Hello all,

New to the site, but glad to have found it. Need the wisdom and discernment from those in the know on how to handle announcing to the ex that I have a new wife. Here's my issue for your consideration.

I have a 3yr old son and have been legally divorced for over 1 yr, but with the 2yrs of separation before that, it's definitely 3+years of emancipation. Separation and divorce were textbook examples of ugly. Ex wife is selfish, controlling, bitter, calculating and vindictive. She doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me either (don't get that at all).
Just some perspective to help put things in motion.

Have a new woman and relationship that is likely to become a marriage. Ex knows nothing of the new woman - so it will be a shock because this time it's a serious relationship. History has proven ex will do something to either to try and "win" me back or cause problems and/or try and divide us. Changes to increase my visitation are in process, and it's not going well - so add this on top of her and I've got no idea how she'll react, but I surmise it will not be good.

My question is this, when is the best time to advise ex of the new wife and stepmother situation in this case? I am thinking a day or two before a wedding to mitigate the time and opportunity to intervene or cause problems, or possibly after it's already done. Of course, details will be sparse, but I do have to tell her...don't I?

What do you think?

The child is most important consideration. The child should probably be told before the ex-wife. Ideally, I would enlist another family member (a grandparent, perhaps) whom the child trusts and likes, to help you and your future wife make the child feel this is a positive family occurrence, and that the child is part of it.
Then you will need to inform the other parent, so that they aren't upset by the child springing the information on them. If indeed your former wife is highly vindictive and easily enraged, you might choose to let her know via email. If she's at all rational, a simple telephone call will suffice. Be respectful, and polite, and that should help her to be rational in return.

I have exactly the same sitch as you - so from my experience only is:
WHY BOTHER? She is out of your life (other than the other parent of your dear child) - your responsibility is to yourself, your child, and you new soon-to-be wife. Not her. You owe no explanation whatsoever to her.
Yes, tell your child. Talk with your soon to be wife about this - this is going to be some baggage you carry into your new Marriage. Of course your ex will try and cause as many problems as possible - given that she's just like mine and she will try to stir up as much crapola as she can - it's in her nature of course!
Don't WASTE ANY TIME with her - she's NOT worth it.
Give your time to your child and your soon to be wife. Tell your child. Get them introduced to each other (if you haven't already) - the more time all of you (MINUS your ex) spend together, the easier this transition will be and it will help put your new Marriage on firmer ground.
Just my thoughts based on my past experience. And.. the LESS your ex knows about what's going on with you, the less chance she has to spoil it and/or cause you more unneeded grief and hassle.
Don't bother with her - she's out of your life anyway relationship-wise.
SDLOM

I disagree (but then my X is the bitter one, not me).
I would like to know when he proposes to his GF so I can deal with the emotional aftermath with my kids. I've tried to talk to him and let him know the girls wonder if GF will be their SMom. He says he talks with them, but I doubt much.

I've taken my girls to Rainbows, so they are aware of the concept of a stepparent, and step siblings. I do believe it is common courtesy to inform the X (if a parent) and preferably before the kids are told. (but again, I wouldnt' want my X back).
There are many good books on the subject, and some for young ages to help you find the right words for your child.

Thanks for the insights...

My son is definitely a priority over the ex and my son loves new one and her to him...being age 3 makes it easy - that and heart & dispostion of new is impossible not to like. So that part was settled awhile back and is go to go.

About 8mo ago, I was dating a different woman and accidentally told ex about a lunch date. The next day, ex came to get son and showed up in a bikini and asked me to have dinner with her that night (I wonder what her boyfriend would have thought about that? And sure it was JUST dinner).

Story is offered to illustrate my problem with this one. I have no idea what she'd do if she found out I had something really serious, like a marriage on my horizon. Given that, I think I'm going to keep it totally covert. I know sooner or later she'll find out, and we'll deal with it then.