I am angry. I am past being angry that my e-WH went and cheated on me and ruined our marriage. Past the anger from the fact that we are now divorced, and I am a single mother (something I NEVER signed up for).

I am angry that now the hurt he so easily dolled out on me, has now been dolled out on my children.

I AM MAD AS HELL ABOUT THAT.

My ten year old will break out in tears in a moments notice, lamenting how Dad never calls or visits. My 5 year old will matter of factly say things like "Our Daddy is too busy for us. He loves us, but he is too busy."

He volunteers to take long, extended out of town business trips, that separates him from our kids for WEEKS and MONTHS at a time. VOLUNTARILY. And doesn't get it.

He has been gone for a week and promised my ten year old he would be back today. PROMISED he would call. I called his home, his work, finally, on a whim, I called his hotel phone (the hotel he was NOT supposed to be at, the hotel he was supposed to have checked out of) and he answered. He was sleeping. At 4pm.

I asked him why he was not home. He decided to stay he told me. I asked him why he had not called. He had not gotten around to it he explained. I asked him if he realized the kids were counting on him to reconnect today. He said nothing.

I want this post to serve as my symbolic way of surrending all of this.

I have begged. Pleaded. Cried. Yelled. Written. Emailed. Called. And none of it sinks into to X-WH's teeny tiny little brain.

I explained to him how helpless I feel. I have kids on my end of reality crying, hurting because they feel abandoned by their Dad. And explained how nothing I say seems to help them feel better. I cannot seem to change it. I explained how nothing I seem to say to him about it seems to matter to him. So I can change what he is doing either. So I have to sit helplessly and watch him F#$K this up to!

He told me he feels helpless too.

Helpless to call? Helpless to visit? Helpless to love them? Helpless to make them first in his life, or even second, or third or, heck, even fourth????

He is missing so many experiences, voluntarily, with his kids, that he can never get back. They are building a wall up around them, to prevent the extended periods with no phone calls or visits from hurting them, that he will not be able to permeate.

I give up. I will not try to convince him one more time. I will not try to cover for him with my kids (making excuses as to why Dad didn't call when he said he was going to, etc). I am done trying to manage a relationship for him that he does not care about.

I wish sometimes he would just go away completely. I could deal with that better, deal with trying to help them get over him, get along without him, than this on again, off again, on again relationship he has with them sporadically, as an obvious after thought, during the times of year it feels good to be a Dad (like Christmas).

If you would have told me 3 years ago that this man would betray his wife and best friend of 10 years, abandon his children, and live a careless and lost life, I would have never ever believed you.

I have already learned to say good bye to this man...to stop seeing him as my husband. I am now trying to learn to say good bye to this man, that my children, no matter what he does, will always see as Dad. Even though he does not deserve the title.

J, you are dead to me now.

((((((((SerendipiT))))))))

Just wanted to say I know where you are coming from. The hurt is the most excruciating on earth. You have come far, and you are now realizing you cannot change or control him, even when he is being an absolute idiot and throwing his life away, and you want to know why and how could he do this to his precious kids.

I wish I knew.

I'm not quite D yet, but I can already see the writing on the wall. Fogman has abandoned us all, and his unreasonable, inexplicable abusive core blames me for everything. He is fogged beyond reason. The kids miss him terribly. Dang that hurts! At the same time, I am so happy. Not only happy to get rid of him (that's a given), but happy that I will be the one to share my children's lives. They will always remember that. He, too, does not deserve the title of father.

DipiT,

Wondered just the other day how you were doing.

I hoped for better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This stood out to me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want this post to serve as my symbolic way of surrending all of this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know this the ONLY thing you can do. Let it go.

I hope and pray that letting it go gets easier for you.....

Best wishes,
Ethan

SerendipiT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you would have told me 3 years ago that this man would betray his wife and best friend of 10 years, abandon his children, and live a careless and lost life, I would have never ever believed you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Change that statement to say "wife and best friend of 19 years" and it fits my situation exactly. We had problems, big ones sometimes, but I never believed he'd leave me. Not even after I found he slept with her for the first time.

I'm glad you're able to let go of the feelings of him as your husband. I still struggle with that from time to time.

But what they do to the kids is really just so sad. I'm fortunate that my kids are older than yours, so they are able to understand more of what is going on. But my daughter has only spent one night with her dad in three months, and he was drinking the entire night as usual. He was tipsy when I dropped her off. She tried to have fun...said they watched movies. But I know it kills her inside.

