I've been debating about coming back to MB for a while now, but I think this is the only place I know of where I can express myself around people who are in the same (or similar enough) situations as I am. Almost every divorced person I know is remarried or in a happy relationship, so turning to them for support is difficult. And all of my friends are single, never having been married, so they can only empathise so much.

But anyway, the recap for those of you who may not remember me... I popped up over here last September as my husband of 1 year was leaving me. He is bipolar, which probably has a lot to do with the divorce, but ultimately he ended up leaving me for his "soul mate" (and we all know how MB feels about soul mates!). He moved back in with his parents over the winter and I haven't seen nor heard from him since early November. I ended up seeking the divorce because I knew if I'd left it up to him, I'd be stuck in limbo for the rest of my life. So, I shelled out the $1600 retainer fee in October, and everything has been progressing according to schedule.

Anyway, last October, I met up with an old crush from high school. We began having sex, but neither of us wanted to be in a relationship (me, for obvious reasons, and him because he and his girlfriend had just broken up). Anyway, I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say, it blew up on me in a bad way. Not only am I now trying to deal with my feelings of rejection because of the divorce, I'm dealing with feelings of betrayal because lo and behold, my so-called friend neglected to mention he and his "ex" girlfriend were back together. I put an end to our non-relationship two weeks ago, on a hunch that something wasn't right. Turns out my hunch was spot on...

I've been dragged through hell and back and I'm angry, and bitter, and depressed. I cry a lot... At least three times a day for no reason. I'll be watching TV and a comercial will come on for CoCoPuffs and suddenly I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm trying to get on with my life, but I feel like my feet are weighed down with lead. I no longer want anything to do with my STBX, and I marvel at the fact that I ever actually thought I was in love with him, but at the same time, I feel that rejection all the damn time.

A few weeks ago, I decided to take up belly dancing again (I haven't danced in 4 years, but I thought it would help with my self esteem and help get me active) and so I went back to my old mentor to sign up for lessons. Only, it turns out now that my fling's girlfriend is also in the belly dancing troupe. I feel a sense of loyalty to my mentor and want to dance with her, but I spent all day yesterday watching the troupe rehearse for an upcomming show and it was killing me to see my ex-fling's girlfriend dancing. It all but killed my desire to dance. I feel bad because I've been essentially helping her boyfriend cheat on her for who knows how long, even though he lied to me about their relationship status and I believed him. And then on top of it, all I've developed feelings for this a-hole.

Yeah, I've gotten myself into a right good mess. I feel so screwed up and broken and I don't know how to put myself back together again. I guess I just needed get that off my chest...

Sarah, I remember "seeing" you. Sorry to hear what you're going through. My H is a verbally abusive alcoholic/addict (I've often wondered if he's bipolar) who left me for his "soulmate" so I empathize. I'm also dating before my divorce is final (I'm assuming your D isn't final yet?) so relate to that, too. I've heard that sometimes the break-up of the rebound relationship can be more painful than the break-up of the M - maybe because the pain was deferred or two "failures" on top of each other?

You did the right thing to break off the relationship once you found out old flame was back with gf. Sounds like belly dancing might be hard right now with gf at the same studio. Any options there? I'm assuming gf doesn't know about you - might make things interesting if bf saw you performing with her... sorry for the evil thought!

Sorry, double post.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

(((Sarah)))

It’s good to see you found your way back to us, sorry it had to be under these conditions. I would of liked to seen more traffic on this thread but understand that people may be a little shy because it hits too close to home. Many people here read of the dangers of the rebound relationship, they don’t listen to the advice received because “they are different”, and end up exactly where you are right now. So you sidestepped your recovery for a little while, now it’s time to do it right by continually doing the next right thing.

I’d challenge you to do some research on the “Grieving” process as it relates to the loss of a marriage, search your insides to find out where you are on that and then properly finish grieving the loss of your marriage and the loss of the “fling” before you venture out for your next “sex” partner or relationship. I further would discourage you from finding a “sex” partner, in real life they just don’t work. One side almost always gets hurt. Rather, grieve properly (alone), own the mistakes you made along the way and work on you being OK with just being you alone. If you’re in a big enough city that they have belly dancing, maybe your money would be better invested in a “Divorce Care” class to aid you in your transition.

“””Anyway, last October, I met up with an old crush from high school. We began having sex, but neither of us wanted to be in a relationship”””

Sells magazines and looks good on T.V. but as your finding out it doesn’t work in life too well, for obvious reasons.

“””I'm dealing with feelings of betrayal because lo and behold, my so-called friend neglected to mention he and his "ex" girlfriend were back together.”””

Point of clarification. Your relationship with “fling-boy” was what it was, a non-relationship with sex, therefore the only way he could betray you is by no longer having sex with you, right? Or were the other understandings in place? Bottom line is you got played. So all I can say is take it for what it was and move on to healing you so it doesn’t happen again.

“””I've been dragged through hell and back and I'm angry, and bitter, and depressed. I cry a lot...”””

Anger is not a primary emotion; it’s secondary and “usually” is present when someone is masking another emotion, such as “fear”. Are you afraid of something? Bitterness and depression, yeah those are fun but you can work through them. Forgiveness goes a long way when dealing with those. So if I asked you to forgive your husband, your fling, and yourself could you do it? Even if you knew that it would lead you to a better place in life and release the demons of bitterness and depression. And quite honestly, the one of those three that probably needs the most forgiveness from you, is you.

”””Yeah, I've gotten myself into a right good mess.”””

Yes you have but it’s only temporary and you can come out of it if you choose to do so and are willing to make the effort to get emotionally healthy before you find the next X.

“””I feel so screwed up and broken and I don't know how to put myself back together again. I guess I just needed get that off my chest...”””

We’ve all been there in one way or another. You’ve seen where this path leads, so plot a new course, make a plan and get your life on track.