</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by horsey:
<strong> Do men that tend to be abusive need someone there to dump their garbage on? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know about that, but I have read a bit about dysfunctional families, that they "assign" roles to their members, and one of those roles is "scapegoat." There are also often members who are ridiculed (as in "the family dummy", or other screw-up roles).

My husband was the oldest child, his mom was obsessed with his younger brother who was deaf and even admitted to me that she neglected my husband as a child. She was working, he wound up having too much responsibility at a young age. They weren't an emotionally close family, she didnt' support him, the father never attended kids games and such. So he never learned what support is and doesn't know how to give it. I think he was blamed for the family problems as a kid, he took the brunt of the family disfunction. He wasn't labeled the loser really, but he was rebellious. He became a banker, made money, perhaps the status is a way he "showed them" what he could do and faught his insecurities. When people grow up learning that their mom and family isnt' there for them they learn to turn inside or to addictions is what I understand. So he hopped around a few marriages, drank and did some drugs in his twenties. Even if I tryed to give him support he didnt' know what to do with it, didn't trust me. Expected nothing and got nothing in the end. He's a perfectionist, very hard to live with, wants everything his way, extremely selfish. But he does things, like cooks and fixes the cars as examples of his love, the men are from mars things. Just can't be really intimate. I think it makes him uncomforatable. But that might be the alcohol too. He's been drinking more and more since I've known him. I wish he'd quit. That's all I know about disfunctional families... and controlling men.

Our marriage was as close to a repeat of what my H witnessed between his parents as it gets.
The weird thing is, I wonder when that will stop?

His folks divorced when he was 7, remarried each other when he was 10, divorced again when he was 16. They now have been divorced for 16 years, but have lived together for the last 11 years as roommates and family to each other. They get along now.
I wonder sometimes if we'll reconnect the way they seem to. I mean, if he really can't stop being like them... we are bound to.
But I kind of doubt it. He doesn't want to be like them. I think he's ashamed of himself for being like them as much as he was in our M.

We're both much more proactive than they are. They have let time heal their wounds without discussing it, without really doing the work to do more than survive. WE are actually persuing healing for ourselves as individuals so that we can thrive. there's a big difference between surviving and thriving.

I do See the Sky Above me like a Full Recovery!

We are friends now, and I haven;t thought about him or the divorce in weeks now. I think about other stuff. The future, my plans, my homework, exercising, my son....
I'm not sure in what capacty we will know each other, if any. And I'm not worried about it.
For now, it's enough to know we're both doing better, and that there isn't any 'bad blood' between us any longer.
Horsey, I'd take the list to the counseling session just to remind yourself what to look for.
But that is just me. Maye it would suffise to look at it before you go, and again when you get back.
Manily, don't fall for anything. If you feel you might, just sit tight and let it pass. ASk for time before repsonding. That's what I'd do.
I wish you luck, and continued good feelings.
Lucy