I have been with my HUsband a little over 6 years. We have a 7 month ld, a 2 year old, and a 3 1/2 year old together. Deep down in my gut I know I need to end the unhealtthy relationship, but I am having a very hard time accepting that I need to end it and get a divorce. He has cheated many times. Just recently he went back to a women he had an affair with 3 1/2 years ago. He drove 6 1/2 hours too go pick her up and they stayed at her Cousins house that now lives in this town. So, even moving has not been enough to completely end that affair. He has lied to me beyond belief. One day he loves me and will do anything to make it work the next day he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. My self esteem and confidence have depleted to almost nothing. I am a strong Christian and accepttign that I need to get a divorce is very , very, very difficult for me. He is the only man I have ever been with at all. I am so tired of beeing hurt and taken advantage of. After reading the stff onthis site I feel like the way he described a pperson being addicted to cheating is similar to me being addicted to my HUsband and addicted to always trying to make my marriage work. I can already see how we are hurting our children. The two oldest cry when their Dad leaves and they crry when they overhear us argue. I want to do right by my kids. I do not want them to spend the rest of their lives living in our emotional hell. How do I let go and get on with my own life??????

{{{{{stormydakota}}}}}, Sorry you're here. Your H is emotionally abusive. Has he been physically abusive, too? My STBXWH was very verbally abusive and threatening and I know how addictive the abuse cycle can be - you know, "I hate you" one minute and "I love you" the next. Is there a women's shelter near you? You could call and talk to them about counseling options. Get whatever help you need to take care of yourself and protect yourself and your children from the "emotional hell" you're in right now.

Welcome...and I am sorry you're going thru this. But you're among friends.

Been there, done that...lived w/man both emotionally and in end, physically abusive. You are addicted quite possibly to his rollercoaster ride. If you're like me, you want to desperately save him from himself. I did that and it almost cost me my everything. By nature, I am a "saver" and even work in health care. So it was no shock I did all I could and "stuck in there" when he was at his worst. I thought if he could only "see" what he was doing, it would be enough to make him turn around.

Your question specifically is how to let go of something, this man, who is toxic. Here's what worked for me. My whole love for him did die in process and towards end, even though it was actually after I had filed for D, I still hurt and was saddened...I didn't want to say that I gave up. Didn't want to say that it had failed. I felt it was my fault...that was the KEY> to figuring out how to begin letting go.

It doesn't happen overnight. It will happen a little bit every so often and it will take some time. For me, it took a complete realization that I couldn't change him. That I could no longer carry his burdens anymore for him. When you realize you have done your best at healing your marriage, that you've truly given it your best shot, then you have peace when you choose to end it. Peace for me came in form of plan B. Towards end of marriage, even during separation and divorce proceedings, he was too cruel to even speak with. He'd spout out venom at me every chance he got...and his lifestyle was out of control. I realized that there was nothing further that I could have done. And it made the path for healing begin for me.

It is admirable you've stuck with him. Have you used IC or MC or followed the MB principles? I say give your M your very best shot before you begin the ending of it.

And in the end, I think I realized a divorce was my only alternative when I began losing myself...my peace, my sanity, my self esteem. When I realized staying and attempting to revive a marriage with a man who was spiritually and emotionally (to me) dead, I had to let go b/c he had brought me down to the lowest part of my life I have ever been in. It was like a sucking dark hole back then. Staying with the dying marriage was in fact emotionally killing me.

There comes a time, if after you've done everything you can do (including getting professional help, and following MB best as possible) that you need to save yourself.

Let's say you're on the Titanic. Hits an iceberg and is going down fast. You manage to secure a lifeboat...your H is down in the water, struggling to stay up...You get in the lifeboat and you row towards him...But your H is instead swimming away. He's shouting at you to leave him alone. You keep paddling to him. YOu shout to him you're throwing him a life preserver...that he only need to grab it, and he will stay afloat long enought until you can rescue him and get to him...what if he instead says "I am going to do this my way...Get away from me." He swims away from you, and instead gets in a liferaft with a woman in a very leaky boat...they begin paddling away in opposite direction from you. You see the leak, you know it's freezing...You are at risk yourself of drowning if you don't get this small little boat to land. Meanwhile you keep looking ahead...you see them in the leaky boat. You shout to him that it's leaking and he will drown. He keeps paddling away. At that moment, you have a choice to make. You look back and see a ship that's gone under. You look to the left and see a coast guard vessel coming to save people...and you look to your right and see your husband and another woman in a leaky boat, paddling away...no land in sight, no rescue boat coming that way...they're doing it their way..Do you save yourself or not now?

That is the best analogy I can come up with. The time will come when you know you did your best. But if you haven't done that yet, then learn about MB principles and quickly get some help with some of the phone counselors here. Learn and absorb all you can. Quickly implement the ideas. Try your best for a certain and specific period of time. When that time limit is up, do what you have to do....even if it is only saving yourself and your children. Sometimes despite our best abilities, best intent and wishes, a WS will choose to never try. Some WS are forever lost. You must be able to accept that.

Letting go is imho...when you realize and have peace...that you did your best..and if you stay one minute longer would result in losing more of the best within your soul, your life.

I do not regret my choices for I had no alternative. That's why I have the below quote by Jimmy Buffett. I knew it was gonna be one helluva storm when I filed against my xh...a powerful, wealthy guy with so much at his disposal. It would be hard...but staying or trying or even attempting to negotiate with him would be harder and I couldn't give up any more of "me" that was still left. I had to be there for my son...as whole and healthy as possible at that point.

I can not get over how much I relate to what you said. There are certain parts that I have said, thought, and felt word for word. I so badly want to save him and our marriage. I so badly do not want to except divorce. It feels like part of me is dying. I am not physically dying, but emotionally it feels like I am slowly dying. I never in a million years thought things would be like this. I never thought they would get this bad or that I would even consider divorce. I look at my HUsband and I see that he does not really love me, but I also see that he does not really love himself or anyone and it breaks my heart. I have tried a lot of the principals. For exapmle we have tried moving. I have tried meeting all of his needs the best I can. I have also tried getting down on my knees and praying for him, me, our children, and our marriage. If I could figure out a way to save our marriage I would be willing to do anything for our marriage to be saved, healthy, and Godly. Even with all of the horrible stuff it is so extremely difficult to picture life without him. I am ashamed and embarassed to admit if it was not for our children ,wanting to be there for them, I would have probably killed myself by now. I just recently started individual counseling. Hopefully with time it will help me grow strong. From the different books I have read I know that I am Co Dependent. The only problem is I can not get myself to stop being the way I am.