My D-day was 11/29/04. My pain has grown considerably since then. I am regressing. I am trying as best I can to get over my Husband's Affair with one of his employees for almost a year. Since D-day he has made EVERY effort possible to prove his love for me. We are in individual and joint counseling. He is in a bible study AND a Christian support group at our church for men with sexual sin issues. He has changed things significantly with his job and work schedule. He is trying.

I however am trying too. I also belong to a bible study, do our counseling, pray daily and seek Christian counsel often from friends. I am STUCK. Our marriage counselor agrees with me that I am in pain much greater than most people who are 3 months past d-day.

Everything reminds me of his A. Every comment people make, every occassion that comes up. Even sitting in church will only remind me of how he sat in church with me EVERY Sunday for a year while he was having an A. It is all too painful.

I have considered seperation before, but wanted to try to work on things before we did that. I have tried and am feeling like it might be the only option to help me heal. I am afraid of hurting our 4 year old daughter (son is too young to understand). So I only want to seperate if it will help. I know that there is no sure fire solution to healing, but I was wondering if seperation helped anybody out there to heal. If so, can anyone offer me any advice on how to go about a seperation.

Thanks!

Godhelpme2,

Have you posted over on the recovery section? They may have some better insights over there.

Are they still working together? If so that may play into part of your pain, always wondering if the continued contact will start the affair back up.

God can heal your pain, it won't be overnight, but it can happen.

I don't mean to sound harsh here, but have you considered looking at the grace side of this?

Looking at your own sinfulness (no it's not the same sin as your husband) and seeing the choice your husband made in light of God's grace towards yourself?

I know for me, looking at myself through God's eyes, I was able to come to terms with things better. My h didn't have an affair with someone else at least not where I could 'prove it' however some of the signs were there. And he made other choices that were not conducive to marriage.

I had to look at some of my own choices in that same light, were they conducive of a happy fullfilling marriage? I had to admit they weren't, and with that acknowledgement before God and repentance on my part and Gods forgiveness, I found peace.

My marriage still ended in divorce, and I even found peace with that, and was able to move on.

Hi Godhelpme2,

I was just checking out some of your early posts on the Just Found Out board before I responded. Are you satisfied with the way the work situation played out?

I didn't read all of them, but it sounds as though although there were measures put in place to create "boundaries" on their relationship, that there is still contact.

If there is indeed still contact, of any kind, then I'm not surprised you still feel so raw and that everything around you is a trigger. You trusted this man. He lied to you for over a year. You probably feel as though your whole life was a lie because the earthly foundation upon which you based it (your marriage) seems to have been a lie.

No wonder your entire life continues to be a trigger. Add to that the constant fear that things will rekindle between them and you've got 24/7 fight or flight adrenaline rushing through your body.

Why do you feel separation will help you heal? Because you won't be confronted by him all the time? If everything around you causes you to think about it now, then do you think that not having to see him every day will make those everyday triggers happen less frequently?

I'll admit that separation is a nice place for personal healing. I have found I am able to focus on my own issues (marriage-related and otherwise) without the constant pressure of the A in my face.

But if you are both trying to recover (and he is honestly in this relationship) then in some ways it just delays the inevitable.

Is there any way you can take a break from this within the situation you have now? A personal retreat day? Time off during which you can just get a cup of coffee and read a book? A "personal space" where you can go and choose not to think about it?

Not sure if any of this is helpful. But just wanted you to know that I'm really sorry you're here.

Blessings,

Gris