Hi my name is richard and i got married on july 22nd 2004 after meeting my wife 3 months earlier, I have read this website page t page and it has given me that bit of hope but im still unsure what my wife will do.

We have been separated for 4 weeks now and i have moved back to my parents, she told me that we would be able to fight for our marriage that we will go to counciling sessions and that i could move back in with her 2 weeks ago but on the day she told me that i couldnt cause she was not ready. This devistated me andi ended up in hospital after taking an overdose.

She came to see me in hospital brought me roses and some valentines gifts. she told me that we would go to these sessions and we will sort things out. we went ot the first assesment and they were no good so i said that i would leave it whats the point?! we walked outside and she walked off and that hurt so much so i ran into the building and told them that i would like another appointment, after doing this i chased after her and asked her if we could go for a drink and chat, she said yes and so we went and talked in a quiet pub for 2 hours, i found out more there than i ever did and things started to move foward.

we had planned that i was going to move back in on friday the 11th of march but after we went for dinner this friday (4th of march) whe had 2 bottles of wine she opened up to me and then started to put her defences back up and told me to get away from her she wanted nothing more to do with me, she hated me and my family, she puched me and hit me (in a pushing way) and was histerical.

the next day i called her and she seemed not to want to fight for our marriage she said that she was going to set me free, i told her i dont want to be set free i want to be with her and my family (3 step children) but all hope seems to of gone from her. she has gon into withdrawl(going into flight mode) i need to know how to bring her into conflict so we can get back to the intamate stage. i feel a small amount of hope but there is this part of me that says shes given up without a FIGHT and i cant lket this happen but if she wont fight how will it work!!!

the reason for this is out lined in what the doc says on this web page i have made every mistake in the book. i dont take her feelings into consideration i rang porn lines i lied to her i watched porn channels and i couldnt give her a reason why. we lost the art of conversation when we dated we woke up in the morning and could still be in bed 6 hours later with out even realising that we had been talking that long. because of the porn she feels undesirable, depressed and she is unwilling to share her self with me emotionaly or physicly. (who can blame her for not wanting to share herself with me)

the relationship has been full of abuse recently verbaly, mentaly etc and i want this marrage to work i want to fight and salvage my marriage I dont want to lose the one thing in my life that means everything to me, she is my guiding light my universe. i need your help and advice how can i save this marrage or at least get her to see that maybe there is hope for us yet!

regards

R.Farrar

Other than marriage counseling, what are you doing to make changes in yourself? Are you also going to Individual counseling?

What actions are you taking re: porn; re: phoce lines? re: your lying? re: taking her feelings into account?

Actions speak louder than words, first you have to show her you changed, don't expect her to believe you when you have lied to her. Begin by telling her nothing but the truth. Show her the phone bills do what you have to to get your wife back. Once your known as a liar, it is pretty hard work to get someone to believe you. If you can't be 100% honest, then it is time to move on.

i have taken the steps of seeing a doctor who can help me with some aspects and i also stopped in my tracks and steped back and looked at what is ruining my life why i have lost my wife and looked at what i need to change. I know that you cant change over night but the changes i need to make have been put into motion and a good few of them have been changed for the better.

after reading the page on dishonesty and the radical honesty page i have printed out the questionare for myslf and my wife and she will be told everything i will also tell her face to face.
I can see all my mistake i have made in my marrage and through my life 1000% more clearly after reading this website fully.

I have realised that if i am going to make my life and marrage work i need to tell my wife everything that i may not of told her already and i also need to tell people like my parents things that i have lied about.

I have realised i need to appologise to my mother in law and fatherin law for the problems and grief i have cause them directly and through putting their daughter through what i have.

I am a changed man who will look out for the best intentions of my wife and my family i still have alot of changes to make and i will seek help for them where ever i can. i now have phone numbers for helplines where i can speak to people like the samaritans and other organisations like this.

i am going to counciling with my wife this wednesday she origionaly agreed to go and then decided that she didnt want to go but i have managed to persuade her to go. I am hoping that this session will help and she will go to more of them to try and fight for this marrage but i am scared she will tell me its pointless i have printed all the questionaires and all the pages that outline how to save a marrage and im hoping that she will fill them in and read the work and hopfully see that we may be able to get our marrage and love back, as many others have done with the advice from the book and this website.

