My WW had an 8 month long A. PA ended in September, EA ended mid Dec. WW filed for D last week. WW also had two other PA (ONS) in the past two years.

We have a DS (2 yrs old) that I have been primarily responsible for caring for since he was about 6 months old. I would characterize the sharing of our responsibilities as I do the heavy lifting (day to day care, shuttling to and from daycare, dressing, feeding , baths, playtime) and WW took the cream (quiet time with DS before bed, hugging, cuddling, etc.)

I do not doubt for one second the love STBXW has for our son. It is just I have been the primary caregiver, I have done the hard work. This was especially true during her most recent A where a majority of the responsibility for raising him fell onto me. I am his father, I have no complaint with that because that is what fathers do, raise their sons.

The reason I am posting is that I am very torn now. My attorney and everyone I know are encouraging a very adversarial D & custody issue. Counterfiling the reason for D as adultery (I live in an at-fault state), and calling in witnesses to the adultery, and day care providers and others to show the care I gave son.

My concern: That this will tear everyone apart, be very hard on DS, and leave us in an environment of hate after the dust is settled. I need to cooperate with this woman for the next 18 years. I am not happy with what has been proposed EOWeekend and One night a week. Not enough, but I don't thtink either one of us will ever be happy.

I would like your opinions and experiences.

There are many options and you would do best to read up on them. A great book is "Mom's House/Dad's House", or How to help your children cope with divorce the Sandcastles Way". Both give great ideas on custody arrangements.
The old standard you noted is no longer standard.
Many states are moving toward 50/50 custody, although this is best if both parent are willing to live very close to each other (and are good at cooperating).
A custody fight doesn't need to be a long drag out. I had to go the route of a custody evaluation since my X fought for more time (a very uninvolved father). In this, we both had to take psychological tests and he interviewed the caregivers to determine who was the primary.
In our case, I got more time this way since I was the more flexible parenting with respect to cooperating and caring for the kids.
There are many options, consider all that you can and don't become stuck.
Also include the possibility for review of custody at certain intervals, and the Right of First refusal. My X blew by his first review, without asking for additional time.

Bear,

If I were in your shoes - if I had been the primary caregiver, I would go for custody. Don't let your W roll over you. I know that my wife can persuade me to do almost anything for her. It is hard for me to step back and be objective - to say "I'm a person too." Fight for your child, if you really believe you are the best parent. For your child, and for you. But don't do it just to punish your W.

If you both work, and the child is in daycare anyway, I don't see any reason why the woman should automatically win.

Find MortarMan - probably over on GQII. He won custody and his W then decided that she didn't want a D.

-AD

newly-I understand what you are saying and would be pleased if we could reach a 50/50 time. Problem is STBXW is moving out of town (closer to her job so she won't have to commute). 50/50 then is no option once DS hits school age. Also, I don't want him to feel like he is being passed around. That is not good. If I truly could see the future and could see that he would turn out better, be happier in a sitch like I described (EOWeekend) vs 50/50, I would do what is best for DS. I firmly believe that I should have primary care of DS. I have shown it in the past by my actions that I am able to do it, and I am ready to do it.

AD- I see your point. I would not do this to punish her. We both do work. What we think about man v woman when it comes to raising a child means nothing, it is a judger that counts.

I really want people's experiences. Do they regret not challenging for primary custody, do they regret putting up too big a fight, what were the effects?

She's going to HATE you anyway no matter what you do - you need to do what is important for your son. I agree, do NOT let her run all over you - you'll just wind up looking worse - and it was HER affair and SHE wanted the divorce, so fine. She plays, she pays. Don't make your son pay for her errors.
JMHO,
SDLOM
PS - Yes, I went thru a nasty D my own self and I humbly let her have everything she wanted. Butt, it was not enough - she wanted more and more and more and more and... you get the idea, right?
Do the right thing for your son!

Sauron-That just sounds a little too vengeful for me. Everybody has paid enough. Our family is breaking up. I have lost my W, and my W has lost her H. DS won't have two loving parents under the same roof. He will never again experience the joy of waking up mommy & daddy by jumping on there bed on a Saturday morning.

Why would I fight? Because I love DS and believe I can rear him the best. I am just worried about what this is going to do to him and all of us.

Bear,

In my situation, W is a SAHM. The only evidence of my parental involvement is that I signed for all of DD's injections. Unless I can prove that she is a bad mom, I lose. While I believe I am the better parent (certainly more stable), I think it would be a very hard case to get primary custody.

Also, in our County of our state, I would get 10 overnights per month minimum without any fuss or bother. I think it comes out to about 70/30 with all vacations and holidays counted. To give me less than that, W would have to prove I'm a bad father - and she's not going to do that. So, I'm leaning toward taking the "standard visitation".

But, in your case, you have been the primary parent. You have a boy (and same-sex parent bonding is very important). Only you know what you can really do and what you can live with. But, if I were in your postion, I would certainly strive for primary custody. The best thing is to persuade your W. If she says "I want to avoid an ugly fight", then you reply "Ok, then lets just agree that I have primary custody". You need MortarMan here! He is a battle-proven winner.

-AD

Yes. Mortarman. His reputation preceeds him. I have discussed with him before. He basically told me it was a long ride and a lot can happen. Never say it is over. It took his WW losing custody to knock her out of the fog. Maybe that is what mine needs.

How far away is she moving? I have quite a commute, too, but my stbx and I have a 50/50 split and I feel I need to stay here so that the kids can be with their father.

Stbx lives the next town over and I've found that the children do fine with even overnights during the week (one is in school, one pre-school/daycare). Schedules and rules are similar so works out.

Push at least for the 50/50 -- don't worry about school, you'll pass that bridge when you come to it.

That would not be very feasible. STBXW plans on moving 65 miles away. 1/2 time just wouldn't be practical. Thinking of all the different scenarios. None of them are good. They are all nightmares. Either for lack of time I see him, lack of time he gets with his mother, or for just logistics and travel.

My WW had an 8 month long A. PA ended in September, EA ended mid Dec. WW filed for D last week.
Why do you think the EA OR the PA actually ended?

Because phone records show me the last calls were made in mid-Dec and also 3rd party verification that OM told her to take a hike. I do admit that once I am out of the picture STBXW could pursue him again.

I never said she was "over" OM, but he has moved on.