I called my lawyer this morning & asked for my D to be post on hold. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I just don't feel ready in my heart even though my head is telling me that I am only prolonging the envitable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My stbxh has asked me to come to his apt., today after work, he actually wanted me to come yesterday to give him some items he left at the house.

He attempted to come by my home twice over the wknd. & I was not there so he feels I should come to his place now. I asked him if he wanted to see me & he said yes & also mentioned that we could end up making love if I come over. That is not a replusive thought to me but not a good idea either.

To back track to this past weekend, he was calling me, leaving messages all day on Sunday & when I did talk to him I lied & told him I went to Toronto to see my son & another man took me. Well he was NOT happy at all, the nerve right??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I told him I didn't stay overnite & did not have sex with this "man", y I was trying to put him at ease after starting this lie I don't know. So I think that is y he is desparately seeking me, plus we have not had SF since 12/7/04, he claims he has been with no one.

I was thinking that we could have "closure SF" if there is such a thing & I feel pretty confident that I could walk away & be ok. I know I can't live with him, not now & probably not ever, OW will always be in his life & I will 4ever have a stepdaughter, thanks to the two of them.

I can't tell my family I did this - they will freak - they r expecting me to be D by next week. My plan is to give the go ahead in May around our 9 yr. wedding anniversary, dates r important to me, I am just strange that way I guess.

Has anyone gone thru this or had these thoughts? I don't think I am gonna tell him I put it on hold & just see what he does.

What am I doing? - what have I done?????

Help!

Well, you woldn't have written here if you were certain doing this was a good move. What do you think is the right thing to do?

Oh, and "closure sex"? You deserve better than that.

If you aren't sure going over to his apartment this week is a good idea, you aren't obligated to do it. It doesn't seem very wise, or am I wrong?

Belle,

Thats just it, y can't I let this go????

I know it can't work
I don't want him home
The "closure sex" thing is me being selfish, taking care of my own needs, knowing he may think this is the start of us reconciling - he is still my H, lame I know.

I am fairly certain I will call my lawyer in May - (if not b4) to go ahead with the proceedings. I just don't want it to b over yet.

I wrote here cuz I needed to talk with people who r in the same boat so to speak, that I am & maybe some can relate.

Maybe I have really lost it, this doesnt make a bit of sense does it?

Well, I filed for Divorce in 9/03. Yes, 2003, not 2004. Make sure putting it on hold won't hurt you in court.

So, why do you think you want to put it on hold?

GB -

I know I have at least a yr. to put it on hold, I truly believe the "hold" pattern will not last anywhere near that long, by May or earlier it will be filed.

I can't really give a valid reason for putting the D on hold other than I am not ready - close but not ready. In my heart & head I am not ready for this to be final, although I hold out no hope that we can ever live under the same roof again as H & W, I just feel that I need to take this extra time to work thru all my feelings & be at a better place with H then I was when I put him out 3 weeks ago.

Being separated from his this time is sooooo different from the times before, yeah I miss & I still love him but I sleep so good at nite. I don't call him or try to see him - he is pursuing me - wow what a concept! I know I should be doing a Plan B but I am not really trying to save my marriage anymore so I just figured we woud be divorced & that would be that. Am I making any sense???

More than getting SF I guess I just feel the need to calmly talk to him about the state of our M & tell him I love him but I won't live like that with him ever again & if it takes D for ME to have peace of mind then so be it.

For me it is just about being civil, not having any dislike or bitterness in my heart toward him & eventually one day I hope to feel that way about OW also.

So I will do what I feel is right for ME now, oh how I love this feeling of control & the feeling that I now have my power back that I gave to him & OW, I really missed it! I missed ME!

If you are in the USA and you have 9 years under your belt and just put your D on hold - why not hold out until the 10 year mark - then you are entitled to use his (if he makes more $$) social security figures...use the "hold" to your benefit..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More than getting SF I guess I just feel the need to calmly talk to him about the state of our M & tell him I love him but I won't live like that with him ever again & if it takes D for ME to have peace of mind then so be it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He knows the "state" of your M - you won't be telling him anything you haven't said in the past.
I do TOTALLY understand the need to get it out calmly/rationally -but, aren't you really hoping he'll get on his knees and beg for forgiveness and a new start????

Did you file for D -b to Wake him up???

I'm not trying to hit you w/a 2X4 - but, IMHO it sounds like you deep down don't want to let go of the M. And hey, that's ok - it's YOUR decision - just face the truth of your feelings.

