I recently found out that my wife is moving out. It's not that she doesnt love me or that I dont love her, its that I was mean to her a long time ago. I was used to dating "TomBoys" and we always picked on each other and made fun of one another and it was all in good fun. It never bothered them. But my wife, it really hurt her and she has this barrier up and a constant thought of how much it tore her apart making her feel like nothing. I havent been that way for months now because I realized how much it was hurting her. Now, she has found a place and is moving out. I love her so much. I have never cheated nor have I ever thought about cheating. I do everything for her that she wants or needs. Someone help me out. What should I do?

Pieces seem to be missing in the puzzle.

You say you were mean a long time ago, yet you also say you stopped teasing her months ago. Months ago isn't a long time depending on how long you've been married.

How old are you two. How long have you been married? Any children?

What should you do? Read the basic concepts, starting with the Love Busters section. You must eliminate all Love Busters immediately. Ask you wife to tell you what exactly you've done. If she doesn't want to talk to you or tell you, let her write it down. Once she does, do NOT defend yourself, or argue that you don't do those things.

Your first goal is to make yourself emotionally safe for her. After you have proven yourself safe, you can start meeting her needs. While you say you do everything she wants or needs, she might have an entirely different perspective. You'll need to find out. Yet, do everything for her won't make a bit of difference if you are engaging in behavior that drains her love for you.

Don't try to stop her from moving out, yet do nothing to help her. This is a tightrope walk. If you try to stop her, she'll think you are controlling and don't have her best interest at heart. If you help her, you'll speed up the process. We want to buy you time to exhibit change.

Meanwhile, don't expect anything from your wife. You'll be doing all the changing and giving for a while. This is taxing and difficult, but essential to put her in the framework to make some changes herself so that you two can recover your romantic love and care for each other.

Does that help? Read this web site and the books. They're short but insightful.

We have been married for 8 months, 12 days. We have been together for 28 months. We have a son who will be 14 months in 2 days. I am 25 and she is 21. We do love each other very much. She just cant get over the pain i caused for her. She has told me thats the reason. I made her feel like crap and that she was nothing for those months that I thought everything was ok.

Well, you have a child that connects you. That will give you lots of opportunity to prove you can change and not hurt her.

So, can you give us some examples of what you did?

That may help.

Our son always rejected me until just several months ago when he has started to warm up to me. He would scream and cry if I walked in the room. He wouldnt let me touch him. If I were left alone with him, he would constantly cry. I never did anything to make him not trust me or hurt him in any way. This made me really upset. I thought he hated me. I thought I was nothing to him. Usually, when I get hurt, I take it out on others. I would say things to my wife like...Why dont you leave and find him a new daddy that he will like, why are you with me when our son wants nothing to do with me. Things like that. I have called her stupid when she didnt know something. I have called her lazy. I have yelled and cussed at her when there was no reason to. I hate to be hurt and when I am, I react with anger. Not anything physical but emotional. For instance, when on the plane from our honeymoon, she had left my cell phone laying at the hotel we stayed in. I went off telling her how stupid she was for doing that. How could you forget my phone!! I didnt tell her how beautiful she was often. When she would text me or call me to tell me she loved me, I would say it back but not as loving as she would. I used to make fun of her because she couldnt cook. She burnt stuff and I just made fun of her. I pretty much degraded her half the time without even realizing what I was doing to her. I didn't mean it. I swear I didnt intentionally hurt her. She was all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. I cant express how sorry I am. I hate myself sometimes for what I did. I cannot be happy without her. I know alot of people say that but I wasnt for the years before her and I am not now. She gave me back my smile, my life. I just want her to eralize what she has in me. It has been great the last couple months. We dont argue, I dont make fun of her, I let her know every chance i get how much i love her and how much she means to me. If only she could let go of the past. I am not that man anymore. I have done nothing lately that would make her think otherwise. I am truly, madly, deeply and honestly in love with her.

Yoah there, hold on boss. There is a difference between "making fun" and being "emotionally abusive". One thing you are going to have to do is "OWN" your behavior and be Radically Honest with her and with us, if we are to help.

GG has some wonderful advice. Right now you're going to have to let your actions speak for you. She may be slow to respond but you will have exercise great patience and perseverance.

The thing is that I felt like i was just picking on her. I was always smiling to show I wasnt dead serious. I never "made fun" of her in anger or looking totally serious. I didnt consider it abuse. Maybe it was verbal abuse. I didnt mean it to be that way. She took it as verbal abuse obviously. I'm having trouble understanding how she took it so badly.

