My H and I have been together for 14 years. In this time he has been an abusive H and I have had two affairs, one he knows and one he don't, I am very sorry for ever having either of these affairs, it seems that when things got really bad I turned else where the wrong place.
We split up four years ago and reunited after a short time. He did stop being abusive to me and is trying to help out some with the household and our three children lately, but I don't love this man, I almost feel I dislike him very much. He can be very mean to our children girls aged 12, 8, and 3. Even his own mother said it seem like he hated one of our daughters the way he speaks to her. He would buy a box of ice creams for himself and the girls would ask him for one and he won't let them have one he told them he had brought them for himself and not for them, so they ask me and I give in having him to get mad at me for giving them one, or he would get mad at them and call them names, swear at them until they cry. Then he would be like oh dads sorry. How many times should I let this happen before I decide to leave?? I have told him repeatly that if he don't change towards the girls I am leaving him. Other people only see the wonderful man, he can be, just not always. Or am I just seeing it wrong, where I know I don't love him????

You're in a complicated spot.

But I guess for me, my heart goes out to your girls, and I think about the lessons they are learning.

As the parent that seems to not have their head up their butt, you have an obligation to protect them.

If you can do it in a way that leaves the door open to working on your Marriage, then great.

But think about what they're learning, and what kind of behavior is going to be considered acceptable, since that's the way mom and dad did it.

Almost makes me cry. I have a soft spot for daughters, 2 of my own, almost your age.

So in essence, you need to stop the abuse, before any healing (if it's even desired) can take place. It doesn't excuse your affairs, that's a whole 'nudder can of worms.

That's the hard part the lessons that the girls are learning from us.I grew up in a broken home and it was very hard. My H keeps reminding me of this and how hard it will be for the girls, if we split up. I keep telling telling him that I don't want the girls to have a marriage like we have, he use to be a very absive towards me, I know what the girls are feeling when he is doing this to them. It just really kills me to see this, when he thinks it is okay. What I am thinking if that we don't live together and he don't see them everyday, he would change and treat them better knowing he won't be with them all the time.
A few months ago(back in the fall) I told him I couldn't take living with him anymore, so in that time he has turned around alot, but now it seems the outburst are at the girls instead of me, I have told me again just after Christmas that if he does once more to one of them I am leaving, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they grew up and considered this kind of behavior acceptable
I think he can turn things around for them, but he needs to see that it is abuse. I think if he could then I would really like to give it a try and maybe work on things. I already see the signs in my 12 year old, she always tells me that we don't love her, she is the one who saw and heard more of what use to happen between us then anyone else, and for a while until I relized what I was doing I would take my pain out on her, I have been trying really trying with her, but she seems unreachable...what am I to do for her????
For the affairs that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my days, knowning I can't take it back, believe me if I could I would go back in time!!!

Well, let's see, the abusive H, is reminding you of how bad it will be for the kids if you break up (removing them from toxicity), while at the same time, treating them like crap if you stay?

That argument makes no sense.

You're right, your H can change. But he has to want it. And there is *nothing* you can do to force it.

In some ways you have kind of implemented a mini-plan B, but I'm guessing until you really shake his world, nothing's going to change.

In short, there's no consequence for his action (that he can see immediately), so he is unlikely to change.

I can send you a link "my story", if you're interested, as I used to be an abusive H, and have reformed.

Have you tried any kind of counseling? Anger management, any of that stuff? (I mean, him, or you and him, etc).

I would encourage you to get a book by Patricia Evans called "The verbally abusive relationship, how to recognize it and respond". If financial concerns are an issue, I give them away free, so don't hesitate to ask. It has good tools on how to respond to that kind of behavior. (I wouldn't toss it in your H's lap and tell him read it, this'll fix your problem, it's not that kind of book. It's for the abusee, not the abuser).

The parenting issue is a whole nother issue (between you and your 12 year old), but all is not lost.

If you want, we can talk about it as well.

You a believer? ANy kind of church background?

