This 'story' is so long, I took something I had already written and copied it here so I could go on with what is happening now. That was so you would understand 'where I'm coming from'.
I decided to tell my H that he could not have this marriage without having me too. Guess I 'called his bluff'. I was devastated when he said he was filing for divorce <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I felt like I have so betrayed God! I have waited this whole year on the premise that God could and would change his heart and mind! NO matter what anybody said, christian or not (and oh yeah there were lots of christians who said forget it), I held on to that faith. Now I have let it go and I feel so bad.
He said he just never felt that love for me again. I asked him if he thought about this past year. He said "what since you have tried to be perfect?" OMG! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I haven't tried to be perfect. I have tried to learn to be a good christian and a good wife. Two things I never was before. We lived together for 3 years and because of my illness it must have been awful for him! I have tried so hard to work on improving those things. I have prayed for God to teach me. I have accepted this time apart has been for me to learn and grow. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But now its.... what? over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
OK. I know, I can do this. My goodness, I survived a tumor that should have killed me. And I didn't mention I am 2 years (as of Jan 23) drug free from cocaine. That + the tumor should have killed even sooner. (No this wasn't during my marriage, it was after the split). And in Dec. of '03 I was raped by a serial rapist in the city I live in, 3 weeks before my surgery. BUT I SURVIVED THEM ALLLLL! BY THE GRACE OF GOD!!! AND I KNOW I'M GONNA SURVIVE THIS TOO! In the middle of all of that, God saved my soul! And He will save me out of this too.
Forgive me, I needed a place where I could come and talk about this where I can talk to christians who believe as I believe and can give me feedback. Of course I can talk to my church but it is mostly family. I hope you understand what I mean. We are small. I need more 'outside' help. Am I supposed to just let this happen? He told me today (after not speaking to me for 11 days and only calling because I had a friend call him and ask him to call me because he has blocked my numbers) that we are supposed to have an appointment set in April with the magistrate to discuss things. He said it is not the divorce but to talk about the divorce. I have no idea what it means. He is much smarter that me in these affairs also. Besides I DON'T WANT THIS! And why do we need to meet in front of the magistrate I don't want anything from this marriage. I wanted 'the' marriage! I want NOTHING FROM it.
I just wish I could stand in front of Jesus and ask Him "Do I just give up?" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Have You Seen Me? AMBERLI MAE PRICE Ambers Page
