Although I am not divorced or divorcing at moment, I figured this would be the best place to post this.
I have a non specific question/problem and would love to hear comments from anyone that either can relate or is/was in same position at some point in life.
I have been married 20 years with 3 kids. We have the typical stresses that go with marriage but I can not say wife is bad in anyway. She loves me very much, great mom, etc. Not to say there are not problems.

So whats the problem? I just do not feel in love anymore.
Not to sound rude or anything.....meaning, wasnt really looking for suggestions like.....go out on more dates, etc to try and rekindle love. Although, that might be the real answer but what I was really looking for was comments from anyone who has found them in this situation. What did they end up doing....staying married? , etc.......if divorced, did they find they made mistake, etc.

If anyone can relate to what I am saying I would appreaciate hearing any responses.

Thanks

Tim, I think you need to go back and read the information on this website. Most of us are here because of infidelity and your situation is what led to the infidelity in the first place. Both those who had affairs and those who were betrayed often regret the affair. But, many people following the MB principles - obviously not many of us here on the Divorcing/Divorced forum - have recovered their marriages by rekindling the romantic feelings they once felt.

Read about emotional needs (EN's), love busters (LB's), and the concept of giver and taker, the love bank, and the policy of joint agreement. Do it before it's too late.

What do you consider "not feeling in love"?

WHat does that mean to you on a personal level. IN otherwords, what is now missing? Has there been a change in intimacy, or stress, or anything like that?

Or just all of sudden, one night, you're oozy ootzy gushiness, and the next morning, nada?

LetStry -

I have read website, I have visited EN section. Why would it not be for someone in my position??? It is only for people on "your" side of the fence?? Or, since most people are here for reasons of infidelity then therefore I am not in right place??? I did realize from reading many of the posts that it may be hard to find someone who can relate to what I am asking because they are typically the ones being left or cheated on, etc. I guess I just do not understand your point that this website is only for the people that were cheated on. And believe me, it is not "fun" to have these feelings. If I could take a pill to do away with my feelings I would!

I am trying not to cheat. I am trying to prevent Divorce. Feelings are just as confusing on my side of fence too.

Jaye: Thanks for response. It was not overnight. It was over many years. Not getting my EN's met, and realizing that we are very different, from sense of humor to many other areas. And of course the stress of raising three kids, work , etc. Also, I married young, was naive, and had no idea of what characteristics I like in a woman. Now that I am older I know and realize how different we are.

I guess I may be in the wrong place because of what LetStry mentioned. It would take someone who is or were on my side of fence that could relate to what I have tried to explain.

But thanks anyway.

tim0107.... have you told HER how you feel?

I too was married for 20 years and felt the SAME way that you did. I did talk to him, but he didn't feel that anything had changed. He refused to do anything about it. I went to marriage counselling with him for TWO sessions, the second one he turned to the counsellor and told her she was an F------ B----, and walked out the door. I continued to go. I WANTED to keep my marraige intact, but it was getting worse and worse.

You know yourself -- or you need to know yourself. You don't want suggestions as to what to do (i.e go on a date, make dinner together, etc.) so you need to really pinpoint what it is that is going to make you feel loved. That something, whether it be oral sex, having your back rubbed, her handing you tools in the garage while you tinker on the truck, heck if I KNOW what it is -- but there is something that you feel is making you feel not "in love" anymore.

Sitting on the other side of the fence --> I did feel the same way that you did. Not "in love", but I was also aware that after a 20 year marriage, kids come along, as do other things in "life" and heck yeah I wasn't going to feel those butterflies in my tummy or the excitement of him picking me up on a date -- but also, I was able to create that IF I TRIED. My partner just refused to meet me halfway and work on our marriage TOGETHER.

I divorced because I was working on a marraige all by myself. I was working on making our marriage better, while he continued to tear it down (womanizing, having affairs, manipulating, verbal abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse) -- there came a point where I just couldn't and wouldn't handle that anymore. I continued to work towards the BEST person I could be -- but that doesn't mean that I wanted my marriage to end. I wanted US to be wonderful together.

