Hi, just want to get opinions on this email I found a year ago.

This is from one of my Husbands friends and she wrote to him that she can no longer write emails to him because it doesn't feel right and that he should of felt the same way?

I found other emails where they were talking about relationships. She is single and he was trying to get his brother and her together. In one email she said that she valued "their friendship".

I confronted him with this and he said it was all conversation and that I would destroy our marriage because I became so upset at the fact that he did not share with this me. My Husband and I attend the same church she does and I have talked with her but just to say hi. He on the other hand was more involved in the friendship with her.

This happened over more than a year ago, and I can't seem to move on. She is away at college and has not shown up at church for more than 10 months. He says that it was only conversation and that this is him. I spoke to her and told her I wanted to talk with her, but I never did. She in turn talked to my H and said that I seemed upset and he told her about the luncheon date they had that I never knew about. If I had the guts to confront her I would let her know about the email in which she wrote about not "feeling right". I know that would not happen because I just need to move on.

Its a terrible thing to distrust one another, I too have learned not to tell the things I do not want to share and its sad because I feel that your spouse should be the first person u should come with any problems or situations that come in this life journey.

Thanks for listening...

MariD

Hi MariD.

I'm just browsing through the board and I came upon your post. It's very interesting to me because this summer I actually went through something very similar. My H was gone all summer for a job and I saw an ex boyfriend out one night. We "casually" began e-mailing to catch up. But he was in it for the kill. He told me he still loved me and that seeing me rekindled everything for him. I TRIED to end it right there. I wrote to him the same words your H received from his friend. I told him it was not right. We had a difficult time with it. We did not end it as swiftly as it sounds your husband did.

I actually commend this young woman for recognizing the warning signs of an unhealthy attachment to a married man. My ex couldn't recognize his unhealthy attachment to me, a married woman. Be thankful she took the initiative when she did.

Dis your husband respect her wishes and cut all contact? Does he have any feelings of sadness or withdrawal since talking to her? If not, and he has said it was only conversation, perhaps it was just that. Perhaps SHE was the one becoming attached and needed to call it quits.

Hopefully, that is what happened. Please tell us more...

j-bird

Hi J-bird thanks for your reply....in answer to the following questions...

"Did your husband respect her wishes and cut all contact?" Yes & No, He did not initiate the contact but if she was around and she would talk with him. He did not wanted to be rude to her so he did nothing to cut it short. I went away for a weekend because I was so upset about this and my sisters (we attend the same church) said to me that he was they were talking ... I asked him did he talk to her and he said somewhat just a hello, but I know from my sources it was more than a hello. They were conversating.

"Does he have any feelings of sadness or withdrawal since talking to her?" No, I do not feel that he does, he said that he could have her as a friend or not. He was trying to boost her ego since she is 34 and not married yet, He wanted to find out why she wasn't....But he did not share this aspect of friendship with me and thats why I was so upset.

She has since moved away to attend college...
my H has moved on ...but not me...times I feel that I do not have a valued place in his life.

On one occassion, handsome man came to me at a food store and asked me out for lunch. I was so flattered but told him I was married and he even said did I have a twin sister. I let my H know about that experience, its flattering but I knew and did the right thing. I do not feel he would share this experience with me if a woman came to him...as a matter a fact that is what happened and I found out the same way by looking at emails. He says he would of shared that with me If I did not look into his private things.

Since then, he has locked his laptop due to the fact that I stupidly deleted an email account pertaining to his job. He says that he does not want me to look at his things so that I can make out things that are not.

J-Bird you did the right thing, I'm sorry your friendship had to go that way. Did you end it with him or just went on like nothing happened.

Thats the way my H went about it, he said he never thought of her like a friend and not like someone after him... oh well.

I guess we don't see the same way.

MariD

Hi MariD.

Actually, I tried to stop all contact with my ex. It took a while, but we're finally out of touch. But the difference in my situation is that I DID have feelings towards him. If you say your husband does not have any feelings towards her, then there is nothing to worry about.

Having said that, he should respect you enough, realizing that it hurts you so much, (however irrational on your part), as well as this other person who asked him to stop contact, to CUT ALL CONTACT!!

The fact that he has shut you out from his computer sounds suspicious. Do you and he have an equal relationship, one where you feel like you are on a level playing field?

Hey J-Bird:

Wow, thats gotta to be tough. You did the right thing. I guess we all can make that mistakes and learn from it. I see myself as the one that would never cause any tension in our marriage, but I guess I have learn through this experience that when you get married it does not stop you from finding another person attractive, its what goes beyond that. I know that for a fact he found her attractive.

I always had a hard time dealing with opposite sex friendship from the start of our relationship, I guess it carried into our marriage unresolved.

Yes, I have a hard time dealing with him shutting me out of the computer. He says its for my own good. I don't think we have an equal level relationship when it comes to FOOS (Friends of the Opposite sex)

He feels its ok to take out a woman friend for lunch...ok...I feel the opposite... that I should be there or have another person present or if we can compromise at least let me know if he has gone out on a lunch "date"...I feel so left out of his life sometimes.