Regards

R.Farrar

if anybody can think of anything else i can do to get help and help the changing prosses move on quicker i would appreciate any help available.

I want to change for myself so i can lead a normal life, i also want to change for my wife so that we can build on our marrage again and i want to change so that i can lead a normal family life the prosses has begun and any help will be taken up like a shot.

Regards


R.Farrar

Thanks for the advice mikeb. the changes have already started i have never got on with my parents and we always argue but since i have realised my mistakes i have told them alot when i feel like arguing with them or having an angry outburst i count to ten in my head everytime now and that avoids the arguments. i have found that instead of getting angry that they havent understood me first time i take time out to sitdown and explain it another way and i also have learnt ot listen to their opinions i have don this in the space of 3 weeks and i havent looked at pornography since i realised what i have done to my marrage i havent called any lines since november 2004. and i am talking to charitable organisations who seem to help me and give me advice on how i can help myself change and im not just going to one place im going to many organisations getting opinions off as many people as i can the more people i talk to the easier it is getting for me to change and the faster it is happening. as long as i am honest with everyone in my life and those who are giving my the life changing advice i hope that i will be able to become the man i once was when i met my wife and i can be the man she married not the Aragant, lying, hurtful man i have somehow become.

I know that it is me to blame and not my wife she has been the best thing to ever happen to me, she got me away from the wrong crowd got me off cannabise and extacy i have been free of drugs since november 2004. It wasnt hard i just needed to get away from people who i thought were my friends but wern't.

My wife is my best friend and at the moment i have lost my best friend, my lover, and my universe all because of my stupid actions. I have made her feel unwanted, undesirable, depressed and ill to be honest i should be shot and i dont know how i have come to be the man who has done this to the sweetest most beautiful woman i have ever known.

I love her with all my heart and i have thrown her love away. I'm just hoping that she will give me a chance to prove to her that our marriage can work as i am changed in some respects and changing in others. i have learnt alot from my wife and other people and from you who reply to my crys for help. this web page is a godsend!!!

Regards

Thanks for the advice mikeb. the changes have already started i have never got on with my parents and we always argue but since i have realised my mistakes i have told them alot when i feel like arguing with them or having an angry outburst i count to ten in my head everytime now and that avoids the arguments. i have found that instead of getting angry that they havent understood me first time i take time out to sitdown and explain it another way and i also have learnt ot listen to their opinions i have don this in the space of 3 weeks and i havent looked at pornography since i realised what i have done to my marrage i havent called any lines since november 2004. and i am talking to charitable organisations who seem to help me and give me advice on how i can help myself change and im not just going to one place im going to many organisations getting opinions off as many people as i can the more people i talk to the easier it is getting for me to change and the faster it is happening. as long as i am honest with everyone in my life and those who are giving my the life changing advice i hope that i will be able to become the man i once was when i met my wife and i can be the man she married not the Aragant, lying, hurtful man i have somehow become.

I know that it is me to blame and not my wife she has been the best thing to ever happen to me, she got me away from the wrong crowd got me off cannabise and extacy i have been free of drugs since november 2004. It wasnt hard i just needed to get away from people who i thought were my friends but wern't.

My wife is my best friend and at the moment i have lost my best friend, my lover, and my universe all because of my stupid actions. I have made her feel unwanted, undesirable, depressed and ill to be honest i should be shot and i dont know how i have come to be the man who has done this to the sweetest most beautiful woman i have ever known.

I love her with all my heart and i have thrown her love away. I'm just hoping that she will give me a chance to prove to her that our marriage can work as i am changed in some respects and changing in others. i have learnt alot from my wife and other people and from you who reply to my crys for help. this web page is a godsend!!!