Things haven't been very good lately.
FWH and I fight too much, I decided to call it quits and he agreed.

I am going to IC next Monday... I am so messed up, I don't even know what I want from the counselor. I am weepy, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work and I lose my temper quickly.

FWH is unable to give emotionally... that is my main problem. He says he loves me, wants the marriage to work, but keeps at a distance. I'll say that my anger at his absence from this marriage has been too overpowering for him to take, that is why he left.

I don't know where he stays, I don't know what he does, I can't reach him after office hours. I am tired. I am done.

I only know of two counsellors in my town. There are probably more, if I go to the hospitals. Should I give both a try before I decide on one? They are both expensive and very hard to get an appointment. My appointment on Monday-- she's quite a woman, pro-feminist and all that. I am not sure if I am comfortable with that, but I need to talk to a professional to help me through this.

R

You've described the symptoms of depression. Have you also lost alot of weight quickly? There are tests you can take on the internet to diagnos depression.
A counselor can help you, and you'll know quickly if the one you see is right for you and can help you.
Don't be surprised if the counselor or your doctor suggests ADs (anti-depressants). Many of us have found them useful through the stressful periods following separation. Hopefully, yours is only situational depression and working with a counselor will help work through the feelings.

Crying is good, it means that you are feeling emotions, and are out of denial stage. Feeling is a step toward healing.
Good luck.

Hi newly,

I lost some weight when FWH left, but I've gained it back since. I am looking forward to Monday for my session.

I feel nothing, my mind is blank. Thank God for friends, a girlfriend called up yesterday and we went to watch Disney on Ice. Otherwise, it would've been another boring night in front of the tv.

I just don't want to do anything. Everything seems like a big effort.

Yesterday (Sunday) was bad.
I needed company, and almost, almost called FWH for dinner. It took so much NOT to. And I didn't. All that saved me was good tv programs and I held on to the belief that I was going to IC today and everything would be alright.

And it was.
She did a good analysis of FWH's character, and said, it's very hard to change the core personality of a person.

That I deserved better.

And I have nothing to hold on to.
And that I am holding on to the person he used to be more than a decade ago. And that person has left.

We also talked about what I should do this year-- my drawings. She would like to see me exhibit this year. Yes, I would really like to do that. Why? Coz I could and FWH couldn't... it's something that I could do that would make him 'envious'.

I feel better today, mainly just putting myself into my work and I liked my IC session.

I haven't spoken to FWH for almost a week now.
I haven't been answering his calls.
He called today, and I 'bravely' told him if we are divorcing, it doesn't make sense to see each other anymore. This is a huge one for me because I always give in.

I don't want to get entangled in a merry-go-round with him anymore. I was always there for him, but he can't give me the affection I so badly need.

Tomorrow I will call the lawyer.

*PS I didn't get out of bed till 4pm Sat afternoon, and it felt good.

R,

Sounds like u got pretty much the same advice I did when I started IC. U can't do it alone, u deserve better, D is the best way to go.....

I am sorry u find yourself in this situation, I know how u feel, it can get so lonley u find yourself wanting to be with your H even when u know u shouldn't.

I pray u find the strength to not take his calls or see him - it only clouds things, and that IC will continue to help u start living for yourself & moving on if it comes to that point.

B, thanks for your response.
Thanks for helping me understand what I will go through and 'need' is not unique to my situation only.

I confess at times, I have been lazy in rebuilding my relationship with FWH. I wish I did more in the past two years, during our separation. At the same time, I am afraid that doing all the work in our relationship will make FWH take me for granted. I held back from doing more because I feel FWH doesn't deserve more than what I have already given him during our marriage... but on hindsight now, I realise how empty his love bank must have been.

It's hard to move on knowing I haven't done my best.

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>