I wasn't sure where else to go....I need help and advice...Please Read?

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. Born and raised in the church...we also have 3 children, 15, 12 and 7...

I'll try to be brief....

I found out almost 5 years ago to the week, that my husband had been cheating on me- several women- all over the course of 6 years starting during our 3rd year of marriage through...none of them serious- all things like "during lunch"- never weekend things and of course, he never left me for any of them....

I had serious trust issues from my childhood, and had told him that cheating was the one thing that would cause me to divorce him. So of course, in my mind- we were through.

When I found out, we were in the process of moving several states away, so I had the option of moving home with my kids to my parents, or moving to Florida to get settled and file here. One thing after another has happened- job changes- home purchase, etc...needless to say, we have not divorced yet.

The week I found out about his affairs- I turned my back on God as well. I was so devastated and didn't understand how at any point, I couldn't have been sheltered AT ALL from my H's ugly choices.

The first year after finding out, he turned around and loved me until he was exhausted....he went to a brief bit of counseling- and then went out of his way to "be the perfect husband"- all of which I rejected completely. I was set on getting a divorce.

During that year- he slept on the sofa...I ended up getting pregnant though, but yet ANOTHER sin on my part, I choose abortion (another long story)...I went alone- he didn't agree...I couldn't see any other way and we didn't deal with it at all.

Towards the end of the year of his loving me, I began to come around and think that perhaps his changes were real! He was so convincing!! I told him that we could maybe start over...and at that point- he told me it was too late....

Basically- for the past almost 3 years...he has told me repeatedly to find someone else- in Dec of last year, I "caught" him "chatting" online with an attractive female co-worker...a couple months later he was again unemployed (another long story- 16 job changes in 14 years)....this time he moved out of the bedroom and seemed to be falling in love with this person, who was also married and lives 4 states away.

In August I found some inappropriate emails between he and a client, and then another email the first of September between he and another lady- a married woman from his church!

During the this past year- the more he told me to find someone else, and the uglier he acted towards me, the more I did exactly that! I was so wrong in doing that....I ended up meeting and having relationships with about 3-5 different men.....a fact I'm not proud of...I never hid this from him, as he hid his relationships from me....it's not in me to lie I guess....

In August, I finally couldn't take it any more. I asked God back into my life and started attending church again, and for the first time, have been maintaining personal devotions and trying to seek God's direction. I also asked my H to move out.

He moved out and we have been seperated since September. He has his own apartment now...and the kids every other weekend.

The problem is this- and I need help!!!

I have turned "us" over to God...I was SO READY to walk away, and so sick of being hurt and lied to....I didn't feel complete hate towards him, but had no feelings at all! The problem is- I LOVE HIM!!!!

I have feelings of peace in my heart- feelings of love and forgiveness- to the point that I'm ready to divorce him to make him happy and offer him his freedom and future! But the thing is- I don't think he knows what he wants!!!

I am an emotional person, and because I'm feeling love and wishing our relationship and family was healed, I thought it would be best to keep the divorce simple, but to use a lawyer...I've made it clear to the lawyer that we are keeping it amicable- and that I DO NOT WANT THE DIVORCE....I'm in no way shape or form going to "screw him over".....

He freaks out when I mention divorce...he accuses me of being impatient and tells me to quit pushing while he figures out what he wants!!!

Over the past month, he was short on money...and he has done VERY right by me in terms of child support, etc...even though we don't have any written agreement in place....so I have given him money- I have invited him over (he has no tv and little furniture)....I am trying very hard to show him real genuine love and kindness.....

My goal has been that even through a divorce, that he will be able to look back and say "she really loved me"....

The confusion however, and continued hurt I'm feeling is almost too much to bare though!! That is why I need your advice!! What do I do? Every aspect of him is living single and seems to want to.....yet when I bring up divorce or make attempts to fill out paperwork, he gets angry with me....I don't want my filing for something I don't even want- to fill him with such anger that then there is NO HOPE of a reconciliation!!!

