WW/STBXW has filed for D. We have a hearing coming up next week in which she is asking the court to grant her temporary sole possession of the home (boot me out but I still get to pay half the bills)and physical custody of DS with visitation rights for me (temporary child support according to state calculations).

Does anyone have any experience here? Remember, I am the BS. I have made every house payment on our home (STBXW paid the utilities). I am making a case that I was the primary caretaker for DS (which I believe I was and I am bringing in daycare providers/witnesses to back my claim). STBXW makes a little more money than I do. So it's not like we're talking about a SAHM here, she's a professional businesswoman.

I am just scared to death that WW/STBXW is going to get me booted out of the house. If this happens, this system is crap. Women want equal rights in everything until it comes to something like this, then she claims to be the mother (even though she didn't act that way), and that she shouldn't be turned out (even though she had the affairs). If this all comes to be, I am ruined financially. I cannot support (essentially) two households with child support on my income with my current obligations. I have already enlisted help to find me a temporary place to rent, month to month, just in case. No easy task finding this when you don't have any idea what you can budget.

My lawyer has counterfiled claiming an at-fault divorce (adultery). In our temporary agreement we are asking for the same things (WW gets booted, I get custody, she pay CS) except I am not asking her to make any house payments, she would have no obligations for house or utilities. Also, lawyer requested that she pay MY attorneys fees since I have always seeked to reconcile while she started the D action.

Has anyone been involved witht hese temporary hearings? Do they tend to favor the female even though she (legally, I guess) is the cause of this M breakup?

If I met my W for the first time today, I would run as fast as I could!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bear04.:
<strong>I am just scared to death that WW/STBXW is going to get me booted out of the house. If this happens, this system is crap. Women want equal rights in everything until it comes to something like this, then she claims to be the mother (even though she didn't act that way), and that she shouldn't be turned out (even though she had the affairs). If this all comes to be, I am ruined financially. . . My lawyer has counterfiled claiming an at-fault divorce (adultery). In our temporary agreement we are asking for the same things (WW gets booted, I get custody, she pay CS) except I am not asking her to make any house payments, she would have no obligations for house or utilities. Also, lawyer requested that she pay MY attorneys fees since I have always seeked to reconcile while she started the D action.

Has anyone been involved witht hese temporary hearings? Do they tend to favor the female even though she (legally, I guess) is the cause of this M breakup?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is typical stuff. Remember, it's TEMPORARY orders. Whatever is decided at this hearing will rule until the two of you reach a divorce agreement.

That said, listen to your lawyer. That's why you hired him. If your W is playing hardball (and it appears she is) then you gotta play too. Also, she filed. Not you. So she gets to play offense, you by default play defense. There is something to be said for you being the one to file. You set the tone, make the first play. THIS is the first play. Break out your best defense and make it good. Play every card you've got. Go for staying in the house if that's where you've been. Go for temporary custody of your child if that's been the status quo. Make the judge aware of what's been going on, who did what, who's doing what.

This is not about equal rights. This is not about what is gentlemanly. I am of the opinion that if your W had an A, and left the house, and left her child then tough nuts. She's out for the duration.

In my case, my H had an A but was unemployed. If I had him removed from the house, we would simply be using MY income to support two houses! That didn't seem reasonable to me.

Also, remember she is probably being guided on what to demand from you BY HER LAWYER. They have a set of fairly commonplace demands that they put in EVERY petition for divorce. I found some in my petition that didn't even apply to my situation and had my lawyer remove them.

At any rate, I could go on about this but just talk to your lawyer tell him what happened and don't be afraid to FIGHT BACK. Go for what YOU believe is right and just. You may just get it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

That's what I have done is fight back. I guess my term counterfiling was not appropriate. We filed paperwork rejecting her grounds for the D and claiming the grounds are adultery. My state is an at-fault state. There are no-fault grounds, irreconcilable differences, but both parties have to agree to this, then it is no-fault. These are the grounds in which she filed. What we did was reject those grounds and are caliming the grounds are adultery.

I am going to fight and I am going to present all the evidence and have witnesses, etc. Heck, my lawyer just sent out the subpeonas on Monday to the OM and a previous A partner of hers. So, people are going to be hauled into court next week. It should really hit the fan when everyone gets their subpeonas, maybe today. STBXW does not know that all this is coming.

Also, we have sent subpeonas to daycare providers and others who have witnessed that I am the one who has given DS primary care and support.

But my lawyer also said that 90% of time what comes out of this hearing is what is going to be final. Our strategy is to get into either a better negotiating position, or maybe even let it go to a judge's decision.

I really have nothing to loose. I live in an equitable distribution property state. SO we each are going to get half our stuff. THe only contention is custody. STBXW wants custody and visitation for me EOweekend. I can easily get that with a judges decision, so why not go for the jugular?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bear04.:
<strong> . . . except I am not asking her to make any house payments, she would have no obligations for house or utilities. Also, lawyer requested that she pay MY attorneys fees since I have always seeked to reconcile while she started the D action.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, why not demand house payments from her? If you live in a community property stae, she WILL GET half the house in the final decree regardless of the fact that she never made payments. It's marital property under the law unless you specifically kept it separate from what the two of you accumulated during your marriage. It houses her child. She should continue to provide support and maintenance to anything that in the end she will receive a piece of.

My question is, has any guy here been in my position and been ordered removed from the house, etc? What was the final result?

I can't really answer why we didn't ask for her to pay half. I guess it was because I was paying the whole house payment all along. I can't force her to keep paying utilities though, can I. Besides, that should all be covered under child support, IMO, why should anyone be forced to pay extra. that is only honest and fair. I may be upset and angry with WW, but I don't want to be malicious and hurt her.

