Lots of people on this list are aching to date again, and not wanting to be alone. Is there anyone else out there (besides me) who is NOT in that boat?

Maybe I'm a freak, but I really have no interest in dating. I don't think I'm vulnerable to getting hurt because If anything, I'm more likely to reject a decent offer than be hurt by the wrong person.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is this just another one of those divorcing phases?

I'm actually surprised by this, because I was thinking about my future (with someone else) before I moved out, and NOW that I'm on my own, I suddently can't imagine wanting anything else. So, that's what a true '180' is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"Hardened"

"Calloused"

It's not unusual. Some heal. Some don't.

Or maybe just..."tired"

I'm an o'l timer that rarely posts anymore, but this caught my eye. I still read and try to keep up with some of my MB buddies. Anyway, I'm one of those divorced who is not dying to date right now.

Granted I've been through that phase so yes, I think it is just one step in the process of moving on. I read people say all the things I said, to a T.... "just want companionship", "lonely:, " have an opportunity or tickets to an event etc and no one to ask", "miss human touch", "miss conversation and belonging somewhere", etc, etc... It's funny that although people on this board vary greatly in age, experience, religious preference, lifestyle, etc, we all have a common theme. We are human and we desire the company of others.

My " have to date" stage started early as well. I was overwhelmed with the loss of not only my husband on a day to day basis but my best friend. My soul needed to replace him. My heart unfortunately nor my brain was ready for that.

Many o'l timers may know this story from 2 + years ago, but I developed a strong friendship with a fellow MB'er, several 100 miles away. I leaned so heavily on that relationship that it was holding me back from reality. At the time, I thought it was reality and it felt good to chat with someone who understood, someone who was smart, someone who cared about me.... All the classic symptoms of me being needy.. I didn't see it at the time... I also tended to rationalize away this person's drug use, lack of ambition, refusal to work, basic " I don't give a rip becauseI didn't want this so I'm not responsible attitude" and other negatives. Don't get me wrong... to this day I still think about this person and wish him the best. He is one of the smartest people I ever met. However, he also allowed his divorce to ruin him and I almost got sucked into the same pattern. We no longer write but I will be forever thankful for that period in my life. I learned a lot... I learned more abouthow to make friends, even on line ones, work. I learned some boundaries and how not to rationalize everything. I guess I tell this story just as a response to some other threads that are going on about "friends during divorce". I know from experience that just because it feels good, it can lead to problems. Funny but I found a birthday card a while back that has frogs dressed up like saloon girls.. inside it says " JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN-CAN, DOESN"T MEAN YOU SHOULD-SHOULD....."

Anyway... on to now... I'm totally off track.. now I know why I don't post often LOL

In the past 2 1/2 years, I haved dated 4 guys. all 4 internet found. ( 2 from match.com and 2 from just general Yahoo conversations, not the personals)

The first I fell madly in love with but he was "not quite divorced". I tried to convince myself he was ready but he wasn't. Still miss him but because in his case, I think I truly cared about him, I wish him the best even though it's not with me.

2nd fellow was one of those " just want to have fun", someone to take racing, etc.. things.. Funny but he never wanted to GO anywhere. Thought a physical only thing with an occasional phone conversation was enough. For a while, i let myself beleive that too. Thought it was less complicated that way... then felt cheap and used. Not blaming him because I knew what the deal was and let it continue. Finally put my foot down and said thanks for the interest but no thanks.

This experience made me realize that being "alone" is better than being "with someone" just for the sake of being with someone.

Anyway, one guy is nice and still a friend but due to the other experience, I've learned how to keep it simple and friendly and not have unrealistic expectations.

Then along came the last one. We just started chatting online, not as a dating thing, and hit it off immediately. I thought I surely had found the one... He was everything on paper I THOUGHT I wanted. Problem was that I had no idea what I was thinking. LOL... As a friend he was great. Easy to talk to, funny, cared about me and the kids, well-read, liked to discuss politics, sports, etc... ( all the things my ex didn't).. I rationalized away that he didn't work, he had been disabled due to being bi-polar, that he probably was adicted to pain meds, that he was lazy and so physically out of shape he couldn't do things with me that I wanted to do. I was so starved for attention and belonging, I totally made up a new idea of what was right for me.

Ok, so this short story is too LONG>... anyway, after 3 months, I ended the romantic part of our relationship hoping that we could be friends but that isn't so. This guy that I thought cared so much for me has never spoken to me again. Last time I spoke to him was the day my beloved grandfather died last year.

