing to go behind her back does speak to his character as well).

There is nothing wrong with maintaining a cordial relationship - I would encourage you to do that for the sake of your kids. But in terms of your relationship, unless you both come into it with the desire to treat one another respectfully and maintain your own personal boundaries, I suspect there will be further harm done.

If you haven't already, read elsewhere on this site - lots. You might want to post on GQII - you'll probably get more replies from people who will have much more valuable opinions than mine.

Blessings to you. I have been in the position of raising two children by myself while their father was far away and having another relationship. It is not easy. At this point, even more important than your XH are your children. You owe it to them to find personal healing and to create a stable and loving home where they can find nurturing and protection.

Take care,

Gris

I wrote a heartfelt letter to my exh in a valentines card from my kids shortly after he left. He recieved it last week and all he said about it was it was nice and reciprocated by sending me a valentines e-card. I was very hurt by it because it was this nasty, fat hairy dude stripping down. If one of my friends gave it to me I wouldnt of cared and would of thought it was hilarious but after spending time to write him that letter, I felt like it was a slap in the face. Or am I just being too sensitive?

I also wanted to reply to griselda and say that I know the reasons I did what I did have explained them to him in a letter before we divorced and he didnt care. I have no excuse for doing what I did but I did let him know. I get so upset with him because the biggest reason I did was what he is doing to the kids now and has been since he has been to Korea ( he has been stationed there since 2002 and only sees them on xmas). Ignoring them by not calling, IMing , or writing to them as I think he should. He has been gone almost a mth and has only called and IM'd them once. Instead of spending some of his freetime writing the kids like he has promised, he is spending time with "her". I know this sounds immature of me to be complaining like this but it hurts that he doesnt put our kids above everything else like I do. I love my children so much and would do anything for them and it seems like they are a distraction to him. He couldnt even take the time to send our daughter a regular card through the mail. "I" had to get one for him to give her on her b-day. I will be surprised if he even calls her. We will see.

Well the ExH called me and the plans to go over and visit are still on. I still havent asked what is up with us and what he expects from me. I think I will just tell him the next time we have a heart to heart. I don't want to be someones intimate partner when the need arises. If I am going to be intimate it will be in a serious relationship or one where I am more sure of then what he is making me feel. One of my friends says her dad does that to her mom. When he is in town he expects them to hook up. Well now she has put a stop to that and I don't want to end up that way. It is either we take steps to work it out or we move on. This waiting game is really not fair. I have not gone out on a date since he left and it is mainly because I want him to learn how to trust me but am I supposed to wait around forever especially if he has no plans at all about getting back with me ?
How do you begin to rebuild the trust when you arent sure where things will lead? It's not like we are still married and I have some type of hope. What should I say to him about this without sounding like I am pressuring him?