3 weeks until it's final, but the marriage couldn't be more over than it already is.

This is the third time my wife and I are getting a divorce. Yes the third.

We first divorced a few years into the marriage. Within 2 months she wanted me back and we re-married. I hoped it was just an age thing and hoped it was out of her system. I didn't know she had an affair until after the second divorce. I found out about a new affair and then we divorced for the second time. I wanted to save it but there was no way. Then she admitted the first one.

By the end of that first year apart, she had come around again. She was saying and doing all the things I needed to hear in order to consider it. After 2 months of "dating" she had moved back in and 6 months later we re-re-married. I know my mistakes in taking her back so quickly, I accept that blame... but it's too late to fix that.

All was well at first, she was enthusiastic about wanting to fix what had happened and wanting to make me happy and secure. But I saw her slowly slipping into her old habits after she started working full time again. I tried to talk to her about it but she would now get defensive. By the time I realized what was happening it was too late. By this time she was already into another affair and wouldn't make any time for our marriage and family. She didn't even consider working on it. Within 2 days she had moved out and it's been over ever since.

This June would have been our 3rd year back together and 13th overall. We have 2 kids, 10 year old daughter and 5 year old son. It's crushed them but they are still happy for the most part as far as I can tell. I have full physical custody and joint legal custody. She will start paying child support when it's final.

That's the other thing, she's choosing her job, social life and boyfriend over the kids. Didn't even ask if she could have full custody. Handed them right over to me. I would've taken her to court if needed, but she wants out that bad. Which is fine with me... I want the kids to love her and to feel loved by her, but she isn't always good with them or for them IMHO. Not a bad mother, but not as dedicated as she should be.

Anyway, I have plenty of reasons to be glad it's over and that it's ending quickly. My head knows she will never be the person I thought she was. I was wrong about her. And I know I'll be happier in the end by not being in a relationship with the type of person who can hurt others so easily.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. And it does hurt. The rejection is crushing and there are times when I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I hoped that since I went through this 5 years ago I would handle it better. And for the most part, it's not as bad as last time. But when it creeps up on me it consumes me. It's impossible to work or concentrate. I feel like bursting into tears every couple of days.

I'm not worried about myself a year or two from now. I believe by that time I'll feel much better. But right now, my circle or friends is tiny, my self confidence is wiped out and I don't feel like starting my new life over again. There is a lot of hate in my heart, not directed at her really... more at both of us.

I know I have to find new things I enjoy, but I don't have the time or energy because of this stress and because I work all day and then care for the kids all night. I could guilt her into keeping them more or use the babysitters more, but I can't appear to be more concerned with my social life than being there for them. I never would put anything in front of them, I'm afraid of just appearing like I am.

I've got to get myself over this in a hurry. And I know that's probably impossible... but I have to for the kids. I can do everything for them that I normally do fine, but I'm not doing it happily. It's sometimes like a chore, a constant reminder of how different things are now. Not completely different since their mother works long and late hours so I was the one caring for them anyway. But it's hard to be the happy and loving daddy they've always known and I don't want to be anything less than the best for them.

I just don't know what to do... Should I see a professional? Should I force myself to go to Divorce recovery self-help groups? Should I force myself to go out and try to have fun?

I just want to feel normal again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And to top it all off, my x-father-in-law is having heart surgery next week. He doesn't think he'll make it according to my x. He's been closer to me than my own father for the last 15 years. This is just unbelievably bad timing. My x-in-laws, my kids and myself are still hurting badly from the divorce. And now we could have a very very bad family crisis on top of everything else. Hoping for the best of course, but I have to be prepared for the worst. I'll be there for my x-in-laws any way I can, but she'll be there too. I've got to deal with that no matter what. She's already asked me to be at the hospital. I have to be stronger for my family's sake. I can't let my feelings towards her affect how I handle this situation. But OMG, how can this happen now? It sets me back when I just see her for a minute or talk to her on the phone. How am I going to deal with being around her and possibly comforting her?