Now a year later... yes, I'd love to have a good male friend to go to a ballgame with me or come over on Sunday to watch the race and cookout.. I'd love to be touched, held, told I was smart and could do anything, etc... BUT I don't NEED it.

I'm happy on my own. Things that I WANT and things that would feel good, aren't necessarily what I NEED.

It took 3 years to realize that. I've joined the gym, been forced due to office closure to make a career change, had my eyes opened from the experience of the past and will no longer settle.

My core values have not changed. I simply just won't ignore them anymore for a quick shot to the ego.

Yes, someday I want to date again. I enjoy male companionship. And I've learned what not to do...

at least for now. Heck, it's little league baseball season in South Carolina again.... I've got plenty to keep me occupied....

Best of luck to everyone. Love God, love yourself and have the upmost respect for both God and YOUSELF and things will eventually be ok. I don't think that God wants us to be alone but He does want us to be smart about our choices. I haven't been so in the past but I've learned from each experience, especially my marriage. I look forward to taking that knowledge into a new relationship one day, just not right now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PP

I was not "aching to date" as others are/were. The whole D thing was far to traumatic.
I rationalized it that I hadn't come across anyone who even remotely interested me.
So a year post D, I finally bumped into someone at a dance. A very nice gentleman who actually interests me. My friends are shocked that I'm interested in someone. Even they had given up on me. I just knew it would take time, and the right person.
I don't know if this person is LT, but having a caring, nice person around is a wonderful thing.
He doesn't understand all the D stuff, doesn't want to hear it and has no kids, but this is a great healing experience for me - for now.

My thoughts, take your time. Surround yourself with friends (healthy friends) and find pleasure in your life - not in another person.

Thanks for all your stories and input.

GnomeDePlume, you may be right about me being calloused and tired. I hope not hardened. But whether "healing" will help or not... the thing that worries me is I don't think I'm broke. Instead, I feel like I've woken up. It seems like I've had a shift in my life purpose (or something of that magnitude) that no longer includes wanting to live with someone else. I do want companionship - but I now believe it can (and does) come from lots of kinds of other human interactions, not just from a significant other. I don't want to put any more of my life on the back burner while I try (once again) to integrate myself with someone else.

pp - thanks for sharing your personal story. It must have been a painful, but beneficial, few years for you. Glad you have come out the other side in good shape!

and I should add that over the past 3 years, I've also had some MB buddies, telling me each time what my mistakes were. Funny how I didn't hear them then. Hindsight truly is 20/20. Then again, I figure a lesson truly learned by experience is gonna stick with me longer.

One of the reasons I don't post often anymore is because I so miserably failed to listen to others trying to help me. I know these emotions that people go through. I know how suddenly having the rug pulled out from under you feels. I know what's it's like to make mistakes and learn from them. These are things that I had to figure out on my own. Having someone throw up red-flags at me generally just led me to do whatever I wanted to do even more, without truly looking at the reality. 9 times out of 10, my MB buddies could see the reality when I couldn't. Looking back, I should have listened. Now I tend to listen more and look at the bigger picture and how my actions affect my entire life, not just myself.

I guess what I'm saying is that most people here try to help. That's the beauty of an forum like this. People disagree with each other and people support each other. Personally I've quit trying to "save" everybody from their ways as I've moved past a lot of the hurt and anger and I just don't want to re-live it daily. But I can say, much like Lost Husband did a week ago, everyone should be respectful and understand that people cannot always hear what others are saying clearly. We must be supportive and honest. Tough love is often hard but handled properly, a great way to show someone you care.

I'll slip off to read-only mode now...

Some years back I came up with a concept called "Stages of Enlightenment" that was oriented towards my workplace at the time. People were not understanding the significance of some new thing that was being introduced, and that started it all.

Anyway, "stages of enlightenment" is about people being in different stages of understanding at a point in time, and able to hear only those messages that fit the stage they are in. It means we shouldn't expect everyone to hear the same things, even if they hear them at the same time. It also means people might hear the message years later, or after xx numbers of times hearing them. They might even claim the insight as their own, long since forgetting where it originally came from.

