I have been married for eight years and I have two beautiful daughters. Over the past couple of years my wife has developed what seems like a whole other life outside of our marriage. I no longer feel like her best friend. Two months ago she told me she felt she was no longer "in love" with me. She says we were so young when we were married she feels like she has never been on her own and she does not want to be accountable to anyone. I think she is leaning towards seperation. Initially we agreed to work on things but I sense her heart was never truly into making an effort. Things would go well for a couple of days and then she would be very cold. We would talk about our dilemma every couple of days until it has worn us down so much emotionally that we have agreed not to talk about it until after Christmas. We have been to counseling individually a couple of times, but she does not want to go anymore. I have told her how much I love her. I have tried to schedule a "date" for us at least twice a week. I have told her that I am willing to re-examine every facet of our relationship and try to tweak it. There is no sex and very little physical contact. I feel as if she is not working on our relationship, but rather postponing its demise. I hate living with this uncertainty. Does anyone have any suggestions. Thank You.

I am in a similar situation. I have only been married for 13 months and in July I found out my husband was having an affair. It has been a long haul and I am not sure where I stand. He said he wanted to work on things but it was always half-hearted. I have been going to counseling myself, and we tried to go together. We made it to one session and he refuses to go back. He most recently told me he is not "in" love with me and he wants a divorce. We have been together for 9 years and I cannot throw all that history away. If you or anyone else has any advice, I need help. He says he wants a divorce, but we still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed. He has not made any effort to make plans for this to happen. I have a hard time thinking this is what he really wants to do, when his actions and his words are not consistent. Please help

jkelly, I know this sounds difficult, but my wife and I have our most successful days when I am happy and positive and not moping about the house. Its hard to give you any advice because I am going through this same tpye of situation but I think I need to somehow get my wife back into counselling. I think the problem with my situation is that by the time I finally confrontrd my wife about the lack of intimacy in our marriage, she was already one step ahead of me and had made up her mind that this marriage was not worth saving. Once those words are spoken it is difficult to "put the jeannie back in the bottle." It has been very difficult to try to convince my wife that there is anything good about our marriage--she is feelling so lousy right now that it is clouding her perception of the past and she thinks that things have always been bad. We are going to give it some time, but I believe her mind is already made up and if she refuses to go to counselling I fear this marriage will almost certainly end.

Have either of you read the section on the site that say "Can 1 person save a marriage?". According to the concepts in the site, the answer is "yes".

Just wondering if you might consider reading it, along with the basic concepts and discussing any questions you might have about it.

Do you know your spouse's needs, and the ones that aren't being met...have you identified the things you may inadvertently do that make your spouse withdraw...

I found there are lots of people on this site that understand these principles and would be happy to help you apply them.

Some of them have experienced the Marriage Builder counselling first hand and have a lot to contribute.

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: hubbyhubster ]</small>

I have been married for almost 19 years, with four children. My focus has been on our family & children, although I have worked outside the home on and off over the years. I have not gotten to the point where I've developed "another life", but I am beginning to understand why I'm distancing myself from H - he fails to meet my needs. We have been through the HN/HN class and it helped. It helps for a short time every time we go over our emotional needs. But it never sticks. I am not able to meet my spouse's EN because mine aren't being met. I feel like we're on an emotional roller coast. Sorry I don't have advice . . . but maybe your wife also has EN that aren't being met and she is in the "withdrawal" stage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Alia:

Why doesn't it stick?

hubbyhubster, I have not read the article or section on the site. I guess I am having a hard time finding it. Can you direct me in the right direction. I would really like to read it. I could use some new encouragement that this can work itself out. It has been a really hard day. Today is my birthday and my H did not even acknowledge it. I guess that really disappoints me and I feel that we are heading nowhere fast. Again, if you could point me in the right direction that would be great.

vox,

I have been through exactly what your wife is going through. I hope you come back and read these posts, because you've gotten some great advice.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I also married young. I was in a whirlwind during the engagement, totally obsessed with planning my wedding. After the wedding was over, I crashed. I love my H so much, and I was happy to be married, but the thrill of the big day was behind us, and I was very disappointed. It took my two years to figure out just why it upset me so much...this past summer my H moved to another city 3 hrs away to work. While he was gone, I got my first taste of freedom ever. I had moved from mom and dad's into his apartment, so I never before experienced my individual freedom. And then of course I bumped into an old boyfriend one night who looked way too enticing. That sent me into a tailspin. I started questioning EVERYTHNG!!!!

