For those of you who's X has visitation with the kids, how do you handle times when the child/ren come home? For instance if it's on Sunday do you like to have the kids home a certain hour so they can have a bath and relax before going to bed?

And if the kids aren't home at that certain time does your x to call to say they will be there later?

have you had trouble with getting the kids back at an appropriate time?

My papers actually specify the times for visitation: Sat 8:00 to Sun 6:00. What a joke! My H has never gotten the kids before 9:00 and ONE time he brought the kids back at 5:30 (my insistance, I forced him to take them trick or treating) otherwise I meet him half way at 3:00. Not exactly dad of the year material.

See if you can get times in your visitation paperwork. My attorney also suggested that the person who is receiving the kids be the one to pick them up, that way you're not always wondering what time they'll arrive. Good advice.

cm

Hi,

We're not D'd yet, but we have been looking ... er... forward to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In the court where we live, the standard visitation gives specific times. Actually, the visitation schedule is fairly generous to the non-custodial parent (aka. Dad) - and weekends are 6pm Friday til 8am Monday! So, Dad gets to take the child to school Monday morning. Also, the midweek is 3pm Wednesday til 8am Thursday. So, the custodial parent (a.k.a. Mom) doesn't have to worry about getting them up in the morning after a late nite with the non-custodial parent (we know who that is).

For me, as a BH, the generous visitation is the thing that makes the D more acceptable to me. I would have 10 overnights a month without a fight.

-AD

Please refer to it as Parenting Time !!!! We are not talking a prisoner here.... As a father it makes me sick to my stomach that I have to ask for Visiting time with my own flesh and blood since the courts so generously are determined to give the bulk to the mother !!! Just cause my ex decided she was unhappy, wanted the children for SS and CS is no reason why I should have to fight to be a parent to my children.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Your Ex may be different but you can at least be courteous and refer to it as it properly should be identified..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Some people are slower to learning the Parenting time phrase, don't take it poorly.

My decree states I get the kids back at 6 pm on Sundays (EO). It really should be spelled out. Sunday nights are bad, the kids melt down. Plan to do nothing when the return. I mean making appts. or such.
My kids chill out, we play games or read. And at least one of them has a melt down about how bad divorce is for them and why can't we live together. It's rough. Lots of love and good listening help. And they tend to call me dad for 2 days after too.
Read all the books you can to help you and your children through this.
Mom's House/Dad's house is a great book on the topic.

My parenting time is similar to what AD described. I am the non-custodial parent. I pick up and drop off. I take to school or school bus in the morning. On days when there is no school I take her back to her "other" home.

I too am put off by the term "visitation". I can see how it can apply to some uninvolved parents though.

The only thing that makes a parenting schedule work is the parents. Communicate, cooperate, negotiate, be responsible, be punctual, be flexible.

I can imagine that it's difficult when one or both of the parents makes up the rules as they go along and as it suits them. I don't know what the fix is for that.

Pardon me for using the term visitation, I'm not up to par on the different terms whether it's visitation, placement, parenting time.

Newly,
My x and I have been apart for 7.5 yrs. Sunday's are very hectic so I don't plan anything. I had to laugh when you said you're called Dad for two days LOL yup same here but then I've been called Nana, Aunt XXXX. I can't complain because when I'm trying to figure out which child I'm talking to I've even called one of them the dog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I know where I live they are big on being respectful to the other parent. When my x and I got divorce yrs ago we didn't have anything set in stone when it was his time with them because of his goofy hours at work. We were also very good friends until the last 2 yrs and it just seems to be getting worse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't care about me, I care about the childish things that my x is pulling in front of my youngest. As it is my oldest (15) doesn't go see her dad that often, unless I make mention she hasn't seen or talked to him in awhile.

Thank you for the book recommendation

Country mama,

Yes it seems the past few weeks he's not bringing dd home when he normally does and does not call to let me know what's going on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've always kept him informed of any changes of any sort. If I need dd on a day that is his time I always ask if it's ok that I have her or if she wants to not go to his home I always have her ask her dad I feel I have no say in it.

sigh.........................

Ba,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only thing that makes a parenting schedule work is the parents. Communicate, cooperate, negotiate, be responsible, be punctual, be flexible.