And my 18-yr-old son---his father hasn't even called him in months. They're in a standoff. My son is angry about what his father did and he refuses to meet the OW. My XH refuses to call his own son--says son will have to call him. And the OW (XH's fiance, now) basically has stated that if our son doesn't want to see the BOTH of them together, then he doesn't need to see his dad. And his dad doesn't have the b*lls to tell her he's going to spend time with his son alone.

So there you have it. He walked out the door on a 20 year marriage and two teenagers and is living an entirely different life now as a drunk in a run-down downtown apartment with a 26-yr-old and her toddler daughter, who now calls him her daddy.

And so many of the posters who have DV seem to experience the same thing with the spouse who left for the OP. It's like they just wash their hands of their entire life--like it never existed. They're in a whole new world.

And the x-spouses and kids are left to pick up the pieces.

LL

I feel exactly the way you guys do too. My exH is in the military stationed in Korea and he came home on leave and we had a long talk about him reconnecting with the kids calling, writing IM'ing, and for awhile it worked as soon as he went back over he was calling more and was attempting to write our son a letter. Needless to say the letter never got sent and now the phone calls are far and few between, he is always on invisible so we dont know if he is online or not anymore.

He talks to me online occasionally but it is always asking about me and how i have been and brags about going out and doing stuff snowboarding, barhopping whatever and cant afford to call the kids more often? He claims there is something wrong with the lines going out and that he is busy busy had alot of duty. Well if any of you know about the military you all know that 24 hr duty is pretty much sitting on your &%# all day so why cant he write them a letter or send them a card? He sends those stupid E-cards which to me are a lazy mans way of not going out and taking the time and money to buy one.

I dont know whether to go off on him or not. I tried to tell him nicely but he didnt take the advice apparantly. Sometimes I wish he would fall off the face of the earth so we can move on with our lives. How is a child supposed to feel when they only get to see there dad once a yr ( and he is perfect dad) then he ignores them the rest of the yr? How can you get them to understand what they are doing and be a better father not only financially but mentally?

Thanks for everyone's post.

Something I realize I wrote in my original post that I now feel ashamed of is my last line.

I have been studying the "Love Walk," as taught by Christian speaker, Joyce Myers.

As I continue to work on my Christian life, I begin to see how totally INEPT I am in all of this.

The angry, hateful, and bitter statement about him being dead to me was, while marvelously dramatic, very un-Christian of me. I am asking that God show me how to love someone who not only hurt me, but is actively hurting my children (and while the romantic love of our marriage is dead and gone, I know God still expects a measure of Christian love toward my xh). I am feebly trying to learn what I can from my loving Father in Heaven, if just a smidgen of that can rub off on me, WOW, imagine the impact it would have.

And so, I continue on my quest!

Ethan, how wonderful to hear from you. I am hitting the peaks and valleys in all of this! Stil clinging white knuckled to my faith, and hoping that I am in the end, better for it.

And still wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy.

Funny how that often feels like my xh.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DipiT,

Don't beat yourself up over things like that. My knowledge of scripture isn't very good, but I've been going to church for almost a year now, and I've picked up a few things along the way. I think it's somewhere in Phillipians, Paul says that he has "not arrived yet" (or something of the sort). Our pastor spoke about this when we went over Phillipians last fall. It was to show that none of us are as far along as we'd like to be. But I'm pretty sure you're pointed in the right direction <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I imagine that if you take a look at things big picture-y, you probably are better for it.

I know where you're coming from, as far as "failing" in my walk. It's tough sometimes. But most days, it's not. I've found my faith rewarding and comforting. I've also figured out that I'm not perfect <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I also agree that I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone....but I remarked to someone this weekend, that if this was only way to get me from where I was to where I am.....

....I'll take it.

Chin up, ok?

So, other than a foolish XH, how is divorced life (and life in general) been treating you?

Ethan

Ethan,

Sorry for my delayed reply!

Things have been, for the most part, pretty good. One of the good things I can say about divorce is I can make decisions, and do things my way, with hardly ever any compromise or negotiation. If I have a goal to pay off debt, and buy a townhouse, I can go about seeing it happen. I can watch what I want on TV (not that I hardly ever watch it, which is a decision all my own in and of itself), and generally speaking, do as I please. There is a great measure of peace in not worrying about getting along with your spouse (especially when you contrast this time to the HELL like period of 6+ months post d-day when I was in the Plan A that would never stop, with a part of my heart and soul dying away with each passing second).

I know if is human nature for many of us to seek new relationships, and I was guilty of that myself a bit at first, but now, I am enjoying just being by myself. I know that is what God is calling for right now. I like to think of this year as my "pruning year." This will be the time when God chooses to do some serious tune up work on this ole life of mine. I am expectantly waiting for God, in His own time, keeping with His promise where He says He will not give us more than we can handle, to show me the areas in my heart, my thinking, my behavior, my habits, etc., that need "adjustment."