We can't always tell what stage others are in when we try to help. I think your observations also imply we may not know what stage WE ourselves are in until much later, when we realize what we missed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Deja Vu:
<strong>GnomeDePlume, you may be right about me being calloused and tired. I hope not hardened. But whether "healing" will help or not... the thing that worries me is I don't think I'm broke. Instead, I feel like I've woken up. It seems like I've had a shift in my life purpose (or something of that magnitude) that no longer includes wanting to live with someone else. I do want companionship - but I now believe it can (and does) come from lots of kinds of other human interactions, not just from a significant other. I don't want to put any more of my life on the back burner while I try (once again) to integrate myself with someone else.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, this I can relate to. I have no desire to have a new relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, or to get married for the sake of being married. I know what my values are - what things are important to me - and I am not interested in "integrating myself with someone else" as you so nicely put it, unless I believe that doing so will more closely support what I believe I'm supposed to be doing with my life than if I'm operating on my own - and unless I believe that doing so will more closely support what she believes she's supposed to be doing with her life as well!

I just don't see the value in "dating." I never have, and maybe that means I'm broken, although I don't feel that way (any more). I like the freedom I have, and if I'm going to invite someone over for dinner, or out to lunch, I would rather choose someone whom I already know but want to know better, than choose a random stranger. Some of the individuals to whom I have issued such invitations - or with whom I have attended a movie or concert - happen to be women; and if that means I'm dating, then I guess I've done a little dating. But I don't believe that in a single instance any of the women in question have interpreted the purpose of the activity as an intentional assessment of romantic possibilities.

I have often heard people mention that it wasn't until they stopped looking that they found someone. I do not interpret that as "until they gave up all hope for themselves" or "until they decided they would be happier alone." No, I interpret that as "until they reached a place of wholeness where they found fulfillment in living their own lives without the need of someone else." It is that wholeness which attracts the "right" sort of partner, and it is the lack of that wholeness that warns potential partners to steer clear.

I started emailing a few guys off of a singles site online, that live by me. I picked a few that looked professional, were a little older and wiser I suppose on purpose. I knew it was wrong, I didn't want to date, so I told them I just wanted to email for now. I can't picture my life with any other man, I'm separted, havent' even filed for divorce. And we are going to counseling again next week, I've only seen my husband twice in almost three months. I have peace, alone with my little boy. I was single until I was 32 years old. My mom warned me, relationships are easy to get into, hard to get out of. She told me I had no idea how stuck I could get in marriage and life. She said I didn't know what it would be like to live with someone as controlling, a perfectionist like my husband. The writing was on the wall, this marriage has been very hard on me. My mom was right, I didn't know. I felt so stuck, tried to leave him several times, our fights got worse and worse. Now I know I can go back to being single, but it'll be a different type of single. Back in the old niave single days I was always dreaming of meeting a guy, settling down, having a family even though I'd sometimes tell people I liked my independence too much for that. I'd traveled and ran a company, was very strong. My husband made me very weak, I allowed it. I lost a lot of myself. I lost my spark and love of life, it's starting to come back lately and no man will ruin it. No man will bring me down again. So I'm with you, I don't really want to date, I keep emailing a few guys and maybe it's not fair - just to know there's life out there I suppose. I havent' told them enough about me that they'd figure out where I live or the business I run. They both gave me their numbers, I haven't called. I dont' want to. Guess they'll go away with time as they'll want to meet me. I'm not ready, won't be for a long time. Perhaps if they want a friend, fine. One of them that is. I think men tend to remarry quicker then women, stats say so. I used to think it was because women had a harder time meeting single men, now I don't think so. I think women typically want time to heal, want to access their lives more then men, have the strong need to do that, especially coming out of a relationship that was more abusive. Seems that it's better not to need a relationship or you'll fall for the wrong one. I did that once, I thought I should get married as I was over 30, wish I'd listened to my mom but at least I can pass along the advice, always remember relationships are easy to get into, hard to get out of. Choose carefully. Don't marry or even continue to date seriously unless you are feeling at peace with the relationship. You can get stuck, very stuck. And hurt, very hurt. Perhaps what I missed the most was, to find someone spiritual, who believes, who's deep and caring. Now I know what a truly selfish person is about, not a fun person to be married to. Next time I'll look for values, and I won't be so shallow myself. Yes, if there is another marriage, it'll be a very different one for me, and for you too from what I read about you. I don't think either of us will go down this road again, but I wish for you and myself that we don't harden, that we can stay open and not miss a good relationship when it comes our way. I once read that we can have a man support us, love us, we can lean on them, put our head on their shoulder for support... but keep our eyes open. I closed my eyes and I wasn't getting real support anyways. That's why I fell. My eyes will be open the next time.