WH and I will be getting divorced..I don't doubt this fact - it's what we both need...enough is enough.

Yet, when we fight which still happens I constantly throw LB at him. Maybe I do it becoz I am still hurt that he is a WH and becoz he will not change - I know I do it becoz I want him to hurt..But, I know I must stop it...It's not healthy, not nice, and trying to degrade/demoralize is fruitless..

So MB buddies - please give me some pointers on how to stop slamming him..The argueing will never totally go away until we are divorced - but I feel horrible after we have a fight. Yesterday, Rather than feeling bad - I was actually laughing and so was he...this whole You file, No, You file, You Leave, No, You Leave is insane - hey, it's crying...

I am so sorry I wish I could give u some sound advice, but I can't. The last nite my H spent in the house with me we fought & it was my birthday that he didn't even acknowledge! I knew I could not continue to live like that & he had to go.

Since he left we have also had fights on the phone as recently as last Sat. which truly makes no sense. It is so pointless to continue to have the same arguements over & over, LBing & saying hurtful things to each other for what????? I know in my situation if I had not filed & then threw him out we would still b arguing daily or just not talking at all. We just could no longer live under the same roof.

I had even put my divorce on hold for 2 days thinking that maybe we could still try to work things out & he could come home at some point in time but reality set in quickly during us "talking" which quickly led to an arguement with huge LB's being thrown around by both of us.

I wish I could say something to help u here but I can't, other than to separate I see no way to stop the current madness u r experiencing.
I don't know if the LB's can stop when there is so much pain & u r both still in the house together.

He did mention last nite - that since neither of us wants to file - him from a financial standpoint and me becoz I still had (get that word HAD) love in my heart for him, that we could "separate"...

Well, wouldn't that be the easy way out for a serial cheat..Let's see it would be easier than splitting things up - he'd just give me alimony which would be cheaper for him than a divorce settlement. His MOW/OW would still not be able to force him into a committment and get this - he feels I should move out...Sorry, I'm not moving out till the checks on the table. Yes, I'd still work at our business but wouldn't that be fun for me...He could continue to publicly embarrase me at work w/his MOW/OW calling for him. He's even offered to buy me a house - hello - I'd be buying 1/2 of it...too..

My attorney said legal separations are typical anymore, judges prefer to get it over with..

I just need to stop fighting w/him. I know I pick a good 1/2 of the fights. I need to realize it does absolutely NOTHING for either of us to fight...And my goodness, when I do file the fights are only gonnna get worse..Sorry, I won't do AD meds - no MAN is gonna drive me to popping pills...

First, have no expectations. Treat him as a person you've just met on the street, with common courtesy.
Then transition this to a business relationship.
When you are ready to "let go" this becomes much easier.

yes, it is harder to implement than to write, but it's worth a try, isn't it?

You can "honor" your times together that were good by being civil and treating him like another human who has his faults as you have yours. Yes, it's easier to walk away from a marriage trashing someone, but why not move on realizing it wasn't meant to be. You are two different people, that is unless there is hope of restoration. Try to find some peace in your life through eating well, exercising, using your support group, find other ways to vent your anger then at your ex if you can.

If he would end his multiple A's - I would have an easier time not LB...

Resentment builds up in me..from his getting SF, spending time from work, what use to be my time to call, chase MOW/OW, to taking them out for lunch, drinks, etc..and I plug along alone...I know none of this is "fair" but I'm tired of being shut out and alone..Tired of seeing him use others to escape me...I resent the fact that these MOW/OW see nothing wrong w/stepping into my life and destroying me and my marriage..and my hands are tied from destroying them...
I'm not the ENEMY....

I don't blame u about the AD's, I actually had gotten some & took a total of 3 before I said this is crazy, I don't need a pill to help me live with this man - I just need to NOT live with this man!

As 4 the fights I have started my share too, when I knew I shouldn't just another reason y we had to be apart.

I hope u can work something out so that u two can live apart. It sounds like the best situation for the time being.

I know exactly how u feel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{Ithurts}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ItHurts,

Check out this site: Divorce as Friends It has helped me to put things in perspective. I think I probably have more incentive for things to be as least hostile as possible because of our kids. But it is also how I perceive her disregarding the impact of divorce on our kids that upsets me the most. I have decided that since I have no choice over the divorce happening, I do have a choice over how I participate in it and that I want to do it as the man I want to be--with integrity, compassion, fairness, and maturity--and not in reaction to her. I believe this is helping me to begin to heal. I am starting to see that I deserve better than someone who will not take any responsibility, won't seek help, and who regularly abuses me (emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physicallY). While I still have down days, I'm in a much better place than I was over the holidays. I want better for myself. Sure I'd turn back to her in a second if she went for help, but that is no more likely to happen than your h doing that. I can also relate to your frustration with regard to SF though in my case, I don't believe my wife is having it either but then she doesn't want it! But I am trying to maintain a perspective that there is good for me in going through this if I just open myself to receive it (instead of trying to fill myself up in the wrong way). So, yes, stop the LBing of your h, not for him, but for YOU, because YOU are better than that.

Hugs to you!

XS - Glad to see you are still here on the BB.

Thanks for the website - I really need help, I guess it's good that I know WHY I say/do the things I do. I just have to stop it..

If I am right in my thinking, that he has a sexual addiction problem - that should be another reason to stop the LB. He is sick and is unable to control himself - I should treat him as such and let him deal w/his demons and not cause further pain to him w/my LB. I wouldn't slam someone w/another type of "illness", so I shouldn't slam his illness either.

It's just hard - when you still love them and they can't/won't see what they are doing not only to us by to themselves.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am starting to see that I deserve better than someone who will not take any responsibility, won't seek help, and who regularly abuses me (emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physicallY). </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm at that spot too..I know this divorce will be hard for me emotionally - but I do deserve more than what he can/will give. I not only deserve it - I WANT IT...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure I'd turn back to her in a second if she went for help, but that is no more likely to happen than your h doing that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I'm in that spot anymore..I would have taken him back but I think I've learnt too much thru all this. Imagines of him "being" w/someone else and enjoying it..Is something I cannot accept, even if he is "sick". Knowing there have been MANY MOW/OW is too much for me to accept.

I keep telling myself that he couldn't love me at all to do what he's done. If it truly is an addiction I feel sorry for him - but, I feel sorry for me too. It's gone on for too long and he caused me too much hurt for too long. He may have put his problem on hold though I'm not sure of that - but, he continues to hurt me by shutting me out and that hurts as much as infidelities..

Some how he got wind that I have a BF - which is sooo not true..I have met a few men but have not persued anything - nor will I...SF or no - I am not emotionally stable enough to even think about another relationship anytime soon.

I do wonder though - remember you were concerned if reaching out to your wife was out of your addiction need for SF or out of missing/wanting your wife..IF my WH is getting help (which I think he might be)- does he continue to stay away from me because of those same feelings? His still fear of intimacy? or afraid that so much has happened that there is no way to fix this?

Thanks for the cyber hug..I need it bad...