Hello,

I have posted on the pg./child board for the past year & now find myself here unfortunately.

After three plus years of trying to save my marriage - alone - I recently filed for a D. My H had a year & a half A that resulted in the birth of his daughter, we separated twice during 2002 & 2003 & I filed for D this past Jan. & I put him out on Feb. 2.

My H has had constant contact with OW & has made financial ties with her such as putting her on his car ins. & there are other insults too numerous to mention that have gone on since his return home in April 2003, this is my question - how many of u harbour true feelings of hatred, resentment, anger & want revenge & how do u get past these feelings?

I plan to seek counseling, this is my second D, we have no children together so I never have to see him again but the things that were done to me by the two of them him just wont leave my head. For the most part I am handling things well, but I have this desire to make them pay, I am totally alone at home, my son is away at college so I have a lot of time on my hands. I know the bible says "Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord..." & they will both reap what they have sewn but I keep having these not so nice thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just wondering how many others feel this way.

Thanks for reading.

Well, I sometimes day dream elaborate revenge strategies that I'd never do. Most have an ironic humorous twist. Meanwhile, when I don't have the children, I paint the house and I'm reading all kinds of biographies and histories. Oh, yes, Shakespeare too.

Shakespeare is probably good for vengence plans. After reading some of that stuff, you'll probably be turned off vengence.

I'm sorry you're here, but it sounds like the most sane place for you to be. Your H. is way out there.

Thanks 4 your response.

My H actually called me today, just to say hi, I hadn't talked to him since Sat. & that was a very ugly conversation. He said he "came in peace" & just wanted to know how I was doing. I started not to answer the phone, & in a way I am sorry I did, he can still get to me unfortunately. We had a 2 minute civil conversation & I came away from it choked up, we have been together almost 12 yrs. & married almost 9 - too bad I can't flip a switch & turn my feelings completely off.

It is definitely over, there is NO going back, I can see him wanting to be friends or something like that but I can't - not now anyway. Right now it just seems easier to dislike him & want to make him hurt like I do, but u r right he is way out there - totally lost actually & I feel sorry 4 him I really do - when I am not plotting revenge against him.

It takes to much energy to hate though & I plan to spend the rest of my life being happy & filled with joy now that this chapter of my life is coming to a close, so I will stay away from the Shakesphere - it may give me ideas I can live with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

No, what you need is not murder. What you need is itching powder to put in OW's sheets. Or inside condoms. Wow. What an excellent product! Itching powder laced condoms for your WS.

Then there are little things. Like you casually mention to your X when you see him next that he looks really good. Has he been taking Rogaine recently?

lol, thats a good one, H is not into condoms though - thats y he has an OC!!!

I really like that thought though!

Thanks!

You will go through the stages of grieving, anger is one. If you are a Christian and it sounds like you are then you know about Forgiveness. I grew up in a strong Christian family and I regret that during my first year of marriage when I found cell calls to another woman by my husband - that I couldn't get past the anger stage and onto forgiveness for ME. I ranted, raved and made a jerk of myself. There are some great books out there on Forgiveness, maybe you can do your own Bible study. You forgive for you, for a peace of mind, you decide if you want to ever trust that person who betrayed you or how much you'll let him into your life once there has been so much lying. You can protect yourself by distancing from him, so you can heal too. Eat right, exercise, try to think positively, rely on your support group...

I agree, there r many stages to go thru during this process, & even though this is round 2 for me it is so different this time.

Yes I am a christian & that is a BIG part of y I stayed in this M so long after DDay which was July 2002. I knew I had grounds for divorce but I also knew that I had to forgive him, (and one day her too), same as God does for me daily.

Now that he is gone & the D is soon to b final, there r so many things I think of that anger me, so I will b speaking to my pastor soon & praying a lot.

I did talk to him yesterday & I do feel a little better & not so filled with anger. I also wanted to talk to him again, actually thought of calling him this morning - but I won't. U r absolutely right I have to distance myself from him, there is too much hurt, & pain right now & it wouldn't take much for us to start arguing again so I won't go there.

I can't tell u how much peace I have with him being gone, no more wondering where he is or , who he is with, or when he is coming home & if he is lying to me. Such a burden has been lifted off me, I just need to work thru all my feelings & do it with much prayer cuz I don't want to hate him or even OW, I know I won't get blessed like that & being blessed, which I know I already am, & pleasing God is very important to me.

