Hello All,

I am a newcomer to the forum and I am in need of Christian advice. I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

In 1996 my Ex H and I were married. He was 25 and I was 21 and 3 mo.pregnant. My parents insisted that we marry b/c of the circumstances. We did love each other but we were not ready to get married. We went through with the wedding and were married for 4 years. We had some good times together and quite a few bad times. We fought a lot about finances and the lack of attention that he showed me etc... but we never had any real major problems such as adultry or any type of abuse. Things just weren't the way I thought they were supposed to be. We began fighting more and more to the point of not being able to communicate anymore...at all. He refused to go to marriage helpers and basically just was in denial that we had any problems.
We got to the point that we did not sleep together b/c he said that I turned him off, we did not speak, the only thing that was keeping us together was our wonderful son that we both adore. I filed for divorce after a year of threats. I was absolutely miserable in the marriage and just couldn't take him rejecting me anymore. He did not want the divorce but I just wouldn't hear of coming back, I was very hurt.

A year after our divorce was final I moved 2 hours away from the city where we lived for a career opportunity and to get away from his memory b/c I missed him so much but I had too much pride to let him know. He is not happy with me b/c I moved b/c of our son. He begs me to move back all the time. If I knew that he and I could work things out and begin building a relationship again I would move back in a heartbeat but... My ex is a wonderful man and a excellent father, I think about him all the time and I love him so much. I have asked him out twice and both times he pretty much said no, I know he still loves me, and we have a wonderful relationship now. He has told his friends that he wishes I would come back etc... We talk about our marriage and divorce a lot and where we went wrong. He calls about twice a week to check on our son and me. I have told him that I am sorry for hurting him and that I made a big mistake, I have asked for his forgiveness and he says that he forgives me b/c he played a large roll in our divorce too.

We have both dated lots of people, I am dating someone right now but for some reason neither of us have committed to anyone. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but him (my ex).

I am sorry to have been so long winded but I really need some advice. Thank you so much for your time.

By the way, I emailed him a great website, the Restore Marriages one along with a letter telling him that I failed him/ our family and I am forever sorry. I asked if he would please forgive me. I also asked if I could take him to dinner.....I haven't heard back from hime yet....please say a little prayer for us. Thank you in advance.

I married a woman that I thought I was in love with and after eight months of marriage we divorced. Three years later she said that she missed me and that we should try it again. We did and it lasted four years that time...the problem was that nothing had basically changed in our lives. We still treated each other the same and we just had not grown up. In our first marriage we had a son and in the second we had a daughter and two more sons. We have been divorced now for almost four years and I have remarried. It is not a happy marriage for me and she knows it. She just recently told me that she did not want me to get married this time, that she still loved me. Now she is saying that I should divorce my current wife and we could talk again about getting back together. My delemia is that I still love this woman myself and she is the mother of my wonderful children that I do not get to see very often. I don't know myself what to do, but I do know now that if I married her, I would not act as I did before.

The point is....before you make any decision. You need to ask yourself one basic question. Are you REALLY sure you want to do this? Have you grown as a person? Has he grown as a person? Can you both communicate without the fights and certainly not in front of your son. Can you really LOVE and TRUST each other. The next time you are both in the same room. Ask him to take your hands in to his and pray about it. Give it over to God and let your feelings all hang out to Him. Then talk, really talk to each other about what each one of you would need to make another go of it.

Statistics say that 50% of all first marriages end and the precentage for seconds is up to almost 70%.

Think long and hard and don't rush.

Just my two cents.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: freddyb ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Falcon:
<strong>...We did love each other but we were not ready to get married. We went through with the wedding and were married for 4 years. We had some good times together and quite a few bad times. We fought a lot about finances and the lack of attention that he showed me etc... but we never had any real major problems such as adultry or any type of abuse. Things just weren't the way I thought they were supposed to be. We began fighting more and more to the point of not being able to communicate anymore...at all. He refused to go to marriage helpers and basically just was in denial that we had any problems.
We got to the point that we did not sleep together b/c he said that I turned him off, we did not speak, the only thing that was keeping us together was our wonderful son that we both adore. I filed for divorce after a year of threats. I was absolutely miserable in the marriage and just couldn't take him rejecting me anymore...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds almost EXACTLY like my situation except we never married. My EX and I have been separated for about 2 months now, we were engaged for 5 yrs. and have a 4 yr. old & a 9 mo. old. Things happened VERY fast for us and before we really knew each other we were parents. We did (and still do I think, I hope, I pray) love each other very much. Things were so frustrating with the lack of finances/abundance of bills, often he worked 56-72 hrs. a week + I worked 30-45 so we were physically exhausted, I tried to be Wonder Mom, and was attempting to finish my degree in Computer Science/Network Administration which meant tons of time studying. Basically there was no time for us. We fought all the time about stuff that wasn't really worth fighting over and I told him to leave in almost every arguement. Obviously, one day he did.

I have spent the last 2 months rehashing our relationship, lurking here (until now) and posting on various divorce support boards and checking local groups trying to figure out how to be a divorced mom. One day, as I explained our situation in more detail, I got a HUGE slap (more like punch) in the face/reality check. After that I started REALLY looking at MYSELF. He was no angel but I had played a far bigger role than I ever expected. If you haven't read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" try it. It has helped me to understand him SO much and how to see how the things I did/do set him off. We got so stuck in the "you hurt me so I'll hurt you back" game that we completely lost focus of why we loved each other. One of the greatest and hardest lessons I've learned/am learning is that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO. You can't change him or the past so all you can do is let it all go. One way I look at our situation is, he was really only capable of giving me 50% of the affection I thought I had to have, so looking back with everything I'm learning, I have realized that he was giving me 100% of what he could. And I wasn't giving him the affection he needed either because I thought I didn't deserve it. The things I liked least about myself I projected on to him and the more I fought against everything I hated the more they became reality. It really wasn't that I physically turned him off but that I made myself so emotionally ugly.

Sorry... I'm really telling more about myself than offering advice but was so relieved to see a story so similar to mine. Anyway, look at the way you're communicating with him now. Do you see things following the same pattern as before? I am trying to work things out w/ my EX (so far not much luck here either) and I am finding that the key is to not make him feel threatened, make him feel capable, trusted and respected and create an atmosphere that he won't want to leave. Which for me is hard, because I am very much an impatient, jump to conclusions and fly off the handle kind of person, but I am working on it. Theory is once he feels like there's no danger in being around you, he'll remember why he loved you and want to come back. Another good site to check out is Divorce As Friends - alot of good insight there. Hope this has helped some. One piece of advice my FIL gave me is "It took you guys 5 years to get to this point, it can't be fixed over night." He's been hurt and it will take time for the walls to come down. I don't know all your details but I know hard this is. My prayers are with you!