I am reading a great book right now by Christian Author, C.S. Lewis, called the "Screwtape Letters." It is written from the perspective of a demon, named Mr. Screwtape, who is giving advise to his nephew on how to win souls to the "dark side." It is a satire, obviously, but it is amazing to me to see how easily we are distracted, how our pride gets in the way, how "satan's kingdom" uses the easy, simple things to separate us from God, with very little effort. Interesting book, although hard to get into at first, that really gets you thinking about your own walk, or lack thereof, with God.

How are you doing? I was sorry to see you were in the D process. Let me know what you are up to!

SerendipiT,

Give me his address!
I'll go show him how to be concerned for his kids!

Just Kidding.
It always bothers me to see fathers that end up not caring for their children. Mine mean the world to me.

Have your kids called him ?

I mean instead of you to ask why he didn't call like he promised.

If my kids say mommy was going to call but she didn't and ask me why. I hand them the phone and say "you can call her if you like"

WIWH

Things are pretty good for me, as well.

I guess I'm "lucky" in that, I don't have to interact with STBXW. I finally broke Plan B in October, after I found that she lied to her first OM's GF about thier A. She basically said I was just bitter about the D. That was the point that I realized that she was not (and probably never was) the person she was in my mind. I tried for a couple of months to get her to go to lunch, or grab coffee to talk about doing the D, working together. I was met with one excuse after another. I didn't mess with it during the holidays. Jan. 1, I send her a text message (as it is essentially the only way she would communicate) asking her what progress she had made on the D. She said she didn't have the time or money. She was telling me this while a friend of mine was three rows behind her at a college bowl game. We went through most of January with her "not having the time or money." I was pretty frustrated. I ran into OM1's GF one day, and told her the whole truth. I got to see the real nasty side of STBXW. A few weeks later, I contacted her again about the D. More excuses. So finally, I wrote the check and did it myself. I'm not 100% sure if it's final or not, but it should be soon. I'm happy I waited as long as I did, though, as getting to see the grossly immature, nasty side of her really helped me to keep the door closed.

You touched on a couple of things that I am quite familiar with, as well.

I too met someone, who I thought was pretty cool. It was late last year, and it was a little fun at first, but it didn't take me long to figure out that a.) I wasn't ready, and b.) this girl was not very sane. These were good things for me to realize....

I also have gotten very comfortable by myself. Every part of my day involves something that *I* want to do. I watch what I want to watch, eat what I want to eat, listen to music that I like, go where I want to go. For a long time I poured a lot of myself into STBXW, into "us" and left very little time for me. I must admit I really enjoy being on my own.

It's strange, because I'm starting to get to the point where I'm actually wanting/hoping to meet someone. But, quite honestly, I don't think I'd have time for anyone else, right now. And I imagine if I met someone that was truly amazing, I'd make a little time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm still working to improve me, my life, my future, but I think that is what I'm reconciling most right now. How ready am I?

At least I'll be able to do so slowly, as I'm not the most polished at this whole "dating" thing.

Ethan

Ethan,

Yep. I know what you mean. Not to sound condescending, spirtually superior, etc., but, I really got to see, from a front row seat vantage point, my husband's evolution into an evil, yucky, selfish, God-less person. And, in that light, it made it clearer to me that God must have something better for me planned.

I realized, when it came to being with other people, that I have some issues inside, from this D, and from earlier experiences, that require courage, reflection, and healing before I can love again. The realization that I am a loved child of God. The acceptance that I am worthy of love. And on an intellectual level, I told myself that I believed that, but deep down inside, my spirit was hungering for something more, and I had my doubts. There was this hole inside, this void that I wanted to deny was there, that I kept stuffing down, that I thought was hidden, but after talking with close friends and family, it was apparent to everyone else. I am getting to a place where I can have a balanced sense of worth, balanced sense of acceptance and love, and for the first time, a clear path of where I go to get it all, that REQUIRES more development before I can have a healthy relationship again. I need to get it seeded deep down inside of myself that I love myself in a Godly, balanced way, before I will be capable of returning that to someone else.

I laughed at your comment on the weiner dog. GO GET ANOTHER ONE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wish: I used to just have the kids call their Dad whenever they wanted to. But now that he is traveling, he is never in his hotel room, and he (get this) does not have a cell phone. So, if they get to talk to him, it is because he made himself available and called them. I am meditating a lot on that recently, trying to give up control and anxiety over that situation, since I cannot impact it successfully anyway. But, I hate to see the kids suffer! I love those little boogers so much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />