Just a quick bkg..2 years ago, I first signed my little boy up for soccer games. I was newly separated, the quintessential "soccer mom". I took him to all games when he was with me and the majority of all practices. Only time was my xh not allowed at my son's games was during the time the restraining order issued by my county of residence was in effect...he was not allowed within 100 yards of me. I have never made any stupid demands of my xh over the last 2 years with regards to his being my son's father either...I would never try to undermine him as a father and never try to have him excluded from my son's life.

Fast forward to this last fall's soccer season. Xh had married ow. The other parents on the team, were keenly aware of this...even though nobody ever said a word to him negatively. Some parents knew my xh from when I lived with him in old subdivision btw. So it was common knowledge, despite my never even saying a word about it, that he'd left, cheated, and remarried b/c his gf was pregnant. Needless to say he was not "team dad of the year" in the eyes of other parents. He was not made very welcome but that was because he OWNED his shame. He felt it and never tried to be nice or kind to another parent. And these other parents are nice people. Had he tried, I doubt they would have been anything but decent to him. And I didn't know the other parents very well, but I was always noticed when another child scored, and as I was taught, it's nice to be supportive...

My son ended up getting best offensive player last fall on his team. He was and is good! But he learned soccer in my front yard. I stood out there, reading a silly book on soccer rules, and learned the game with my son...we practiced together, and it was never pressure..Just fun.

On the other hand, my xh is a narcissist and is somebody that is and can be very pushy and demanding. When it was apparent our son was good at soccer, at the last few games of the 04 season, he would stand on the sidelines and verbally "coach" our son from that sideline. I found it very annoying and irritating. Think the coaches found it irritating as well. Whenever my son would score a goal, he would automatically look at me, and give me the "thumbs up" sign. It was a little thing special to my son and I. My xh on other hand, said it was disruptive and that my son was not keeping his mind on the game if I would even so much as bring him a water bottle...or say "way to go" to our son. Meanwhile, before games, he would take son off to side, talk sternly to him, and basically tell this little boy to be ruthless on the field. Not my style at all..but then again, my xh isn't exactly my style of person to be around.

Now: Xh did not consult me first and signed up our son for a competitive league soccer league. It's his first truly competitive league. My son is in kindergarten and is six. My son's first practice is this saturday morning. Today I received an email I will share with you from my xh. It made me tear up and feel lower than low. My son is my greatest joy in life. Being blessed enough to watch him score, feel pride, and feel good about himself is so much more than I could ask for. My xh demands in the email that I not go to my son's practice b/c I would "distract" my son somehow...in x's foggy mind perhaps, but not in reality would I ever do it. He then says he wants my son to get to the practice at least 30 minutes earlier, because he wants to "warm up" my son for his first practice and basically says that it's not my place to be there for my son anymore.

Now I can take alot of things. But not this. My xh is a perennial cake eater who wants to get his way about all things. I phoned him briefly after receiving this electronic piece of garbage to tell him that no, I do not agree and will not comply. I did however say that I would be happy to bring our son to the practice early, and that if it would make him happy, as a father, to give our son some practice tips, then so be it. That I would stand back a little and just let him help our son.

My xh send me this trash b/c last year he was feeling "left out" by the other parents who didn't find his actions or behavior decent or the norm. Other people don't put up with my xh's behavior. His feelings got hurt last year because he thought everybody knew his dark secrets...and he thinks now that this new league, several miles further away than old league, may give him the chance to not be viewed socially as he was last year and the year before...around other people who again...were not told by me ever...what he did.

I can't believe the arrogance of it.

It's not because my xh wants to see our son succeed, it's because he now wants to CONTROL OUR SON ON THE FIELD. The man is harsh, controlling, and manipulative...if you folks could have only seen how much pressure he put my son under last fall. Between his "talks" and verbal assaults from the sideline with all his "knowledgeable" coaching tips, you'd think his dad was David Beckham...not so...although Beckham cheated just like my xh did.

Here's the copy of the electronic trash sent to me today:

Peach,
I would like to come by your home Sat. morning drop MD's things off with you and take him to his first soccer practice. I'm not wanting to reduce your role, it's just a father son thing. This is his first practice on a new team that is going to be competitive and I would like to pick him up around 9:45 and warm him up at least 30 minutes prior to his actual practice starting. I would bring him back immediately after wards. I just think it's going to be to big of an ordeal with us both being there and (son), want be able to focus like I want him to. I really hope that you will understand. If we had a little girl and it was her ballet or dance lesson than I wouldn't think twice about doing it for you. Please call me if this is not acceptable. I already have him some new practice soccer clothes and shoes.
Thank you and hope your week has improved,
Jethro
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ok. I phoned JEthro. He was his usual cake eating self. If you disagree wtih him, he is disrespectful and ugly. It's always his way or no way. And i am always having to be tough and emotionless right back to him. HIs analogy about having a daughter and ballet is not even comparable...my dad used to take me to my baton competitions (I was nationally ranked when I was little and so was my sister) and to our cheerleading competitions when I was a teenager. My dad and my mom went, but my dad was very special to me...being an encourager. So I know that you don't have to be male or a female to be a supportive and loving parent of a child involved in any sport. You just have to care.