And if I'm wrong this - so be it - from what I've read here - even though I thought I was ready to file - you don't file to wake them up/scare them/etc. You do it because it's the best thing for YOU.

Good Luck in sorting thru your feelings towards your WH it's tough..We know what's good for us - but some of us are slower than others to reach the point of true no return...

Cyber Hugs

IH,

I make more $ than him so waiting 4 the 10 yr. mark won't help me financially.

I filed more than anything to get him out of my house since he wouldn't leave & that was the only legal way to get him out. Yeah there was a part of me that was hoping it would wake him up, that is y I let him stay in the house almost a month after he was served.

I know there is nothing I can say that would make him beg 4 forgiveness or be the man he used to be, he has to want to change & he doesn't right now. I plan to tell him that we tried & it just didn't work, wasn't meant to be & I am at peace with the decision I made & I am not harboring any feelings of bitterness or anger towards him. He is definitely slow & the fact that I filed & put him out & he is now on his own make have woke him up a bit, but we won't reconcile that I do know.

This "hold" is just 4 me to feel comfortable about the date the papers are filed, me using my control & power I guess. Do I still want my M to work, yes - even after all the hell I have endured with this man, but I have sense enough to know that its over, well a little sense I guess otherwise those papers would have been filed this week.

Thanks for the hugs & the reply.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I filed more than anything to get him out of my house since he wouldn't leave & that was the only legal way to get him out
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have requested that my WH leave - he won't - I didn't think anyone HAD to move out when the papers were only in the "filed" status..Did he just go on his own then?????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know there is nothing I can say that would make him beg 4 forgiveness or be the man he used to be, he has to want to change & he doesn't right now. I plan to tell him that we tried & it just didn't work, wasn't meant to be & I am at peace with the decision I made & I am not harboring any feelings of bitterness or anger towards him. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to write my WH a letter to say these things on Valentine's Day no less- since no matter when we actually try to talk it gets out of control- screaming breaks out and it's all smoke & Mirrors. I wanted to say these things for a long time - he wouldn't listen - so I wrote it down for him..I still don't think he "heard" me..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This "hold" is just 4 me to feel comfortable about the date the papers are filed, me using my control & power I guess. Do I still want my M to work, yes - even after all the hell I have endured with this man, but I have sense enough to know that its over, well a little sense I guess otherwise those papers would have been filed this week. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know what you are feeling - I have those same feelings - I think it goes back to the actual letting go and finalizing the decision. I wonder though IF he did come back could you truly accept all the hurt/damage he has done to YOU & YOUR M??

I thought for over a year that I could accept him back IF he tried - he hasn't - but, now I'm getting to the point of knowing that I'll NEVER be able to truly forgive/forget the way he treated me during his A's...I'd love to say I wont have hard feelings but I will - becoz NEVER IN MY LIFE have I been treated w/such disrespect, and just been treated so down right meanly..I have been used by this man over and over. He used me becoz he knows it's who I am, - he used my good heart/easy nature against me.

I will not be able to forgive these many MOW/OW for stepping into my life or for selling themselves short, for outright lying to me when I confronted them..for trusting a man who used them.
I don't hate them - but they aren't going to my friends either. I almost feel sorry for them - they stepped in a trap and since he's soooo smooth they can't easily get out..They get hurt in many ways.

THe line that I'll feel so much better if and when I forgive - doesn't ring true for me..I won't continue to dwell on my feelings for these people - and allow it to coz me more pain - but, what they have done will never leave me either.

IH,

I am sorry I haven't read all your posts. If u don't mind me asking r u in the process of going thru a D? How long were u M? How long has he not been with u? Do u have any kids together?

I know there is so much hurt cuz of my H's A, not to mention the baby he created. I have accepted my part in what brought us to this point but NOTHING I did warranted his behaviour & treatment of me over the last 4 yrs. That is what I tell him all the time - the A is bad enough we could have gotten past that I truly believe, but once there is a child involved how can u have no contact w/ OW? I mean it could be done with a 3rd party involved but he wouldn't hear of it.

He says he tried, but he didn't - not hard anyway. He never truly fought for me or for us. I truly beleive he wants it all - me, the M, unlimted access to OC & to stay in OW's life -to help her cuz she is so needy & helpless - at least that is the game she plays with him. I let him have that for the last 2.5 years & he got real comfy living that life. It has come to an end now though. I have pretty much accepted the fact that will never live togethter again as H & W since I can't deal with the things were done to me either, or the fact that this OW would be in my life as long as that baby lives in some form or fashion.