I need resolve- I need some clarity....I feel like God is nudging me to hold fast- to stay steady and true and to not file...but literally EVERYONE around me is telling me I'm nuts, that he could cause even more pain to me emotionally and harm to my finances, etc.....Even HE is saying to me on one hand- "i'm never coming home" and on the other hand "don't push to "date me"- let me be the one to ask"....

The kids of course, are hopeful- my oldest insists that I don't file....but I just am so confused and need some direction....

I know this is long- and I apologize for that....I just never thought that turning back to God, would turn me back to a Husband who has done nothing but hurt me and to a marriage that I thought/think is long dead and gone....

Are there any stories of success? Are there people in similar situations and this is just a phase that will pass? Should I file? Will it get easier if I just resolve one thing or the other?

Thanks again for any insight you can offer...I also will read through the boards to see what I can find!

Jeepgirl

ps. I'm familar with MB as well- I was here for a few months after I found about the affairs....I was turning away from God then though and was FURIOUS with him and he made fun of me for coming here to strangers for help....

It sounds like there are several wounds there, on both parts.

On one hand, you have to give things time to heal. But on the other hand, a fencesitter can sit there for a long time, stringing you along.

I would encourage you and him to talk about perhaps what kind of things it would take to cahnge his mind. What is keeping him from committing again? Is it just fear of trying and failing? Or is he just waiting fot eh OW to leave her H, so they can get married?

In the same vein, you would have to establish the clear boundaries in recovering from infidelity. No contact, and all that stuff. Dr. H has lots to say on recovery in the Q&A section, and I would encourage you to read it, as it can offer you much clue.

SInce he seems to be acting responsibly towards you wrt child care and stuff, I'm inclined to hope for the best, and that his reticence is just fear. And while he is certainly responsible for bring much pain to the party, given his affairs, if both of you are willing to work at it, there's no obvious reason you can't succeed.

But I'd start in the Q&A section, and read everything.

Others will be along shortly and offer their sage advice as well.

Thank you....

He tells me that we could never reconcile because our marriage is too beat up and there is no trust.

He also tells me repeatedly that he "just can't love me like I need to be loved" and that I can't possibly love him.

He won't go for counseling- he would never go when I asked...even when I asked this summer, that we go as friends/divorcing so that we can have effective communication as we will be connected forever through our kids...he said no.

He seems to be drawing closer to God as well....and I just don't understand- is it God's will that we be divorced then? I am not getting it....

Lastly, you mentioned no contact...I should make it clear too as well, that I have no contact with the men I was with....and I'm fearing that maybe that is what my H is not wanting to have to do....give up his search....he always seems to be looking...

He tells me he has no obligation to me....and he doesn't see anything wrong with the relationships he has been in this past year...is there such a thing as a person who just never stops going from person to person, job to job?

Thank you for your advice- I will definitely be reading more.....

:-)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jeepgirl:
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He tells me that we could never reconcile because our marriage is too beat up and there is no trust.
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DO you believe it? There is much about rebuilding trust int he Q*&A section. I encourage you again to read that material. There is *always* room for healing. It may take effort, and people may be unwiliing to give the effort, but it can be done.
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He seems to be drawing closer to God as well....and I just don't understand- is it God's will that we be divorced then? I am not getting it....
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Just because he doesn't see his relationship with God the same way you do, and hence believe the same things you do, doesn't mean that his "drawing closer" isn't true. Some churches believe in divorce, others don't, even if one of them is wrong, it doesn't change the relationship to God.

On the other hand, don't read too much into the actions of a person who doesn't seem to be following Biblical/Scriptural principles.

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...and I'm fearing that maybe that is what my H is not wanting to have to do....give up his search....he always seems to be looking...
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Quite probably true. I mean, why should he grow up, when he can just skip from broken relational dynamic to broken relational dynamic, seemingly without consequence?

