My wife of 8 years has fallen in love with another man. I know I am partly to blame because there was a period of time when I was not satisfying her emotional need of love and affection.

Here's the short version of our story: My wife attempted suicide twice several years ago. This unfortunately caused me to distance myself emotionally from her. I didn't even realize it was happening until a couple years ago. I realized that I was not as compassionate with her as I wanted to be.

I tried to resolve this myself..but was unsuccessful. So last August I broke down and told my wife how I was feeling. It killed me to tell her that, while I loved her, I didn't feel "in love." I hoped that by telling her we could work on it together and potentially save the marriage.

I was pessimistic, though. I felt trapped in a relationship that wasn't satisfying to me. But.. I hoped that a miracle would happen.

It did! I somehow regained the love I originally had for my wife. Unfortunately, this came at a drastic price. My initial pessimism caused my wife to distance herself from me emotionally.

During this time, she fell in love with one of our friends. He provided her with something she desperately needed at a time when I could not.

The problem: she does not want to end that relationship and work on our marriage at all. She was getting more and more frustrated with our marriage and moved out last week. We are to file divorce papers this week.

Right now she has visions of grandeur. She is excited about starting a new life. Moving to the city where her "lover" lives... finishing up her bachelor's degree and then working on her PhD.

How can I possibly work to save our marriage when she is unwilling? Is it hopeless?

Right now I'm trying to be as supportive as possible...but it feels wrong not to try and fight to save her, you know? BTW, we are still somewhat friendly with each other, and both believe we can be amicable through this divorce.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 03:02 AM: Message edited by: rod ]</small>

Yes there's hope. First, read up on Plan A and the rest of the stuff on this site. Get and read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. Today, you start Plan A.

While we can help some, the people on General Questions II are the most experienced and there's a lot of action there.

You may want to fill in some blanks for us. How long ago did your wife attempt suicide? Why? and did she receive treatment?

What changed when you told your wife you weren't in love with her? If things got better for you, something changed, most likely her behavior to you.

Do you have children? If so, how old?

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

Thank you for your reply. First, where do I find this "Plan A"? Sorry, I'm new to this site and while I have read several articles, I don't recall seeing "Plan A".

My wife attempted suicide probably 4 years ago. She had severe depression due to toxic parents and also a highly controlling religion we were involved in. We left that religion back in 2002 and her mental health started to improve almost immediately.

I'm not sure exactly what changed to cause me to fall back in love. Maybe it was a realization that she is truly a fantastic woman... loving, kind, compassionate, intelligent, etc.

There are no children in our marriage, thankfully. I know that would make this a million times harder.

Thanks for your reply.

Ok, I read Plan A and Plan B. I believe I already tried Plan A... calmly discussed the need to end that relationship before ours can be restored. At first she completely agreed, but changed her mind a couple days later when this guy expressed his love for her and was upset that she wanted to terminate the relationship.

You know what is the most rediculous thing? This guy is MARRIED and has no intention of leaving his wife.

Plan B seems to indicate I should cut off all contact after we separate. Is that right? No more calls to just chat, no more going out to lunch every now and then.

Rod, I doubt you tried Plan A. Asking that your wife ends the affair is only a tiny part of Plan A. Plan A is to win her back from other man. The way you do this is to stop all LoveBusters immediately. Do nothing that would make her feel uncomfortable, with the exception of asking about OM and where she is.

Next, you need to meet any and all Emotional Needs that she’ll let you meet. Probably, she’s not going to let you meet her need for sexual fulfillment right now. But, chances are she’ll let you meet the need for financial support.

You have to show her that you are will and able to care for her in a way that makes her feel loved and cherished and in love with you. That’s Plan A.

Plan A doesn’t always work. Which is why there is plan B. Plan B is hard. You write a letter expressing remorse for you part in creating an environment that made the affair possible. Then you say, in order to protect the remaining love I have for you, I must end all contact with you until you end the affair.

This lets the affair bear the burden of reality. But, Plan B is risky and it’s lonely. And Plan B will backfire unless you’ve worked hard at Plan A. If you’ve done a stellar Plan A, the last memories your wife will have of you, should you need to do Plan B, will be terrific. That’s important.

Another important component is exposing the affair. You need to tell your family and friends, and hers as well, that she’s having an affair with Mr. OM. You may even want to tell Mrs. OM that her husband and your wife are having an affair.

Exposure brings a lot of unwelcome pressure on the WS, and more importantly, support for the Betrayed spouse. Make sure when you expose the affair to tell everyone that you want to recover your marriage with your wife. Don’t tolerate any disrespectful comments of her even though she probably deserves tons. That way your family can lend you the support you need in Plan A.

Does this make sense?

Plan A usually lasts between 2 months and 2 years. Well, really 1 year. People like me, HoldingOnToIt and a few others through the average off. Plan B lasts between 6 months and 2 years.

Miracles don’t happen overnight.

Yeah, I am doing Plan A. I am not doing any "LoveBusters" and am filling the emotional needs that she will let me fill. It is difficult to do this, but it has definitely improved the quality of our time together (which isn't much right now).

I do not believe I can ever do Plan B. Sounds like manipulation to me. No offense to those that have tried it and had it work, but my wife and I came from a controlling religion (some would call it a cult) where they did the EXACT same thing. If one person decided not to be in the religion any more, EVERYONE, including family (siblings, parents, children) are expected to shun the person until they repent. I know that this would definitely not go over well with my wife.. no way.

As far as exposing the affair... I don't know if I would call it an affair per se. The wife supposedly knows that the husband has "love" feelings for my wife, and is not bothered by this. I find this hard to believe, but this husband and wife are swingers and don't exactly fit the typical mold.

Also, I fear that by taking action to break up the "affair", my wife will only resent me for it. I hope that it ends naturally; initiated by either my wife, her "lover", or perhaps even his wife. But for me to do it? I think she would hate me for it.

So far I have not allowed people to speak negatively of my wife. My family sometimes says she is "being selfish," but I tell them that I understand how she feels and why she did what she did. They believe I am being very nice and civil about the whole thing. The last thing I want to do is badmouth my wife, and she actually feels the same towards me. She does not speak negatively of me or our marriage.

Rod, I am not asking you to end your wife's affair. It's not in your power to do so. All you need to do is stop enabling this bad behavior by keeping it secret.

I'm not asking you to fight a duel or even try to "keep your wife." I'm suggesting you do everything in your power to rekindle romantic "in love" feelings in your wife for you.

If you wouldn't call it an affair, what would you call it?

She is leaving you to be near another man.

As for not being willing to do Plan B, that's your call. I never did a no-contact Plan B because I have children and infidelity was not an issue.

However, because I waited so long even to separate, my love bank was deep in the negative numbers and I have very little desire to heal my marriage.

You're right..it is definitely an affair. And I have stopped trying to protect her. I am telling more of my family the true reason she is leaving. My wife won't even acknowledge it herself, perhaps because deep down she knows how "wrong" it is.

Plan B wouldn't work with someone from our background, believe me, so hopefully Plan A will be effective.

And I agree with you, greengables, regarding ending the affair. It's not my place. Knowing my wife, it would just cause major damage in our own relationship if I were to actively destroy the "affair." It would be much better for it to end naturally.

Thanks for your words, everyone.