Just wondering if anyone has been able to acheive forgiveness for their XH/STBX (in my case he had several affairs and finally left the marriage for one of them)

Watching a story on 20/20 Friday night where they examined myths - #1 being that revenge is sweet -- they interviewed 1 woman who was dealing with the murder of her daughter - and she was able to forgive the killer -- that the act of forgiveness was extremely healing for her.

Now, I'm going through something that is not near as traumatic as that, and can't imagine the day when i can say I truly forgive my STBXH - especially since he shows no remorse. Though, I'm thinking that may be healing for me and may help me move on. Anyone have any thoughts on this topic??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now, I'm going through something that is not near as traumatic as that, and can't imagine the day when i can say I truly forgive my STBXH - especially since he shows no remorse. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgiveness is for the forgiver...it is important to forgive those who hurt, even if they are not around to tell (ie.a deceased family member). You can tell the other person, but only if you feel like that will lead to healing...not used to stir up a bigger can of worms.

The poison of bitternes eats at the person from the inside. It keeps you from making healthy relationships...with God, with anyone.

Wish I had my scripture references to add to this. Keep in mind that forgiveness is a process. Somedays better will be better than others.

Don't forget to forgive yourself. I think that is the hardest part for me.

You are not alone!
Tina

so here's a question:

HOW DO you forgive?

This is something I frequently think about. I really want to be able to forgive my WW at some point. But I know right now I am no where near that and I don't think its something you can force.

Speaking philosophically... I personally think that forgiveness is something you have to open you mind up to and will happen in time, if the circumstances are right and your open to it. I personally don't think you can just turn around one day and say I forgive you... you've got to deal with all the anger, resentment etc first.

Miker

How do you forgive?

That definitely can be a tough thing- and it can only happen in your own time frame- which for everyone is different...

These things have helped me forgive...

1) God's help...I ran away from Him in anger for 3 years....it wasn't until I turned back to him that I realized that I too, would have to forgive for the sins committed against me by my WS

2) Concentrating SOLELY and PURPOSEFULLY on the good from the past...even if it was tiny things- a flicker of a memory....when anger starts to creep back- I quickly focus on the fact that without my WS, I wouldn't have my 3 children....that alone is reason to have endured the past...and reason for me to daily forgive him...

3) Realizing that forgiveness IS for me- and for my kids....as I move towards divorce- I CANNOT let bitterness and unforgiveness spill over onto my kids- they are damaged enough and their scars already run deep without my adding to them...PLUS- I desire for them to be able to look at me as an example of real forgiveness....- what they learn to believe about God, they will learn from me...

4) I daily remember that I am not perfect..this helps me to realize I too fall short- and also to realize that while I AM trying to be forgiving and gracious...I will not always be perfect in that...sometimes I will have ugly thoughts, or bitter words...I can only do my best...

I don't know if this helps- and it has taken me a good almost 4 years to get to this place...but since daily working to forgive what my WS has done...I feel SO much freer and at peace....a place I NEVER thought I'd be

Jeepgirl

Interesting comments...

docthorpe -- that is what I want to avoid - the bitterness that will eat away at me. That is why I feel I need to forgive at some point. I just don't know how to even begin to go about it.

Elan - GREAT question! I have NO idea!

Miker - I agree it can't be forced.... but it needs to be a conscious process, doesn't it? Otherwise it will just be ignored and never acheived. I'm trying to get past the anger, etc... but having a tough time at the moment as i'm needing to deal with him and he's being such a jerk. I suppose as the days progress and I'm not in contact with him I'll be able to move towards forgiveness??

Jeepgirl - great list. I don't have children involved though -- that would be a tremondous motivator to get to the point of being able to forgive. I just need to do it for myself and with God's help, I will get to that point (I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) That is what I want -- the "freer and at peace" feelings you speak of. My marriage is over - I've accepted that... I need to have peace with that though I think in order to really move forward for myself.

Stillprocessing-

I am not a counselor, all I can tell you is from my heart and my experiences. I have seen lots of people that have been consumed by guilt, anger, bitterness. As a medical professional, my job is to deal with the physical well being, however, there are lots of times that the emotional and spiritual well being is much more important. I have seen negative emotions literally eating people alive.

Next question...are you a book reader? I am a reader as well as an external processor. So I read then talk about what I have read to a trustworthy friend. I have also found that participation in a divorce support group has been helpful. Scripture has lots of references to forgiveness (Matthew 6, the Lord's Prayer).

Do you have a support group? A person to call at 3 am if you need to? Where are you in the grieving process? What are you "doing to get on with your life?" Lots of questions, I know!
Tina

I personally don't know how I will ever forgive my STBX. I do hope that one day I can for ME. I don't think anyone can give forgiveness until they are truly ready and they are a peace with themselves.

