Hi, I can't say that I am new here because I have been reading posts for months now, but today I felt like I had to join in. I know what you are going thru and the pain. I've seen it in my own family. I can tell that you love your wife and I believe you are on the wrong site. Maybe Plan A or Plan B but saying that you were instramental in what had happened so it would not be fair to do either to your wife. I also read that you believe in God. Well if you don't talk with a fork tongue than you know you will not be forgiven for things that you do if you cannot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> forgive her. Do you realize what you are doing or teaching your child. That pride no matter what come first. Pride comes before the fall and beside it is one of the deadly sins. The reason you have so much pain is because you are not forgiving her and you are holding yourself back from her when you should be loving her. She has showed you how much she loves you by putting her life on the line to give you a child. But you won't go an extra step to forgive her Even though I know your pain I want to tell you that I think you are a selfish man and self centered when you take a stand like this. First and formost what you are not considering is your child and the years of pain it will cost him and then when he is old enough to understand will know this all came about because you could not forgive his mom. Wake up before it is to late. When you forgive her your life will turn around. "forgiveness is love in its most noble form". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> web page infopop

Thank you hbr, ih, and savior for your replies.

It is so amazing, while I am considering divorce, I also worry about what would happen to my wife if I left her. That is how much I love her. Would she be "destroyed woman". Would she go into depression. Would she lose her job, be able to handle the harsh world. Well...... I am sur that she would do just fine, but I do wonder.

I do not want someone else raising my son. I do not want her to be with someone else. I do not want another man to take care of her, because no one can do that better than me.

All of that being said, I don't want to continue with this pain. A previous writer is correct that I am selfish. I feel like I am being selfish, but was she not. She put our lives in danger through the risk of STDs, and doing what she did. I would have sent the OM to the hospital if I would have woken up.

Is there a limit to forgiveness? How far does it go. If someone kills you child, should you forgive them? Is everything forgiveable?

Should a woman who has sex with another man in the presence of her husband be forgiven? Does that not seem like the lowest thing that a person could do to their spouse?

Please chime in...

Hi again, this is your conscience speaking. I know what your saying about your wife having sex with another man in front of you, your wife was wrong having sex with another at all. I know about forgivness, listen up, you asked if someone killed your son could your forgive them. dah! I think we did that to the son of God and we were forgiven. You know in your heart that she is sorry and i am sure she has asked you for forgiveness. What would you do or how would you feel if your son one day will not forgive you because you did not give your family a chance nor his mom a chance. You know if you continue and she does leave your son will be leaving with her and the pain will begin. Having regrets because something you tried didn't work out is nothing compared to having regrets that you didn't try at all and maybe your life would have been different and you will never know. When you forgive her most of the pain you are feeling will go away because you truly would have done something God like. God will bless you. You will teach your son a lesson that there isn't anything that he would do that couldn't be forgiven.

Is there a limit to forgiveness? How far does it go. If someone kills you child, should you forgive them? Is everything forgiveable?

Should a woman who has sex with another man in the presence of her husband be forgiven? Does that not seem like the lowest thing that a person could do to their spouse?

Dear Destroyed - I went back and read your orignal post so that I had a better understanding of the situtation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In fact, the fact that they were swingers somewhat intrigued us ( my wife much more than I as you'll soon hear ). I discussed this issue with my wife prior to this evening and let her know that I had no intererest in doing any swinging.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok - you weren't interested in swinging w/them - but you had sex w/your wife in the same room..HELLO...What were you thinking??? Could this be viewed as the old style "orgy"?? My goodness, if you had sex in front of them how could you NOT think more "could" go on??? I'm not blaming you or her - you two put yourselves in a vunerable posistion. Any different than dropping the kids off at a known molesters home??? Hiring a known thief??? Whether you told her or your friend (no go) she was caught up in the moment, drinks, her inhibitions were gone once you 2 had sex in the same room.. You both opened a door that should have remained closed...People do things they wouldn't ever do when they have a couple of drinks - booze gives you a feeling of freedom.

Are you 100% sure that if this wasn't turned around that you wouldn't have had SF w/this woman? Would you have woke your wife up and run out the door - or would you have looked over to see if she was asleep? Are you just being "holier than thou" right now? Because you have the upper hand here??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there a limit to forgiveness? How far does it go. If someone kills you child, should you forgive them? Is everything forgiveable? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgiveness - I don't know - you need to answer that one..I would think everyone has a level that they set.
Noone was murdered here - don't try to look it in that same way. It's not the same..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should a woman who has sex with another man in the presence of her husband be forgiven? Does that not seem like the lowest thing that a person could do to their spouse? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are forgetting you both knowingly put yourself/marriage at risk by even being w/these people. I know they are your friends - but, don't you think they knew the evening would end up something like this?? Most of their evening do, right?? They look for the weakness, vunerable people and use it to get new members in their club.... Your w/may have even discussed swinging w/the other women as casual conversation. If I had freinds that were swingers I'd ask alot of ? out of sheer shock..

I still think both of you having SF in that room w/them there - opened the door to all of this..Your w/may have justified her actions as he won't care since you both were "different people" that nite..

Hugs my friend and Healing Vibes...Let this go....Don't speak of "forgiveness" speak of moving on from this "experience" - you learnt your lesson just don't set your M up again for disaster...You are destroying yourself and your M over something you BOTH did...

thank you ih and savior.

ih, you are right about how my wife may have justified her actions by saying we were different people that night.

And I know that I am also very responsible for what happened that night. I am so responsible that I sometimes want to kill myself.

But the fact that I am responsible does not make the situation any easier.