When I don't boderline hate OW, I feel sorry for her too, cuz any woman that is that desparate to hold on to a man - a married man at that is truly sad & pitiful. It is the oldest trick in the book & how often does it work. I feel sorry for her 2 boys & for my STBXSD, they deserve better for a mother. Especially that baby that she uses as a pawn to keep my H in line. Has from the day she was born.

I hope u find peace with letting go, it is so hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry I haven't read all your posts. If u don't mind me asking r u in the process of going thru a D? How long were u M? How long has he not been with u? Do u have any kids together?

Neither of us has filed - though, 1 of us needs to get the ball rolling. The #1 reason I never filed - was I still had/have love in my heart for him.

Married 10 years, No children together - he has 2 grown (though the issues just get bigger).. from a previous, me zero.
Let me add - I was a WS - he was single - I left my BS to be w/him..Don't hit me..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know there is so much hurt cuz of my H's A, not to mention the baby he created. I have accepted my part in what brought us to this point but NOTHING I did warranted his behaviour & treatment of me over the last 4 yrs. That is what I tell him all the time - the A is bad enough we could have gotten past that I truly believe, but once there is a child involved how can u have no contact w/ OW? I mean it could be done with a 3rd party involved but he wouldn't hear of it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are 100% correct - nothing should coz a spouse to become so disrespectful emotionally and physically. If they are so miserable married to us - then they should end it w/dignity.

My WH led me to believe everything was fine..Till I caught him..I knew something was wrong..He screwed up he became blatant w/his A's..I believe he had many in the past but hid them very well. Played the part of the loving husband..He hated my getting wise to him..That's when his behavious became out of control. Drinking, women, lies, etc. He changed dramatically..

I'm glad he was "fixed" or I can bet - I'd be in the same boat as you..Though, there would probably be 10 women/babies..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly beleive he wants it all - me, the M, unlimted access to OC & to stay in OW's life -to help her cuz she is so needy & helpless </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Certainly, he wants it all..He doesn't want to make a choice. He wants the easy way - by you filing it's still easy on him. He has someone else good/bad/ugly waiting for him. He'll just take whatever he's dealt and live w/it. He's not going to fight for his M that's too much work. He'll have to do too much to make it work - he'll have to change into the type of man you want and again that's work..That's looking in the mirror and seeing/acknowledging his mistakes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I don't boderline hate OW, I feel sorry for her too, cuz any woman that is that desparate to hold on to a man - a married man at that is truly sad & pitiful. It is the oldest trick in the book & how often does it work. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your WH is weak/desparate too - and he was played as a fool - he just doesn't see it yet..He didn't have to have an A he could have said NO..

Funny, I wished my WH in my Valentine - Peace in his Heart and Love - like your favorite old pair of shoes, One you will never throw away and the first pair that you grab for. The comfortable type of love.. Knowing he's a serial cheat and that true deep love w/forever elude him if he continues his pattern w/women...

Hugs

Hey - B,

How are you? i have ben reading your posts this morning. I m sorry that I did not see them earlier. I know that you are struggling with this whole D thing, but (not repeating you earlier)is this really about the dates or are you not sure about the whole thing. I know I'v e have been there!! I have postponed my D on two occasions, and I must say I have gained nothing by doing it. i have only held up the inevitable.

My H has had those opportunities to change our situation, and he has not it yet!! Of course he talks a good talk, but walks the same old WALK!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I had to come to the place where eventhough it is tough to leave the M, I have decided that my peace of mind, peaceful living, and desires and wants must now come first. I had to learn that he could not make me happy - I had to do that on my own! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All the time in the world was not going to change him and I realized that now. In reading my daily inspirational devotions I came across a passage that said something like: It is not your task to change and individual, but the task is to change yourself into the person you desire to be!

That was profound to me, because all this time I keep wanting my H to change and now I realize that I had to change myself. In changing myself I have come to know that I want to be loving, kind, respectful, generous, and most of all faithful in all that I do! I want to give these things continuously of myself and I want and expect them in return. My H does not have these things to give me and I now accept that and am willing to move on without him.

That doesn't mean that I love him any less nor does it mean that it doesn't hurt any less, but if I don't make a move I as well as YOU will remain stagnant in this hell on earth. (they have put us in)

B - I agree with IH, I refuse to continue to accept being disrespected, hurt and I probably would never really let this thing go (OW/OC)so I must give my exit and bid them all FAREWELL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope you really search within yourself to figure out why you want to postpone the D. Because if you are meant to be (Accoring to the WORD)you will be. He'll either come back to you or you will recieve the person you are truly suppose to be with. You must at some point step out on FAITH and wait to see what GOD has for you. I promise it has to be better than what you live in NOW!!

I love ya, and miss ya much!!!
JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neither of us has filed - though, 1 of us needs to get the ball rolling. The #1 reason I never filed - was I still had/have love in my heart for him.

Married 10 years, No children together - he has 2 grown (though the issues just get bigger).. from a previous, me zero.
Let me add - I was a WS - he was single - I left my BS to be w/him..Don't hit me..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am the last person to judge - I didn't behave so squeaky clean during my first separation from H. We r all human & make mistakes.

So I see we have something in common as far as sharing no ties with our H's since there r no children - doesn't make it easier to walk away though does it.

My family is overjoyed that I put him out & filed, never understood how I could want to continue a M w/ a man who not only cheated on me but had unprotected sex & produced a child. It is not for them to understand - just like me putting it on hold which I won't tell them unless I have too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You are 100% correct - nothing should coz a spouse to become so disrespectful emotionally and physically. If they are so miserable married to us - then they should end it w/dignity.

My WH led me to believe everything was fine..Till I caught him..I knew something was wrong..He screwed up he became blatant w/his A's..I believe he had many in the past but hid them very well. Played the part of the loving husband..He hated my getting wise to him..That's when his behavious became out of control. Drinking, women, lies, etc. He changed dramatically..

I'm glad he was "fixed" or I can bet - I'd be in the same boat as you..Though, there would probably be 10 women/babies..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H's story was that he was feeling empty cuz he was not a father & felt he couldn't talk to me about it. I was actually going to have my tubes untied to try & give H a baby at his request - all the while he was having the A, told her what WE were planning to do & guess what - she pops up pg! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Nothing at all excuses having an A - NOTHING. We promised each other when we got married that if the time ever came for each of us that we felt attracted to someone else we would tell the other, guess that was real naive on my part huh?


[/QUOTE] Your WH is weak/desparate too - and he was played as a fool - he just doesn't see it yet..He didn't have to have an A he could have said NO..

Funny, I wished my WH in my Valentine - Peace in his Heart and Love - like your favorite old pair of shoes, One you will never throw away and the first pair that you grab for. The comfortable type of love.. Knowing he's a serial cheat and that true deep love w/forever elude him if he continues his pattern w/women...[QUOTE]

Hugs
Nope he doesn't see how she is playing him, it is like he wear blinders when it comes to her. Still can't see that she did everything in her power & used that baby to break us up once he came home. It is really really sad that they can't see what is right in front of the faces.

I know my H needs to grow up, I think maybe he is scared now that we are going to be divorced & he may not see me anymore so now he is desparately seeking me, but it is too late. I am going to see him tonite to give him his stuff - not sure what will or won't happen but bottom line is he won't be my H much longer. He showed me in pretty much everyway he knew how that he wanted to be free, even though he says he didn't & doesnt want to be now. So he gets his freedom & I get some much needed peace.

Hugs to u too.

Honey - Sometimes the BEST thing we can do for those we love that are blinded is to LET THEM GO...They want freedom - GIVE IT THEM..

BECAUSE IT FREES US TOO....

When he comes over tonite - look at him, I mean really look - I bet you don't see that man you fell in love with..Maybe deep inside him he still has a place for you in his heart - but, he is blinded and brainwashed by OW..You have no control over that..and that hurts too.

Try to remember that he let this happen..it was his choice and he must live now with your choice. To be the best person you can be, to move on w/your life.

Be thankful that you never had children that were uprooted thru this ordeal. My WH still has a tie to his XW becoz of his children. WE will never have to see each other again, and that will be a good thing.

My WH one MOW works for us..it's tough I have to see this B(%^& everyday - she's on my payroll too..which is not fair. She tries to rub my nose in their A..She doesn't get that she's one of many - she's no more "special" than the others. She just happens to work for us and it was an easy score for him. There are days her voice/seeing her grates me since I know they still have an emotional attachementment - other days I can look at her and laugh - because she's stupid for falling for a "player"..and yes, I'm stupid too for thinking for so long that he can change..

IMHO - I don't think you should persue SF w/him..Let him miss you (if he can) Let him realize he no longer has the power to please you -that's not what you want from him - what you want - he cannot give...no different than my WH..

You will heal - we all will heal...and we will never allow this to happen to us again..We are smarter now..

Yeah I am kinda feeling right now that once I get there (seeing him in his new apt.) any sexual feelings will disappear. SF would not be a good idea I know, I should b doing a plan b, there is still so much hurt & pain. Not having any kids should make this so much easier to let go & I was doing good til he started calling me last week & then I discovered some of his things at the house & we have been trying to get together since then.

How do u look at one of the OW everyday, gosh that must be so hard, guess there is not much u can do about though. Do u & your H still live together?

Well I am leaving work soon, I will pray for u, to find the strength to do what u need to do for U. These selfish men do it all the time, so it is our turn now.

B,

I wish much happiness for you, and I agree 110% with all that ItHurts said in her above post.
Take care of you!!!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do u look at one of the OW everyday, gosh that must be so hard, guess there is not much u can do about though. Do u & your H still live together?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's VERY difficult - there are days I'd just like to grab her and throw the tramp out the door. FIRE HER...She chased him - and since he's soo weak to begin w/ it wasn't much of a chase. She struts around like she's the one that owns our business - because she's been sleeping w/ 1/2 of the ownership.
Then there are days I look at her and laugh - she thinks I'm a fool, that she got over on me..No honey, you are a fool too..He was sleeping w/2other MOW WHILE he was w/you..hahahha At least I know of all these MOW/OW..She thought she was special...I CHOOSE to throw him out of our bed, I choose NO SF w/him...

I also realize that if I could fire her - she wouldn't be GONE...Women like her and Men like my WH don't end it that easy..They stay in touch forever..He has "friends" he's had for years..he keeps them in his pocket when all else fails..He's got a system/pattern and hey, it works for him because there are "desparate women" out there..


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These selfish men do it all the time, so it is our turn now. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, they are selfish w/emotions/committments. I have had a few men interested - BUT, I'm not going to lower my standards/morals just becoz my WH did. Yes, if someone asks to met for a drink - I'm going to go because I've had enough..I deserve a social life too..I shouldn't have to sit home pinning for my WH..Those days are long gone..

We still live together but haven't done anything together in months..He comes and goes as he pleases...I do nothing for him..no laundry, cooking, etc.
Though, this week he stayed home alot more than usual..he heard I have a BF..Which is not true..I did met someone that I've talked to but he is definately not my BF nor will he ever be - just a nice man to talk to that's it..Maybe WH is worried I'll have an A..and I'll make an A$$ out of him like he did me..

Well, tell us what happended when you went to his apt????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These selfish men do it all the time, so it is our turn now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I only meant being selfish as far as having SF with our H's to satisfy our own needs -- not having A.

Well here's what happened....
I went over to his apt. to drop off his stuff, of course he asked me to come in. The first thing I noticed of course was the stereo that he packed up in July 2002 when I put him out on DDay. He took it with him to OW's apt. & I had not seen it since - almost 3 yrs.!!!!! I had asked y he didn't bring it home numerous times only to be told a lie everytime, well that pretty much did it for me as far as having SF went oh & the big screen tv was in his apt that he purchased while living with her too but never brought home. I then asked him about the stereo for the hell of it & he once again lied - telling me it was in storage - yeah right! He claims he didn't bring the stereo home cuz we were fighting too much, it seems very insignificant to him of course but it just says to me once again that he never gave us a chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well the apt. was pretty sad looking, he had the 3 items I let him take from my house, the stereo case, the futon & the armoir (sp). in that big ol' empty 2 bdrm. apt. I only stayed an hr. was ready to go after 5 min,. we struggled to make converstation & I sat there thinking this is what it has come too, after almost 12 years we have nothing to say to each other???? I was pissed about the fact that he was still lying to me about things concerning OW & I know as I have for sometime now that it won't ever stop. He still refuses to own up to his past mistakes & wants to protect her. I felt much sadness also just sitting there thinking that he lived in a house, a home & now he was living in an empty, cold, & lonely apt. alone - by HIS choice though.