She only wanted to stop the emails not the friendship. He will always say it was nothing and I made all these things in my head.

He is sharing a little more now, but still apprehensive. I wish I wasn't so judgemental on certain issues. I just felt rejected when he optioned not to tell me about going out for lunch with this woman. He was trying to set her up with his brother, which by the way did not work out.

I need to get over this. He hates when I go online for any kind of opinions on this.

Thanks J-bird for listening, its good to know theres people who understand.

MariD

Hi MariD! I also was browsing the Posts here - I usually post on Divorcing/Divorced, as I hang out in the "Kingdom Of Caerlon" - but anyways, I applaud your Commitment on Opposite Sex Friendships - they're a BIG NO-NO. Too bad your husband doesn't see it that way. You have the right attitude - it's your husband who needs to sit down with you and LISTEN to what you have to say. Opposite sex friendships turn into something more - your husband can not just sit there and IGNORE human chemistry! If he does, he's only fooling himself. I fell into an EA last year online with an old girlfriend from high school - quite innocently, I might add - and neither of us began our emails planning an affair - it just happened - natural human chemistry. Needless to say, sadder but wiser now - I will NEVER give out my email address to anyone online and I will never respond to any email offers I receive online. I stay out of chat rooms as well. Locking the laptop - ha! Your hubby is definitely hiding something! You and him are a TEAM - and that means sharing everything. So you accidentally deleted an email account of his. Whatever, he needs to get over it and quit acting like a baby - how hard is it to just re-log in again? My wife has full access to my laptop, all email passwords, and passwords for everything I have on this computer. She also is my only female contact on the Instant Messenger - we have DSL internet so we 'chat' with each other, it's so Kool! She's in the other room and I'm in this room and we IM each other and it's just so neat, this is an example of how something that could be used for evil is helping my wife and me keep ourselves 'connected' in a cyber sort of way. Of course, we talk a lot of the time on a daily basis in person and there's nothing we hid from each other.
Just my $.02 worth here.
I don't know if I'll remember to come back and revisit this particular thread, I generally post on "The Kingdom Of Caerlon" thread. Come visit us sometime - we're just a bunch of goofey folks who post back and forth!
Hope this helps you, and God bless.
Harold

My Husband is very aware of that things can turn into something...he says he is able to handle it and that I should be proud of the way he has handled certain situations.

I am, but when it comes not telling me things I just do not like it. I blew up this past weekend. We had a wonderful time, went hiking with the church and family but I couldn't get over certain things in my mind.

What triggered it off probably was that this woman belong to this group we went out with and I just wanted to know why he would not tell me that he went out to lunch with her. And how that still hurts me. But as always it turned into something ugly. Me ... not appreciating all the things he has done to help me get over this and also that I must of fell out of love with him.

He is very distant right now ...he wants it that way. Says I look at him under a microscope... He's probably right....I need to stop this nonsense. I need to get by even if it hurts, my marriage is too important to lose it like this.

He is a very good and Godly man. I know he was God sent.

Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, God forgives us for the worse things, and I can't forgive my H for this small insignificant situation. I wish I had never found out about certain situation. I just need to pray for him and he for me.

It would definelty be a peaceful home.

Thanks for listening.

My Husband is still upset at me, he even says he doesn't to be with me at the moment. I guess he says the same thing I said to him when I found out about the emails.

Its a no win situation. There are more happy days than bad days, but because I had a bad day, my Husbands says that i was never happy and that it wasn't for real.

Why do I feel like I'm wronged...but yet feel yeah I deserve some of this because I cause this gap between us.

Just venting,

Mari

Hi again Mari!

I've been gone for a while and haven't checked this board. Sounds like you're still in pain. I can sense it from your tone. Mari, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to live in a peaceful marriage. You and our husband deserve it completely. When you say you wish you had never found out, I ask why? So you would never have known how to handle these feelings? This is ALL a learning process. You were meant to deal with this situation with your husband. It may hurt a lot of the time, but there is a reason why this issue between you and him came up. Could it be because there is something more going on that you do not know about, or are unwilling to face?

Some of the language you have used to describe things your H has said to you sounds very typical of an affair. Perhaps this lady friend of his is not the real problem. If he becomes so defensive about her, maybe there is nothing going on. But maybe he's struggling with feelings about someone else. You see, it's very easy for him to be angry at you for prying about a situation that is not unfaithful. He can be frustrated and tired of your constant nagging about "why didn't he tell you?" when in fact there was nothing dishonest to tell. But the fact remains, he's still not reacting the way an honest, guilt-free husband should be reacting. I think you and he need to deal with this problem head on.

Ask him to please talk about this one more time in a rational manner. If you are satisfied with his answers about her, then please move on, and begin to mend the hurt. If he becomes angry or defensive if you mention her or the possibility of anyone else, then that may be a red flag.

You do not need, nor should you, bury this. You are onto something with your feelings. Feel around and see what you find. If you find nothing, let it rest.

I HOPE you find nothing, Mari.

I wish you the best of luck. I'll be gone again for a week - so I'll be back next week!

Good luck and God bless!
~ birdie