How would you guys act on saturday? Should I just stand back and let jethro do his thing so he won't blow his top? When I called Jethro, he said "now you need to understand...I have bought special expensive equipment for him..this is a competetive league...he's got to get good. He can't have both of us there distracting him." He bought a six year old very expensive soccer gear. Now who's ego is this for anyway? Any guesses?

Hmmm. I don't distract anybody. I let the coaches coach our son. It's their job. And I clap and cheer when other parents are clapping or cheering. I think it is more disturbing to see me, see me there at the practices and games for my xh. Somehow I think his greatest fear is that he will lose our son...that is, his son will not do as he wants him to do..or that our son would be one of the worst players on the team or something. But deep down I think it is about pure control...over both my son and over me. He hates it when people ask him personal questions "are you two divorced?" and things like that...plus I know his new W is very insecure...last fall, she decided to not go to any games. And she would constantly phone my xh's cell when he was at the games. I think maybe somebody has insecurity issues...if she only knew I am not interested in her husband...and only cheaters worry about cheaters. Not my problem.

Ideas? Do I just go to practice and do as I did before? That's what I am thinking of doing as of today.

You would think after being divorced for a year, already remarried and a dad again, that this man has enough people in his life he can control...apparently not so. When is this guy ever going to stop being this way? All I have wanted is to be respected as a good mom. I request nothing more of him than I do a stranger on the street...decency. Again, I do not say such things to him and try to make him feel less of a father...even though he's a complete jerk who for all practical purposes never spent time with his son until it was convenient for him to do so after our separation...he only began trying to really spend time with our son when his new w/ow came into picture...he so tried and is trying to make her think he's father of the year.

If he tries this stuff with her xbf, (ow's son's dad), he's gonna get the crap kicked out of him. I'd love to see him try and say that to her xbf...and oc's dad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

YOU, Ms. Peachy are HALF of the Equation here. He has NO right to deny you the right to go to his practise - that is like telling homeslice to not go to the regular practices and games you son has bene playing in all along.
Do NOT cave in to his BS. Go there to the practice. Do what you normally do. After all, it is YOU that has Primary Physical Custody and it is YOU that did not cheat and bust up your home.
Give him that 'Thumbs Up' - make sure he has that water bottle! And if your ex does not like it - tough. It's a FREE country and you can do whatever you see fit in the BEST interest of your son. It is WRONG to suddenly change all the rules of what he's used to in practice and regular games as well and him being SIX years old - what the hell does your ex think your son is anyway, a ROBOT?! He still has not learned anything about raising a child up the right way..
PS - Tell him to kick a field goal for all of us! We're rooting for him!!
Peace,
Sauron

Thanks...I will hope for the thumbs up sign from little fella !

Oh...we do have joint custody...about 60/40 split...he didn't have near that much until he decided it was too expensive to 1)get remarried and have ow and 2)have to pay for us (son and I)...was a move all about cs and ss...he wanted us to get very little basically.

I've been good about most of this stuff...I do not converse with him...but we talk about son and I encourage him to do stuff with son.

Got email from xh...it was only 1 line...was subject line...said "jus.for recordIdidn't try to be mean at all or make u feel less imp..."

What a guy?

He does want that. I guarantee he wants to show up at practice and be the cool guy...bring son decked out in expensive soccer gear and get friendly w/the coaches...

For the last 3 years I've felt like the underdog guy from "dodgeball" and that my xh was like the guy who had the bad hair and the purple lycra outfits who owned the other gym....I keep telling myself this is nothing but mental dodgeball...after all..

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball" (or an xh if you try really hard!)

Be there. Take the water bottles. Give the thumbs up to your son. Cheer hard enough for all of us too.

And hope son says he wants to go play in the other league because it was more fun.

And give Jethro a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Or better yet, let his wife do that.

Go, Peachy!

How would you treat anyone who is making demands on you because of mental illness? Tell them to see a doctor and get on some meds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
that you are your son's mom and you will be there with the rest of the soccer moms cheering away - then assure the mental patient that your presence is not that you want to diminish his role as a father, but you will be there for your son, none-the-less! Because you won't have your role as a mother diminished just because the mental patient can't put his son's needs before his ego! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Think of it from your son's point of view: his mom has always been at practice with him, helped him learn to play, encourages him......you NEED to be there! He's only 6.

Jethro sounds just like my ex......it's all about show, not genuine caring for his son.

Peach:

H and I have been involved in competitive soccer leagues for years. 5 y/o is a bit young for a truly competitive soccer league but I suppose anything is possible. Regardless, this situation will have its own set of consequences where all parents are concerned. At practices and games, there is only one person in control and that is the COACH! Let this situation play out and it will only be a matter of time before the coach tells XH to back off. Furthermore, if he's warming him up for 30 minutes before games, at this age your son is going to be too tired to have a really productive practice.

You're wise to recognize that this is a control issue with Jethro. Let him have control. Don't buck him on it. The pleasure that Jethro receives is not in having control of the situation, but knowing that he's pushing your buttons and pissing you off. Don't give him the pleasure of letting him know that he is succeeding. I guarantee you if you replied, "No problem" rather than trying to wrestle control back from Jethro, he wouldn't have known what to do.

Peace.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong> Be there. Take the water bottles. Give the thumbs up to your son. Cheer hard enough for all of us too.


And give Jethro a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Or better yet, let his wife do that.

Go, Peachy! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh my. Hey Peach, give him a SECOND poke in the eye for me too, girl! Hell, he's already BLIND anyway, so that shouldn't make any difference...
We're THINKING about your son today... both in KoC and the rest of Middle-Earth... If you come back and tell us that he kicked a ball sideways and POPPED ole boy Jethro in the head, I think we'd all DIE OF LAUGHTER...
Sauron

Faith1960,

--H and I have been involved in competitive soccer leagues for years. 5 y/o is a bit young for a truly competitive soccer league but I suppose anything is possible. Regardless, this situation will have its own set of consequences where all parents are concerned. At practices and games, there is only one person in control and that is the COACH! Let this situation play out and it will only be a matter of time before the coach tells XH to back off. Furthermore, if he's warming him up for 30 minutes before games, at this age your son is going to be too tired to have a really productive practice.


TR--I was thinking the same thing. I'm not involved in soccer but I have seen it out on the baseball and football fields. Coaches here have been known to kick parents out of the stands for trying to take over the 'coaches' job even during practice.

A coach told one dad "if you think you can coach better than I can, here you can coach, ALL of them. Other wise sit there and shut up." The dad shut up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When the dad shut up, his kid actually started playing better, because he didn't feel as stressed out.

Parents are supposed to protect their kids from abuse, but sometimes it takes an outsider protecting the kids from their own abusive parents.

Just got back in from the soccer practice. There were equal moms there as were dads. X called my cell four times on way to practice being all antsy about me being there so early (field is not close to my home) and I just let the phone go to vmail. We got there on time, and I let his dad just do his thing. The man knows nothing about soccer really mind you. He just thinks his magic touch or exceptionally wise words will turn my son into a soccer prodigy.

He is in usual jethro form. He's come dressed differently this time. Usually in sweats, today he was dressing the "part" of the soccer coach. Shoes, rugby jersy like shirt, and shorts. I had on sweats and tennis shoes. And just like I thought, when the REAL coach asked for a parent to come and help him with a soccer drill (easy one but team was so large, he needed to break it down into 2 groups to do the drill) my xh jumped out there in about one second...next thing I know, jethro is out on field, putting kids thru drills and kicking soccer balls back to them...again, this man knows NOTHING about soccer. And after practice, he is standing next to the coach like he's the coach's assistant or something...while coach is giving out announcements. Bleeeech. But he knew not to push my son. I will not allow that. Son did well and he had fun. That was my only goal for son...to work on his skills positively, and have lots of fun. Nice parents on team too. And yes, in their one hour today, I think most of them figured out my x in one hour.

While son was out on field playing with other kids before practice, I was standing on sidelines by myself and jethro was about 10 feet away, but kept inching closer to me trying to talk to me constantly. It was wierd. One dad came up and another mom came up and started talking to us. They made some small talk and said "so..how many kids do you two have?" Jethro instantly replied "he's our only one." And walked next to me. I looked at this man, this alien, and said "well, don't forget you have a new girl now don't you?" I tell them sweetly he has a daughter who is almost one. It was soooo strange. Jethro had those people thinking we were together and that he had one child. Wierd. Then during the practice before he decided to "assist" the coach, he turns around with his arms crossed in front of me, legs spread apart like he's giving me serious advice, and says "our son is looking like he's been sick (well he has btw) and you need to make sure you have him in bed at the designated time". He said this like he was my commanding officer or something. I looked at him like he was on crack and said, look jethro, I am not here to talk about you or what I deem as any insufficiency. I am here to watch our son play soccer. (I was talking quietly in contrast to jethro being loud). The other moms and dads looked at jethro like he was well...the alien he is. Like "how dare that man talk to the mother of his child like that". When jethro jumped out there, in his soccer/rugby regalia, one dad silently snickered at him...I heard the guy.

After practice and after x got his little control fix on, he morphed back (can do this sometimes and it's wierd...gotta figure out which person you're talking to...my xh or jethro.) into somewhat of the normal man I had married many years ago..I am still astounded that he can change that quickly back and forth the personality and attitude. It almost is like he's got 2 personalities. Very strange. He apologizes and acts normal. It was a tad overcast and began raining and everybody starts heading to their vehicles. He and my son are running and he says "hey mommy...run up and catch up with us." So I run up and my son grabs my hand. Then x comes over to my car and brings over one of my little boy's remote control trucks and some toys my son left over there. While I am standing there, putting things in the car, he looks at me and apologizes again. Then he does the strangest thing....he says "now you two have a good weekend. Peach, try to relax, you've had a hard week. Take care. I love you guys."

What in the h#ll? I am standing out in the rain beside my car holding some toys and my mouth is so wide a small plane could have flown inside. I was completely bewildered.

I drive off with my son. Son's in backseat playing gameboy. I am just still thinking what in the h#ll? X calls cell again and says that he "forgot to give me my monthly payment and would I be so kind to drive to his house so he can give it to me?" I drove over there, as it was maybe 3 minutes from the field. Once again, Jethro just wanted me to see how great he has got it, financially that is. He's "downsized" from maybe an 900k house to a 500k house. Oh...I am sooooooo sorry? Think not. He walked out to my car and said "I am sorry. Here you go. What do you think of my house? Only temporary until the lakehouse is built. (bleeech) Have a great day and don't stress out so much...try to relax and have a good weekend together." I am almost barfing at this point.

My mind the whole time is thinking "what the h$ll?" I just witnessed him go from acting horrible to being decent in less than 15 minutes. My sis calls and asks how son did at practice (she knew how x was acting. I tell her all about son and then casually, in parental code (words we use to talk that our kids don't know about when we have to have adult conversations)tell her about what x said. My sis says it makes complete sense. "He on one hand does hate you...then what he really thought, flew out too. And that's why he treats you with such contempt and tries to lecture you, control you, at every turn. He's not the one ready to completely let you. YOU are."

Oh and my son did have 1 opportunity to give me the "thumbs up" sign on field.

I took son out to eat to celebrate his first practice w/new team and we had a blast. He fell asleep on way home and I put him down for a little nap a few min. ago. After I put him down, I turned on radio and did some online banking. Old song OMD's "If you Leave" came on. Was one of my favorite 80's songs. Me and my X used to love that song. Next thing I know, I am teary. Darn song made me cry. What dawned on me is this...I am over my xh. But I am still saddened by what happened. That's the part that's hard to get over. I know now I can be civil to him in public. I can be a good "co parent" and do the right things for the sake of my child. I can do all that with ease. What I felt today was grief. I recognize it as grief. Now, I can own it. I get it that my former M is dead and will never come back. And it's sad. None of it had to happen. But it did. Nothing x can do will change that.

Called sis again and told her..I have come to learn that this is good now. Grief is good. It's an end to the healing. When you grieve you're saying you are sorry but you have to let go. My dad's been dead now for 5 years. And I spent probably 3 years in heavy grief over tht...and my separation/divorce happened to coincide with most of it. My sis says it's a big huge step again to being completely healed. It's exactly what it was. I told her that I now felt the exact same feeling today that I felt after I buried my dad. I felt grief and closure. Very sad, but closure.

So at least I did what I had to do today for my son. And my son did good at practice but did not feel pushed by anybody. The coach is a really nice guy. He's easygoing and not like the other coaches I saw today. Some teams had as many as 3 coaches. This guy looks like the guy in Penn and Teller...the one w/glasses that it. Kinda overweight, jolly, big booming voice, but gentle. And silly. My son loved him. I don't think this coach, no matter how nice, will let anybody, any parent that is, push him around. I have a bit of peace about that now.

I'm going to take a nap now too. Good afternoon for it.

You're making me miss being a soccer mom ... our spring meets haven't started up yet. DD played last fall for the first time and really enjoyed it. At first XH didn't think she would 'stick with it' and then he didn't bother to take her to several of her very few practices before the season started. Wait, I mean he 'forgot' to take her. No one set his alarm for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

She is a good player. Not the best dribbler or shooter, but not afraid to run after a ball or get hit defending. Some of the other moms and I yell encouragement to *all* of the girls on the team. When XH comes he just sits or stands and watches, and lectures her when she comes in for a break. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

There is one mom who yells to her own daughter almost constantly and not always in an encouraging way. I'll be surprised if that girl wants to play this spring.

I am hopeful that we have a new coach in the spring. He was late to almost every game and the girls almost never had a warm-up beforehand or did any drills. Not that I want them pushed, but a few shots and some dribbling to get the blood moving wouldn't hurt. They don't even stretch. I think he was fair to all the girls (two were his) and everything, and I wouldn't want his job, but maybe he just had a bad first time experience.