My wife and I made love last night. You know what happened? This is a little, well hard to write about, in a decent way, but here goes. I think it is important for you to know the intense emotions and feelings involved.

When I first went inside of her, I did not feel like her husband. I felt like I was the OM, and I imagined that I was him and how much bliss he must have felt at that exact moment when he did just as I was doing. It was overwhelming, and I......you know.

I then started crying and my wife asked what was wrong with me. When I told her ( above ), she became mad, understandably.

We talked for a while and then made love again, and it was nice. While I had the same thoughts as the first time, I did not tell her. I also tried to hold back my tears.

You see, I can't even make love to her without thinking about the experience she had.

I know that what I said above is strange. But, I do beleive that I am damaged for life in a way that cannot be repaired.

When my wife broke that bond, I became psychologically destroyed. I have suicidal thoughts every day. I have thoughts of carrying out viloent acts against the OM. I even went to his house one day and asked him to come outside to "discuss" things with me. He called the police instead, smartly so. Because I did not want to discuss anything and was prepared to do him harm. I called the OM's mother and told her what happened.

You see, I am totally unstable and I really don't see any way back to sanity. If I leave my wife, I will have the pain of not being with her and my son. If I stay with her, I torture myself everyday with images of betrayal and start to resent her. It just seems like a no win situation. I want to forgive her, but sometimes feel like I am trying to force myself to do something that I don't have the capacity to so.

Darn, I am just hopless. Your messages do mean a lot though. Thank you for your replies.

come on and get hold of yourself. If you think that she had any kind of emotional feeling for this other man or ment anything to her you are sadly mistaken. It was a mistake and take it as that. Millions of people fall from grace everyday. It doesn't make them bad people. We are human for God's sake. You are taking this personal like she did this to hurt you exclusively. You both were drinking and she probably don't even remember most of it. The other man he's not worth your thought because if you do harm to him your family will suffer. You will be arrested, your family will be embarrassed and the secret will be out. Let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you should read a lot more of these posts and see what some people are faced with countless times their spouses cheat on them and with love they take them back and never give up. How can you give up for one indesgresion.I think you have to much free time to dwell on this, how about thinking about the million good times that you two had together instead of thinking about her being in bed. Give her a chance, let her prove to you how much she loves you.

come on and get hold of yourself. If you think that she had any kind of emotional feeling for this other man or ment anything to her you are sadly mistaken. It was a mistake and take it as that. Millions of people fall from grace everyday. It doesn't make them bad people. We are human for God's sake. You are taking this personal like she did this to hurt you exclusively. You both were drinking and she probably don't even remember most of it. The other man he's not worth your thought because if you do harm to him your family will suffer. You will be arrested, your family will be embarrassed and the secret will be out. Let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you should read a lot more of these posts and see what some people are faced with countless times their spouses cheat on them and with love they take them back and never give up. How can you give up for one indesgresion.I think you have to much free time to dwell on this, how about thinking about the million good times that you two had together instead of thinking about her being in bed. Give her a chance, let her prove to you how much she loves you.

It is obvious she loves you. If you do not choose to make your marriage work you will always regret it.

GET TO A DR. NOW....

Get some Ad meds...

Though, my WH has not tried to make love to me in a long time - I know how you feel since I know of MANY MOW/OW he's been w/I don't even want him to touch me..I feel that I would be compared to these OW - I would be judged - my body may not be as "perfect" as so and so's...

Infidelity is a very deep wound..I may never recover either - it's not that I cannot forgive - it's that he shared something with them that he didn't with me..

You must seek help from a dr./therapist to get thru this - it sounds like you are further off the deep end than I ever was. I never had suicidal thoughts - I thought about bashing his favorite car to pieces so he could maybe feel the deepth of pain that I feel. But, a trip to the body shop can fix his car - it's gonna take more to fix me.

Please seek help..All of us on here want you to get your head on straight and your marriage back on track..

Somehow I did not see where you wrote about having suicidal thoughts. I agree with the advice given go get IC. Have a professional help you deal with this. I also encourage you to talk to a preacher. You, your wife, and child will continue to be in my prayers.
God Bless,
Stormy

savior, ih, sd, thanks for the replies.

I am in counseling. They keep pointing me towards meds. I don't want any of that stuff. Have you ever seen a crazy person, really crazy, and wondered what caused them to be that way?

Well sometimes life deals out more than we can handle. Different people react different ways. Some people simply snap, and are never the same again. That is me.

Thank you all for your prayers..

DM,

That is precisely why you need meds. In case you have NOT been paying attention the stuff they use to day is designed to help you, not just turn your brain into mush. You won't be a zombie if you take them. But brain chemistry is far better understood than before hence better more effective medicine.

Please consider it if only for a few months. You have what is called a "situational" need for med's so take advantage of it before a whole bunch of lives are messed up, including yours. You owe it to yourself, your family, your parents, yup, even your W. Time to step up and accept some help.

God Bless,

JL

DM

DM
I agree with everyone on this board about the meds. I had a family member who was completely devesated by infidelity. Believe me when I tell you this person went thru hell until someone kind of forced this person to go get meds. It was like a miracle, the next day this person was a different person. The new med they have today works the next day. It isn't mind altering at all it just makes you think straight rather than crazy thoughts. It calms you down so that you can think clearer. What's wrong with you is not that you are crazy it's that your mind is racing and your thoughts are jumbling and you are not thinking straight. It works, try and get to see your physican as soon as possible. You will not believe the change in yourself. You are not the only person who has these thought every person who has been cheated on feels the same way. But what most feel to tell is that they get through with this with some med and a little help from their friends. I know you have plenty of friends just here on the board, now get the medical help.Good luck and GodBless.