Hey All,

Deja Vu...

I'm going to give you my opinion on this... but keep in mind, I'm running with a real negative attitude at the moment due to my current circumstances.

Concerning your "H"... I don't mean to burst your bubble, but I would take what he had to say with a grain of salt.

He needs to do a lot more work than just that... I've seen this all before. A WS IMHO will say anything and do anything so as not to rock the boat... that is until they have enough guts in their spineless spine that they feel confident enough to make their move. You can take that one to the bank and bank it.

While your involved in this... trust no one... and I mean no one on this Planet, just go with your gut feel and let it play out for whatever it may or may not be worth.

As far as me breaking up with my G/F, and how do I feel?

I'm starting to develop a mindset, where I'm starting to believe that for me... long term relationships with anyone is a waste of time.

At this point... I'm thinking about going out and just playing the field... no commitments to anyone... I don't want any. Personally I think my last marriage put me into that type of a mindset. I'm personally scared to death of commitment at this point in time. I just like to come and go as I please.

I guess that's what 3 years of being single again will get you.


avondale...

To answer you question... I'm in theory available, but in my mind, I just need to break away from it all for awhile.

I don't want to commit to anyone... and it seems like when you meet someone... they want that commitment. I just want to take them out to eat or have some fun... I don't want to have to commit to any long term relationships.

I don't get it... why can't I take someone out for the night, without them wanting to get married right here and now?

Anyway... to answer your question... I have broke it off with her, and I can't remember how many times this makes it.

I'm finding myself loving her, but I'm not in love with her... are you following me on this one.

I'm at the point now, where I can probably walk away from darn near anything. (I'm thanking my exW for that mode of thinking).

Hey, my yards looking pretty good... we are getting a lot of rain... even though these Clowns we have for City Officials state we are in a drought, even though we are over 106% over capacity.

Politicians are like used car salesman.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

[color:"blue"]Wallace [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I have to agree with Avondale, tht statement has been made quite often. Are you sure about this. I do know tht even in the midst of the last three years and the GF that you have made mention of the fact that you thought your former was, for a lack of a better description, the first and the last.

During the last few weeks we have started a new Study or Group Discussion on [color:"green"] [/color] Single, MARRIED, Seperated, Life After Divorce by Myles Munroe. You might want to give it a read. I think I've decided to hang with the single thing for quite some time.

Not to mention that only in the last few weeks our OD has verbally expressed " Daddy, please do not get a girlfriend." Where did that statement come from? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I have no idea as it is not a subject that she and I have discussed in the last 12 months or so. But considering that she was the one who at one time stated that she did not care one way or the other if I did or did not I would assume something is up in her life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> More on that later.

Oh! The yard is looking great since that is exactly what I have just finished. Until it began to rain again.

[color:"blue"]Leah [/color]

Praying that all is well with you and the girls. All of you have come to mind quite often in prayers and just want you to know that all of you are being remembered.



[color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color]

I am so sorry about you weekend. As for your husband's email <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Does his actions match up with his words?

I know! It's a very confusing time where your emotions swing from one extrem to another. One day you have a thought a feel that you love him and could get through anything and the next thought makes you so angry you'd rather throw them over the edge of the Grand Canyon. I can say that two years from moving out my own thought have stabilized greatly. Unless of course I allow myself to dwell to much on What could have been.

[color:"blue"] Avondale [/color]

I tried to steal an icon from Yahoo but it got confused when it realized that Mozilla was my browser of choice. Sorry....

So how are things up your way? It's rained here every day since last Sunday and has just started again. But as i mentioned earlier, I did manage to get at least the front yard cut before it dropped.

[color:"blue"]So where hae I been? [/color]

Busy with work and the children. Which brings along with it an entire range of emotions and things to deal with.

First...

The former is still dating this new guy. Bad news is that our OD has a crush on his son. That in itself is not to bad but the former thinks it is cute and it also validates where she is. Since OD and son all get along with BF's kids it one big happy family.

