Don't want to go into all the details but...

Did meet someone that has called me twice - yes, I'm still M - but, if you've read my prior posts the only thing that needs to be done is 1 of us needs to file for D..WH is still WH - though for the past week he seems to have his A's on "hold" -though I've been wrong about that in the past.

I am not interested in the person other than friendship that's it..Since this is fairly new - I don't know this persons intentions, it hasn't gotten to that discussion level.

Am I legally allowed to met this person for drinks/dinner?

Am I being set-up by WH to catch me in adultery so he doesn't have to pay alimoney? Do people ever do this in real life??


WH said he heard I had a BF and named this person - I don't know where he would have heard this from, unless someone saw us talking in a local bar maybe 3 times.

This person has a regular job - seems nice enough - but would someone stoop to this level of giving attention only to help someone catch thier BS receiving attention elsewhere?

I am NOT going to have an A - that's for sure - but, I am lonely and basically enjoy being out and see no harm on my end in meeting someone for a drink.

If you are only conserned about how it may effect you legally you would need to talk to an attorney in your state. Morally I do not think it is good for you or your soul. You are still married and two wrongs do not make a right. If Jesus and the Bible are important to you then you already no that God would not approve.

As to the “legality” of it, I haven’t a clue. Are you in a “fault” state where that matters? If so, then sure he could have someone take pictures and you’d have to defend your relationship and it would be a risk.

But let me address one thing “””I am lonely and basically enjoy being out and see no harm on my end in meeting someone for a drink.””” I have a lot of female friends on and off these boards who have said those exact words to me after they had slept with the guy and felt like crap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . Some of them have been people who thoroughly followed the principles on this site and were/are very well respected but made a poor decision <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Some of them have been Christian ladies whom you’d never expect to do that sort of thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Some of them I could tell it was going to happen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Lonely + alcohol + guy = bad combination IMHO.

I am in a No Fault state - though, I have heard that the spouse who is entitled to support could lose that support based on adultery...It's ok for the person paying to have as many A's as they want..But, the BS has to be on perfect beviour.

When I met my WH ( I was a WW w/him) I know I was open/vunerable to an A..Even though WH has been cheating I do not feel vunerable at all w/ this person. I may even feel safe like I do w/other men that I know , though I've never called one or been called just to have drinks..Maybe that's the scary part - I'm seeing this as a safe place - and maybe his intentions aren't the same as mine.

I don't want to be set up and destroyed - I've been destroyed emotionally LONG ENOUGH...

I still don't know what WH is up too - If he is planning to stop being WH - he needs to say that to me..Because, I have been doing my own thing too and I can't be expected to stop moving forward w/my life becoz for 5 days he's been decent to me..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
Am I being set-up by WH to catch me in adultery so he doesn't have to pay alimoney? Do people ever do this in real life??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your H have to pay child support?

WHY does he have to pay alimony?

Do people do that in real life?
People do anything in real life.
In this case, if not yet divorced lady can go out with someone else, can't she work too?

“””I don't want to be set up and destroyed - I've been destroyed emotionally LONG ENOUGH...”””

I must admit I have not followed your story and if I remember correctly you and I have disagreed in the past but I’ll still offer my couple of pennies. It sounds like you’ve been in continuing “unhealthy” relationships for quite a while. Why do you think that is? Did you not have the “intentions” of having healthy relationships? Again, I don’t know what your working on but I can tell you I’ve never found emotional healing or growth in a bar, and believe I LOOKED. And by some of the statements on this thread, from the outside, I would question how vulnerable you truly are. Are you near a larger city where they offer “Divorce” care classes? Are you in some type of counseling or are you atleast taking some time to take a serious look at yourself and your rolls in the cycle? I guess, my humble opinion is that right now, the last thing that will be positive for you mental growth, is getting involved with another man. So now you’ve stated that you don’t intend for an involvement to occur, well to that I say “Life Happens”. The world is full of good intentions with not-so-good actions. There are many here that strongly believe that dating while married is plain wrong, well again IMHO this isn’t even a matter of that, this appears to be that putting yourself into what could be a vulnerable situation (based upon your past experiences) before you’re ready and it could be dangerous to your well-being.

“””Because, I have been doing my own thing too”””

What does that mean?