I began to say the EXACT same things your wife is saying. I wanted my independence, and I wanted it for good. I thought I had married too young, and I've missed out on so many personal growth experiences. I actually started acting cold and stand-offish towards my H. I resented him for being around when he came home, and I pushed hm away.

The reason I was unable to deal with this was because I was terrified to tell my H how I was feeling. And I was incontact with my ex. We were e-mailing daily and I was totally jaded by his contact and his compliments. I finally told my H how I was feeling (you're lucky your wife told you when she did!!). He was amazing. He has tried as you are, to make any changes he feels comfortable with to allow me just a little bt more independence.

So here's where I am asking you: do you have any reason to believe your wife has met someone, new or from her past, who "represents" her freedom the way my ex husband did? If so, she may be unable to move forward from her frame of mind she's in. I was certainly in the "fog" about my situation while I was still in contact with my ex. I really believed that my h was all wrong, and that my ex was it for me. FOG FOG FOG!!!

Please try to find out more about where your wife's feelings are coming from. you sound like you're doing a good job. Keep it up, and please write more!!! i'd love to offer some insight, as I TOTALLY understand wht your wife is feeling right now!

Take care, and good luck!!!

~ j-bird

Woops!

I slipped and wrote ex husband in my last reply. I meant ex boyfriend!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

birdie

Wow, I had not checked this post for a while and I am thrilled to get so much helpful advice. There have been some positive steps. We have had some good talks and my W has agreed to try to genuinely accept the changes I am trying to make. We have had some great talks about our goals and the future. We have a very long way to go, and I have a long way to go personally. I think one of the core problems with our relationship was that somewhere along the way I had gotten to comfortable with where we were at in life while my wife continued to grow. When we were first married I was this creative and exciting person who had definite goals and dreams. At some point I got stuck in a rut without even really realizing it. I became content with my mundane but decent paying job and forgot about all my dreams! She continued to dream and make positive changes to achieve her dreams. I not only got left behind but became a millstone around her neck. I am trying desperately to catch up. It is exciting to re-discover your potential. She is trying so hard I admire her, but it is difficult. One of the difficulties is that "trying" to her and "trying" to me can be two different things. "Trying," to her might be something like being in the same room as me when she's feeling down, and "trying" to me is usually spmething more tangible and physical(hug, touching etc..). Like I say we have along way to go. I'll keep checking in. Thanks again.

vox, I am glad to hear things are going in a positive direction for you. I felt that things were heading that way, but it seems like a never-ending vicious cycle. We have a good weekend, but then when Monday rolls around he seems to be distant.
I try to remind myself that every day cannot be perfect. How do you get yourself through those rough spots? How do you keep a positive outlook? I keep telling myself that he must be trying becasue he has not moved out like he said he was going to, but is that enough? With the holidays approaching I am finding it harder to be positive. I want concrete answers which I know are impossible right now.
Any advice you have on how to stay positive would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

I am no expert but it seems to me that the fact that your husband is still there is a good sign. I know what you are feeling and it is tough, but you did not get into this position overnight and you will not pull yourselves out of it overnight. I assume there are things that you yourself can do to make your marriage better. You need to work on these things by yourself if you have to. I feel that in my situation the time for talk was over and I needed to do some soul searching to figure out what attracted me to her in the fist place. I also needed to give her support and space. What I discovered was that my actions were more powerful than anything I could possibly say. Along the way I discovered something about myself, and it re-kindled a fire in me to achieve some goals and dreams that I had forgotten about. One reason to be positive and up-beat is that moping and acting depressed is very unattractive and if you look at the larger picture it is destructive behavior if your goal is to save your marriage--so you need to stop! This to me was the biggest reason to stay positive and up-beat--the fact that it was critical to achieve my goal. I don't know if this applies to you but I have also discovered that my wife had been angry and dissapointed in me for a long time. She blamed me (in some cases rightly so) for things that have gone wrong in our lives. She did not even totally realize this at first when she was starting to have doubts about our marriage. We have talked about it and she is trying to forgive, and I am trying to make amends. Is it possible that something like this applies to your situation? Give it some thought. I hope this helps a little, I am cheering for you.

