I am reposting part of my update on "dating" thread here.

Whether we want to admit it or not, divorce is VERY STRESSFUL. And it will take its toll even on those pretty well in shape. Those who know about being healthy. Yep. And I am admitting it took it's toll on me.

And I want to do something about it.

I think WE together can do something positive now that we are embarking on a new life change. And that is to show our kids we love them enough to stay healthy for them and strong for them. And for ourselves too...

repost I am pasting here:
I would like to add, I need some prayer right now. A D and the stress that a D and disentegrating marriage can YES take a toll on your health. My blood pressure is markedly higher than had been say 2 years ago. It was high on friday at my employee physical. Systolic wasn't high, but the diastolic was. Since that day, took a complete turn around. Am getting ready to go to gym for an hour to workout, eating very very healthy, (usually my diet isn't all that bad anyway) and am using some herbal treatments and minerals to try to combat what I know is due to 3.5 years dealing with the stressors I have dealt with.

Let this be a wake up call to all of us on this board. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. You have to when stress is slamming down on you occasionally. It's hard to begin your life again. Especially hard if you have kids, and even harder when your x leaves you with financial troubles.

Pray that this whole blood pressure issue was related to an issue regarding my son (one issue plus his having walking pneumonia) on friday. And having a stiletto wearing ow/w pick up your child in your face...pray it was just stress. And pray that through exercise, natural treatments will do it. We gotta hang tough for our kids, our families, and for ourselves. This new life we're entering is not for the faint hearted.

Prayers, good karma, good thoughts, whatever. PLEASE SHOOT EM' MY WAY. Instead of letting this freak me out as it might have done a few years back, I have decided to take the bull by the horns and do something about it NOW. Not wait. I saw the stress of my dad, who incidentally was also a BS, who worked 2 jobs for his children so we could go to the best schools, have his W stay at home, pay all the bills, never take a vacation, die before his time. While nothing else is wrong with me, I am not taking anything for granted.

So along with the prayers, good karma, and what not...I ask you to join me on this valentine's day and committ to your families your Love and HEALTH.

Are you with me? Let's gather here, maybe make a new thread called "divorce and health" and let's heal ourselves inside and out. I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON OUT HERE WITH STRESS RELATED ISSUES. We can help each other out!

I have a failing marriage, a recent separation, domestic violence, likely a divorce, and my father is dying. Two huge stressful events all at once in my life. I am trying to stay healthy, but I got sick the last few weeks, my immunity was low, the baby was sick too. We are well now, it's almost spring but I have to fly home to be with my dad in likely his final days, reports were bad this week as the cancer closes his throat and chokes him to death. Prayer, God, eating right, walking, trying to stay as positive as I can... life isn't great right now but there's only one way out of this and it's up as I'm fairly close to bottoming out. I thank God for my friends and family, so much support and this website where I go to vent, and chat, and get advice and to keep myself from going insane.

You know, I hear ya. I believe it too, but it just has been hard making the connection these past few months.

I'm going to make the time for me.

Horsey...am so sorry. Understand your pain. Lost my dad one year tragically before xwh began in affairs. It crushed me completely. Will pray for your father and that he has peace and is free of pain. And yes, stress, excessive stress can make your resistance not too strong.

Maybe I can ask all other psych/health people out there to find the questionairre here and post it or link it about the direct link b/w health and stress? Somewhere there is a test you take that shows the incidence of stress in your life and the possibility of a negative impact on your health. Basically, you just check yes or no I remember...And if you have a certain number of life stressors, you're apt to have a significant effect negatively on your health. From what I remember, I have pretty much all the top 10...at least many of the biggies. In the last 3 years, I have moved 2x. Have divorced. Have endured the crap that came along with divorce: affairs, financial hardship, court dealings, custody issues. Also dealt with 2 major deaths in my family (dad and grandmother), job changes also. That pretty much covers the top 10. And is it any wonder my bp is up? Am going back to the darn gym in a little while. Doing ONE hour.

Horsey, you gotta take good care of you. It's not being selfish, it is so that you are sound and healthy for your baby. You are the stable parent and our kids need us, the stable parents, to be there for them. That means staying healthy. Get to walking! I will exercise along with ya.

Maybe this could be our healthlink to each other. If we lose weight, or do something positive for us with regards to our health, we could post it here for encouragement to our other friends!