Hi NMD,

First I just wanted to say that you should be proud that you really tried your best to save your marriage.It's no small feat and not many put forth the effort like we BS's do.You should,on some level,feel good about that.As we all like to say on GQII,try your hardest so that you can look back without regret if the marriage fails.I did that too and I am also in the process of a D.

For me,I had a deep seeded loathing of the OW(homewrecker).Yes I was super angry at my WH too but I loved him and we had a long history together,children,home,etc.I didn't want to hurt him as much,he was my children's Father.Yet,I had struggled a LOT with extreme feelings of taking this homewrecker off the planet.I also wanted to scream at her parents who were supporting them and were also the product of adultery("The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...").

What always held me back though was my faith in God and that He will take care of them whe the time comes;I didn't want to go to jail and have my children raised alone by an adulterer or worse WITH the homewrecker;and most importantly,my children need ME.The stable loving parent who is there for them.I know you don't have kids but you don't want to end your life in jail by doing something they could get you for.They are SO not worth it.The OW is trash.Leave her alone in her garbage can(sorry if this offends anyone,it's not meant too but it's honest feelings).

In time and through talking these feelings have subsided.I still have the revenge fantasy now and then but it's just that,a fanatsy.I don't act on it.The other thing that has helped me a lot too is what you mentioned: I stay away from my WH.Everytime he comes around me I am filled with a profound sadness and also the feelings of revenge on the homewrecker come flooding back.

I have also made a choice not to see my WH anymore,at all.He was very mad and upset that I would not be his "friend" after what he did to me and after the D but that is too bad.It is in my best interest to stay away from him.I do not feel safe around him and he is not someone I choose to be around anymore.If I just met him,I would not even date him,he has changed so much and not for the better.As far as I am concerned,he no longer has any "rights" to me and so I do not want to ever see him again.I realize that many people can still be cordial after adultery and D but I cannot.It is a defense mechanism for me.I feel so much better when I am not around my WH or dealing with him at all.And,I have been essentially a single parent for over a year now,raising my children and taking care of my home alone,while my WH was out starting his new life.My girls and I will be good.

Give yourself more time.You sound like you have a big heart and I think your feelings will decrease as you deal with this.Forgivness doesn't come at anyone's elses pace but your own.And it's your gift to yourself.

Stay Strong~

O

Thanks O,

I do have a son but he is grown - 22 yrs. old & going to school in Canada, so I am home alone now for the first time in my life at 44 yrs. old. Plenty of time to think dark thoughts of revenge such as murder but I would NEVER do that, no man nor woman (or trick as I call her) is worth my freedom & although I have raised my "baby" he still needs his mother & my family would not want to see me in jail.

I recently found out that my father was prepared to kill my H, they live down the street from us & saw how neglectfull my H was of me & the house just everything & they know about the "lust child" my H had & could not understand y I even attempted to try & save my M especially since we have no kids together but I had to do what was best for "B" so I could sleep at nite when this was all over & I do - like a baby!

I don't ever see us a being friends, & if so it would be years from now, but since we have no kids we have no reason to talk or see each other & I have this feeling that is what he is thinking right now, that is y he called me yesterday - so I won't forget him????? To keep me "hooked"?????

He didn't want this D, I dont' blame him I wouldn't either - he had it made, was never home, saw his daughter whenever he wanted at the trick's apt., had financial obligations with the her that he shouldn't have had & all the while telling me to be patient while he worked this out - meaning legal visitations & cancelling the car ins. he put her on, etc.... Well I refused to live by his time table any longer so this is where it ends for me.

I wont' hurt anyone not even myself - not any longer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi B,

Sorry,I didn't see that you had a brown son.I guess if you don't have little ones in the home,it can make a D from a WS a little less complicated,shall we say?

My FIL,wanting to "kill" my WH too a long time ago.He was so angry at his son and this is a well respected doctor too.It just goes to show how deeply this act can affect everyone around us.I just wish we could eradciate adultery like the plague.It's a sickening "disease".Epidemic.

I too made the decision to file for a D.Niether of us wanted one for sure but I had to file.I had enough of my WH stringing us both along and I had done my requisite plans and waiting.After I filed and I let him go is when he put the pressure n me to be friends and talk to him and be with him.He most obviously wanted to have the homewrecker on one side and me and the children on the other.No way.We "fought" a long time on that issue.he pressured me unbelievably to be in his life even though it was hurting me.

Don't be friends if it hurts you B.Like trust,your STBXH has to earn that back and how many WS's are willing to do that after a they choose the OP? They cannot have it both ways,at least not in my book.

Be good to yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O