Your situation is so similar. He has had all these feelings building up for so long and now this is the way they are coming out, like there is no hope. I found out that he went to see a divorce lawyer this week. Just when I feel we are making a little progress we move backwards again.
My problem is trying to be upbeat. I am stuck in this rut and I am trying desperately to find my way out. I hope I can real soon. I hate feeling this way. I appreciate your words of encouragement. Maybe this coming week will be a little better, with the upcoming holiday and all. Thanks again.

vox and jkelly10,

Your situations are very similar to mine. You can get caught up in my situation in posts in Resolving Conflicts titled What to do next.

My W told me she was emotionally divorced from me. This past week has been much better. We went to C last night and talked. This morning we hugged, tonight before she left for work we hugged again, she kissed me and we exchanged I love you's. We are far from where we need to be, Every day is a struggle and I am taking it one day at a time. I am listening to my wife, she is giving me cries for help and finally I am listening. We have our times of distance this is how she copes. In the past 6 months I have been working on my personal issues and trying to improve the relationship with my W. You cannot change your partner only give them what they need and want. This starts to add up. Try and meet their EN's and listen to them when they talk to you. I have had a hard time of this in the past.

I suggest you both read the Basic Concepts and all the other great content on this site. I gave my wife a copy of this and she has been reading through it as well. She works things out differently than I do. I suggest you read His Needs, Her Needs - I haven't yet but plan to this weekend. I have heard it is a great book and highly recommended on this site.

One day at a time and chin up.

NOT givenuphope

I feel that my marriage can definitely be saved, but my H on the other hand is not listening. He absolutely will not go to counseling and he will not read any literature. He feels that there is no way he can still love me.
What I would do for a kiss or a hug. I love you's have only been one-sided for a long time now. I have read this web site very thoroughly, and it has wonderful advice and suggestions. I am only one part of the equation though. I cannot do it alone.
I am getting so discouraged. He has seen a lawyer, but yet still has not moved out. We spend more energy trying to avoid eachother. I just wish he could see what he is doing is the biggest mistake of both of our lives.

jkelly, something that has been helping me has been a book called "The Divorce Remedy." It gives advice for people whose spouse has told them in no uncertain terms that he wants a divorce. The author suggests using a last resort technique that involves backing off and pursuing some of your own interests, going out with friends etc. The premise of this is that by having fun and doing some things you haven't done in a long time you remind your spouse how much fun you can be when things are going well. If you can manage a smile and some positive changes in your life your spouse may take his blinders off for a moment and reconsider. If you can muster up enough strength to create just a shadow of a doubt with your actions rather than your words, things may snowball in a positive direction. My biggest piece of advice is if you find you are talking about your situation with your spouse all the time and getting nowhere like I was,...STOP TALKING--it is time for action. Set some specific goals. Be content with the smallest successes and don't let setbacks get you down too much. Happy, positive people are more attractive and fun to be around, so stay positive. Take advantage of the fact that he is still in the house and make some positive changes. He might be a little freaked out at first but thats ok. Don't give up, please!!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE. UNFORTUNATELY MY SPOUSE TOLD ME THIS AM THAT HE IS MOVING OUT EITHER NEXT WEEK OR THE WEEK AFTER AND WILL NOT BE AROUND FOR THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY. SO I GUESS I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TALKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE, BECAUSE HE WON'T BE AROUND TO TALK TO. I GUESS I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN EVENTUALLY I JUST KEPT HOPING IT WOULD NOT.

I STILL HAVE MUCH HOPE FOR OUR FUTURE, IT JUST SEEMS VERY IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT NOW. MAYBE HAVING SOME TIME APART IS THE BEST THING FOR US. WE HAVE PROBABLY NOT BEEN APART MORE THAN 5 DAYS IN 9 YEARS. I AM JUST AFRAID THAT IF HE WALKS OUT THAT DOOR THAT IS IT, ALL LINES OF COMMUNICATION WILL BE CLOSED. I KNOW I WILL STILL TALK TO HIM AS WE HAVE A HOUSE TOGETHER, BUT THE REAL TALKING PART I FEEL IS GOING TO BE OVER.

I JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL MY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ALONE. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE I WAS SO YOUNG, I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER LIFE BUT HIM. THAT IS WHAT MAKES IT ALL THE MORE DEPRESSING. I DON'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS TO PICK ME UP AND DUST ME OFF AND MOST OF MY FAMILY LIVES OUT OF STATE. I JUST FEEL HOPELESS AT THIS POINT.

SORRY FOR BABBLING. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR WORDS OF ADVICE.