Whoever has the house, has leverage, which is why they say to never leave the house.
My X left and didn't come back so my atty asked for possession of the house and got his atty to issue a letter saying I had it.
If X had the house, it would have dragged on much longer since he would have no incentive to cash me out (he bought me out of the house).

Many states are moving toward 50/50 custody and if you've been the primary parent and can prove it, you may get more custody - particularly since the child is male.

Talk to you lawyer about your first offer, and about your bottom line - ie. the least you will accept and be open to negotiating in between.

And also, from what I understand, the one with physical custody gets the house as well since a judge is not going to displace and upset the child.

I have also been told that neither one of us may be ordered to leave and that we would be stuck living there until the D is final. Talk about being sentenced to prison. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

What is temporary typically does become final.

Read up on the "nesting" concept. It may work for you. In this case, the home is the child's, and the parent's move in and out and live other places when not with the child.

I highly recommend the book "Mom's House/Dad's House". It offers great ideas on creative solutions to custody and other arrangements.

There is the trick. STBXW plans on moving to a city 60 miles north of our town after the D is final.. She is going to uproot child, take him out of our house (where I plan on staying), taking him out of his daycare, and moving to a new apartment, new daycare in a town where she has no family.

If I don't get custody, I will have lost all faith in the terms justice and common sense.

The law is the law. It doesn't always make sense. It was developed by a bunch of people who may never have been in the situation with which they are dealing. And they may not have a clue. And the law is not fair in every case. But it is the law.

Ok, normally I just lurk here and read up on what others are going through, but feel I must reply to you in order for you to be aware of what COULD happen and what DID happen to me...

My ex had been having an affair for several years and I choose to try and be the best father I could for our two daughters, one still in diapers at the time and the other in preschool, while allowing her time to figure things out (which for the most part meant going to the bar every night). We were still in the house together at the time. After one of her "business trips" to vegas I confronter her with all the evidence and told her she had to make a decision...she decided to divorce. The week before she filed for divorce she informed me of a debt that she had accrued while we were married that amounted to 70k of which I knew nothing of and of which I was responsible for half due to our state being an equal property state. My lawyer adviced me to stay in the house due to the kids even though the paper work had been filed by her. In order for her to remove me from the house, she choose to file a restraining order against me accusing me of rape and physical abuse against her....I loved this women with all of my heart and for her to accuse me of this was a crushing blow. There was no court for me to have my say, only the police to give me 20 minutes to gather my things and escort me out of my own house. I did not realize at the time that in those 20 minutes I would gather the only things I would EVER get out of the house. In the state I live (seems to be the state of confusion) it is a no fault state for divorce, so even though I had all the evidence in the world about the affair, the court didnt care and awarded her the house, the kids, half of my 401k, the pool table..ouch...she never even liked pool!...anyway you get the picture.

If she is playing hardball then you best not try to do the 'gentlemanly' thing or else you may wind up as I did. Good luck and beware.

Thank the Lord I live in an at-fault state.

You know, I was reading an opinion column last night that was for gay marriage. I am against it, but that is my personal opinion, everyone is entitled and it doesn't mean you are a biggot. I just beleive a gay lifestyle is morally wrong and society should not be forced to stamp its approval on it by allowing legal marriages.

Anyways, my beef is with the arguement about "protecting the sanctity of M". What crap! If that is the case, get rid of all no-fault laws. Allow the BS to easily legally sue the pants of the OP. Just plain make it difficult to get out of a M unless it is an obvious case of abuse, abandonment, drug/alcohol addiction, etc.

Oh, and if the WS wants to walk out on their parter, they should forfeit assets, etc. There should be a price to be paid. Love is a choice, and people need motivation, well there is moticvation to take another look at the M and not be so easily swept away.

3k4me- Would you ever even think of getting married again? Definitely would need an iron clad prenup!

Bear04., even though you live in an at-fault state, that won't protect you from the kind of abuse that 3k4me described. What happened to him is, unfortunately, not at all uncommon, and the repercussions often go beyond what was intended. Sometimes a woman (although I imagine men have done it too) will seek a restraining order to get her husband out of the house, will discover that she can only do so if she files some sort of charges against him, will lie to get the restraining order with the idea that she can just drop the charges later, and will then discover that the state has taken on a vendetta against her husband which she is powerless to stop.

And it is a mistake to expect either justice or common sense from the court system. As far as I have been able to determine, the primary interest of the courts has nothing to do with justice and little to do with the law. It is all about getting you off the docket as expeditiously as possible, and the courts have no patience for such antiquated concepts as truth or fairness.

Sorry to be such a downer...

Some of these things you are talking about are the first things my lawyer told me about when I came to his office. So. yes, my guard is up.

It is definitely up now. My STBXW, who has been wanting to get this D, has asked that our temporary hearing be continued for a month. Don't know what that is all about. My lawyer and I weighed the pros and cons and agreed that it should not affect our case.

The RO is a common thing. From my understanding, most judges will issue one to a woman, all she has to say is she fears for her safety. In a no-fault state, from what I understand, one can file, give no reason, and take 1/2 your stuff. I should be proper and say our marital assets, but when your W walks out on you and the M, she walked out on the whole package. That is my point about paying the price for leaving.

Divorce laws really have to be looked at.

You ask if I would marry again?....absolutely, I am not giving up on love or life, just a setback that must be dealt with and learned from.

You are correct that the laws need to be reviewed..whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?...but I can understand the safety factor. What has happened to me dilutes those that are truely in need of protection and that is the part to me that is not forgiveable.