What in the world do I do? My H called last night and we talked for 2 hours...he doesn't know what to do...he is confused...one minute he wants to come home...he is afraid things will go back to the way they were...he is not sure if he still loves me...his head is telling him to come home and his heart is telling him to do something else. And then he kept asking me...Do you really think we can make it? I kept saying yes with therapy and only if we both try.

Then 2 1/2 hours later he says I am not coming home I want a legal separation. I said okay come tomorrow and get your stuff and we will work out visitation for our D. He said no tomorrow was not good for him. I said I will call your boss myself that I have been waiting to work things out with you for 4 months and I ready to work on it or move on.

He then says I do not know what I want!?! And then tells me he wants to give us a try. I told him he had to agree to therapy and I could no longer handle this roller coaster he said he understood..and then said Goodnight sweetie I love you.

Now what am I suppose to do? I am so confused? He has admitted to depression that he is not happy with anything, job, home, his new apartment. He said he thought if we moved on he could find happiness that is why he asked for the legal separation. It is like he wants to give up on us but doesn't want to let go. Now what do I do?

Hi, sorry that you are going through this.

It sure does sound like he is confused. The roller coaster seems common in these situations.

One minute, I call my wife and leave a msg letting her know how much I love her. The next, I send her an email making her feel guilty about how terrible I feel because of what she did.

I wish there was a way to know how I would feel next year at this time, but I don't even know from minute to minute.

" He said no tomorrow was not good for him. I said I will call your boss myself that I have been waiting to work things out with you for 4 months and I ready to work on it or move on."


Let me try to say this gently...

If you truly want to work this out with your husband, stop threatening him. Stop trying to control him and his decision and actions. I guarantee you if you back off, let him do what he wants, be who he is, he will come back and try again. I'm not advocating you allowing him to use you. You need to go on with your own life and begin to create one without him. Don't wait for HIM to make the decision. You have just as much choice as he does!!! Be strong. Be confident. Don't you see, if he comes back because you threaten to tell his boss, he isn't coming back for you or for the right reason. He needs to see that you will let him go and still be fair.

Destroyed Man,
Thanks for the reply...I am sorry for the turmoil you are going through.

Lovedalot,
You are correct I pushed. It just has been a hard 4 months for me. You see my H is upbeat one time and down the next. This is the second time in two week he called wanting to "talk". Each time it is the same thing last Friday he said he did not want to come home...I said okay come get your things he said...and then I am not sure. So I know I spoke out of anger Wednesday night. You are right back down, listen, and take care of me.
L&H

lonely... I feel a lot like you. My wife seperated from me last saturday. She says the exact same things your H does. I agree that you need to try to back off and the demands for working it out. But it's very hard to keep emotional and rational thoughts seperate.

Widget,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Keep up the work on yourself. Even with your wife gone you can still work on yourself.

You are right...when my H first left I had a hard time of not calling...the first few calls were me begging him to come home. Take it from me this does not work. But I will be honest and tell you it is very hard to sit back and be patient and understanding...it is hard not to feel like a door mat all the time.

I am here if you need to talk...good luck.

How are you doing Lonely? I hope you are focusing on youself and not trying to control your husband. If you haven't done so, go to the bookstore and find a book or two on how to cope with infidelity. I know this is a hard time for you, but you have to reach down deep inside and find the strength and courage to do what is best for you...without him. He will see that and respect you. Respect is akin to love. What about you suggesting a 4 month "coolng off" period whereby you don't speak, email or contact each other at all? That will give you both plenty of time to decide what you want.

L&H,

We corresponded w/each other about 4 months ago when we both started on this roller coaster ride. I've mostly been lurking, but have been following your posts hoping things work out for you.

I am totally w/you when you said in the beginning you were begging him to come back. Me too and yes it didn't work. I felt so helpless and needy, but as time went I learned to let go. I decided to not put my life on hold and do more things for myself and son. So now H is calling me and saying where were you guys? What'd you do last night?

It wasn't until I told him that as much as I value our marriage and would love to have him be my H it is his choice to decide I have no control over him. I do not want him to come back out of guilt or to be a family for the sake of our S. I want him back to be a happy family and if he wants that the door is open. If not I am moving on at the end of this month. I know it sounds more like an ultimatum and goes against MB, but I truly believe sometimes people need a little nudge. And honestly I have enough of this ride. Now he is hinting at wanting to come home. So hopefully soon I will have H back. If not I will have to move on. I know I can't close the door at the end of the month, but in my mind I feel better about it.

My prayers are w/you. I can honestly say I have never been through anything as gut wrenching as this.

Sulliv