This is what she said to me: "I am so glad you have changed...I love everything you do for me...I couldnt ask for more....I love you so much.. BUT, I cant sit around or lie in bed pretending nothing happened. I have this barrier up and even though I love you so much, I can't do it anymore".
~I dont know what to make of that. I understand what I have done. i dont deny it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt and Scared:
<strong> I didnt consider it abuse. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did a quick search, now I'm not endorsing this site but read through this page with an OPEN mind and let us know what you think web page

Part of this healing process will be you understanding the pain you caused. Now get knowledge of yourself and of you spouse and make a difference....

I honestly don't fit into 99% of that. I have low self-esteem 15 to 20% of the time. She comes and goes as she pleases. She is in constant contact with her family and friends. I'm not going to say that I let her do these things. It's not like that. I don't care one way or the other. She can go and do what she wants. I don't sit and wonder what she is doing. I don't think she is doing something wrong. I think she has a good relationship with my parents just as i have a good relationship with hers. I admit that sometimes I do get jealous but it's minor jealousy. I dont yell or ask 20 questions nor do i tell her not to talk or see a certain person.

So if she looked at that website, what do you think she'd say?

Did you see the cycle of abuse in the middle of the page? Do you think that applies to your communication? Except now she's thinking of Step 5...

I think she would have said yes to the first 3 questions at the top months ago. I see the communication cycle in the middle of the page and I see "some" similarities minus the violence, threats, denial. I could see it to a certain extent applying to us but I don't really know what to think. I was emotionally abusive then. I can see and feel that. I don't know what to do now. I have majorly screwed up. I read that stuff and I know that I didnt do most of it but I still did some of it. I still hurt the love of my life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt and Scared:

<strong> threats, denial. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those are "subjective" and she may view them differently. I, personnally, viewed some of the statements you've made as "threatening" and feel that you have acceptance on one hand and denial in the other....

Since you seem to like #'s, try this one. You, by your own admission, have been pretty much the model husband for the last couple of months. Presuming that your "making fun" was present for the rest of the relationship, she may feel that you've been abusive for 93% of your relationship. That won't change overnight.

Read the concepts on this site, impliment a strong Plan A, read His Needs/Her Needs, cut out all Disrespectful Judgments, quit all Love Busters, fill any Emotional Need that she'll allow. Love is a verb and requires action.

just so you know, she told me herself that i was mean and degrading to her for 5 to 6 months. It hasnt been the entire relationship. I have to leave for class and work but i would appreciate anything else anyone would like say or do to help. I need it. Any opinions or advice are welcome. Thanks

I can't help you with your situation currently but I just wanted to mention that I have a 23 mth old baby and he was the same way with dh. I could never leave the house, the room etc without him crying. Anywhere I went I had to take him with me because he would cry the whole time I was gone. Eventually it took a toll on me and I told dh that although he was very loving to his son he needed to build a relationship with him and get down to play with him, care for him and spend more time in order to bond. He started getting on the ground and actually playing with him, changing more diapers, helping getting him ready for bed, reading, coloring and building blocks, now he stays with him no problem. He is still closer to me and prefers me still which is normal since I am the primary caregiver but things changed drastically. It used to hurt me to see how my baby reacted to his daddy. I think this now makes dh feel better about himself too.

Marie

Hurt and Scared, Please read through your long post. The things you wrote are what is often called "Verbal Abuse." I do not equate how you treated your wife with physical abuse, far from it. Yet, it was hurtful.

And I can see a cycle here. When your son rejected you, you took it out on his mommy. You were scary. Mommy was upset. That fueled the fire.

Once you changed your behavior to Mommy, your son changed his behavior to you.

By your own admission, you don't handle being hurt well and take it out on others. You may want to read through some books about how to better handle that. It's good that you recognize that hurt is underneath. That's a great first step.

Oh, here's a good one, try to get on your in-laws good side.

She seems to have changed her mind for now. She is acting like there is nothing wrong whatsoever. I hope that its all ok. I have asked her if she is going to stay and she said yes. She has agreed to spend the weekend with me and my family the 17th, 18th and 19th. I'm not sure what to think of this. Could she be telling me what I want to hear to avoid me finding out that she is gone. Or, is she maybe realizing what she has in me now. I don't know.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt and Scared:
<strong> Or, is she maybe realizing what she has in me now..... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or is the cycle simply starting over?

I have no clue. She seems to be so happy. It makes me happy. She seems to be sure of what she wants and I think its me.

I want nothing more than for it to be ok...not saying it will over night but soon. Does anyone think i am setting myself up for another heartbreak?