“””I can't be expected to stop moving forward w/my life becoz for 5 days he's been decent to me..”””

I guess that would boil down to how one defines “moving forward” with their lives…

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your H have to pay child support?

WHY does he have to pay alimony?

Do people do that in real life?
People do anything in real life.
In this case, if not yet divorced lady can go out with someone else, can't she work too? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No child support

Alimony - because he makes alot more than I do.

Because MY lifestyle has to change due to his multiple A's....Since we own a business together he will have to buy me out - and I will not be able to make the same $$ I'm now paying myself.

I never wanted a D - he chose to step out of the M and refused any type of IC/MC. He has not given up his many MOW/OW.. His attitude has been -If you don't like it - Get out..He thinks I should accept his A's - that I should just stay M and continue w/the lifestyle I'm accustomed to..and be happy w/that..Dont' expect to have $$, trips, cars, etc. and a husband at the same time...

Do I plan on working - Not if I don't have to..and this was not my choice...I work everyday at our business which I would continue to do until retirement - but if we D our business is marital property..and one of us will have to find a new job and it will be me..

So what I should start my life over at $5.00 hr. while he continue to make $$$$$ - I don't think so...I went into the business w/him as his wife/partner. I never expected him to be the man he is today..

I tried to hold this M together - I've stuck it out for LOVE and now - sorry, it's all about ME and $$$ my financial security. I've learnt here on MB that some M should end. If he wants OW then he needs to pay for that bit of freedom..

I'm not looking to "go out" on a date..Believe me, that's the last thing I need..I need more time to heal from this M..I just need to move forward like he's done and make new friends, find things to do, socialize, be there for someone that wants me to be there for them - not someone that craps all over me..again and again..Not someone that uses me..over and over..

Sorry, I was just defending myself - your words made me feel like I am some free loader that deserves nothing. That if I want to go out and "hoe" around that I should be willing to "keep myself"..and expect nothing from WH..My own self-esteem is finally coming back - I've finally gained some weight back and I'm finally standing up to him and his tramps.

You might want to talk to your attorney to be sure on the alimony. IN my state, I was not entitled to alimony unless we had been married at least 15 years. Even then, it is based more on the ability to get a job than how much you or he makes. If you don't have children and are healthy, that makes it fairly easy for you to get back into the work force. If you've been helping run the business, you most likely have the skills to make a decent liveable wage. I think alimony is pretty hard to get anymore.

It sounds like you’ve been in continuing “unhealthy” relationships for quite a while. Why do you think that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I stayed in this "unhealthy" relationship - because I deeply loved my WH - I prayed and begged that this would go away. That he would stop w/ the MOW/OW - that he would want ME again..and maybe I was "use" to the rollercoaster relationship. Because I believe I've learnt that I'm basically a conflict avoider - so I let things go for too long before I deal w/them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because, I have been doing my own thing too””” </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH shut me out months ago (when I had concrete evidence that he was having multiple A's)- we do NOTHING together..so if I want to go to dinner - I go alone if none of my friends/family are around. If I want to go shopping I go alone. I went on vacation alone, if I want to have a drink I go alone, if I need to purchase someting for the house I do it alone...

My own thing means -

I don't tell him where I'm going I just GO..I don't let him not joining me stop me from doing something I want to do..If we need to do something work related we take separate cars..We are living separate lives - sad and it's not what I want but I will not have 1/2 of a husband..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">“””I can't be expected to stop moving forward w/my life becoz for 5 days he's been decent to me..””” [I guess that would boil down to how one defines “moving forward” with their lives…
QUOTE] [/QUOTE]

Moving forward means to me - no longer crying, begging, sitting around pinning for him, doing things that make him happy and putting myself in 2nd place, expecting something he can't give, waiting for him to change or for a 2X4 to wake him up,making new friends, starting to build a new life w/o him, working towards fixing me and getting myself strong enough to file for D and accept that I must let go and move into a better place.

I won't be "dating"..My thought on that is

What type of man would want to date a M women?? (whether my M is dead or not) - NOT the type of man I would want for myself someday....

