<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Sometimes I wonder if 'Husband' (I think that is "H" - just figuring out all the initials here) is what I'm supposed to call him still. Not really, I know that he is. We have been married 6 years as of January 2005. A lifetime of things have happened in that short time.

We are 2 yrs 11 mths separated. He says he doesn't want me yet would not divorce me. Yet...he buys things for me, dish soap, dog food, food if I need it etc. Recently even bought me a new printer, scanner, copier when my broke down. Even on Valentines Day he dropped a heart shaped box of chocolates at my door and 2 cases of diet coke and disappeared. He also takes me to appointments if no else can and picks up prescriptions, things like that.

We were almost divorced (well had the papers half done) when I found out I had a brain tumor. In the hospital he was right by my side 24/7. I asked him what was going on. He told me then the doctors said I had the lemon sized tumor 15 to 20 yrs and may not have ever had Bipolar Disorder (which I was diagnosed with in 1994). He said he wanted to "stick around and find out who I really was". OMG! I was thrilled! Unfortunately, he didn't stay long enough to find out who "I" really am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Here I was just saved Jan. 9, '04, just operated on, Jan. 13, '04 feeling wonderful and now had my husband back... or so I thought. Around mothers days he announced, without warning that he never wanted to talk to or see me again. He said it just wasn't 'working' for him. Said he had "lost his love" for me. I was devastated. Two weeks later I found out he was having an affair. Later in the summer he had another. All of this time, I was healing from my surgery and living with my mom. I saw him whenever he felt like coming to see me. He never spent much time with me at all. When he did it was almost a 'babysitting' time because I was not physically healed yet.

Since that time it has been a yo-yo relationship. He will pull me in enough to make me hope just to throw me back down and crush my heart all over again. Letting Go of him has been such an enormous learning experience. I have prayed and prayed. I have asked God's will be done, not mine. That's where my bigger problem comes in. The other night I asked him, my H to stop keeping me in this prison. He said he won't divorce me because he doesn't want to make this 'mistake' again (nice to be called a mistake-I know, I know, he doesn't mean me, he means marriage). Well, my belief is that God can change his heart and mind and this marriage can become better than it has ever been. IF IT IS GOD'S WILL. Then I wonder, is it ever NOT God's will for a marriage to work? Some christians say yes, some say no and everyone has their own opinion till I get confused. Then I think "Jesus is not the author of confusion". So then I believe Satan is confusing me to keep me from making a right decision and keep from finding peace. You get the picture?

I have fought so many obstacles in my life. Such major obstacles and survived them! This one though... I'm so tired of it. In April it will be 3 yrs. I know my family and friends and tired of it. I mean, "I" am tired of hearing me say his name! hehe! If I am, surely they are! (Well I KNOW they are. They tell me).

My point is, who is keeping me in prison <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> because he knows how firm I stand in my belief that God can change his heart and mind, he knows my faith or me because I won't let go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I keep asking God to "give me an answer". Either way, I truly believe I would be willing to accept it. Has He already and I'm just not listening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I keep thinking of a story of a man who was in a flood and was sent help to rescue him 3 times and said he was waiting for God to help him. When he was on the roof and yelling for God, He told the man "I was there 3 times". You know what I mean? Could I be blindly over looking God's answer because I "want" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You know something, just before I wrote this, I talked to him on the phone and asked him why doesn't "he" let "me" go and very quickly I interrupted him and said "don't answer that". Why did I do that? I just didn't think I could take the answer. So why did I even ask it. I know better. Arrgghhh I thought I was farther along than this.


Have You Seen Me? AMBERLI MAE PRICE
Ambers Page

Welcome to Marriage Builders

I can only give you the answer I have come up with and it may not be correct.

My IC says he's "doing the dance"..When I want out of the M he tries to pull me back - when I'm ready to work on the M - he pulls back. She said there actually is a book written about relationships that do this little dance. To me it is also the old - I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either...

The other answer might be - that he's a fencesitter/classic cakeeater...Basically, can't make up his mind what he wants, and prefers to have it all you, and the affairs..

Read everything you can here on this site - learn from others and do what's best for YOU...

Hugs and glad to hear your healthy again.

Welcome here. You are among friends. We're sorry for your pain, but are celebrating your strength! Amazing how you made it through.

Learn what you can here. You have been separated for a long time, but there are people who've gotten it back, who have been separated for a long while too.