So happy that the former thinks it is OK to have BF's son spend the night at her house. Me? Who is he spending the night with? Our son is better friends with the younger son, not the oldest. Surely not our daughter! But, needless to say he did spend the night and the entire next day (which allowed BF's son, OD and OD's best friend to be home alone) Gasp!

Why the gasp? I know what kind of trouble I got into alone with young girls, or at least tried to get into. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But based on several comments I heard from DS and YD the OD and I had to have a brief talk later that evening. It appears that OD's crush was making out (No, not as bad as the first thought that comes to mind) with OD's best friend while Mom was away. Of course that gave me the oppportunity to express my concern about this boy. OD had already grasped that concept and said he was "Gutter Garbage" since he knew that she liked him and he still made out with her best friend. In her bedroom no less.

As the conversation continued she later admitted that she also made out with him. I guess when she had mentioned the earlier version with best friend she might have been testing the waters to see how Daddy would react. Conversation went well when she discovered that while Daddy was disappointed she could speak honestly about what had happened and how she felt. I have to be honest...it was a struggle...but we managed.

So I have a Mother who is blind to what is going on in her daughters life, a daughter who has now had her first Kiss but is aware of the fact that it is her who sets the standard for how boys treat her. She spent the entire next week with me because she did not want to be around Mom's BF or BF's son.

And I took all three of them to Six Flags and White Water last weekend. It was a TOTAL suprise to the children and we had a wonderful weekend. Which of course brings us up to today. While at Six Flagsthe children and I had one of those Civil War photos taked. If I say so myself we make an awesome picture. The girls were beautiful and us men were quite handsome.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Today the former camm by to pick the children up. The picture is framed and hanging on the wall in my living room. Of course she noticed it but I was taked back abit by her actions. If at anytime during the last three years I felt she was even trying to be friends it might not have been as wierd but when she saw it she walked across the living room, took the picture off the wall to look at, upon finsihing returned it to its place and then looked at the other wall where the children and I had hung new pictures from the last year or so in several different frames.

I do not feel that we are friends, parents yes but no where close to friends. And I can assure you that I woud not walk into her house and just take stuff off the walls there. So? What's up with this. How many of you all would walk into your formers house and take stuff off the walls to look at?

Other that all that "Life has been GREAT!"

Hey Trusting Him,

I think you may have hit on something there. I'm going to give that a read... sounds like it might be right up my alley. there is something amiss here... and I think I might be the one throwing it off.

I think my exW was my one and only, as I really have no desire to start all over again. I'm enjoying being single, and I don't want any commitment.

After reading your post... what direction are you going to give your daughter, since her Mom is not to concerned?

Your former does appear to want it to be one big happy family... but I'm in agreement with your attitude... not like this!

Are you going to have a heart to heart about it all with your daughter, or is that all ready water under the bridge.

To answer your last question... ahhh, no... I wouldn't walk into someones house and pull pictures off the wall.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Geez,
I go out to dinner and when I get back there are multiple posts!

[color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] - I’m glad [color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] admitted he was in a negative frame of mind. Here’s my take on your H’s email...No, you didn’t overreact. But like Wallace said, you need to take everything H says with a grain of salt. That doesn’t mean you need to be rude, or mean. But it also doesn’t mean to believe EVERYTHING he says, either. Remember, you can never go wrong by taking the high road - listen to what he has to say, and whatever it is - you don’t HAVE to respond immediately. You can always say “I’ll take that under consideration and let you know.” I do think you have every reason to ask him about introducing someone else into your mutual circle of friends, though, after him saying he wouldn’t. At the very least, that is simply inconsiderate.


[color:"blue"] Wallace [/color]- you said:
It must be your considerable charm! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I hope you get that book [color:"blue"] Trusting [/color] suggested. Give us a book review!

[color:"blue"] Trusting [/color] - I was wondering where you were. Sounds like you’ve had your hands full. When I started to read about the former’s BF’s son (this is sounding like a soap opera!) and your daughter, I had a sinking feeling. I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as it could have been since her mother is obviously not paying attention, and I’m thankful you have an open door of communication with your daughter. One additional comment - it isn’t just her that sets the standard for how boys treat her. She also gets her standard from examples (you are the main positive one, probably) and other people of character (hopefully) she knows or reads about. So continue to pour into her all the positive things you can...I guarantee (and Wallace can back me up on this) there will probably be a day when there could no longer be a door for that kind of openness.
I think your former looked at the photo because it had HER children in it. And she saw that y’all had fun. And she wasn’t included. I hope it provokes her to think on what she’s lost!

