This is my first post on the D/D forums.

I've been on GQII for about a year.

The Cliff Notes version of my story is below, but my D will be final soon, and I'm actually kinda happy to be putting this sordid chapter behind me. (But if you guys have anymore questions, just ask!) I tried hard....real hard. But my STBXW just never even sniffed turning back towards the M after we separated more than a year ago.

I've spent the last year working on improving myself, although as time passes, I really start to wonder how much I actually conributed to the demise of my M. Either way, I'm pretty close to happy with the way things turned out.

But here's the crux of my question.

At some point here, I'm going to, at the very least, start to wade into the shallow end of the dating pool.

What in the heck can I expect? I know it seems like a silly question, but let me explain....

I've had exactly one steady GF. STBXW. And I think we see how that played out.

I was the funny, fat, smart kid in HS. Remember him? That was me. I actually lost a lot of weight before my senior year, and dated a lot, but no relationships. I met WW after my first semester in college, so I never dated in college.

Now, I'm in great shape, still pretty funny, but probably not as smart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

During my year long separation, I often went out with friends. I enjoy going to see live music, so I'd do that more often than not. Almost every instance that I went out, I would meet/talk to someone. It's probably silly, but I suppose it was some sort of validation that I was attractive/interesting/whatever. My friends where often impressed that I would just start talking to some random girl. It was actually pretty funny, because I have nothing that even remotely resembles "game" but manage to hold intelligible conversation with just about anyone. But during all of this, never once have I asked for someone's phone number. A lot of it was because I was "married", but I won't have that to hide behind much longer.....

So before I ask this painfully embarrasing question, let me say this. I love having MB as a sounding board for stuff like this. My friends would look at me as a total goofball.

I honestly don't think I've ever asked for someone's phone number. Honestly. Is it just that easy? "Hey, it's been cool hanging out with you tonight, can I give you a call some time?"

Goodness, that's pathetic....

That aside, what else should I expect from the dating world these days?

I don't think I'll fare that poorly. I'm fairly intelligent, I don't look like Shrek, I have a stable job that pays well, and I have no frightening diseases, dysfunctions or addictions. I'm probably the guy that every girl says she wants......(But we know that's not true <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Any advice, or wisdom to share?

Thanks,
Ethan

Wow
I don't have any words of wisdom!! I'm just hoping people will respond because I too, haven't dated since I was 19!!!
How to start over?
And where do we go at our age to even find people to DATE? LOL
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Let me just say I'm glad I still am "technically married" so I don't have to worry about this yet. I have to admit I am scared to death about this part of divorce (although I am becoming a bit excited about it too, just not ready yet). I also haven't been on a date with anyone but my WW since I was 19. Not sure I even remember what to do on a date but I'm sure hope I've learned a few things along the way... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cheers,

Miker

How about something to the effect of "I've really enjoyed talking with you tonight. I'd like the chance to get to know you better. Would you be interested in meeting for coffee (coke, a drink, etc )sometime?" If she shows an interest, then maybe ask if there's a number you can call her at to set it up, or would she like to set something up now? There can be the issue of a woman not feeling safe enough to give you her number when you've just met. You might then suggest that if she's not comfortable giving you her number than you can give her your number and say that you really hope to hear from her in the next few days.

I'm surely not any expert! Just a 49 yr old woman getting back into the dating world again.

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

thefurnitureman,

Funny how this post popped up today. I just took an ex-girlfriend out for a dinner this weekend. Funny, because this fine lady was the one I broke up with to date and marry my WW. Had a great time( I am very friendly with all my ex-girlfriends and even my ex-wife).

After we parted company, I experienced a choking feeling in my throat and almost a fear of impending doom. It finally hit me that I was undergoing a near panic attack. I don't know why but I suspect that even though my WW has treated me and the memory of our M like dog poo, the profound respect that I have for my marriage vows made me feel as if I was cheating.

I guess I'm not ready for the moving on game to begin.

Furnitureman,
With a personality like yours, I don't think you should worry too much. Despite what alot of people say, I didn't find the dating thing too awful at all.......I had fun! (Yeah, but then it all had to end; I met this guy that was too wonderful to pass on and here I am married again. Sigh...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Just remember, this divorce is really fresh and it will take time to heal, so don't be in a hurry. If you want to find someone you are really compatable with, think of your hobbies and interests and join clubs, go to places that involve those interests, etc. That way you're having fun and can casually meet women.

Oh, and I think it's better to give her your number. She'll feel safer and it puts the ball in her court. Give her your business card and say "I really enjoyed meeting you, it you'd like to have coffee sometime, call me". She'll be oh so flattered and not feel pressured.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My friends where often impressed that I would just start talking to some random girl. It was actually pretty funny, because I have nothing that even remotely resembles "game" but manage to hold intelligible conversation with just about anyone. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have that same ability - I can chit-chat to anyone - any age..In fact, this really ticks my WH off..I think he views it as flitering..and I'm not. I just enjoy talking...expect about politics..hahahha.