My suggesion is absorb yourself in the theories here, and put a few to work in your life asap. Post on divorcing and on GQ11 so you can get good feedback quickly. Also, find old thread on 180 divorcebusting techniques. They work well on the fence sitters out there. Get phone counseling with the Harleys or MB if you need it. We aren't pros, but can try to offer always good advice...

You're here. You did it. Now we're pulling for you to stay strong and roll up your sleeves because it's time to get to work...! MB work that is!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> glad your health is doing well. my H and i have been seperated 3 times and i finally filed for the big D in 1-04 still not final yet. do you have children? you need to brake out of the prison and find some happiness . it's emotionally hard to keep wondering and keeping up hopes for reconcile. it's not fair to you or anyone . sounds like he's being selfish. just a thought. take care nik

(I had posted this already as a separate post but it was meant to be a continuance of this post so I am moving it to here)...

This 'story' is so long, I took something I had already written and copied it here so I could go on with what is happening now. That was so you would understand 'where I'm coming from'.

I decided to tell my H that he could not have this marriage without having me too. Guess I 'called his bluff'. I was devastated when he said he was filing for divorce I felt like I have so betrayed God! I have waited this whole year on the premise that God could and would change his heart and mind! NO matter what anybody said, christian or not (and oh yeah there were lots of christians who said forget it), I held on to that faith. Now I have let it go and I feel so bad.

He said he just never felt that love for me again. I asked him if he thought about this past year. He said "what since you have tried to be perfect?" OMG! I haven't tried to be perfect. I have tried to learn to be a good christian and a good wife. Two things I never was before. We lived together for 3 years and because of my illness it must have been awful for him! I have tried so hard to work on improving those things. I have prayed for God to teach me. I have accepted this time apart has been for me to learn and grow. But now its.... what? over

OK. I know, I can do this. My goodness, I survived a tumor that should have killed me. And I didn't mention I am 2 years (as of Jan 23) drug free from cocaine. That + the tumor should have killed even sooner. (No this wasn't during my marriage, it was after the split). And in Dec. of '03 I was raped by a serial rapist in the city I live in, 3 weeks before my surgery. BUT I SURVIVED THEM ALLLLL! BY THE GRACE OF GOD!!! AND I KNOW I'M GONNA SURVIVE THIS TOO! In the middle of all of that, God saved my soul! And He will save me out of this too.

Forgive me, I needed a place where I could come and talk about this where I can talk to christians who believe as I believe and can give me feedback. Of course I can talk to my church but it is mostly family. I hope you understand what I mean. We are small. I need more 'outside' help. Am I supposed to just let this happen? He told me today (after not speaking to me for 11 days and only calling because I had a friend call him and ask him to call me because he has blocked my numbers) that we are supposed to have an appointment set in April with the magistrate to discuss things. He said it is not the divorce but to talk about the divorce. I have no idea what it means. He is much smarter that me in these affairs also. Besides I DON'T WANT THIS! And why do we need to meet in front of the magistrate I don't want anything from this marriage. I wanted 'the' marriage! I want NOTHING FROM it.

I just wish I could stand in front of Jesus and ask Him "Do I just give up?" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Have You Seen Me? AMBERLI MAE PRICE
Ambers Page

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W (me) 42</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H (him) 54</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Married 6 yrs/Separated 3 yrs</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1st Mtg w/Magistrate 4 DV in April '05</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks everyone for your replies. I agree that H has set on the fence or a long time. He had his cake and at it too for quite a while. He was afraid to divorce me because he has been burnt twice before in previous marriages. I have told him from day one I wanted nothing but he didn't believe me. Now I guess he will find out.

I did find the GQ II board but I can't find the 180 thread.

BTW, I have a son named Nik and DIL who says "just peachy" all the time and they are married <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have You Seen Me? AMBERLI MAE PRICE
amberspage

Totally dropped the ball today. I have cried till it feels there are no tears left yet they keep coming. "Pray about it", I don't feel like I can. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I did the worst of the worst today... unplugged the phone, turned off the cell, walked away from the computer and went to bed with my tears and pain and turned the world off. Unfortunately, when I got up, it was all still here.

Good part is, I know I want to get better. I know I will get better. I know I will get through this. I know I will survive this. It's up to me how long it takes I guess cuz right now I just don't feel like working <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm tired, I'm so tired. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Why was he there the 3 years I was sick and now that I am well he doesn't want to try? Oh what a stupid question... I ask myself really stupid questions sometimes lately. He's tired too. It was a long hard three years on him. He doesn't believe I'm better. The trust is gone. He doesn't want to try because he is scared to. Maybe. I don't know. And what difference does it make now anyway?