No, I am not a believer as such, but I do have church background and my children go to sunday school every week.
I would really like that book, I will see if I can get on line at chapters.
My H has changed really, he use to be all of the above when it comes abuse. I put up with the hitting, name calling, not allowed to spend money(even though I have always had a job), and be put down in public or in front of friends for 10 years. Now he knows that one hit or name calling for me towards me and it is all over. So if he can see it and change towards me why not his children and well his mother too, they also hear him mistreating his mom. Some people has said to me that he hasn't really changed, just he knows how to act with me, is that true, you being the abuser before, when you change, really change isn't towards everyone??
When it comes to counseling, we have been to marriage counseling, and he has went to one session of anger management. himself but for some reason he told me that they said he didn't need to come back.
It would be nice to talk to someone that has been there, but if my H found out he would really get angry with me.

Please send me the link, I would love to read it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newfiegal:
<strong> I would really like that book, I will see if I can get on line at chapters.
[qb]

Amazon has it for 8 bucks as I recall.

[qb]
My H has changed really, he use to be all of the above when it comes abuse. I put up with the hitting, name calling, not allowed to spend money(even though I have always had a job), and be put down in public or in front of friends for 10 years. Now he knows that one hit or name calling for me towards me and it is all over. So if he can see it and change towards me why not his children and well his mother too, they also hear him mistreating his mom.
</strong>

Doesn't really sound like "change", more like "managing".

<strong>
Some people has said to me that he hasn't really changed, just he knows how to act with me, is that true, you being the abuser before, when you change, really change isn't towards everyone??
</strong>

Ah. Same point I was trying to make. You have staked out your boundary and he is respecting it. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to see the same boundary with your kids. And that needs to change.

<strong>
When it comes to counseling, we have been to marriage counseling, and he has went to one session of anger management. himself but for some reason he told me that they said he didn't need to come back.
</strong>

Gotta be honest, that sounds *very* surprising. And a more than a little self-serving on his part.

<strong>
It would be nice to talk to someone that has been there, but if my H found out he would really get angry with me. </strong>


Anger is another power-over control strategy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get Evans, and perhaps we can talk after you've had a chanve to digest it.

It really is lifechanging stuff.

Here's the link.

I have "modified" it since then, and expanded on several areas in conversations with other members, but that's a start.

Whatever you do, don't print it, give it to your H, and tell him that "here's what he needs to do"...

I am ging to look into getting that book...today!!

I can't really show him that message, I would love to it really does have great things in it, I am just afraid that he will see that I have posted one.

Just for one issue you touched on (although they all seem to be all my issues) the TV, it has always been a problem. I am not the TV type, but it seems to be one of the most important things to him, and yes I have tried repeatly to explain that I feel less important then a "TV". There for a while he did start to go to bed with me instead of staying up and watching TV, but these last few weeks I am going to bed alone, and his idea of time alone is watching a movie together, but hey I can do that all by myself.
Really if I where to be honest to myself, there is alot more problems within my marriage then just the way he treats people. Even though the marriage conseling that we did was really great, I would have anyone that is married (even if you don't think you have any problems to do it). it just seems that things have sliped back to the way they where.

Like you said everyone needs to fix themsevles, and I am not where perfect,I need to take a good look and see what maybe I can really change. Although I have to say when it comes to my marriage, he hasn't had to done anything more then sit and watch TV, until this pass few months.

By reading that I guess you where who you where in front of friends?? As with my H, some of my friends have seem how he is(not many), for most they think there is nothing like him. Maybe I just see it wrong and please tell me if I do, but last week I was really sick, in bed four days, I got up to shower on Friday and saw that my house was a disaster, so I cleaned it up, layed back on the sofa amd when he came home I asked why it hadn't been cleaned up and he really didn't answer all he said was "you didn't have to do it". So that was okay, we went to a friends house for supper(same day), he wanted to go even though I was still feeling ill. After supper he cleans away the table washes the dishes and even ask if I wanted him to get me a cup of coffee(after all week not getting me anything)this just really upset me because my friends think that he is just wonderful. Do I have a right to get upset, or should I be telling him how nice that was of him????

Amazon...is that a site like chapters, where you can order on line??