this is my 3rd year married , have had a stormy relationship right from the start,I have let down my wife 3 times, i have been sexually unfaithfull twice and currently having a non sexual affair with another woman.

I feel i should tell my wife, please advise? she is faithfull to me am sure of that.

We are having major issues with rudeness... but me cheating on her?? no excuse for that.

Should I tell her??

Welcome to MB.

You'll be hard pressed to find someone on this board that will tell you to keep it a secret. I would suggest that you start reading all of the information that you can on this site. All of the concepts, love busters, emotional needs... All of the information will help you to build a better relationship with your W. You will need to tell her, though. She will eventually find out (they usually do) and it will hurt her a lot less to hear it from you instead of discovering it on her own.

I suggest picking up a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. They're in the bookstore here.

C

First, I would like to suggest that you post your topic in the "Emotional Needs" area of this forum. I agree with C_A you should tell her and you probably won't get any replies here saying differently.

Several years ago when my ex-fiance cheated on me. He flat out told me what he had done, before I found out. Then he also told me that he truely loved me but he wasn't ready to get married and rather than continue to hurt me he'd rather break up with me, and hopefully I would find someone else, etc... etc... It was very painful for me. 5 years later we were the best of friends.

I've been M'd for 6 months and 1 month into my M, I found out, by looking at my H phone bill that he had a very long conversation with someone whose number I didn't recognize. When confronted about the issue he lied, eventually after several months, or arguing, interrogated, investigating; most of the truth came out that she was someone that he had been sleeping with the ENTIRE time we had been dating and he continued the relationship into our M (even though he denies having a PA w/ her after our M).

Having been on both sides of the fence. My X-Fiance was the MUCH better man and the type of man that I would want to be married to -- not that I want to be married to a cheater, but u get the pt -- Case #1 I always felt like even though I was hurt I could trust my X to be honest with me even if the truth was painful. And this is a much better feeling then Case #2 being Married to a man that you KNOW isn't going to be honest w/ u even about his weakness. Case #1 seems like a more workable situation.

Secondly, I'm curious to know, in your opinion, why did you and are you having an affair?

Hi,
Thank you all for all your responses, I will tell her very soon, I just have to figure out how to do it. But I definitely will, she deserves to know the truth.
When we were dating my wife went away to study and I never saw her for 2 yrs and 7 months, we grew apart, and when she came back. she was completely different from the person I met.

We went out for a year, had many arguments, heated arguments, she always was very rude to me and I sought some advise on this, I was so stressed, at 28 I was put on a steroid for my Asthma and they wanted to give me pills for my blood pressure.

Against my better judgement we got married a year later, I was sure this is NOT what I wanted but I still went ahead with this...she had given up a job , to come back and be with me, thats what I thought.

We had turbulent times, she simply cant hold her mouth when she is annoyed, she says anything,,, I take a walk...try to cool down, it got worse and I felt the ,marriage was worthless! I gave up on us.

she did not like sex much, I asked her many times what i shld do to change, she says nothing..it became hard to sleep in the same bed, wanting her , yet not getting.

Other ladies, were very blatantly asking me to be with them, and i did that once, in our first year, then again in our second with a former girlfriend, then now am in love with this wonderful lady , and I'm not intending to have sex with her and have not.

But , I cant tell my wife I love her anymore, the verbal stuff is just too much.

I WILL tell her but how?

thanks for your time,

Hmmm, seems like some gremlins in the marriage gears from the get-go. (Ah, I love alliteration in the morning).

People can change, there are lots of examples on this board of people that have done it.

Plan A/B type stuff might be a viable option to stop the abuse. There are several books on dealing with verbal abuse that can help, Patricia Evans has a good one that I can recommend highly.

If the abuse were to stop, then are you willing to work on the relationship?

Because if so, then Dr. H has much about recovering from affairs in the Q&A section. (up at the top). It's not easy, but it's possible.

So some of it comes down to you. Are you willing to do the work to try and change? Or are you looking for a reason to bolt?

I'd like to see you fulfill your vows and stick to it. It can be very rewarding.

Face it BALOZI, there IS no easy or right way to tell her. The longer it takes " just have to figure out how to do it." the more likely you are not to tell her.

If you really want to work on your marriage then you need to stop, IMMEDIATELY the EA you currently are involved in. Then go to your wife to work on the problems that are at hand. Give it your all and if it doesn't work then, in my little opinion, it will be better to get a D then continue one A after another.

I agree, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell your W.

Not sure what life is like around your house, but I would suggest that you sit her down when you can be together for a few hours. I would suggest not doing it on a night where either of you need to work the next morning.

Definitely come clean, though. About all of it. Don't give her a lot of details, but ask if she wants the details (some do, some don't... no point in filling her head with pictures of it unless she wants to hear it all).

Make sure she knows that you don't want to leave the M. Tell her about this site and the wonderful information. Tell her that you'll have no contact with the OW (write the letter with her if she wants). Make your life an open book. Tell her the methods that you used to contact the OW and make sure that she can check up on you to make sure that you've stopped.

I know that telling her is going to be hard, but it will be a lot easier to get her trust back if you come clean instead of letting her find out on her own.

C

I appreciate everything, I have gone through this feedback countless times, its time for me to act , and I will tell my wife , I think I lack the emotional energy top keep fighting on arguing.

I know for a fact that she loves me, the verbal stuff in the past, has made our marriage to shake and i franky gave up after on of her outbursts, that was 2 yrs ago..I was sure it could never work

Affairs are tempting and sweet, but they are wrong and unfair, yes maybe I wanted to end the marriage.

She is a good lady and she deserves a better man, I dont even know how she can re-build her trust in me, after cheating on her??
In my mind I never saw my self ever cheating on my wife, but I have, am so ashamed! disappointed in my self, it will take years to fix this.

Emotinally am a complete wreck! i did not know word could have such an effect, the things she told just tore me apart!!!

I want to give and receive love from someone,with mutual respect, an ability to communicate, to not live in fear in my own house, the fear to do sthing to trigger an outburst, to relax at home.

Marriages were built to last life times, but I also believe we should try and live full and happy lives.This is what I want for me and for my wife,happiness at any cost because we only live once.

This thing is serious, I cant think of a worse crime in marriage than cheating.

For now I will take your advise and talk to my wife!

Pray pple. Thank you very much, I will let you know how it goes.

BALOZI:

I was wondering how are things going with you. I noticed you actually started posting on MB 10 mos into your M. You should come back more often I think that it will help you in your situation.