My husband likes to look at other women, and then makes comments about them to me, which really hurts. For example, he may see a busty woman walk by wearing a low-cut dress, and he'll say something like, "Wow! Nice, uh...(pause).....dress." He will also watch shows on TV like "The Man Show" which is just basically about showing busty women, and he'll get upset if I ask him to turn it to something else or just simply leave the room. I've told him how much this hurts. I feel devalued as a woman, as his sexual partner, as the one who should be the one he comes to to meet his sexual needs. I've never denied him sexually. In fact, I'm usually more interested in having sex than he is, or want it more often. But I'm beginning to get bitter about him not giving me the respect in this area I feel a husband should give his wife, and am starting to lose my desire for sexual intimacy with him. What should I do?

Make sure you re-iterate how disrespectful this is to you. If he appears not to care, then try playing his game. I'm usually not into games, but sometimes you have to do them as they do you before they get it. When you see a cute guy on the street or on TV, make it just as obvious as he does. If you're not comfortable with that, just try and IGNORE HIM. My husband is not that blatant, but I have caught him looking at someone and sometimes he does have that drooling look in his eyes if he sees a sexy woman on TV. He already thinks I'm terribly insecure for being jealous of somebody on TV, but he doesn't understand. As women, we need that reassurance from our mates, and if we don't get it, of course we begin to wonder. When he starts making those comments, jump right in and compliment her as well!! He might start to think, then!! If he REALLY cares, he will take your feelings into consideration, and stop making those disrespectful comments. Don't kid yourself, though. You're not going to be able to stop him from looking. As my husband says, "I'm married, not dead."

Labl55, I have to disagree with Lost72 (sorry, Lost) I think as unfair as it seems, you still have to treat him with the respect with which you desire to be treated.

I DO agree that you should express your unhappiness about feeling devalued and it might provide a great springboard for addressing how you can better meet one another's needs in your marriage. Ask him why he feels the need to make this hurtful remarks and is there something in your relationship that needs more attention.

I hope he will stop hurting you in this way. You have a challenge because you need to talk to him in a way that won't start a fight. Be the better person without putting him down.

I hope this will open a door to healing for you.

actually, i agree with both the above posters. i think you should combine their wisdom and compromise. next time a good looking guy walks by, be obvious about watching him walk by. turn around to do this, and make sure your husband sees you. then ask him how it felt to be so blatantly disrespected right to his face. ask him how he would feel if you had commented on the man's attributes the way he does other women. or when the guy walks by, say something like "hey honey, if i were you i guess it would time to say what a nice pair of ... jeans!" but before you do this, try once again to make your husband understand that it bothers you when he does that and ask him how he'd feel if you acted that way. if he says he'd be okay because it's just looking, then do the above. and as for the man show, that's really not that bad. i mean, it's really juvenile but not truly harmful. try to compromise. for example he can watch those types of shows but no comments about other women around you. just a thought, from a woman who's husband used to hang those darn bikini babes up in his room, but has since grown up! hang in there!

I understand your feelings completely and they are justified. There is absolutely no reason why he should be making these comments outloud. We are all human...we look and we notice attractive people but to verbally express these thoughts is a major lack of respect. I have been where you are at and it hurts and it makes you feel unattractive. Years ago when I would be pregnant with one of my son's he would do the same thing and I lost all my sexual appeal towards myself and him. To add to the insecurity he is a body builder and gets plenty of attention himself. I dug my own little hole of depression and couldn't dig any deeper and figured it was time to climb out of it. After I was done having babies I started working on 'Me'...I went to the gym, I began to take better care of myself, when I was out in public I dressed nice, smelled nice and felt very appealing....hell! I turned myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When we were out in public together and I caught him staring at somebody....I held my head high, walked a little sexier and got a few looks myself.....and boy did he begin to notice! I always knew he was feeling insecure himself when he would put his arm around my waist or hold my hand.....hehe.....There are ways to get the point across without words...it saves on verbally bashing eachother.

My advice to you is take care of yourself...make yourself feel good. I know its very hard to compete with all the young big busted barbie type women that our men ogle and fantasize about...so be it....we can't change it. Don't allow yourself to dig a hole and dont focus all your attention on who he is looking at (I know its hard)....but maybe....just maybe....your lack of focus on 'everything' he is doing might just bring his focus back where it belongs.

As far as him watching "The Man Show"....dont allow him to see it upsets you. Sometimes I think my husband would do this purposely just to get a rise out of me. The way I handled this was to grab one of those romance novels and lay on the couch and read while he watched one of his 'programs'. He cant stand when I read these things (which I normally dont read anyway)and if he would say..'why do you have to read those stupid books?'....I would just raise my eyebrow and look at the tv...He knew the meaning behind that.

This has worked for my situation without alot of hurtful words and anger. Express your feelings to him calmly and openly, but if he 'forgets' these are subtle and casual ways to remind him. Good luck to you....

I do feel you should treat a person the way they want to be treated, but sometimes you have to let them see how it feels for them to get it. I don't believe in letting someone continue to do me wrong and in turn, I keep treating them good. She can STILL be the better person in this, just don't let him continue getting away with what he's doing. Let's be realistic, women. I don't feel someone should be respected if they're disrespectful towards you. THAT is not fair.

I have just the opposite problem with my H, yet it still affects my desire for sexual intimacy with him.

Case in point, last week my H and I are watching ER. I ask him, "If you could date anyone on the show, who would it be?"

My H: "Jerry". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And I wonder why our sex life suffers....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by PacificPrincess:
<strong>I have just the opposite problem with my H, yet it still affects my desire for sexual intimacy with him.

Case in point, last week my H and I are watching ER. I ask him, "If you could date anyone on the show, who would it be?"

My H: "Jerry". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And I wonder why our sex life suffers....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And why are you still married? I think homosexuality is a good enough reason for a divorce.

I have written several posts about men looking and what it does to their wives, the woman being looked at (yes it can hurt them too), and the man doing the looking. Search for my posts and you will see why I say that "looking" results in unhappiness for the man. Print those posts for him. If you can convince your guy of that, maybe they will reduce it. I've been there and speak from experience born of a VERY jealous wife.

<small>[ October 29, 2002, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Susan's Man ]</small>