Cyannlisa,
Am sorry for your life events too. Know it is hard. And establishing the link between health and stress is hard to see at first. Heck, even I was blind to it in my own life. That's why health people don't usually try to examine theirselves...ha ha. We have a "blind spot" or else we "see too much" and have textbook fever.
As for me, it was my ego saying "nah...not me...I KNOW what to do. Can't happen here." But I was hugely WRONG.

Ok...can anybody find and paste here the link for the test on stress? One where you answer questions to determine possibility of a major health event? C'mon. Help me. I will search right now!

Lose weight? Stress does it doesn't it? I got on the scale, lost 10 pounds in two months just from the stress of all of this. A good thing, I had a baby 10 months ago, I have 10 pounds to go. Didn't even have to work out although we've done some walking the kid and I.

Yes there is a test about the high stressors in life. I'm dealing with the top two, death in a family and a separation and maybe divorce. Combined they are a double whammy. Everyone goes through stress it's how you cope. I try to stay positive, at least I work a lot as I run a business and I have to stay busy, that helps me. Sitting around I tend to mope and get depressed, if I catch myself going down I try to "stop" it then and there, walking,exercising, calling friends, seeing a shrink, this site. Seems like talking helps, just the empathy from others, which is why I like this site so much.

Oh we'll make it through. Life can't be this bad. things happen in threes say the old folks so I've got to be done here soon and on my way up. Wish my dad's cancer wasn't so bad, I'm about to fly home again, it's closing his throat, basically he's choking to death and the dr's can't do a thing about it. He'll go on life support, die in bed without knowing much from the pain meds. Just sucks but I'll be strong for him, for my mom. I can't be weak right now.

Are you talking with a hospice nurse? The hospices are wonderful family resources during times like this...and I know from experience.

Horsey great thing about the 10 lbs! You can do these last 10.

Also, can somebody please find the test about stress and health? I am searching but can't find it still..

It doesn't do us any good if we think we have anything in the top 10, we need to know what is exactly in there...and also good tips on stress reduction will be great...

Stress reduction, stay with husband that is mean and rude, a 10.

Leave husband that is mean and rude, still a 10.

Time heals all wounds...

Try to fix marriage and leave past behind, stress down to a normal marriage, maybe a 4, if problems remain, stress remains a 10+.

Stay away from marriage, divorce, deal with custody issues, attorneys and such, stress goes from a 10 to an 8 for life as always have to deal with ex.

Stress from other factors a death in family and such makes stress of marriage worse.

I'll find those figures, they are published in many places. They score your levels of stress, add it up you and I are both in highly stressful situations - separation, children, death in family, move, new friends, loss of support group, etc. Very, very high. Maybe we don't want to know.

Health issues, easier said then done. Eat right when under stress, but who has the energy to cook? Easier to go get a hamburger, order a pizza and eat that all week.

Best book Mood Cure on herbs and suppliments for stress, I was taking them and it improved moods, now I'm going to take the easy route and pop so zolof.

Life has it's ups and downs, it's not easy, some just get beat up on a little more then others. It's my turn right now.

But things will get better with time.

Peachy - this web site is under construction, but there is a valid test on it and my friend has been providing assessment results - when he checks his e-mail (he's a bit overwhelmed right now).
STRESS TEST

The test is part of a lifestyle stress intervention program that I'm helping to develop. But I'm a bit stressed right now too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So I'm not getting my writing done as quickly as I need to in order to get this off the ground.

Let me know if you've taken the test and I'll nudge my buddy to get you back assessment results!

I know stress has affected my life since I was 36. That is when my ex had his "first" (or I think it was his first) affair while I was pregnant with my 3rd child. He treated me horribly for 2 years at that time. At about a year after finding out about this affair, I had a really abnormal pap smear--never had one before or since then --but I ended up having surgery for precautions sake, then I had severe problems with my joints for about a 1 1/2 years---they thought I had Lupus.

Since the latest DDay, I've got the continual stress at work(that has always been there); financial stress (ex not paying child support, tuition, medical bills, and the usual drop in finances after a divorce); emotional stress with trying to move through the emotions of divorce, dealing with the FOG of an ex and his mistress(wife), raising four kids by myself, taking care of the house.....and on and on and on.

In the last month, I have developed high blood pressure, and arthritis has hit four vertabre in my neck. I have been in therapy with little results for over a month.

Right before I found out about his latest affair--- arthritis hit my toe joints. I had to have surgery a couple of years ago for that.

I don't know how to lesson the stress. I am trying to keep up with work, the kids, my own professional obligations....it is hard--and something has to give.

