When my HUsband leaves me it is like pulling teeth to get him to call and talk to our kids. They adore him and even just a phone call saying Daddy loves you and misses you means so much to them. Any advice on what I can do to encourage him to at least be there for the kids. It is not their fault that we have so many problems. They are innocent in all of this. When we are together he can be a really good Dad. When we are not together he basically ignores them.

Hi Stormy,

I read your post on the other thread. Thanks so much for the kinds words. I've had a lot of very positive support which really helps. I feel privlidged to be able to care for and spend the amount of time with my children I do. I do wish my WW would spend more time with the kids and call them more as well. She seems to have different priorities in life right now, however. I don't think she sees the damage she is doing to her relationship with her children.

As far as your H goes. Does he know the kids miss him and enjoy his calls? Can they tell him that directly rather than you tell him. I think it is more powerful coming from the children than the X.

I know when I tell my WW something she doesn't listen, but when it comes from the kids she's more likely to listen.

All the best,

Miker

Stormy,

Have you tried telling him how much it means to the kids if he would call often to say Hi to the kids?

I tried with my ex and it didn't make any difference. Now 7 yrs later my oldest doesn't really want anything to do with him. Part of it is she's a teen and the other part is she feels like when she needed him the most he wasn't there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You can't force your X to be a dad, he has to be the one to do it. I hope he listens and is there for your children!!

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

Thanks for the advice. Our children are really young: 7 m., 2 y., and 3 1/2 y. My 2 y. says Dady, Daddy over and over again when he calls. She runs around the room similing saying Daddy. I have told him about it and he hears her (but he does not see how happy she is). My 3 1/2 y. tells him come home Daddy, you go nigh nigh with Mommy, and Mommy cries Daddy. Just recently she told him you hurt my heart Daddy. But, when she gets off the phone with him she says Daddy loves me, Daddy love Lexe (that is what he calls her). I have also told him that, but I think he thinks I tell him to try to get his to come home and stay home. It is like he thinks I use the kids to try and manipulate him to be with us. But, that is not how it is. Yes I wish our marriage would work and they could have their Dady her, buut I want him to call them because it breaks my heart to hear them ask for and sometimes cry for their Daddy. I better than that for them.

Yes, I have tried. I am not for sure if he believes me. Unfortuantely, I think he thinks I use it to try and manipulate him.

How about this for a crazy idea...

Do you have a camcorder? Could you rent one? Why don't you video tape some of the children's reactions so he can see for himself? Maybe then he'll believe you.

Miker

Can they call him? Obviously, you're the one selecting the time and dialing the phone. But that's not so bad. How about if you set a regular day/time for the kids to call Daddy. When the appointed time comes around, get your kids ready by saying things like "How about if we call Daddy and tell him about your new shoes/the picture you drew today/what you took to show and tell." That way, you're focusing their attention on things they want to share with Daddy rather than on his absence. Stay nearby while they talk, and if they go too far down dangerous roads, redirect their attention: "Tell Daddy about the dog we saw in the park yesterday."

Select a time of day when you can be reasonably sure he will be home and alone. If he's spending his evenings with another woman, don't call in the evening -- call at breakfast or something.

I have a camcorder. I could easily record them. I can not call him. When he calls me it is blocked. He has my number. Now I only have his work number and when he is at work I am at work and the kids are at day care. The girl he is staying with does not want him to give me the number even though we have kids together,

Does he have a cell phone? If not, maybe you could suggest that he get one. Does he have an email account? Maybe an email like this:

Dear Husband:
Your relationship with our children is very important to me. Now that you are out of the house, I thought we could set up a standard schedule for you to talk by phone to supplement the current visitation schedule. Children find comfort in routine, and so I think a set calling schedule will help them through this difficult time. I realize that you do not want them calling the phone where you are staying. But I'm hoping you and I can brainstorm some possible alternatives. Here are my suggestions, and I'm anxious to hear yours.
-Kids call you at the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:30 [set whatever time is reasonable for your situation]. This will require you to stay a little later on those days to receive the call. But I can commit to getting them on the phone with you as soon as I get home from work so as not to delay you any more than necessary.
-Kids call you on your cell phone. I'm open to your thoughts on the best times for this. Obviously, that time must work for us as well.
-You call kids at breakfast time on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Please share any other ideas you have. I'm sure we can work something out.
stormydakota

*****
It's a very businesslike email that says nothing about your marital relationship. That's because your objective here is to find a solution. Any remarks about your relationship that might put him on the defensive will hinder that.

He does have a cell phone. He changed the number when he moved in with her and did not give me the new number. I could probably call AT&T , give them his information and figure it out, but I hate to go to that length. If he does not want me to have it I figured it is best to just accept it. He does have an e-mail address. I do not know if she has a computer or how often he checks it if she does. He is a delivery driver and as far as I know he does not have access to a computer at home. I could send him an e-mail and see if I get a response. I like keeping it professional and mentioning a routine. Thanks for the idea. It defintely can not make things worse.

Are you in the midst of divorce proceedings? If so, you could ask your lawyer to send a letter to him in the care of his lawyer.

No, I probably should go ahead and file, but at times he sends me mixed messages. He knows that I wish we could make our marriag work and be a rea family the way God intended. It was just a few days ago (probably like 5 ) that he called me at work saying he messed upagain, he was sorry, and wanted to come home. I told him to prove it, to move out and stay with friends, no contact with her, treat me with respect, and whenI saw it was for real he could come home. He got mad at me. But yesterday he called to let me know how much he hates me and to leave him alone. The girl he is with is the same girl he had an affair with 3 1/2 years ago. We moved to get away from her, but when we started having problems again and had what I thought was going to be a small seperation he drove 6 1/2 hours to go get her. He swore to me he would never talk to her again. I just do not know what to think. It is all so painful.

Stormy,
Protect the kids. I totally understand what you are going through. My H did the same at first...and our 4yr D cries for Daddy etc. It tears you heart out I know. You need to start telling them Daddy is not available and loves you each very much. And somehow you need to get their minds off Daddy.

I keep telling my D that it is you and I and we are doing just great!

My thoughts are with you.