I'd suggest that you give the woman your phone # too - let it up to her to make the 1st move..or say that you really enjoyed the conversation and hey - do you want to exchange numbers???? so we can continue this next week???

Or say, I'll be here next (pick a day) why don't you stop in I'd like to spend time talking again, maybe get something to eat..I'll be here around (pick a time) try and stop in..

I think the more casual the better - though, at your age coming right out and asking for a date probably works too..My age, 47 I prefer no pressure, no dates yet..

I can't even imagine a date..Oh, maybe you should contact my WH he doesn't have any problem picking up women...hahahhahhh bet he can give you some great pointers...hhahhah

Good luck -

“””This is my first post on the D/D forums.”””

Welcome ((Ethan))

”””I've spent the last year working on improving myself, although as time passes, I really start to wonder how much I actually contributed to the demise of my M.”””

Hmmm……. Interesting….. I know this isn’t the topic of your thread but could you take a moment to explain that? I came from a situation where it was REAL easy to overlook my part because her role was so blatantly obvious. But am convinced that had I not took the time to make a thorough personal inventory of my character traits and how they affected my marriage then I would be doomed to repeat the “my” mistakes. And as we’ve learned we can only control and change ourselves.

“””At some point here, I'm going to, at the very least, start to wade into the shallow end of the dating pool.”””

Just make sure that when you enter that shallow end of the pool that you know how to swim. Make sure you are being honest with yourself. Look up the “grieving” process and take a look at it to find out where you are. Knowledge is power and knowledge of ones self is very powerful. Then don’t force things. Continue to work on yourself and allow it to happen.

”””A lot of it was because I was "married", but I won't have that to hide behind much longer.....”””

You are correct, then you’ll need to make good choices because it’s right for you.

”””I honestly don't think I've ever asked for someone's phone number. Honestly. Is it just that easy? "Hey, it's been cool hanging out with you tonight; can I give you a call some time?"””

OK the 1st phone number I got when I was “looking” was from a bank teller that I later found out was married. I never asked for it, she just slipped it to me. I was pretty darn excited till a buddy told me she had a HUGE husband.

”””I don't think I'll fare that poorly.”””

You will do fine. The one thing I’ve seen around is that people try to rush and force the whole dating thing. Latch on and try to pretend someone is something they are not. That’s why I believe the most important thing is self awareness.


PS..Annasnewlife has some good advice. I'm presuming that for this "live music" passion you are going to clubs/bars CAUTION....

You guys are awesome.... Lots of stuff to chew on..

I'll see if I can put together a logical response.

Cy,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It finally hit me that I was undergoing a near panic attack. I don't know why but I suspect that even though my WW has treated me and the memory of our M like dog poo, the profound respect that I have for my marriage vows made me feel as if I was cheating.

I guess I'm not ready for the moving on game to begin.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny YOU should mention something like this. Around October/November(ish) a lady my age who I had met at her work (CD place), and known for a month or two invited me out with a group of her friends one night. I think I was shaking because I was so nervous, for the same reasons you mention above. Of course, I just wanted somebody to hang out with occasionally, she was looking for, uhhhh......more. As time went on, I began to see some real Jekyll and Hyde stuff from her. Scared the bejeez out of me, to say the least.

Oh, before I go further.... Thanks to those that gave me "tips." You guys rule! I've got my pen and paper out, and taking notes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LH,

First off, congrats on your engagement!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hmmm……. Interesting….. I know this isn’t the topic of your thread but could you take a moment to explain that? I came from a situation where it was REAL easy to overlook my part because her role was so blatantly obvious. But am convinced that had I not took the time to make a thorough personal inventory of my character traits and how they affected my marriage then I would be doomed to repeat the “my” mistakes. And as we’ve learned we can only control and change ourselves.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The situation itself forced me to take a complete inventory of myself. It stripped me down to nothing. And I'm cool with that, because it helped me change a lot of the things that were "wrong" with me. I'm waaay closer now to who I've always wanted to be, then I ever was when I was with my WW. So, in a lot of ways I'm thankful. One of the big things I've learned through all this is boundaries/self-respect. Really helped me with the situation I mention to Cymanca above. I was very comfortable with I will and won't accept from someone. Good stuff.

The grieving process.....Hmmmm...