Tonight, I am taking the night off--not going to daughter's two basketball games. I am staying home, trying to get caught up with grading papers. Last night, I went walking of awhile...and every now and then I sneak in a bubble bath.

Divorce has been very stressful for me--just handling everything by myself is hard. I hope I make it through raising my two youngest kids without getting really sick.

On a bright note, my daughter called me from school today....and she got a $15,000 scholarship for ROTC.....for the next 3 years!!! How wonderful. God does work in mysterious ways...I really didn't know how I could keep both of them in school much longer. Yeah!!! That took a lot of stress off my shoulders...now if I could just get my blood pressure to go down.

I think I am still recovering from my mother's sickness and death last year also....sometimes I just miss her so much. I still have 4 boxes from her household to unpack in my bedroom...I will probably get to it next summer. Have to run...my son said the dryer is going crazy..and he needs help with homework.

Take care everyone.....Pat

Peachy, I think what you're asking about is the Holmes Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale that assigns a value to different life events and if you total over 300 points, you have an 80% chance of seriousl illness in the next two years. Here's a link to a site where you can take the test: http://www.markhenri.com/health/stress.html.

Thanks Letstry...I think that is the test I am talking about. Kayla,I will take a gander at that one too.

Am doing good on the darn diet. Three lbs down. Less salt. Less processed foods...did you guys notice as of late how many processed foods out there lately? Tons of it. And they're all popping with sodium.

Also don't try to go cold turkey on the caffeine. At my work orientation yesterday had long talk with a few nurses who work cardio and they said that I could actually raise my bp by going cold turkey on no caffeine if my body is used to it. Just lower it. Sign for caffeine shock is BIG HEADACHE and that's important.

Went to gym last night for 20 min. treadmill at almost 4 mph. Then 25 min. on elliptical. Am getting ready to do some situps now and then off to our greenbelt area here that's beautiful and relaxing for a one hour power walk. Am taking bull by da horns. Had a relapse though...ate five tiny chocolate today..but they're really small. I am really trying. Oh...my ring came in and I had to get it sized a little. It is beautiful! It looks vintage and I took it to my jeweler to size it and he said "where'd you get that piece? I would date it and say it's 1908 but no more than 1910. Very turn of the century, gibson girl-ish. Nope. You wouldn't see that ring even though it's a gemstone, on the hand of many women back then. who does it belong to? Did you gramma give it to you?" I told him it was a reproduction and he did not believe it. So my valentine's day gift to me went well...I think every once in a while we should do little things for ourselves, especially if we are the ones making biggie sacrifices. I know, as for me, when I am hard at work, wearing non glamorous scrubs and labcoat, just glancing down at my hand will make me feel better...quoting destiny's child..."the watch I'm wearing, the car I'm driving, the rock on my hand, I BOUGHT IT...Because I depend on ME if I want it." (Independent Woman)

Xbf is getting either goofy or freaking out again b/c he hasn't called in a day. Methinks it is the valentine's day fallout..heard from 3 people on vmail today wanting dates that were otherwise silent on valentine's day. Think that just quite possibly, just quite maybe, some guys who are scared or shy, just ease away from that whole holiday...like I did. But xbf stays in the er until all people are stabilized and seen...sometimes he's been up all night there so I am not going to go too terribly hard on him...YET.

Pat,
I am sorry for your joint issue. Stress can play a huge role in our lives...and make us sick. That can make us very very sick. Will you join me and us here and make a newyear committment to YOURSELF? Actually in doing so, we're really cementing our love for our kids and friends and families to get healthy...we gotta be the ones who stick around for a helluva long time b/c we're the stable ones.

Here's my plan:
exercise daily (minimum 30 min...to one hour)Cardio exercise that raises heart rate to at least 85% of max heart rate.

lose some poundage...diet..

eat right..limit intake of processed, salty foods, lower salt intake, eat fresh foods, fruits and veggies. Lower dairy product intake, but still take calcium supplements.

add flaxseed oil to your diet to help keep cholesterol in check.

limit caffeine or eliminate it. I had to just lower the amount. then I will wean off sensibly. But I think my body will run better if I just lessen it alot.

I found the test via that link, it's wasn't quite right but I typed a shorter version. I scored 370, geeze that puts me in the 80% chance of getting a serious ilness in the next two years it says. Wow, what a wake up call. What can I do to lower the stress - separation, fight with spouse, new baby, move, work changes, dad dying of cancer, winter season, change in eating, change in hobbies, etc... Seems like it did all hit at once. It's pathetic but I'm going to take some anti-depressants for a time, I know that's not the way to go long term but I really am going borderline nutty...

Ok...here goes my update...took the test..yea, am waaaaay up there in probability of having a serious illness due to all the life changes/stressors...so I am still plugging away at the de-stress thing!

1)lost 4 lbs. so far! Since started the diet for low bp.
2)bp is down a little bit...not alot...but some. Think the stress/diet/weight thing is culprit for sure! Although I wear a size 6, am still going to lose some...not at my biggest since divorce/separation, but still for me larger than I used to be so getting downn!

Who has taken the test yet? C'mon. Horsey, I know you took it. Results yet for anybody else?

Hi Peachy,
Glad you started this thread. Right now I feel SO STRESSED, hormonal, about to have a breakdown. I was divorced 2 years ago, and I have 3 teenagers. Tried to break into the dating scene recently, and found the games too hard to play at my age. I just really want to have a little fun. Go to work, teach kids, come home, and deal with 3 hormonal adolescents. House is a wreck, laundry piling up, dishes in the sink, no energy. Tough. Don't mean to have a big pity party, but some of you can understand....
now, what do I do for myself? nothing...sometimes I walk....should i go to a gym? I have no energy right now to cook supper each night and then go to a gym.....
I want to have a life, I want to be happy. I am hurting my kids right now with my attitude about life.....
Thank you, Peachy for sounding upbeat, I will try to post later....
KK

KK--

I hear you...and yes, there are a few dirty dishes in my sink and my master bedroom carpets are in need of a good carpet shampoo...nothing is as picture perfect as it used to be...but hey...back then I had a housekeeper and could afford it...

What is better now:
being able to have dirty dishes if I want it, not carrying my xh's burdens any more, feeling free, being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it, take bubble baths after I put my son to bed, read books, and although there's about 50 percent less net worth to my name now, I feel about a hundred percent better about it.

I'd say join a gym. Can be your sanctuary. I bring books about work (healthcare) sometimes. Other times, I bring a novel just for fun. Read and exercise on cardio equipment for 45-1hr. It's working so far. Needle on scale is inching closer to the five pound mark! Plus my bp is down a little bit. Steady and sure. You gotta plug away.

Yep. It's tough trying to do everything yourself. And admitting you ARE NOT able to be the supermom/superliberated working girl isn't anything to be ashamed of. But when you make even a little progress, you feel so empowered! I know...it's happened to me. And next week when I begin my new job, I know I will be running at best on six hours of sleep a night...so that's one main concern of mine...being able to function to just be able to do all the tasks I have to do.

In about 2 years, I am going to downsize again...get a little bit smaller place, but in a subdivision with diversions for my son...alot of the subdivisions around here, even ones with townhomes, have playgrounds, pools, water slides, etc. If I could make a suggestion, it is to downsize so your mess is smaller. Payments smaller, but find a place with more to do with the kids. That will be my next huge task...hopefully nothing else will hit between now and then as I have had my share of crud the last 3 years.

You're right, Peachy,
I might not have the picture perfect house and yard now, but I definitely have more peace within myself. I'm so much better today, and feel thankful for my blessings.
My outlook is getting better. The worst thing I deal with right now is trying to overcome negative self talk..........I need positive affirmation of myself, and who I am now, and who I am growing to be.
Number 1 child is going off to college soon, my 2 girls and I will downsize and move into an apt....I agree with simplifying your life.
I have finally climbed a huge step, and everyone who's divorced can relate.....I no longer want the ex back!!! Yes, I've said that since day 1, but inside really wanted him back...I'm way past that now, and am readying myself to date again...scary!
Match.com scared me to death, so I'm getting off of that. There are a few good Christian online dating sites, but now much has happened for me there.
I'm going to totally stop the online thing, and just start going to Christian singles things....
I hope things continue to get better for you, Peachy.....
Keep posting, it helps me!
KK

Peachy,

Hope you don't mind if a man joins your thread here. I took the test and scored 200. That is almost certain to jump another 100 points as the divorce process progresses. My new year's resolution for 2005 was self-care. Two specific things I have done is go back into IC and see a doctor. I found out I have hypertension. I've been a medication and since the begining of the year and it's still too high. I've upped my time in the gym to 5x a week and doing more cardio (I've been weight lifting for years). While in some ways I've been in good enough shape to complete century bike rides, I do have weight to lose. Trouble is that I tend to use food as a comfort device (particularly when there is no SF in my life). Anyway, I appreciate your starting your post because I've been wondering how much my life situation is causing my high blood pressure. My kudos to you for tackling your own health sitch so forcefully!