Talk to your wife -- tell her how you feel. Sit down and start a journal, for yourself, and figure out what it is that you are missing in your married life. Discuss what you discover and work from there. No one wants to be "alone", for me, divorce was the BEST thing I did. My ex still hasn't changed and in fact is worse than what he was. My children though notice the differences and KNOW what healthy looks like in my home.

Tim,
My husband is in the same place you are. We have been together over 9 years and he no longer feels love for me and the responsibilities of the family have him feeling unhappy. He consulted an attorney last week for divorce without even speaking with me about his feelings or the issues he is struggling with. I am so committed to him and am stunned at his change in feelings within a relatively short period of time, we just had a marriage commitment ceremony 18 months ago! I guess I am asking you what precipitated your change in feelings for her and what you feel she could do to "deposit" into your love bank. My husband is not willing to speak with me about how I can meet his emotional needs so I am hoping to gain understanding from your situation. FYI we do not have a dysfunctional relationship, no infidelity-abuse-addiction. Your input is appreciated.

tim, I'm sorry you misunderstood my post. What I was saying is that the feelings you are having now are what lead to infidelity and make you very vulnerable to an affair. Those of us who were betrayed wish our WS's had come here asking the questions you're asking before they made the choice to try an affair - and I would imagine that those who had affairs and now regret it wish the same thing. Since both those who were betrayed and those who have betrayed are able to recover using the MB principles, then you can, too.

If your EN's aren't being met, you need to identify them and talk to your wife about them. If she is LB'ing, you need to let her know that, too. She may not be getting all her needs met either. Many times, spouses are doing what they think will make you happy but not what does make you happy. Talk to her. What do you have to lose? Have you considered MC?

When you say you are "trying not to cheat" does this mean there's someone else you're interested in? If so, this will only decrease the possibility of rebuilding "in love" feelings for your wife.

Tim,

I'm guessing that you have a lady friend. You might say that it's not an affair - just a friend - but I'm guessing that without that friend, you would not be thinking of a divorce right now.

I'm I right?

-AD

I am sorry that so many people are in this position. I am not a good one to give advise, as I am seeking it myself, but I too don't love my H, I am not even sure I every did. We got together very young, I had a baby very young, and I did what I was told was the right thing. Fourteen years later, three girls later, many years of absue and affairs. I am still wondering if I want to keep it together or I guess it is worth keeping together. I have read two books that I have found very helpful, His Needs, Her Needs for Parents,His Needs, Her Needs how to affair proof your marriage and How to fall in love and stay in love,all wrote by Willard F. Harley Jr. these books where wrote for people like us, these who don't or fell out of love with their spouse. Get these books and read them before it is too late and you regret something you did. You need to tell what is going on with you to your spouse, as it these books will help, but it will take two of you to restore the love!!

I too was married for a number of years and have three children. I know all too well the feeling of not "feeling" in love. Marriage is hard work,anyone who says otherwise has not been married. Marriage has ups and downs and then there are those times when we feel nothing inside, we just seem to be going through the motions of life but feel dead inside as though we are not really living. It is easy to attribute this to marriage and think about walking away and having a fresh start or new beginning, easy to play the "if only" game. But friend let me caution you. God always wants a marriage to work and it should unless there is abuse within the marriage. It is easy for others to judge and say well it must be this or that, but deep down only you know how you feel and what you are going through, many factors are probably contributing to your feelings at this point in life. But remember that feelings are just that....feelings, its what we feel, and sometimes what we feel is not a fact, just because we feel overweight, unattractive, unsuccessful or whatever it does not mean we ARE those things, feelings come from within. If you are seriously considering divorce I hope you consider good marital counseling and open and honest communication with your wife. She may either be having or has had the same feelings you are going through now. I am convenienced that divorce is the worst possible thing to go through in this life with the exception of the loss of a child. There are so many aspects of actually going through a divorce that it would take a whole day just to list the obvious ones. From the tone of your posting it sounds as if you still have respect for your wife,after all yoiu said she was a good mother and that she was not a bad wife, that is something to build on, you obviously still care for her a great deal as you should. Marriage vows are to be taken seriously, after all for better or worse (remember). We all go through times in our lives where we want more, wonder what if and think things to death,but we need to be careful to sit back and look at what God has given us and blessed us with and what is right about our lives instead of what isn't quite right. Good luck to you and your family.