Oh well, guess I just have to take each day as it comes and try my best.

Sorry for the long post. Trust me it could have been much longer.

Thank you for reading and thanks in advance for any advice.

Yikes! I wonder if she will want to remarry again? I hope you will try to have a good life without her. It sounds like you need some boundaries. She needs to know that she can't keep doing this.

But I do admire you for being there for your FIL.

I'm not sure she's rejecting you so much as grown up married life. After all, she's married you three times.

You know what? It's okay to be sad in front of the children. Children need to know that there are times in life when we are sad, but that life goes on and we become happy again.

What's really important is that you seem to be functioning. If you start to get depressed, and stop being able to function, you'll need to get some help. BTDT, got the tee-shirt.

Next, friends. I too have a tiny group of friends. Most of my friends are married and as a woman alone, I'm not really desirable at dinner parties or such events. Sooo... I have MB!!!!

And then, to prove to myself I'm not a total loser, I got out about one night a week to a restraunt. I sit at the bar, eat a salad, drink a glass of wine and read my book. The book is the key. The book says, "I'm not here to find someone to go home with." I've ended up talking to a bunch of different people. They haven't become my friends, especially since I try different restraunts for fear of being labeled a bar fly with a book. But, I feel human. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Church and school are always good places to strike up friendships.

Or take a class. Learn to do something you always wanted to do, but couldn't. It's good for the self-confidence as well. I'm learning to knit. I've also spent more time skiing in the last two years.

I'm so glad you have custody. I hate to say this but your X sounds like a complete flake. Three times? She is unreliable.

My prediction is in six months you will be relieved beyond belief.

You know, it may be a good idea to limit all contact with her to discussion about the children. Preferrably via email.

I want you to get over her as quickly as possible. And we all know the best way to get over someone is no contact.

Thanks for your responses.

Yes I believe she'll want me back.

Going by our history of about 15 years... within the next year she'll lose her job, she'll break up with her boyfriend, date as much as possible, find that she can't fill the void, start missing me, start iniating contact, try to draw me back in.

That's what the pattern has been our whole relationship. The things leading up to what have happened this time are identical to previous experiences.

I have to be the one to break my pattern of not getting over her and taking her back when she's at rock bottom.

I know that her problems are already starting. Her bar is close to shutting down and her love life might not be as perfect as she wants. At least I know she's dating other people as well as Mr. Everything.

I was told last night that when she had the kids last weekend, she brought them to eat at a place where the last OM currently works. The kids met him and he sat w/ them for a while. That makes me sick. Should I be ok with this? I know it's legal, but is it moral?

And whether she still has the same job or not, she's about to have to start paying a lot of money to Child Support. So her perfect world she's created is about to be shaken a good bit.

She's so emotional, I know she'll crash again. Maybe she'll prove me wrong, I hope she does. I'm just afraid of not being over her when she does and then me entertaining the idea of a reunion.

The no contact thing would be great. Once it's final, I'll be better able to put up solid bounderies.

Anyway, thanks again for reading and responding. It does help.

Well I asked her today if she'd limit her calls to me for anything not critical. I asked her to not "just drop by" to see the kids for a while, unless there's a good reason. I told her she could pick them up and drop them off whenever she wanted though. But of course the first thing she said was "you're holding the kids from me!" I assured her and re-assured her that was not the case. I told her if she felt like I was holding them, then of course she can see them whenever... but only if it's really necessary.

I think I've convinced her that I'm not keeping them from her... which I'm not. I didn't want to let my guard down, but I told her that it takes too much out of me to see her and I had to limit myself to as little contact with her as possible. She of course doesn't care what it's doing to me, but I think she understands that it's in the kids best interest that I get over this quicker. She just doesn't like the inconvenience, she couldn't care less if I'm miserable or not.

She wasn't happy about it, but unless it's important, she won't contact me except through email or leaving a message on my phone. We didn't discuss it but I'll get the kids to still call her every night.

The ironic thing about her accusing me of keeping them from her... she's off all day today and not once has she asked to see the kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />