Hey guys. I am back after a long period w/out communicating here. If someone could please shoot straight with me on this one. I am not sure if any of my previous posts are familiar with any of you... maybe TMCman - he helped me a lot back when, or GGables - whose replys were always enlightening. But anyway. Dday on July 9-2004. I groveled a lot in the beginning. Have made a good recovery for the most part. Am strong and standing on my own again. New guys appears from somewhere - there is interest on both parts. We go out a few times. Slept together maybe too quickly. Have spent some good time together - I still like my space. New guys calls every night.. which I think I could do without. But now I am getting attached. I told new guy I don't want this relationship to be on the rebound, blah blha.. so... now - Ex and I had screwed up arrangement before new guy that we would be "detached" from one another but offer intimacy for each other until either of us met or began to date another person. My heart/head agreed to this plan all the while thinking that if I were just to NOT BE CLINGY and NEED to my EX... maybe we could re unite. If I just gave without expecting anything in return. So that went on for a few months. Now - new guys shows up - I tell ex "I don't think it's agood idea for us to see each other any more - I can only operate one track at a time". He seems delighted for my newfound possible person to date. Then he drops the bombshell. "I still love you and dont' want to loose you". I told him to go to couseling and see if it is just "i don't want you but I don't want new guy to have you etiehr" - he says - no it was the kick in the rear he needed to get him to see that I am the one for him and that he loves me. I am not falling for it whole heartedly - but am falling just the same. I gave this man pretty much all I had to give. So - Please - someone - comment - thanks. SS

Sally, I don't remember your story. I'm assuming you're separated. What was the reason? Was there an OP (prior to new boyfriend)? Have either you or your H filed for divorce? What do you want?

he says - no it was the kick in the rear he needed to get him to see that I am the one for him and that he loves me.


I have seen this more times than I can count. I say it to people again and again that it isn't your Plan A or Plan B that brings them back, it is when they FEEL and BELIEVE that you have let go, and are moving on without them, and may have someone else in the picture, that they come back. They not only come back, but the come back
STRONG and WILLING and usually have no withdrawal.

This is a good lesson for others if they could see the reality of what moving on does to the dynamics of the relationship.... Don't give up you power too soon. Make him show you what would be different if you got back together. Crisis is what makes people change, not Plan A or Plan B. Crisis is what will motivate him to do what he should have done from the beginning.

Thanks for responding. Divorce was final on July 9th 04. 6 years together. Many problems in the last year. Stepdaughter with anorexia/bulima, etc.. cast havoc on everyone. Tensions tight most of the time. He had to make the choice of daughter or wife. I understand the choice. I am glad to be out of the house of drama actually. I do miss him so much. I had to move out, left the farm house where we lived and moved on with my life. There were no other players in the divorce. I have watched his life be completely consumed by his daughters illness. But anyway - I guess I am asking this: What is your take on the situation - honest answer - "all the time I was trying to give ex space, I still loved him, still do, yet I have managed to detach somewhat from the emotion. It is just now that I inform him that I don't think I can see him the way we were "seeing" each other (sleeping together for convien.), he now appears to say - he doesn't want to lose me." I don't know - maybe I am answering my own question - since I can't really clearly state what my question is. I suppose my brain is muddled right now. I do not want to hurt anyone. But now - ex is saying I want to see you this weekend if possible, and new guy is asking for me to spend a day (and possible night) with him. I am not sure I have an emotional involvement either place. I am sorry to ramble - I just dont' know what I am asking - or what I am saying. I just feel like I am in a center ring with everyone waiting on the edges of their seats peering at me with "what are you going to do now" looks on their faces.... "who are you going to pick" - "it's your ball". I never wanted the ball to begin with. Should I just put the ball down and walk out with just me?
ss

I don't know your previous story but from what I gather now, the two of you are still in love. It is very hard to be in a blended familly so if you decided to move because he chose his dd and her illness over you, did you have to divorce ? Could you not still be in monogamous (sp)but living in 2 separate places?

Marie

Thanks Marie. I suggested that. I suggested a seperation, lets just live apart. LIke I said I pleaded so hard. Seemed like the more I pleaded the more detached he became. We lived in the same house for months after he told me he wanted to divorce. He made his decision in Feb 04 - It took until May 04 to find an affordable house for me to move into. So those months were really hard to live with him and see him everyday as he passed me in the same house without a word. No answers - nothing. I would tiptoe to his room and whisper I love you into the darkness many nights. So at this point I realize we could not live under the same roof due to his children situation. his Daughter is 21 and is supposed to be going into ANOTHER treatment program. I will not hold my breath. But for him - I hope it works - he has NO life with her calling all the shots. He is enabling her still. That is and was a big problem. But yes - we DO still love each other. The new guy has called me twice already today - asking if he can come by my house on his way home from out of town. I know he feels I am dodging him and perhaps even sees this coming - me saying - too much too soon. But seriously I think it is too much too soon. It would be fine and dandy if we could all just do what we want and groove on down the road. My gut tells me I need to know ME before I try to let anyone else know me.
I truly love this place MB - it is great to have you all to sound off with.
Thanks to you all for your posts.
ss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He had to make the choice of daughter or wife. I understand the choice. I am glad to be out of the house of drama actually. I do miss him so much. I had to move out, left the farm house where we lived and moved on with my life. There were no other players in the divorce. I have watched his life be completely consumed by his daughters illness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i think you are not at all ready for a serious relationship. . .