OK, I’m getting cynical now, time for bed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]Relady, Leah, EC, and anyone else [/color] let us hear from you!

Hey gang,

Thanks to everyone for their input on my H. Some of you may be more cynical than others, but all are skeptical. I guess I should be too - you know, I don't want him back. BUT it's the first time in a very long time he showed (or expressed) any consideration for my feelings, or an interest in having any integrity.

I'm reading Safe People (again) - this book is SO powerful for me. The first time I read it I was thinking of how unsafe my H is; this time I'm looking at MY behaviors, and how they got that way. I'm realizing that my H was always an unsafe person, and I changed in many ways to compensate. I too became unsafe because I held back of myself in response to not being able to trust him. Now can I figure out how to use this in the future and only pick safe people? Maybe, maybe I'll pick no one, like Wallace!

[color:"red"]Wallace: [/color] I'm with you. I would LOVE to find people with your attitude to go out with and have fun, without commitments. That kind of "dating" I'm ready for. I do think you're a bit too cynical - but then, it takes one to know one! Hah!

BTW - as far as I know my H has not had any A's while we were together. He did say before we split that he was not going to ever cheat on me and wouldn't get involved with someone anytime soon. But I figured that only meant while we were together.

[color:"red"]Avondale: [/color] Your advice is wise and sensible. My H comes across as quite demanding and controlling at times - when I call him on it and refuse to drop everything to respond, he gets apologetic and backs away. Seems like I have to assert myself in so many words in order to be treated nicely.

Where are you at these days? What's going on with you? Seems like you're busy and you sound content.

[color:"red"] Trusting Him: [/color] That's a shame about the former, her BF and his sons. I almost wonder if your X isn't encouraging this - even subconsciously - to bring the kids more into her new life, or to make the point of excluding you from it. I just wonder. It's the cynic in me.

[color:"red"] Everyone [/color] - have a great weekend!

I'm having a patio put in today - so the area under my dog kennel won't be all mud and crud anymore. The guy who is going to put it in just called and is on his way. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I don't know which) I find him quite attractive and he's also a dog person! But, wrong place, wrong time.... probably not available anyway. It's kind of nice to have these thoughts again, even though I know I won't do anything about it. In fact, if he suggested anything, I'd run the other way.

Eeee Haw!

Major milestone for me - I got my lawnmower running and mowed the whole lawn. All 80 x 200 feet of it. I have been so stressed over this - I had actually hired someone 3 weeks ago to set up my lawn mower and mow the lawn. He broke it within an hour. He had decided to not put in all the oil - DUH! even I wouldn't have done that. Destroyed the thing - couldn't be fixed. So, he had to buy me a brand new lawnmower.

Anyway the new one sat there for days... while I was intimidated by the thing. Sat morning I finally plugged in the charger. Thankfully it required 24 hours to charge. So, I bought some more procrastination time. Today, with the last day of the weekend upon me and more rain in the forecast, I decided to just go for it. I did it quick, while the patio guy was still here in case I couldn't figure it out. But - piece of cake. I didn't need any help at all.

The morning started out early (would you believe 7:00 AM?) with someone coming by from the local electronics place to get my TV and sound system working together. Nothing was installed right on the original system in the first place - I've been living with it not working right for 5 months. Now I have a great system, with terrific sound from the TV, the DVD, and the stereo system too.

Oh yes, and the patio is finally done and in place too - and it looks great.

Ah, life is good!

Then H calls from his cell phone while on the road driving home from WI. I didn't answer it.

Ah... life is still good.

Hi Gang...

Just passing through and catching up.

Wallace - A breakup with your g/f??... I know what you mean when you say having the freedom to come and go without being committed or able to go out without - wanting to get married.