My dad died of lung cancer when I was 20. Much like the death of my M, it was very largely based on poor choices. Both of his parents died of lung cancer, and he had a heart attack at 50, because he smoked often. He never quit, and ten years later he died of cancer. He lasted about nine months after he was diagnosed, and by the time he passed my mom and I were just pretty much ready for it to be over. Actually, pretty frightening how similar it was to my M. My dad was uhhhh....difficult to live with, to say the least....(You can imagine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) Anyway, in a lot of ways, like my STBXW, even though I loved him (and her) I'm not real sure I've ever really missed him that much since he's been gone, and I'm getting there with STBXW. Sad to say, but it is what it is. I didn't have much of a choice with my dad, but at least I had a choice here.....

Thanks for the words of caution. I plan on taking things slowly with anyone...and the "bar" thing does concern me a little. But, I'm a pretty good guy, and I'm there. Of course I'm lso trying to brainstorm some different ways to meet folks.

And although my D itself will be final soon, my M has been over for quite some time. My STBXW and I spent about 6 hours together in the last year, all of those before March. I probably "gave up" sometime in September, and just pride of "I didn't screw it up, I'm not paying for it" kept me on this long. Again, I'm OK with that, because it's given me time to define me and the kind of person I want to share "me" with in the future.

I'm not necessarily looking for another R anytime soon. But, as an example, I was invited to a Mardi Gras ball earlier this month......and had exactly no one to even ask. So for the near future, I think I'd just like to find someone to do things with from time to time. I still do a lot by myself, and I'm not real sure that I'm ready to give that up just yet.

I was forced to create a life for myself...and so far, I'm happy with where it's headed.....

Ethan

Well, dating is not any harder than it used to be, IMHO. And in some ways it is easier. One thing for sure, I am a more confident and stronger person since WW's affair and the divorce. I had to be otherwise I would have been destroyed.

I think the key is to have some confidence in yourself and accept the fact that 80% of the time or more things won't work out, and IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Your biggest problem is that women still seem to be suckers for the bad boys of the world, and they will give a nice guy the cold shoulder in a New York minute, but spend hours flirting with a bad boy. You just have to accept that fact of life and remember that it has nothing to do with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your biggest problem is that women still seem to be suckers for the bad boys of the world, and they will give a nice guy the cold shoulder in a New York minute, but spend hours flirting with a bad boy. You just have to accept that fact of life and remember that it has nothing to do with you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, now.... I disagree. I married a "bad boy" and that was the problem. He wanted to continue in that role--just with the benefits that come with M such as his laundry clean and his meals cooked. I loved him dearly, but he never was into the responsibility/parenting thing. He still wanted to be 18 and single and cocky with his Harley and his tats and all.

I'm not saying he couldn't be fun from time to time, but give me a "nice guy" ANYDAY!!!

And by the way Ethan, I've read and responded to a few of your posts over on GQII over the last year. You seem to have a great personality. I think you'll do fine out there.

LL

((Ethan))

”””First off, congrats on your engagement!”””

Thank you. It is amazing what happens when you are not looking.

“””The situation itself forced me to take a complete inventory of myself. It stripped me down to nothing. And I'm cool with that, because it helped me change a lot of the things that were "wrong" with me.”””

AWESOME… No it’s not awesome that you had to go through the pain but it is awesome that you took advantage of the situation to experience positive personal growth. When I see these dating threads come up my standard answer is take time, heal, get to know yourself, blah, blah, blah. Then I watch here and in my other relationships in life as people ignore that advice and jump for their next X continuing the circle of pain. To me it goes back to that whole “You can’t get orange juice from an apple” thing. If you are “not healthy and self-aware” then how can you expect to have a healthy relationship? From what you’ve said and what FHL04 said last night it seems that you are well on your way.

“””The grieving process.....Hmmmm...”””

IMHO it’s largely a matter of progression and self-awareness. Everybody cycles through it at their own pace and some never complete it. And again, I applaud you for taking the time to work on you and discover you.

”””Thanks for the words of caution. I plan on taking things slowly with anyone...and the "bar" thing does concern me a little. But, I'm a pretty good guy, and I'm there.”””

Obviously many of us offer advice because of events that have happened in our lives. Ask about anyone here and they’ll say I am a “pretty good guy” but the bar scene led me to places I never would of went and that’s why I offer the warning. That being said you seem to have progressed a lot further than I when I was doing the deal. So, obviously, just be careful. In retrospect I met a lot of people in bars, no really A LOT because I was there A LOT, and not one of those people is now in my life nor would I want them in my life.

“””I still do a lot by myself, and I'm not real sure that I'm ready to give that up just yet.”””

That right there is awesome. I went through a time when I did that and loved it. I had a ball and became totally comfortable with me. Then another amazing thing happened, people saw my attitude and the peace and serenity in my life. Guess what? They liked that and levitated towards it. Before I knew it I was surrounded by people which wasn’t necessarily a good thing because then I had too much of the good thing. So now I strive to keep balance in my life and it’s working. Heck, it landed me the prettiest little thing Florida ever produced.

Good luck brother and keep on the path of self discovery.