I was only looking to start a friendship - I am the type of woman that does better w/men than women..Though, I do have an equal share of both..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>I was only looking to start a friendship - I am the type of woman that does better w/men than women..Though, I do have an equal share of both.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*sigh*

Call it want you want. Rationalize it however you want. There are ways of dealing with loneliness which do not unnecessarily expose your vulnerabilities and which do not unecessarily risk your image or reputation. Ways which are likely to contribute positively to your healing and growth. Instead of seeking out those opportunities, you are talking about not just playing with fire but sitting in it.

“””I stayed in this "unhealthy" relationship”””

Don’t you love it when a simple question ‘Bunny Trails’ in so many different ways? But actually, what I was alluding to was this and your previous relationship or relationships. If I read correctly, you had an affair in your previous marriage (obviously unhealthy) and your husband is having an affair in this marriage (obviously unhealthy). Now I know your saying you have no “intentions” of dating, yet it appears your willing to put yourself into an environment that will likely lead to that. While I’m sure that would give you a whole bunch of warm fuzzy feelings that have been lacking for a long time, I also believe that it will mask your issues and set you up for the next roller coaster ride.


“””I've learnt that I'm basically a conflict avoider - so I let things go for too long before I deal w/them.”””

Great that you’ve learned this, please focus it on yourself and ensure that there are not things that you have let go with “you” for too long.

“””I won't be "dating"..My thought on that is

What type of man would want to date a M women?? (whether my M is dead or not) - NOT the type of man I would want for myself someday....”””

Yes and this is where my life experience kicks in. Nothing against you, but as I’ve said, I’ve heard those words before. I wish for nothing more than happy healthy life for you and all my MB buddies, which is way I’m sitting here waving this red flag at you and asking that you seriously consider the people, places, and things in your life. Also remember that your “intentions” may be good but you have also been starved in love, plus not everyone has those good intentions.

“””I was only looking to start a friendship - I am the type of woman that does better w/men than women..”””

For many reasons, I would focus my energy on fostering same-sex friendships. IMHO “moving on” at this juncture would include learning, healing, and preparing for the future. From my life experience I would also say that all too often the learning, healing, and preparation are too often clouded by getting involved with the next X, again with all intentions of this not happening.

Yes - I am worried about my "image & reputation" - that's why I'm treading lightly...

I do have a pretty busy schedule - but, I get tired of dinner/drinks alone..

I guess I didn't really see harm in what I viewed as meeting someone new and forming a friendship..nothing more..and let me tell you -- if he is M - I will NOT met him..I would not want him to want an EA w/me..especially since I understand how painful it is to have this within the confines of a M..

I guess when I socialized w/my WH we had alot of male friends and I liked their outlook on things - maybe I miss that since we no longer socialize together and the place where those friends are I don't go to anymore since WH has taken over that place. I feel out of place there now..so I'm just looking for a new place/people to just socialize with..that WH will not walk into and control me yet again. Last 2 times I ran into him (WH) - he was so rude that I was the one to leave.

Before I put my imput I am going to reread this again.

It hurts, BE CAREFUL!!!! Because you may get positive attention that will cause an affair. That is how it happened with my h. He wasn't looking, it just happened. I don't think most of the WS look for an A. It happens the way you are going. Do you trust yourself? If you can say no, then I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you can say no!
What are these other guys thinking when you have a drink with them? That is one thing you need to consider!

Ali~

BTW, how are the horses doing? I am now taking care of three horses. My friend has her own pole barn and I am going back in time. No water cups, no wash racks, and have to clean out stalls! I guess I was a spoiled barn princess! But I LOVE IT anyway! ahhhh the smell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Great therapy! You've got to be horse person to understand!

Ali88 - I trust MYSELF totally to say NO..To not step too far in that it's not a "friendship" anymore.

I've had many male friends for years and yes, they hit on me - BUT,,,I always valued the friendship more than SF. I always told them - if we sleep together I will lose you as my friend and SF is not worth price..Your friendship means so much to me..I won't risk it..Those same men are still my friends and that's been 20 years now.
If I would have slept with them - they wouldn't be around and I'm smart enough to know that.

I'm not naive - I know how A's start - been there done that..I know what is not acceptable behaviour from a "friend".. I know that my WH started romancing me and I didn't even realize it. Now I know the game some men play - and I will not be a player in that game. I see the stupidity of the many MOW/OW my WH has "befriended", I see that he used them, he lied to them, and he did it too me years ago too. If nothing else, I'm alot smarter now which is to my benefit.