Marriage is a huge step especially after what you went through, however you must get free from your past hurt..
I recently found myself having hesitations of wanting to call people on there cellphone and preferred there home phone..(why?) because when exww was creeping, she always accused me of tracking her, when before d-day we always talked 3-4 times during the day.......So recently I found myself hindered from a stigma from almost 5 years ago. Soooo...some things you go through from the d-day period can affect your present lifestyle but you most break free.

Me - Just living life and having fun.

Hello - Avondale, Petvet, TH, Relady, Leah, Deja V, and anyone else I missed...you know who you are.

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"] EC [/color] [color:"blue"] - I'm glad you're back!

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"] Petvet [/color] [/color] - You haven't posted in a while. Have you been on vacation?

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"]Leah [/color] [/color] - What's new with you? I'm still praying for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"] Deja Vu [/color] [/color] - I know exactly how you feel - accomplishing just a little bit is exhilarating. It's nice to have things go the "way they are supposed to" after other things NOT going that way.

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"] Relady [/color] [/color] - How's business? Anything new to report?

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"] Wallace [/color] [/color] - I guess by now you're back with your G/F. Right or wrong?

[color:"blue"] [color:"red"]Trusting [/color] [/color] - What are your summer plans?

Hey All,

I'm at work so I'll have to make this quick.

[color:"blue"]Deja Vu... [/color]

Glad to hear that you got your lawn mower rolling and you got your lawn mowed. Simple little things like that can make your day. I was going to mow my lawn this weekend... but it rained all weekend long, so I'll probably get it tonight after work.



[color:"blue"]EC... [/color]

It's amazing some of the things that stick with us after D-Day, and then the "D".

I'm still carrying a lot of baggage with me still. I'm shaking most of it off as time goes on. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever shake it all off.



[color:"blue"]Leah... [/color]

How are you making out?

Let us know when you get a chance.


[color:"blue"]avondale... [/color]

I didn't break up with my G/F yet. We are still in the talking stages at the moment. I'm going up to the mountains this weekened for about 3 days just to clear my head... and then I'm going to probably go up to Seattle to visit my Parents fo about a week.

Maybe while I'm gone we can both sort out what we truly want out of this relationship.

As soon as I can get a little time... I'm going to get that book that Trusting Him recommended, and I'll let you you know what I think about it. I have a feeling that there is going to be quite a bit in there that will pertain to me.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi all! I have been absent a little while.

Avondale: How are you doing? It looks like you are settling in quite well.

DeJaVu: Believe it or not, I am a dog show person as well. As you well know, the dog show business has one of the highest divorce rates around. I'm not surprise that your H showcased his G/F in front of you. Many of the male handlers do it all the time. Many of them chase after the young girls. Your business is going to be all over the show grounds if you don't watch it. You may want to enter shows in other areas to avoid running into him. The problem is your show friends will be giving you a weekly update regardless of where you show. The main thing is to take care of yourself. There is no crime in reconsidering the D details. If you deserve and need more, go for it.

Leah: Stay strong. If you need to cry, cry your heart out. Concentrate on yourself then your kids. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of your kids.

Trusting: Hope, where there's no hope, there is no future, but at some point, hope must meet reality.

Wallace: Breaking up after three years? Are you sure? As Avondale said, what makes this time different?

Me: I'm, living.

Later.

Hey Petvet - I'm not in the conformation circles - I do performance events (several of them actually). Sounds like you do conformation? It is quite the different crowd (used to do that, don't do it anymore).

Wallace - got that lawn mowed yet? If I hadn't done mine on Sunday it still wouldn't be done. We had a steamy day yesterday, in between dowpours - it has rained Sunday night, Monday morning, and last night all night long (and still going this AM). Thunderstorms, tornados... the only thing we haven't seen yet is a tsunami! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey all - have a good week!

Hey All,

Well I'm going into the vacation brain mode... even though I'm only going to be gone for three days... I'm still winding down from it all.

[color:"blue"]Petvet... [/color]

I haven't broke it off with my G/F as of yet... in fact she is being so nice, I can't believe it. No talk about "M", nothing!