Its only going to hurt until you LET IT GO!!!!

Not doing so bad right now. Finally slept last night. "Planning" to again tonight hehe! If I get my behind off of here and into bed. This has become my nightly (or close to it) journal.

I sent him a Goodbye card. Not a nasty one filled with bitter words. Rather it said "Thank You". I wanted to say goodbye with the good feelings of the good things that happened in our marriage. The feelings I had for him. The reasons I love him still.

My sister said it sounded like a 'guilt' card. I don't think so. And if he takes it that way, that's his problem because the card was for me anyway. "I" needed to say goodbye and "I" needed to do it this way. If he takes the words to make him feel guilty.. his problem, not mine. I can't MAKE him feel anything. And since I did the card I have had such a feeling of quiet, can't say peace, not quite there, but quiet.

Tonight, I got a call on my answering machine, him, "You asked me to call and check on you and I'm assuming your okay so I'll call another time". WHATEVER!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I wanted to cry, because I missed his call. I wanted to feel that mourning cry I have every since I knew he was going to file. Guess what? I didn't! And I couldn't! The cry wasn't there! I actually sat down and SMILED. I thought it was funny that he "assumed" I was all right. Why? Because he got my answering machine? Like I was "out" (yeah, at the vet seeing if my dog had worms eww! eww! eww! hehe!) I'd like to know the answer LOL! Ah, must have been the sound of my PRETEND HAPPY VOICE on the message on the machine left for everyone else who calls me so I didn't sound like I was a broken down wet rag of a depressed "I'm getting divorced" dumped wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yep! That was it!!! LOL!

Oh well, for anyone else out there in LA, LA land, GOODNIGHT and have a pleasant tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was checking the local documents for the courthouse where I live for a friend tonight and decided to 'just check' my husbands name.

It felt like an electric shock went through me when I saw our name <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Our papers were filed yesterday. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I don't even understand all the terminology. It is about property. April 13, 2005. Does this mean we aren't even going to talk again but will see each other again before a magistrate to discuss "who gets what?!" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yeah I KNOW ITS OVER BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!! Sure I do. No I don't. Sure I do. I just want it over with if it has to be. I know its just like labor, its gonna hurt like crazy but there will be a beautiful NEW LIFE AT THE END OF IT!

Well at least it won't hurt so bad when the papers come in the mail, I've already seen them. Why am I such a computer geek? hehe! I should send them to him LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Naaa Just Kidding

I got my divorce papers today. He filed gross neglegence of duty and extreme cruelty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


SOMEONE TALK TO ME! PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT GOING TO DIE! I know I'm not <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> but someone else tell me. OH GOD it HURTS!

I DON'T WANT THIS DIVORCE! I LOVE HIM! I WANT THIS MARRIAGE! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

YES I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, TERRIBLY! IT HURTS <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS, TALK TO ME!!!

pleasepleaseplease

Teddy Bear,
You will make it, I promise. Somehow God will see you through this. You are stronger than you think.....
Many of us have been through this and wondered the same thing you are. Hold on right now to God and friends. Let us know how you're doing okay?
KK

Thank you KK. I feel like I am drowning. Even though I know I'm not. I know I will make it through this but the pain is so terrible!!!

I told myself it is like labor, once it is started, it cannot be stopped. I HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT! And once it is over I will have a beautiful new life. And that is WONDERFUL RECOVERY thinking but right now all I am doing is HEART THINKING <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> auuuggghhhh

My mind is numb. I am seeing every picture of us ever taken. Our wedding song keeps playing. I picture myself just B-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out of this and being OK! but its not happening <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It hurts It hurts It hurts!!!

I am holding on to this pain on purpose??? I am the one not letting go? Why??? Why am I doing that to myself? Why don't I let go? Why do I sit here and feel sorry for myself? Why do I continue to be selfish? Why do I make my family and friends worry about me? I'm not hungry, my sleep is terribly disturbed. Questions of "are you eating or sleeping" are answered truthfully and therefore cause worry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So selfish of me!!! Auggghhhh! I have to stop feeling sorry for myself!!! GET OUT OF THIS PLACE! GET OUT! I'm hurting myself and those who love me! Surely not doing a thing to H.

God help me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />