I was involved in what is described by Harley in "Surviving and Affair" as a "soul-mate affair". Plans were being discussed for us to leave each of our spouses when the affair was discovered several months ago (I am a married woman and he is a married man). In wrestling with what to do, we began speaking by phone and, despite our desires, discussions had begun moving towards ending the relationship. Unfortunately, the relationship was ended abruptly and rather creuly when it was discovered that we were again having contact (even though latter conversations were reluctantly moving towards ending the relationship). I felt I needed closure to unresolved items and, through my counselor (who has lead "His Need, Her Needs" programs at my former church) a request was made for me to write him a letter. The request was refused. The hurt that I feel is so overwhelming that I feel I cannot even see the good in the fact that the relationship ended -- I can only focus on the hurt and wonder why I (and my ability to recover from this) could become so insignificant and worthless to someone who wanted me to be his wife. The subject of grief of "the other infidel" is not addressed anywhere that I can find. I know I cannot (and I will not) commit to working on my marriage until I get over this, and I don't know what to do. I am struggling spiritually as well. My husband and I have now separated because he thinks I need to "grow up and make a decision to move on" and because I do not feel remorse for the relationship. I am hurting deeply, I am angry, and yet I still long for the relationship. Despite my deep hurt, I feel as though no one thinks my hurt is justifiable or that I even have a right to hurt. No one wants to hear about it. They only want to hear that I want to work on my marriage. I honestly believe that is what I want, but I can't get there. Can you offer any suggestions or reading materials that would help?

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: DebP ]</small>

DebP,

Yes, I would like to recommend that you read SAA again. You see a lot of attention is devoted to the fact that the feels that the WS has for the OP are real. So real in fact that a No Contact letter is strongly encouraged. Why? Well, it isn't to hurt the WS, but it is the realization that these feelings are real and future contact can reignite them.

Then go read again about the Withdrawal aspects of an affair. That is where you are. Again, your feelings are acknowledged, and the process that you are going through is understood in great detail. However, knowing what you are going through doesn't really help the BS feel much better when you have no remorse for what you and the OP did to two families. I realize you want to be comforted, and allowed to do it YOUR way. But, the sad but true fact is that YOUR way may well destroy two families and affect any children involved for the rest of their lives. YOU cannot be trusted at this point, so you are being pushed to do the "right" thing.

Of course no can make you do it that way, and it may come to pass that if you take your sweet time, you will not get the chance to rebuild your marriage.

One, last thing. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel as though no one thinks my hurt is justifiable or that I even have a right to hurt. No one wants to hear about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who would no one be?? Your H, the OM's W, the counselors in your church? Who? Have you considered the hurt your H has gone through as justifiable? He deserved this hurt?

The reality is that Withdrawal is a true part of the process and you are in the middle of it. But knowing what you are going through doesn't mean that every one else drops their pain and rushes to your aid. If you post in the infidelity section of this site under General Questions you will get many responses. THe BS's won't be necessarily all that understanding but there are many former WS's there that will understand your pain and do their best to help you through it.

It is real, it is common, it is no fun, but it is hard for many to feel sorry for you, given what you have chosen to do. It doesn't mean however that anyone enjoys your pain, or would wish it on anyone.

I personally would recommend that you read the section on withdrawal in SAA and on this site. IN the articles by Harley.

Hope this helps some and do hang in there. It will get better.

God Bless,

JL

I understand you are very hurt and your life seems at a halt right now. Have you read the book of Hosea in the Bible? This may pertain and help.
You bonded with this man. You fell in love with him. You are going to hurt for awhile-how long is in your power.
Sometimes people have to become angry before they let go. This man gave a part of himself to you. He led you to believe you would become his wife and spend his life with you.

This happened and it was real.

There is a stonger reality here. In order to give something to someone it has first be yours to give.
I would really like to own a Porche. If I want it to be mine, I need to to pay the agreed amount and the owner needs to sign over the title to MY NAME.
I could take it for a test drive and love the feeling of driving it soooo much-that I just keep going. Into the mountains, the wind in my hair until in the rearview mirror, there a flashing lights. I could pull over, but why? I am not speeding or doing anything wrong. The cop must be after someone else. I keep driving as it is definately not my problem. The sterio in it is great!! The seat is SOOO comfortable! I feel SOOO good in this car!! I LOVE the sound of its engine.It IS mine!!
Suddenly their is a police barricade in the road ahead! I realize that the speedometer says 110 MPR! If I can't stop, the car I love will be smashed and I could lose my life-WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO STOP ME ?? I am not hurting ANYONE!! Stange little metaphor. I've almost bought a Porche once.
He couldn't give the part of him that belonged to his wife-his commitment. If he really loved you he would be with you. For most people, infidelity is fantasy, lust, fun. When it came down to losing his wife -he couldn't. His love and commitment was and is with her.
Right now, you are the last one at the party. You can stay alone and drink some more and hope that some one comes back-but it's really late- or you can leave and go home.
How many affairs do you know to have happy endings?? Why is yours significant??
Do you really KNOW-NOT FEEL that you leaving your vows and family and him leaving his vows and family would have been worth all of the mess that you left behind??? God is soverign. He created marriage and be glad that he chastises those he loves. He does not want this sort of behavior of his covenants.
If I just told you what you wanted to hear, I could be helping you to stay where you are at- feeling seperated from God, your husband and lost.You could lose what you can still salvage. Stop yourself from reliving what you "thought " was real and look at what "is real NOW" and learn from it. So many times good people in our lives that can bring us true happiness, are overlooked until its too late.
I have never learned that much from my pleasurable experiences. Just enjoyed them. The times of real saddness I
I have gained the most wisdom.