So we will see if she can maintain this posture, and if so... then I'll stick with it I guess. So I guess it's possibly no different than all the other times. But it's still not over with yet... so we will see.

[color:"blue"]Deja Vu... [/color]

I got my lawn mowed yesterday... so it's all done for this week. I haven't planted any flowers though. In fact I haven't planted flowers since my "D". I must be procrastinating... or something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Hope everyone is doing well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

[color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] - Why not plant flowers with your kids? Yes, I know they aren't "little" anymore, but if you give a hint that it might be a fun activity together (discreet bonding, so to speak) then maybe they'll do it for Father's Day! That's what I got for Mother's Day and really enjoyed it - purposeful planting with extra sets of hands. Enjoy your weekend - did you say you're camping?

[color:"blue"]Deja Vu [/color] - We are having our typical southern afternoon showers these days, and if I don't get any yard stuff done before work (yes, I've been known to be digging up things at 6am!) then I probably won't be able to. The humidity is killer right now!

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't been able to write sooner. These past two weeks have been the most difficult of my life. I still am in shock over some of it. The emotions have run deeper than even the first D-Day. The betrayal was so much worse this time with all the horrific circumstances that came with the questionable discovery.

I know God does not make mistakes and even in this He is Sovereign. So I continue to trust Him with all that I don't understand. I am praying for truth to be revealed to all parties involved. This has been my greatest test of faith yet. God is still at work. He's never late and He's seldom early. His timing is perfect and I need to hold on to that truth.

I can't help feel that one of the reasons He's allowed what happened to happen was for the emotional ties to H to be broken in a way that they never have been. His true character (Or lack thereof) was most certainly revealed. His obvious lack of love for me was pronounced in an undeniable fashion. I needed this as he's always been able to make me think he still loves me by his words.

A wise counselor friend has said, "Watch my life. Don't listen to my words" That was brought home to me on a whole new level. H is so very convincing. He's always had the ability to challenge my thinking to the point where he can have me questioning my own name. So, he knew just what to say to cause me to question my judgement of him and his lack of love towards me. That can no longer happen. I now know. It's a sad reality to face but there is no denying it any longer. He does not care.

But the good news is that the realization of that will help me to LET GO. Totally.... I have given this marriage completely over to the Lord. I am moving forward. There will be a happier future for the girls and I. I am anxious for all the present happenings to be done and to truly be free of all the bondage of this relationship.

Thank you all for being faithful friends. I've been keeping up with all your stories. I just haven't been able to respond personally to all of you yet. Hopefully, in time things will stabilize to the point where there is more time and clarity to do that. My love to you all.

Leah,

It's REALLY good to hear from you, and to see that there is something upbeat that can come out of this for you. You are a very strong woman and are doing a great job of coping with this.

We know you are here with us in spirit and I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say, you are in my thoughts!

Leah - great to hear from you. And you're right, this is one way that there is NO DOUBT, and you can LET GO like you were not able to do before. It is painful, I'm sure, but you have a big God with you. We love you!

Hey all, I'm new. My wife asked for a divorce about a month ago and has been having an affair. She is spending the weekend at the other guy's house now and I am home alone with our daughter. Don't know weather or not to call and tell her I love her or leave her alone. I want to save this marrige at almost any cost.

Hey everyone, I'm new and kinda' computer illiterate but in desperate need of someone to talk to about this. Would someone please reply so I know I'm getting through?

Missmybee....I can't really give advice but go to the General questions board because there are ususally more people there who give great advice.

Hey there - I'm stopping in and out tonight. You'll find not many people here on the weekend. You might want to stop in to the General Questions section where there are more people, and they are all dealing with infidelity.

That being said, you're welcome here too - and I'm sorry you have to be here. I don't know what I can offer you as I've not personally dealt with infidelity. I can suggest you read the things on the main MB site - including the things about Plan A and B - but my advice wouldn't be from personal experience.

I do know there are people who have worked things out; people who have given up the affair partner and returned to their spouse. It is possible. Keep asking - and someone with the right background will show up and jump in, I'm sure,.