I think you don't have enough information on understanding that BOTH your X and SS are not quality marriage material, and never will be.

I think that you need to start just experiencing life with an introduction of "Hi, I drove my ex H crazy to mental illness. What's your name?" although the humor a cover for the seriousness of why you want to go back when you say you are glad to be out and you are watching them be very dysfunctional???

sounds like you need to work on your independence, and your self confidence, not your interest in emotional drama. . .

so ask yourself, why are you attracted to emotional drama? what does it remind you of? what good feelings do you get from it that you want to go back??

wiftty

I appreciate your input. Not sure I understand it all. Does it sound like I drove my ex crazy? I hope not...Drama? yes. Lately it seems that my world is surrounded in drama. Subconsciencely (sp) maybe I do need drama, I know I don't want it though.
The new guy and I talked tonight - We have decided to not date. I feel as if I need to get myself together before I can jump in that type of water again. I feel sad by ending what could have been a good future. But that is where I have screwed up in the past, jumping before I look. In my mind I have rationalized that this time I need is for me, not for me to decide who to be with or whatever, but just for me to stand on my own as a strong and independent woman. I have 60 days clean and serene and am thinking with a different brain now. Maybe the advise I was seeking was if it was unusual or common for an ex to come back around when they find out you actually are moving on with your life. My ex and I had a long talk on Monday night. It was the first time in a year or two he had been willing to talk beneath the surface stuff. He listened and I read a few excerpts from my journal I was keeping when we still lived in the house together and he had already made his mind up to end the marriage. It was the first time since the divorce that I was able to let him know what was happening from my point of view. It felt good to have him recognize the oddness and difficultly that went along with that period of time. My feelings are mixed about the whole thing now. I mean, I feel so sorry for him in the struggles he faces daily with the daughter. My heart hurts too at the knowledge that he has "discovered" he loves me. So tonight was difficult to cut ties with the new guy - he was stable and together without baggage. So - wiftty - you appear to have been on this board for a long time. I gladly and readily accept any words of wisdom you may have to offer.
I don't think I am ready for a committed relationship right now either - but do you think from my post I am not marriage material - - is that now or ever?
Thanks for the help.
SS

being here along time only means that i have seen alot.

the fact that your tag line says that you have three failed marriages means that your method of selection is very flawed.

I don't know enough about your history, but i do know that from the little that i do read, you are a high risk for a long term marriage.

why? due to you past choices. something about your past choices means that you haven't learned how to make good choices, or even if you should make any choice at all, which is a choice.

i suggest living life to be independent and to explore why your track record APPEARS dismal, what you have learned about your choices, and what you find attractive and what you over look.

its all about you and your choices, some good, hard individual counseling would help you come to understand why your choices were so poor.

wiftty

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

Sally

Congrats on being clean right now. Was it alcohol or something else? Just curious. Addiction is a very hard demon to conquer. Are you attended any kind of counseling for the addiction? Getting a strong support system will make your transition to a clean life much easier.

I agree that you need some time to sort yourself out. I wouldn't make any big decisions about your ex right now. JMHO

Seems like I tend to live in the moment. I know I want to be independent and stand strong. I was addicted to garbage... anything I could conjure up from anywhere. It was kept pretty quite to the outside world - but inside me it was killing me and tearing me apart. Not worth it at all. Was an extremely proud moment to get the orange tag! Anyway - I do have a pretty shty track record. There are some under lying problems there and for the most part, I am aware of a few of them. I have to come to see that I am the only one that can either allow or stop the drama in my world. In moments of great clarity I see myself being okay in being alone again. And this whole recent thing with the new guy and dating and the ex coming back and saying I still love you - - it has been a mind twirl, but I am the only one that can deal iwth it in my life. I choose how to react...I know taht. So - I have officially said to the new guy - I am not ready to be in a relationship going in this direction. - That's good I think. It is a tad painful, but only for selfish reasons. Then there is the ex. We talked last night - I told him that there is a definite STOPPING point in our relationship, that I knew he came back because he could not stand to think of me iwth another - but that I knew he did not love me enough to work at rebulding our relationship. I think you guys are right - I think I know this in my heart - I need to know myself. Find out all of the deeper things inside.
ss