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He tells me he has no obligation to me....and he doesn't see anything wrong with the relationships he has been in this past year...is there such a thing as a person who just never stops going from person to person, job to job?
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Well, you're seemingly married to one, so I think you have your answer. I believe you need to read the material on plan A/ plan B (and frankly, I can never keep them straight), but in essence, you need to declare and define a clear boundary, and stick to it.

If your H isn't coming back, then you need to move on, and stop devoting emotional energy into a fruitless pursuit. Once actually faced with having to make a choice, he may choose wisely. he may not, but since he doesn't seem to want you, I'm not sure why you would go to too great of lengths to be in a relationship withi somebody who doesn't treasure you.

And if you say for the kids, then you *really* need to re-think it. Kids aren't stupid. The examples that are set before them are how they will relate later on in life. If they see a W who's a doormat, and a philandering H, guess what kind of relationships they're going to form in the future? Healthy ones? Guess again. They're going to model the behavior they've seen. WHich isnt' healthy.

Am I advocating divorce? No. But I am advocating you drawing a firm boundary. And *sticking* to it. Your H has to live with the consequences of his actions. Some of those consequences will be devestating. That's unfortunately, part of living in a broken world.

If you think that somehow God is going to just reach down and zap your H, and all of a sudden, he's going to be the model H and father, I'd guess again. Not because he couldn't, but because we always have to live with the consequences of our actions. Your H chooses to cheat, lie, deceive, and be untrustworthy, he will have to live with the result of that. Your kids will have to live with the result of that.

In your not drawing a clear boundary, and sticking to it, you give him a "safe haven". A place to run to, where he can continue to trample on you, because you'll let him. He's not forced to live with the consequence of his choices, he's getting in some ways to have his cake and eat it too. He's got you on the back burner, in case he doesn't find miss Right (for a few months).

By you're defining the boundary, you remove his control over you. His anger is a way of manipulating you. Stop being manipulated. Make the choices becuase they're *morally* right. Not out of some misguided sense of sympathy for this guy.

Am I dumping on your H? Maybe. But not really. He can choose to come back to the relationship, and fix what's wrong. But it has to be his choice. Not you continuing to enable his mis-deeds.

Good luck.
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Dear Jeepgirl,
Your dilema is similar to mine. My WH is now separated from us living in his mom's basement. He was into internet personals and even dated a few times but swears "nothing happened" none the less, even looking on a site is enough for me to be deeply wounded. My WH is a liar and always whines about how much he loves us (we have 5 kids) so i"m thinking how long do I wait for this boy to grow up and be a man? I have lost too much time already (3 years since I found out he was being a scum to me and the kids) Now he wants 'what God wants" and wants to save our marriage. He emails me daily and I try as a believer to encourage him in Christ as well. But what is God's will here? I know from the word that God's PERFECT will is for my husband to grow up and mature and be a real man and Godly husband, and his will for me is to be a good wife. This requires cooperation from both sides. My husband must completely submit to God's will and leading and as of yet he is still focused on himself. My advise to you is to do what I'm doing, love him in Christ, draw a clear boundary line for him at see and pray God's will be done in your husbands life. Go on with your life as it is with your precious little ones and wait and see what God does. But out of respect for God, don't let your husband walk all over you. God wants you to be respected. Get some solid biblical counseling. Stand Firm in the truth that it is NOT God's will for you to be abused. Show your respect for God by respecting yourself. Pray that your husband becomes a real man. And about the abortion, I am an abortion survivor although it was years before I met my husband. I cannot properly tell you here how deep that wounds a woman and man. That in itself is a circumstance that needs healing. You've got a mountain to climb Jeepgirl. But as you go remember that God is teaching you how. "He makes my feet like hindsfeet so I can climb securely on high places." God will teach you just wait for Him. Be blessed that your hope doesn't lie in if your husband changes. Your hope is much higher than that. Be strong for your kids, but remember you are the one that chooses the path of your life. Hope this helps. Your not alone.