I can imagine that it's difficult when one or both of the parents makes up the rules as they go along and as it suits them. I don't know what the fix is for that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are very right. I see what it does to my girls and it is so unnecessary

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

Hello involved dads,

i'm glad that your time with your children is parenting time. If that was what my H was doing, then I would also call it that. He spends 30 hours total with them two times a month. No phone calls. That is visitation.

cm

Folks,

I use the term "visitation", because that's what the court calls it.

And we all know that "child support" is not used exclusively for supporting the child.

It's just a name, phrase, whatever.

-AD

Hi EL,

I don't know if this would be possible for you but I just recently go my oldest DD(13) a cell phone to keep for her and my younger DD(10) too so they can call me anytime when they are with their father(and vice versa) and for other emergencies.

I am not quite D'd just yet(almost there) but we have already set up some times for "parenting time"(PT) and already my WH is messing it up.He only gets the girls EOW because he lives almost 5 hours away and cannot see them during the week but just this past weekend, he ended up hanging around my home,the girls were coming in and out of the house,my WH was ringing the doorbell looking for them and when Sunday came around(he has them from Friday night till Sunday evenings) he claimed to be ill and had to leave early.

So not only did my girls only get half a day with him Sunday but I asked him what he would have done if I was not home and out with friends or something? No response.I quickly nipped that in the bud.He has his PT with the girls at a local motel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and check out is 11am so he has nowhere to go come Sunday and I think he was bored and dropped them off with the excuse of being sick.But he never called to tell me he was on his way to drop them off.He just assumed I had nothing better to do and will always be waiting for them at home.

I don't feel I need to have certain hours written in stone,at least not at this stage, but as a common courtesy we should be held accountable for our scheduled times,espcially him.Not adhering to these times or general times is just plain rude and disappointing for the children.I would not purposefully not be home when he was coming to pick up my girls.I expect he will not take advantage of me either but we will see.I just keep being the squeaky wheel if I have to to make sure he's doing what he should be.Four days out of the month to see his kids isn't asking much of my STBXWH.

EL,if your EX acts inappropriately or misses time with the kids,talk to them about it and let them tell you how they feel.More than once my girls have been disappointed with their Father and it's so sad to see their faces.I do what I can to counteract that sadness.I know there will be more of it coming though,unfortunately.sigh...

O

hello,
In my state "parenting time" ends sunday at 6pm. which is good when he brings them back on time.
It gives them time to wind down and recover. (he runs them around all weekend w/the ow and aren't at his home much). So they are completely exhausted when they get home. It was so bad last week my oldest was sick b/c she was so tired. mid week time is from 5:30 to 8:30 pm which i don't like b/c their bedtime is at 9pm. there's not time to recover.

AD,

What exactly is the child support paying for then?

I see it as helping to pay the mortgage on the house where they live, buy the wood that heats it, the electricity to run it, food, clothes, help put gas in the car that drives them to church and to and from the daycare. Am I missing anything?


cm

*chuckles*

I had to respond as I'm on the paying side of that child support comment, not by my choice of course.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">country mama said: </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">helping to pay the mortgage on the house where they live</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">buy the wood that heats it</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">electricity to run it</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">food</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">clothes</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">help put gas in the car that drives them to church and to and from the daycare</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please bear in mind that there is a smile on my face as I write. Those items just sounded so much like what the former wife told me and I had to disagree to a certain extent.

With or without children you have all the fixed expenses associated with either a mortgage or rent. In our area the former and I will pay almost the same thing for those fixed costs. Mortgage/Rent, Electric, Gas, Water, Phone, Cable and Internet access. Because of the efficency of her house and mine the power or utilities run almost the same. So as a BS who pays CS I say Nada....wrong answer. Even if she did not have the three children she would still pay the same for a decent apartment.

Food and clothes? That one I'll give over with no complaints. Yes, CS should be used to cover these items. I help out as much as I can but trust me, after the CS is paid I have very little left over.

