Maybe it's because we were married 12 years. Maybe it's because he was so incredibley emotionally and verbally abusive.
Maybe it's because we have children together.
Or maybe it's because he still hasn't let go.

But, I think about my ex every day. Constant reminders of him. ANd not in a good way.....the reminders are always of ways he hurt me. Worries about what he might still do. He surprises me in unpleasant ways just often enough to keep me unsettled.....a nasty email, a letter from his lawyer, a package he left on the door step, a phone call.....

Other than that, my life is quite wonderful. Healthy kids who are doing well. Terrific husband who loves me. Lots of friends. Good job.

So why does my ex haunt me? Why can't I just move on?

It isnt you who hasnt moved on, its your X Hubby.You might want to consider a restraining order, that will stop all contact, e-mails included

As long as you continue to devote emotional energy towards him, he will always be able to manipulate you. *You* give him the power.

Stuff on the doorstep? Throw it in the trash, w/o opening it, and tell him you did. A nasty email? Delete it w/o reading it, set up a filter in your email client so it just auto-deletes them. A nasty phone call? hang up. Letter from his lawyer? give it to yours, and tell him if you need to worry about it, to let you know.

Stop acknowledging his power over you. Everytime you spend one instant doing *anything* except what you're required to by the decree is wasted time.

Everytime you find yourself thinking about your x, stop and go find your current prize-winning H, and tell him you're thinking about your ex, and let him help you displace those thoughts. Hugs, kind words, whatever.

But every time you spend one iota of energy on him, you just pile on the bad karma, and the guilt, and you don't need that. I mean, look at home much time you're spending worrying about him, vs worrying about something much more productive. (As if worry was ever a good thing).

Think of your H as toxic. You stay as far away from poison as possible. YOu don't bring it into your home (gifts, letters, emails), you destroy it, and dispense with it.

Betty, it's doubtful I could get a restraining order since he stays just on the other side of actual harassment or threatening.

Jaye, you are right, I need to quit spending so much energy on him. Ironically, I think it's my new husbands "fault" that this has come up....I wasn't thinking of my ex much at all till we got married and I think it's the huge contrast from my first marriage that gets me thinking. My H is so kind, so considerate, so thoughtful, so loving.......and I wonder why I couldn't have had a marriage like that from the beginning. At least I know it wasn't me.....

Yes, I do tell my H every day and night how much he means to me and how wonderful he is. He just looks puzzled and says he's just being himself, not doing anything special.

Sounds like your H has a gift for understatement.

But that's good.

DOn't be afraid to directly enlist your H's help in this battle as well. He can help "shake you up", if he sees you start to spiral down into the morrass of bad karma that is your thoughtlife wrt your ex.

Sometimes stopping the spiral early can really help, before the situation degenerates, and much energy is wasted.

Given the guy you've married, I'm pretty sure he'd be willing to jump in.

anna, I empathize since I, too was married (still am legally) to an incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive man. I was able to get a restraining order when I filed for divorce. Maintaining NC by changing my e-mail and phone numbers, and finally being willing to call the police when he violated RO, has helped. Having kids together makes NC more difficult.

I think you're right about the impact of the abuse. Strangely, it seems almost harder to get over because, like you, I still wonder how I could have had a marriage like that. It's hard for me to accept. I still want to make it better in my mind somehow, even long after I gave up trying to fix things in reality.

Anna, you may not be able to get a restraining order... but then again, you might.

In my area, the local university has PhD programs in clinical, education, and counseling psychology, social work and law. With those five programs, they have to have a clinic which is supervised by licensed lawyers, clinical social workers and psychologists, but gives those PhD candidates a chance to work directly WITH the public on the real issues that they will deal with as professionals. The services are offered to the community on an income-based fee scale - but even the most expensive service ends up being about $15 per hour. There's something similar with the medical college 50 miles away; they have a residency program here locally so that they can get trained and then get placed in rural family practice clinics.

Do you have access to something like that through the main university in your area that places those students in local outreach clinics?

Great. Do not hit the STOP button in the middle of adding a reply because you forgot to add something - you can and will lose everything you just spent 1/2 hour writing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anna - you need to call a women's shelter for legal help - his behavior IS hurting the children and you may be able to set it up so that he can't call you at all directly - that visitation must be handled completely through a mediator so that you aren't the bad guy for him anymore.

I had a restraining order against him for 2 years, which I got with the help of the abuse crisis counselor and didn't cost me anything. I had to tell the judge why I felt threatened and then he made the decision. I'm sure if I showed him the emails my ex sends me, he probably would grant it.

I haven't heard from my ex all week.....since he sent the incredibly nasty email. Ironically, that makes me nervous too because I wonder what he's up to.

I think right now I'll do nothing, as I know he has to move in April because he sold our house; and he said he would move to the city he drives truck out of which is 3 hours from here. Of course, when he told me that, he said it was "up to me" where he moved, as he'd stay around if I "allowed him to be part of the kids lives." Well, of course it's not up to me whether he chooses to go to counseling or have supervised visits, he just likes to send me on a guilt trip. Didn't work this time.

Jaye, you're right, my H is great about helping me through this. He probably isn't as saintly as I make him out to be, just a normal nice guy, but the contrast with my ex is so huge that it makes my H seem like superman. LOL, lucky him! We talked about how my ex would be a problem and how my H would really be a dad, not a stepdad, to my kids; but without the "legal" title and he's really taken over the role. I was so touched when I was discussing my will with him and asked him whether I should leave guardianship of the kids with my brother if I were to die, and he said no, he wanted to be responsible for raising them because he loves them as his own. Wow, what a guy. I hope my kids really appreciate him.

Try a soft approach maybe. A win-win situation. Are you religious? Can your church's frens talk to him and try to help him. I think he is sick & need help - that's the rootcause. Try to find a solution that will cure him, eg. start from the people around him, his lawyer, his frens, his neighbour, relatives, get their buy in. You may need prove to disclose his misbehaviour, let the rest to side you.

THanks, but he refuses to have anything to do with my (was our) church or the friends we had together. He hangs out with a whole new group of people....heavy drinkers and smokers, nothing like our old lifestyle was. Its like he became someone totally different. Maybe that's what he meant when he used to complain that he "couldn't be himself" around me. I agree he's sick, but I can't make him get help; I've given him every opportunity, even suggested counselors and treatment centers but he sneers at me that I'm the one who needs help.