So he calls me on Sat. nite & I asked him y he acted so distant & not like he missed me at all like he said he did, his reply was that "this is going to be a slow process", - what process?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> So I called him yesterday & asked if he would like to meet me at the movie theater & he did, so I then asked him about "this process" he was talking about, he starts telling me that he was talking about us getting back together & how we needed to be apart for longer than 8 months this time before he returned home - I immediately told him I don't want him home!!!! So he talked about how lots of things have to change & I asked him didn't he feel disconnected when we saw each other & I asked if he still loved me after everything that has happened - his response was that he does & he will always love me but that doesn't mean he will come home even in a year when his lease is up, - oh I am soooooo crushed. Duh - read my lips I DON"T WANT U HOME! He told me he does want to talk everday, be friendly & take one day at a time, but he did feel somewhat disconnected. I don't even remember half of the stuff he was saying cuz it was nonsense.

I did tell him that my head says its over & there is no coming back from all the damage thats been done but my heart says don't let go yet, he claims he kinda feels the same way, & even if we get divorced we can always get re-married, that piece of paper will mean nothing to him I guess. - WHATEVER!!!

It doesn't take a genius to figure this out does it?! He wants to keep me "on hold, available to him & once again holding on to hope that our M will be restored & he will come home" - Meanwhile he is looking for the next tramp to come along to have "fun" with - afterall always remember & never forget - I PUT HIM OUT so that is his excuse to act like a single man, but God forbid I even ride to Toronto with a male friend (which never happened) - he's all pissy about it.

Anyhoo, I assume he will call me tonite, I won't answer, if he wants to play games, I say let's play unitl I get tired by May or sooner I will be & I will call my lawyer with the "go ahead" & that will be that. I am glad I didn't have SF with him, he made it real easy for me not to thats for sure.

W2E (JT)

I missed your post on Friday - sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H does not have these things to give me and I now accept that and am willing to move on without him.

That doesn't mean that I love him any less nor does it mean that it doesn't hurt any less, but if I don't make a move I as well as YOU will remain stagnant in this hell on earth. (they have put us in)

B - I agree with IH, I refuse to continue to accept being disrespected, hurt and I probably would never really let this thing go (OW/OC)so I must give my exit and bid them all FAREWELL!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with u both, at the time I put the D on hold #2 I guess I was mostly thinking of being intimate with him again & wanting to NOT sin kwim? Of course I was still holding out a glimmer of hope that we could work this out. I knew the papers would be filed any day & didn't want that to happen b4 I saw him. Well now I know that this man is not about to change, he has no desire to, if anything he has gotten arrogant & feels that he still has his hooks in me & can continue to play the same game he played while living with me only take it up a notch or two since I am not there to see his comings & goings - NOT.

I may still wait til May for my own kooky "time of death" reason or I may call my lawyer anyday now. Bottom line I am glad I went to his apt. & spent time with him yesterday talking - I see his head is still up his u know what & I won't put my life on hold anymore waiting for him to come around. At this point I have to believe this is NOT what God wants for my life & move on alone.

Well never truly alone cuz HE is always with me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S.
Miss u 2 girl!

I spent some time on Sunday nite & Monday evening thinking really hard about seeing & talking to STBXH - especially the conversation we had on Sunday about a possible future reconcilliation (sp) & I got upset, his arrogance, his denial, his lack of ownership of the mistakes he has made, the lies he still tells me plus the fact that he didn't call me Monday nite FINALLY made me realize that I have to end this. I cried a bit which I haven't done in a long time over the fact that this is really gonna happen & I am going to be single again & totally alone in my house, but I know this is right decision for me.

So I called my lawyer yesterday morning & told him to file the papers this week. I hope to be divorced by the middle of the month if not sooner. There will be no hold the divorce #3!

Just that fast I saw that I was almost pulled back in, it bothered me that he didn't call me Monday, even though I said I was not gonna answer, he didn't call yesterday either - BUT I know he will & at that time I will tell him not to call me anymore, going to plan B,- there is no reason not to, we share a Godchild but he has made no real effort to be in her life since his precious daughter was born so doubt I will see him at all regarding her. I may even write him a plan B letter of sorts just to let him know & ignore any phone calls I may get in the meantime.

I had a counseling session yesterday & plan to have them on a bi-weekly basis for awhile, I need to figure out what B wants or should I say what God wants B to do now. Whatever it is I know it won't include my STBXH & while sad about that I am looking forward to a much brighter future, full of joy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

B, I think you made a wonderful decision.

Sometimes, we need to weed our lives the way we weed our garden, taking special care to pull up the invasive, domineering plant that will destroy all the beauty we've worked so hard on.