Hello everyone
I am a new member of this board. I have read a few of the posts here before joining and liked the helpful advice given.
My story begins after 11 years of marriage, I started dabbling on the internet for friends. My hubby and I have been having many problems with finances, kids, responsibilities..ect I was looking for friends to go out with and take a break from reality. I ended up meeting another man. At first it was just talking on the internet and after a while I ended up meeting with him. It still stayed social, however he did flirt with me and made me feel like I was still sexy and quite a catch. I continued meeting him socially telling my husband I met a girlfriend and I am having "girls night out" during this time he also started dabbling on the internet and started talking to a girl from another state. he asked if it was ok to chat with her while I went out on my outings..I told him it was OK (Big mistake) well my affair got out of hand and I finally made the biggest mistake and slept with the other man. I felt horrible..my emotions went out of control..I enjoyed it but at the time but I didn't..how could i have done such a thing to my husband? I didn't want to see the other guy again and ended it right then. After, I decided to tell my hubby..to put everything on the plate. At first he took it alright (Perhaps shock and not sinking through yet) I asked him to stop talking to his internet friend (by this time it had moved to phoning) he said he would. One night I got on the internet snooping around and I discoverd he was still talking to her. I was hurt and angry and confronted him..this time all his emotions came out..he talked about what i done to him and he can never forgive me for that and why didn't I come to him before? He told me it was over..gave me his ring and left to his parents house for the weekend. When he came back he told me, that he will live in the house, but don't expect him to forgive me..tell me he loved me or anything..I agreed and asked for him to not bring up the affair and promise to stop talking to his female friend he said he would, even though he didn't want to because she made him feel good about himself.she listened to him talk, when I didn't. The next day he came to me in the shower and told me he missed me and hugged me..we ended up together..he moved back into the bedroom I thought it was a new beginning. A few weeks later I catch him still talking to the female friend. I explode with anger and he brings up again what i done to him..I tell him we cant have a new beginning him still talking to her..I hand him the phone and tell him to tell her to stop calling. He pretends to call her and leave a message (I can hear the operator from the other side of the room) I tell him so. He says he doesn't want to deal with it tonight (we had guest over anyways) The next morning our guest leave and I go to talk to him and ask him whats going on. he seems to be in deep thought through everything and he asks me if I care about him..do I love him and care if he gets hurt I tell him of course I do..so he asks for the phone and calls..this time I know he's talking to a person. The next few weeks we are still sharing our bed..taking care of the kids...he's telling me he loves me. Its not like it was, I keep pushing for more. My friend (the one he hates because of her lifestyle) asks me to go out with her and I ask if it ok for girls night out. He says fine, go out but you have to call me often I have to rebuild my trust in you. Well i go out then and the next weekend (i am really seeing my mistakes here) and all the while I am still suspicious of him talking to his friend. Finally a few weeks later, I accused him again of talking to her he tells me thats it, he can't handle it and that he is ending it. I get defensive and ask why he says he's tired of the endless questions and he still can't get what I did out of his mind. This time I picked up the kids and took them to my friends house..I'm scared and I feel hopeless. Through the week I go back to our house to try and talk to him..he doesn't change his mind. I go back to my friends house. She's negative about everthing she tells me I need to move on and forget him..find a new man. She also nudges me to file my tax return without him claim the kids and tell them I have been separated since 4 months before because I need to get a new car and money for me and the kids. I was so confused I went ahead and did it. He calls me and tells me he wants to talk with me..hear what i have to say. So I go to the house and plead my case. I'm sorry for what i did..I know it won't happen again...pleae lets communicate in this marriage..he seems to really think it over, but tells me he just doesn't think he can fogive me. I hurt him too deep and messed with his head..if I lied about that..whats else have I lied about? I tell him instead of divorce, lets just separate..take time out. He seemed to consider it. I go ahead and tell him about the tak retun..he gets upset again. I tell him I was scared, it was something I didn't think through first. He tells me for someone that wants to try to work things out I don't show it by trying to find an apartment and illegally report my tax return to get money. he tells me I need to leave, he is too angry he can't see straight. i leave and don't hear from him until he calls from his parents house and says hes moved out. I go to the house, he has only taken his clothes and a fe DVD's. i can't afford to keep renting the house and I ask him why didn't he take anything else. he told me he has taken everything he'll ever need. He thinks I'm going to stay at the house and he'll pay half the rent for his kids. He doesn't understand i still can not afford that and doesn't want to listen to reason. This has been 4 weeks now. The first week he did not seem to want to talk with me and of course I've tried pleading only made him more mad. the last two weeks he's called and spoken nicer to me..he even asked how I was doing before he talked to the kids. The first weekend picking them up he seemed really happy. He talked with the kids and even walked over to me, helped me up from the couch asked me how I was and that I looked nice put his fingers thru my hair and just talked to me in general. Before they leave I tell him marriages can be saved..he says "not this one" I asked him to please think about it he says to me "What do you think I'm doing down there?" I of course keep pushing till he finally gets frustrated and leaves. He brings the kids back and again is friendly with me..I again plead and ask him to hug me because I am scared of losing him he tells me I should have thought about that before "I did what i did" but he hugs me..even kisses me(not the same as before, but still a kiss)
I also find out he is still talking to his friend..he tells me shes just his friend and someone to talk to through all of this. I get afraid that she is a contributing fact why he left. I still want my marriage..my friends tell me he needs time because he is confused and he has this girl as a subsitute thats why he's not breaking down like me. That relationship will never work out because she is still only a voice no one he has ever met and she is in another state. They tell me to stop pleading and leave him alone..improve myself and make myself stronger. For this relationship to work..things need to change anyway thats why it failed before. Take this as a marriage "time out" he hasn't served any papers yet so don't give up hope until the ink is dry, but don't stop my own life in the process.
So is there any advice or thoughts out there?

Sorry this entry is so long. Thanks for reading

It's not lost, but it's dangling by a thread I believe.

Dr. H has a lot of articles in the Q&A section on how to work through lots of the issues that you're describing. You need to read the Q&A section thoroughly (up at the top). IN order to understand the Q&A, you will need a firm grasp of what's called BC (Basic Concepts), which is under the Concepts link up at the top.

I think that after you review that material, you will be able to ask questions that people will be able to help you with.

So, can the marriage be saved? Yes, with diligent effort on both parts. Will it be easy? Not at all. But the first step is to understand the things that are wrong, so you can start doing the things that are right.

But you and he are both engaging in activities that will make healing very difficult. And until they stop, I suspect very little progress will be made.

Thank you Jaye for your comments. I have read some of the other posts on this board and have read some of the material in the basic concepts section on this site and they have helped some. I know in order to fight for my marriage its going to be a bumpy road ahead...