Doc - I'm an avid reader - I bought soooo many books in the aftermath of learning about the affair I was making myself dizzy. I have an awesome support group (friends and family) but no "official" support group. I have NO idea where I am in the grieving process -- I've gone through the loss of my mother 5 years ago and I seem to not really do the traditional grieving -- I haven't really hit the anger part in this whole infidelity/divorce thing... sure I'm angry but I haven't really directed it to STBX. I've been doing a lot to move forward with my life - I moved into an apartment that is much closer to friends and work - have been staying very physically active (exercising, hiking, walking), busy with family and friends.... am looking forward to the warmer weather and longer days so I can do more... i tend to hibernate in the winter!

I feel I'll be able to forgive at some point -- even now I have flashes of feeling like he's done me a favor - but is that the same thing? I think my biggest hang up is going to be not forgiving him for the affairs, but forgiving him for not even wanting to try to work things out with me before he walked away. I just feel like that showed that he did not have enough love for me to give "us" a chance. And that really bothers me.

In my case, I had little problem with forgiveness because I was very much aware that as much as my (now ex-)wife was hurting me, she was hurting herself more. I had to deal with her abandonment of me, and with her extortion and false accusations and lies. But she had to live with her guilt, and with the walls she built around herself. What punishment or revenge could be more terrible than that?

Stillprocessing- This is likey to be a long post...I will put that upfront.

I too am an avid reader...I swear that I have read everything that I can get my hands on. Psalm 32 is a great start. The gospels spend alot of time talking about forgiveness. Matthew 18: 21-22, Romans 12:17-19. There are an overwhelming amount of books. David Seamands writes aseries about healing. His books are based in God's grace. The have helped me with forgiveness and healing of myself confidence. They have also helped me to walk away from the myth of trying to be perfect.

I am glad that you have a great support group. I have gotten involved in Divorce Care. The teaching then small group format works for me. I did not have many friends that have been through this, only one that approached his process with any sort of emotional and spiritual health. SO for me it has been a place that shows me that I am not alone in my process. Of course, this web site has also been that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I haven't really hit the anger part in this whole infidelity/divorce thing... sure I'm angry but I haven't really directed it to STBX. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have been through alot. Grieving is a very personal process. No one should try to tell you how you should go through it. You make a comment that you are angry, but not at your STBX. Who or what are you angry at? You don't have to answer that to me...just think through the source of your anger.

Moving forward is a great sign of forgiveness. But only if it is because you are growing. Deal with changes, emotions, then making practical adjustments in your life, making decisions, taking responsibility...these are all good signs of moving forward.

I had to realize what true forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiveness is...willingness to let go of ineffective, self destructive anger, bitterness; giving the responsibility of "justice" to God.

Forgiveness is NOT...being a doormat, forgetting, condoning the "wrongs", pardoning (taking away consequences), reconcilliation, letting go of healthy emotions.

Process of forgiveness </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">acknowledge your feelings and make a plan how to deal,</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">don't overfocus on the person, but instead the action,</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">make a conscious decision about forgiveness (that means you have to BE ready to forgive),</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">decide why you want to forgive</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">think differently about the person you are forgiving (GnomeDePlume had a good point, pitty for the STBX)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">accept the process and where you are in it</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">think about it feels to BE forgiven, this can help you stick with your plan</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this list seems disjointed, it is because I have tried to paraphrase from several sources.

Steps to Forgiveness (including scriptural references...totally pirated...not mine) </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Identify and feel emotions that lead to forgiveness, they will become more "real" with practice (Matthew 5:4)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Submit to God and ask Him for grace and power to forgive (Col 3:13, Luke 11:9-10)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Accept the consequences of the other person's action against you (not the responsibility)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Release the offense and refuse to use it as ammunition (Matt 6:12, Romans 12:17)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep forgiving, reject unforgiveness (Matt 18:21-22)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let God Be God! He is a righteous judge.(Romans 12:19-20)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Replace the old with the new (Eph 4:31-32, I Peter 3:9)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Remember to give positive self talk and forgive yourself...somedays will go well, somedays will feel like you have to remind yourself every minute. This post is not based on what I have done, but what I am doing. It sounds like you are doing a great job in ecognizing what you need to do for yourself. There is not ONE GOOD way to work through your loss, so just keep trying...Now I sound like a cliche!

I am hanging in there with you!
Tina

Tina - you have given me much to think about. Thank you! All great points... I'm going to head to my bible and do some reading... I already know which points I'll have the most problems with (letting go of the offense and not focusing on the person - I still have a tough time separating him from what he did)

Thanks for taking the time to reply -- I will check back in and let you know if I've progressed at all. I'm thinking I'll need more time but do know that I'll need to come to the point where I can forgive him - for myself - in order to just let go of the whole "event" and move on for me. I am blessed to be surrounded by a spiritual family who keep reminding me that he will get his justice from God.