I'm also smart enough to know if I view a man in a sexual way or a friend way - I learnt this the hard way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are these other guys thinking when you have a drink with them? That is one thing you need to consider!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me - I will be VERY UPFRONT...and believe me I always pay my way - so they aren't mislead by buying me a drink(s). That's what friends do..That's how I treat my male friends that I've had for years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, how are the horses doing? I am now taking care of three horses. My friend has her own pole barn and I am going back in time. No water cups, no wash racks, and have to clean out stalls! I guess I was a spoiled barn princess! But I LOVE IT anyway! ahhhh the smell Great therapy! You've got to be horse person to understand </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing is better to mend a broken heart/spirit than mucking a stall, dragging frozen buckets around, grooming your best friend..Your right - the smell of hay, and horses is so theraputic..It takes you to another place. I would never have become as strong as I am w/o my horse. I've shed many a tear in his mane he's got me thru all this. It's that unconditional love - it's barn time that heals you. My WH will never understand the POWER these creatures have - while I spent alot of time at the BARN - he spent his in hotel rooms/bars..And yes, he hates the fact that I can heal in a barn and he can't - he has to drown his depression in booze and women.

He doesn't understand that I need that time to destress from work, etc. I need that responsibilty since I dont' have kids - I can't sit an watch TV every nite and I can't sit in a bar every nite either. I love being outdoors and the horse gives me that and so much more..My WH can sit and watch TV for 3 days straight - I'd go nuts..Believe me, should I met someone/someday they will be a part of my barn time or understand my EN for it or they won't get any of my time.

Everyone has something whether it's the gym, kids ballgames, golf, etc. You have to have outside interests - and I guess my WH thinks I should just be happy sitting at home. The barn is the most unthreatening place to be - there aren't guys hanging around hitting on you. He should be glad I have something that makes me happy.

Where do you live? Equine Affaire is in Ohio next month - I'll be there..it's alot of fun 4 full days of nothing but horses and horse people...now that's a vacation...

Well, give your 3 some carrots and hug from me and my big guy....

I am in Illinois. What part in Ohio? And when is it? Is there a website?

I know, horses are great therapy! I love it and was blessed to find my friend. I miss my horses. I had a trakehner that was a nuts. But she was sooo fun. Sniff! I would take her over an oxer and she would just love it. She would start to snort once we would go over the first fence cuz she would know it was course time! Never did she run out on me. But she spooked over the goofy things. Like a pile of poop in the ring??? Got me there! Poop phobia??

While, H was having the A. I was all alone. H. was living in Texas while I was taking care of my newborn that just had major surgery and finding out that my oldest had Asperger's Syndome. I had no outlet. Trust me, I could have used the horses when all of this was going on. I think that is why I am soo focused now to continue with my dream and getting my business open.

Let me know about the Horse Fair thing.


Good, I am glad you can trust yourself. I think you can be fine as long as the line is not crossed. If you start to have feelings then you know that is a warning sign to flee. I have a lot of male friends too. Well, some I don't talk to anymore. But I have one that swears that girls and guys cannot be friends. He says that we are lucky that he lives 10 states away or we'd be in trouble. I guess it is that "When Harry met Sally" thing. But from what it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and will think it out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Ali88 - They do have a website


http://www.equineaffaire.com/

It's in Columbus, OH - they did add another one in Sept that will be held in KY...Columbus is only 5 hrs. from me so I go w/a GF and we stay over a few days and just talk horses all day/nite..

They have soo much going on -Western and English disiplines. THey have everything from riding to hoof care. Plus they have a breed pavillon which has every breed under the sun. This year David O'Conner will be there - since you are into jumping you'd probably get alot from his seminars.

Pfizer Fantasia is awsome..If you go try to get tickets to see that.

The shopping is great too..Where I live the tack shops are limited so I get to buy alot of things I
never see here.

There are a couple of trakehners where I board most have a fairly level head. My guy jumps over poop too..just won't step in it..He doesn't care for water or mud either..He's too funny and yes the silliest things spook him..but that's what makes him special to me..

I hope you can go it really is a good time and it frees you of all your troubles..