Gas for car? Maybe....in our case I do most of the dropping off and picking up. I could probably count on 2 hands the number of times that the former has actually been to my house. Church? I have one weekend she has the other. Equal time there and equal travel for each of us. Wednesday's...I have one and she has the other, again equal time and equal travel. Possibly a school issue if there are lots of extra activities but even for those I carry an equal share. So I have to say no on the gas for Church and daycare. Even thought I hate it and I know the price of gas is killing all of us.

In our state daycare is actually already caculated into the CS payment system based on the age of the children. So CS should be used to pay for daycare.

Please......do not take me wrong here as I have paid CS without a hitch since our D in September of 2003, never been late and take as much time with my children as I can get. So much that it's almost more of a 50/50 when you factor in that I keep all the children when they are out of school for Holidays or sick as the former does not have the days off w/ pay, vacation time or sick days as I.

God Bless

Trusting Him,

You have some valid points, which I will agree. I would be maintaining a home which costs the same whether 1 or 3 live here.

If my H had not left me, he WOULD be helping to pay for all of those things; mortgage, electricity, car, etc. I guess I feel that he should still help to pay for those things, since that is where his children are. Now I, a former stay at home mom, must pay out of a much lower household income than before. My children would not be at daycare where it not for him; they would be home with me like he originally wanted.

I guess i"m just not yet in my "happy place". I'm still confused about why he quit the marriage, why he moved 2 hours away from his kids, and why he never calls them. Oh, and what did I do that was THIS BAD to deserve this?? Yes, some neglect and taking him for granted, but never cheated and never stopped loving him. And now I get to raise children by myself while getting back into the work force.

Sorry, I really am trying to get past this, and I do see your point in the cs issue.

CM

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: country mama ]</small>

I remember when my girls were small and I would say Oh I can't wait till they are in school it's going to be so much cheaper HA!!! I laugh at that
I swear there is always something they need money for, field trips, school pictures, supplies, clothes, shoes, more food, and we won't get into female teenagers and thier toiletries LOL.

Country mama don't worry you'll get to a happy place. It's hard especially when you did love someone so much. Child support is an issue many don't see eye to eye on. Both have thier points but all I know is I spend every penny I get on the girls and then some!

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

Trusting him,

A 1 or 2 bedroom apartment in my area is about $800 a month and the utilities run about $100 a month. No taxes, no insurance, no homeowner's association fees, no out of pocket costs to repair something like a leaky roof...

Please don't tell me about the expense of raising three kids compared to living alone. There is no comparison. The food, utilities, gas, and everything is much more $$ when you have so many other people to do wash for, heat water for showers for, and feed.

I'm sorry that you feel so bitter about what you pay. I'm well aware that child support is a crippling load - you may have read other posts by me that say that. I even paid child support ($100 a week) for my younger daughter, and drove a ratty 13yo car because I couldn't afford a better one between the support $$ and still trying to care for my other 3 children.

I didn't complain however, because I know how expensive it is to house and clothe and feed children. Even when my ex was living with his new doctor wife who paid for everything - even flying lessons!! Ah well.

Sunny

I dont think Trusting Him sounded bitter. He prefaced his reply saying he had a smile on his face.

I think he's just worried that some women might get high and mighty sounding (like I did) about asking for an accounting of where the CS money is spent.

My kids are little, so their expenses are fairly minor at this point. And I"m not even spending much on clothes at this point because I shop mainly thrift and get lots of hand-me-downs. I know that will change, however.

It would be interesting to ask a custodial parent to put CS moeny into an account and use that for strictly child uses. That might work well for clothes, lessons, etc, but difficult to do for food. I just might try it, though, to see how it works. Of course, I'm not working full time yet so I actually depend on CS right now to pay my daily living expenses. When I get a fulltime job in the fall I just might do that.

cm

Trusting him,
In my state, CS is designated to cover those items. Your X could live in a shack, but with kids the choice of residence and quality is usually higher. Your state's website would have listed the items CS is intended to cover.

We have daycare calculated outside of CS so as not to muddy the water. My X complains about the net $300 he pays for 2 kids (and must complain to the kids as they've mentioned it). I've told them it's less than the grocery bill for a month.

It doesn't matter the amount someone pays for CS, it seems who ever pays feels the need to complain about it.

Kids cost money - we all know that. It is our job to do the best we can for our kids, and provide them the best life possible (emotionally, physically, and not just financially).