Wow!
The test said that a score of over three hundred gives an 80% chance of serious illness over the next 2 years.

I scored 405 !

Ok, I'm in trouble here.

With working full time plus having to do lesson plans on top of that time and caring for an infant son by myself who still wakes 3-4 times a night, how the heck do I find time and energy to go to the gym and eat right?

With the stress I lost all of the pregnancy weight and then some in only 2 months post partum. I'm down to between 115-120. So, it's really easy to run through the drivethrough after work for "dinner".

How can I do this? I don't want to end up with a major illness. I know I have to stay healthy for my son if nothing else. And my pig of a cheating husband has already caused enough detriment in my life. I don't want to let him inadvertantly cause anymore.

But how to do it?

KK, I'm glad to see you with a positive outlook.

Can you tell me how you did it?

I wish I could like you say with total confidence that I totally do not in any way want my WH back. How long did it take you to get there?

I hate the hurting. I still love him for some odd reason and want it to stop because he's now been living with OW for almost 6 months. (He left right before our 12 yr anniversary when our first child [son] was 3 weeks old.)

I don't want to love or be attracted to him anymore. (Unfortunately he's REALLY good looking and he knows it.)
How do you deal with the fact that he remarried the OW?
I can barely handle the fact that he drives her expensive SUV or when I hear her in the background when I'm talking to him on the phone. I fear I might have some kind of emotional breakdown if he marries her once our divorce is final in a month.

Somebody please tell me how to get through this!

I know about the stress/health connection. I want the stress to decline but don't feel like I have control to.

Divorce, severe financial stress, working over 40 hrs., caring for an infant son by myself, getting no sleep, etc. I don't have control over these things - and you can't change that which you have no control over.

XScoundrel...I understand. We have to get in control of what we CAN control...us. That's the key for me. I am still struggling and will do all I can for about 3 more mos. before I begin on meds. Hypertension is aggravated by unresolved stress too!

Tess,
KK and I just keep on going and it seems our lives are paralleled.

What is key and what WE ALL have to get thru our thick heads is that we can only change SOME things in our lives. You can't save everybody, even a WS or change them. You can only take charge of your own life...and know when to lay the burden down. That's when you pray. That's when you learn how to let it go.

Our children need us around. The darn test shows we're walking dynamite right now...any time, could go off...So what do we do with the knowledge? Do we ignore it? No.

You may ask how do I deal with an xh married to ow who has cars over 150k? Three luxury vehicles? Pricey lake house? How do I let it go? Easy. It's not me anymore. He is a stranger.

You "think" you love your xh b/c it used to be easy. You're confusing past with reality. It's ok. It's easier to stay wtih somebody and go back to what is COMFORTABLE rather than forge ahead into the UNKNOWN. That is human nature.

I am antsy about new job tomorrow and can't sleep. Have horrid back ache from getting some mild food poisoning...sushi.

You gotta respect your temple.

Try something, even a little step each day to combat the high numbers on our test. We gotta learn how to manage our health EFFECTIVELY. Our x's don't care...do we want to kick the bucket and let them have our kids full time? That's the alternative. So say NO to that and let's start living life now. We gotta learn what to dump off in our lives thatis toxic. Worrying about people we cannot change is toxic. Thinking about how good our past might have been (or perceived to have been) is toxic and will keep us forever locked in the chains of yesterday...and will do nothing but add to our stress and keep us from finding real happiness...

I say let's make an affirmative statement...or something like that. Kinda like a mission statement.

Ok. Here goes:

We, the S.O.D.P. (stressed out divorced people), promise with optimism, to abandon the burdens we do not need to carry any longer. That we are able to better recognize stress in our lives and make them minimized to the best of our efforts. As Parents, friends, daughters, sons, and loved ones, we owe to those who truly care for us to live a healthy life. In pursuing that life, we must learn how to cake care of our bodies, exercise, and keep junk where it belongs...at the dump, not in our temples.

Health, love, and happiness to our friends!

Ok...maybe you can help me write this or reword it. Anyway, we need a daily affirmation, or mantra, to begin each day positively and keep this as a purpose.

I think the test thing has been a wake up call to alot of us.

There is an invisible predator in our lives besides an OP or a WS...it is stress. We gotta beat it. That will take brains, committment, and the will to take on that stress, see it for what it is, see how it is hurting us seriously, and replace that stress with good habits and life changes.

We can do this!