I let a couple of my males friends go too when I got M - and I found that WH didn't let any of his female friends go - mine where truly friends not sexual partners like his were..He for one can't keep friends as friends..Were as I can..I've gotten in touch w/some of my lost friends and I'm glad I did. We missed each other. And yes, I know a couple that I keep at a distance because it would be too easy to "fall". You gotta know when to say when..and I do..



What is Asperger's syndrome?

What type of business are you planning to open?

I am in a No Fault state - though, I have heard that the spouse who is entitled to support could lose that support based on adultery
If it's a no-fault state, then it is a no-fault state. They can't rule based on adultery.

WOW! Sounds fun! I will definitely look into it.
Check out State Line tack. I am in the process of looking for new stuff. Can you believe my entire tack trunk was stolen from me! I had a a Califonia tack truck with my intials on it. Plus my saddle and bridle too from the tack room. I am still sick over it! Who ever stoled it was nice enough to leave my saddle pads and gerth behind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I have an idea who did it. And I confronted her but of course she denied it. After that she never showed up at our barn. My saddle was given to me as a present from my parents when I get really involved in showing. It was soo comfortable and broken in. It was more sentimental to me than worth. I had a corbette sqaure raised bridle yadda, yadda but you are talking everything that I owned was in that trunk. My custom made chaps, draw reins, fly sheets, bits including a bit made just for my mare that cost me $$$$! Anyway, but check that out. I am sure you have heard of State Line tack. I find them to be pretty reasonable pricing.

Ali~

How horrible - I would be livid if all my horsey stuff was stolen. I can't even throw away old worn out horsey stuff. There is always some flippin sentimental reason that I keep it.

No different than a mother saving booties, teeth, etc. I waited for so long for a horse - took me 43 years to finally get one and value everything about him.

Yes, I use to buy from State Line - now I order from Dover - you might want to check them out - they always have alot on their special sale pages.

www.doversaddlery.com

I buy alot from Ebay too..

I'm dying to go the Vegas for the FEI World Cup I just haven't found anyone to go with and I'm leary to go to Vegas alone..I think it would be great experience and I may never have the chance to go again. Hmm, I have a friend that moved to Vegas - oh yeah, he's one of the ones you keep at at a distance.hahha If WH wasn't still wayward - I'd ask him to go - he wouldn't go to the Cup but he could lay at the pool, gamble while I was watching the Cup..Oh well, maybe in my next lifetime...

Hope you find some bargains and I'm sorry your tack was stolen..How rotten is that......

LOL about your WS! Vegas is not the place to bring him. Who knows where his eyes wondering would be and other parts of his body too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Been to Vegas once. It can be very intimidating. I was 12 weeks pregnant when I went and I was still going through the morning sickness! But the buffets were great! I cannot say anythng good about it. I was told I am crazy. But I think it was the state of mind I was in too. Plus, I ended up with a fever on the day I was too leave and flew home with a 102 fever. Yay for tailwind because we ended up home almost an hour early before our estimated arrival.

Love Dover! I had ordered my checker board wraps from there. Right now, I am looking into buying used. I am not going to do any showing or anything like that! I am done with that. Those cat days are over! I used to teach too. Liked it but I have no time to do that again. Besides, I am so "green" again that I don't even know the lastest new styles. I thought equitation was equitation? Heals are held differently now that that if I were to ride like that, I would tear apart my ligaments in my ankle! What ever happen to the good old fashion balance???? Hummmm!
But anyway, I am in it for the serenity and equine friendship. So a brand new $1200 saddle would not be feasible. Besides ebay, isn't there another used tack site?? I thought there was.

Holy cow! I wish I can get a picture of that horse in watercolors off of the site you gave me.

Why not? Call your friend! OK please no one rip me a new one here. We can have opposite sex friends. Just because our S. cheated doesn't mean we would stoop to that level right? Is it true that men and women cannot be friends????

OK I am going to be totally honest here. Oh my God, I am so afraid to post this but here it goes. But If found someone right now because I am where I am in my marriage which is a convenience, I would definitely go for it! Please go easy on me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Really. Not to do it to get back at my husband. No, if I were to play get backs it would have been done along time ago. I am not one to cheat or do things out of spite to get back. I am at a point where my love for my H. is not there. His A. was the icing on the cake and it took me so long to see it!

OK sorry didn't mean to go off like that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali~

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>