I found this website last week after my W left me. I have had the opportunity to read through the website, taking notes. Today I met with my W and she told me that she wants to file for divorce. We have only been married for 6 months. We had some problems prior to the marriage and should have called it off or post-poned it but we didnt. I had alot of anger issues and past baggage that i brought into the marriage. our marriage troubles started with my verbal abuse with it turning physical once (i closed a door into my wife) That was a month and half into the marriage. i went to counseling and she also did some seesions with me. In the past month things went from better to worse in our relationship. No more do i have the anger problems that i did before, however, i still have problems in arguements. i would tend to try to become the victim, or pass blame onto my wife and not take the responisbilty for myself. well that all spearheaded last wed when she left. Today she told me that divorce was going to be the only end result. she said that she wasn't emotionally ready to physically file the divorce papers. Which makes me glad. At least i know I have time to stop it from happening. I feel at a loss of what to do right now. I have all of the info from MB site however, i don't know how to use it all with out her. She is moving all of her clothes out today. Thankfully we have no children, just a house and 2 dogs.

ME

Well, I'd suggest you stay in counseling on your own and do you're best not to argue with your wife for the time being. You can negotiate for a win/win situation, but no fighting. Read Steve Harley's article on fighing in the Articles section.

You need to make no LBs. And you need to let her control herself and you control yourself. Period.

I know this is really hard. Maybe some positive affirmations about being in control of your own life and your own decisions. Or prayer about the same thing. Don't ask God to give you control. He already did when he gave us free will. You could pray to him for the wisdom to use your free will to the best end.

Right now, part of Plan A is to allow your spouse the room she needs. If you try to keep her, she'll feel that you are controlling. If you try to guilt trip her into staying, she'll see you as manipulative.

Basically, right now you need to be in defensive mode. We don't want to give her a reason to file the papers. After a while you can work on meeting her needs. That's after you establish that you are an emotionally safe person for her to be around.

Good luck.

Thank you for the reply and the advice. Right now I feel like I'm in such a state of limbo. I want to call her and talk with her, work through these issues with successful negotiation. I understand that right now she is in the state of withdrawl and I have moved out of that state back into the state of conflict. I'm just not sure of what my next move should be. Should I call her or give her x number of days time?

I have been praying, not for control, but for the strength among other things. The Lord has been leading me through the Bible to what he wants from me.

When you seek counseling, make sure you get to the root of the reason why you feel you have to fly out of control. Your W is probably so confused and hurt, she probably doesn't know who or what she married. First year of marriage is difficult by itself while two people are trying to adjust. But adding emotional distresses only compounds the adjustment, negatively.

Be calm and stay calm at all times. In your speech, demeanor and emotion. If you feel aggrevated, step back and pause, and readdress appropriately. She loves you, I am sure, but you turned into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde on her.

Be consistent in who you are and keep seeking help.
Nomoregames