this is probably a lost cause... my husband and i are fairly young, we got married a year ago.. he wanted to go to this school in wyoming, so i decided to go with him... the first couple months i payed for rent and whatnot, and ran out of money of course.... i've had a hard time finding a new job the past couple months, considering this is only a town of 25k people.. and i don't have much experience at all.. we don't get to go out much at all.. lately he has just been frustrated with me, i can see why.. but i don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore...

just to tell you, i don't want someone to tell me that i need to get myself out of this, that i don't deserve it.. because i want to work out my marriage more than anything, and i love him too much to just give up...

on friday night he wanted to go out with his friends.. i'm not old enough to go to the bars so i stayed here.. he came back, really drunk like i figured would happen.. he brought two of his friends home, he went to the bathroom so i walked in just to say hi.. i missed him.. all the sudden he snapped on me, saying i'm always nagging him when he goes out with his friends, that i make him feel like **** all the time.. i tried to say something and he pushed me back into the tub.. his friends were yelling at him telling him that he's being an idiot (and anyone could know that that's probably not the best idea).. i came in to just talk to him, he threw me on the floor and started to choke me...

i know he feels like **** now... i know that doesn't make it better... but atleast he knows what he did was wrong.. he promised me he wouldn't drink anymore, atleast not for a couple years...

his friends told me to go home for a while.. he's telling me that if i leave i won't want to come back.. we're both a mess.. but he's still making me feel like **** because i can't find a job.. i'm going to try harder now...

but i still can't get past everything he has said to me the last couple nights.. i can't fall asleep without crying myself to sleep.. i hate this feeling, but contrary to what my parents say, i want to stay and try and work this out.. i don't know if i'm doing the right thing..

i guess all i want to know is if anyone has ever been in a situation like this..

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: ignite-the-sky ]</small>

((Ignited))

WOW!!! Sorry that you find yourself here but these boards are full of wonderful people. As I see it you are dealing with two seperate issues with him and then pile a couple on yourself.

First ABUSE. I can't ever recommend someone stay in an abusive relationship. Does he have a history of angry outbursts, mental or physical abuse. I'm not expert on the subject matter but believe it's a "progressive" problem. Meaning that left alone it will continue to get worse.

Second ALCOHOL. Alcohol alone can be a HUGE problem, coupled with an angry person it can honestly be deadly. What is his history with alcohol use? You stated that you expected him to be smashed, is that his normal when he drinks. Alcoholism, if that's what he has, is a progressive illness and left untreated will lead to a life of misery.

So 1st off, I think you need to give an honest evaluation of his behaviors. That he "feels" bad afterwords doesn't mean dootle-e-squat. Does he have anger issues? Is he mentally or physically abusive? Does he drink too much?

Then look at yourself. In your brief introduction I heard you say "I am co-dependent". What is your self-worth and self-esteem level?

You've got some serious thinking to do here. 1st and foremost ensure that you are safe. If he needs some help, safely get him some. If you need some help, get some. Please give us some more information so that we can better understand what all is transpiring.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

ps.... I was married young as well. Man I wish I would of listened to my parents, they truly did want what was best for me. Granted I received the blessing of 3 wonderful daughters but life would have been a lot simplier had I not had to experience every mistake and just listened.

he only get's like that when he drinks.. and i was only upset when he went out because i knew this was going to happen.. when i'm around i can atleast make sure he doesn't drink too much.. his friend later told me he didn't know that was why, not like that matters though..

last time it happened was around six months ago, he got far too drunk one night, didn't hurt me.. but was yelling like crazy.. it's almost like he's posessed.. i have the same problem, i've gone to anger management, it helped a little bit.. but when he gets in those moods it just triggers everything that has been bugging me and i go off on him, only making the situation worse.

we don't drink much, but when we do we never get angry.. UNLESS there's is something else bugging him.. this time it was the fact that i haven't been able to get a job.. he comes home and seems like he is in an ok mood, then all of the sudden he's in a bad mood the rest of the day.. after this weekend i went out and got a bunch more applications, went to the workforce center.. i just want to try and make this work before running off

i know it sounds like one of those lifetime show movies.. but it's much different.. my parents don't understand that i pretty much let it happen.. and they think if i stay here i'm just going to let it happen again.. i told him that if he ever does that again, i'm leaving the next morning... even after this time i wanted to just go home and get a divorce.. but i realized that's not going to help anything..

i talked to his dad, we mainly just talked about how he went through the same thing with his wife.. they got married at our age, and a couple times when he drank he just got angry and ended up hurting her... he ended up giving up drinking, they both made things better so there wouldn't be much to be angry about... and it had never happened again... of course he told me that if i left he would completely understand. after i talked to him he wanted to talk to robert, he pretty much told him i was the best thing that had happened to him, and if he keeps this up it'll be hard for them to forgive him.. i guess it's the usual father/son talk when something like this happens...

all i know right now is that i just want to try it out for a little while longer.. a month or so.. if things get better than i may decide to stay even longer.. but if things get worse, like i said, i'm leaving the next morning.

i honestly can't even handle this emotionally, especially because i'm 2 and a half years younger than him.. he just doesn't understand that moving out and having all these responsibilities is difficult for me..

he was in the military also, i was talking with my dad, who was in the military.. he was saying that he's probably just too stressed out and doesn't know who to take it out on, so he takes it out on the closest person who he knows won't just leave him..

it's so complicated... i'm sorry to bother you or anyone with this, but i'm so lost on how to feel and what to do

Ignited, I think you need to get some help. This is abuse. This is dangerous. Alcohol is often involved in spousal abuse. And even in spousal homocides. What's even scarier is that your husband was willing to push you and choke you in front of his friends. Usually, there is an inhibition that keeps the abuse secret.

So, here are some other thoughts.

Dr. Harley insists on safety first. That means you should not work on your marriage if you health is threatened. It may be best to work on your marriage from outside the home. As for his threat that you can't come back, think about it. He harms you, and he then threatens to divorce you if you leave the house? He's the one who did wrong! Also, that threat is typical of abusers.

Second thought. Dr. Bryn Collins, author of Emotional Unavailability, says that addicts cannot have a real relationship because their primary relationship is with the substance. Until they are sober, there is no way to work on the relationship with them.


Also, if you H is an addict, many Marriage Builder techniques will only make him WORSE!

Finally, if he harms you, what might he do to your children, should you have them?

Your H needs serious anger management therapy. HOWEVER, before you suggest that, please, please check with a Women's Shelter about the best way to handle it. Or with a counselor who specializes in working with abusers. I don't want your h to go out and get drunk and come home and beat the batblank out of you.

This is not complicated... This is an emergency, Get out now! immediatly.
Go home to your parents. You will feel safe and secure. You will wonder why you didn't do this in the first place. You will get less confused at that point. You will be able to think.
This will have another affect; it will make him think hard about what he has done and doing. It will clear his mind. This is good. He will make a choice while you are secure. He will decide to get help or he will decide to give up. If he is worth his salt, he will go get help and be the man you need in your life. If he is not, you don't want to be involved with him.

At that point you will undersatnd he is not the person you thought he was. Don't go back until he has showed you that he is 100%. Get the advice of your parents that he is 100%. They care about you and want what's best for you. Good luck. I will be praying for you about this.