Hi all!

The plan was for me to go canoeing this weekend with my STB X Brother in law and his friends. I'd leave Friday and come back Sunday night or Monday morning.

Thursday before I left, STB XW came by to drop something off. I noticed she was wearing it, then she points out that she had her ring resized, the one I gave her for xmas, and was wearing it on her wedding finger. um... did she just point that out for a reason??? Was it an accident? Or is she so thoughtless that I wouldn't think about it? Or is she just teasing me?

Anyway, she asks me for a hug, gives me a very tight one, then a kiss on the lips. We talk for a couple of minutes, holding each other in an almost hugged position, talked about her BF, which she says is not that serious... I'd love to know what that means. Then she says she'll come over next week to talk about things. We kiss again, she's really really sweet, then she gets in her car and leaves. So I'm left wondering what is going through her confused little mind... well actually I'm the confused one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The weekend canoe trip comes and goes, great trip, glad I went, but not one message from her on Sunday. I get home Monday and there was one, wanting me to get the kids from school, which I was anyway. So now I know... if she really was starting to come around, then she would have at least called and said something relative. But no, nothing from her at this point.

She did leave another message when I picked the kids up, saying that she was going to bring their stuff home, but had a "headache" and would do it later. She called around 8:00 and I asked her to just drop it off tomorrow while I was at work. Her response was agreeable, but she sounded disappointed.

The way I see it, I deserve better than just a tease from her and me chasing after. I'm open to seeing if there's a chance, but I'm not going to chase her. I'll give her every opportunity, but I can't back down and act like I'm her doormat all of a sudden. Maybe that's a mistake, maybe I should Plan A, but whenever I've even mentioned "our future" to her, she makes me feel like a fool, because I end up realizing I'm talking to a brick wall.

Ok, so I have a question for any women reading this... Would a woman wear a ring that her husband or boyfriend gave her, on her wedding finger and point it out, by accident?

It is giving me something to think about(lucky me), but I keep telling myself that nothing's changed. She's still cheating, she still doesn't love me, she still wants a divorce, she still is not the person I thought she was and the quicker the divorce is final the better. 1 week tomorrow until it's final... well depending on when the judge can sign it.

Part of me hopes that she comes around enough to put the D on hold, just so we can get into some counseling and just see if there's any reason to keep our relationship alive. I really do hate that she's thrown it all away without even trying.
But the part of me that knows better, is telling me to wish for smooth waters until it's final and get this mess over with and get on with my life.

Anyway, thanks for reading, sorry it's so long. I'd love to hear any thoughts about this if you have any <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks!
JB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok, so I have a question for any women reading this... Would a woman wear a ring that her husband or boyfriend gave her, on her wedding finger and point it out, by accident?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think it was by accident that she showed you the ring. It sounds like your W is confused and in turn makes you begin to ask yourself a thousand questions. Try not to do that, go about your life the way you want, of course be nice maybe even do a bit of a Plan A if you feel it would help (don't know your situation).

Go by her actions and protect your heart.

kb4jb,

I don't know why she would wear the ring and point it out.

However, continue your plan a/b--by that I mean, being nice to her, treating her with respect,
while also maintaining your own self respect by not chasing after her.

Going on about your own life and not focusing on her and what she's doing/not doing.

THAT is what is confusing her the most...your not
just sitting home pining away after her, your living your life. And your allowing OM to be the one to try and meet all her needs, and she's finding out now, He can't--

How do you know this? She's coming over and hugging and kissing on you--yet she's so 'in love'
with this OM?? NOT!!

So, continue being nice and respectful (plan A) to her when you see and talk to her, but keep it simple about the kids--and not the relationship
or what she's doing with whomever.

Thanks for the responses. As always I'm impressed with the helpful advice and opinions on this board. It's painful to post here (I was here years ago), but I'm so glad you are all here.

As far as OM is concerned... one of XW's friends(mine too) told me today that she met him and she thinks he's on Meth. Very skinny, very scummy. I saw a close up picture of him today. I feel a lot better, he really is ugly. He's Mr. Cool in a wanna be rock n roll band, so he's got that going for him. But what does my XW think... he's going to be loyal to her? He's only in town once or twice a month. Yeah, she's going to have a lot of needs unmet. And what is she expecting, he's going to give up rock and all the girls, move to our town, marry her, make her happy forever? If that's what she wants more power to her.

Anyway, the events(or non-events) for today went like this. My mother in law usually picks up the kids today from school. I hadn't spoken to her yet so I called my mom as a back up.

At lunch I tried my MNL at her home. XW picks up the phone... I didn't even recognize her. When I did, I guess I sounded a little stunned. She was like "sorry to disappoint you by answering"... it wasn't that, I was just surprised. Anyway I asked for her mom, who wasn't there, so I gave XW a message to give her mom about the kids. Then I said thanks and good bye, once again she acted sad that I didn't say anything else.

So anyway, my mom gets the kids from school. XW was suppose to drop their stuff from the weekend off at my house today while I was at work. She didn't bring it by. She did call while I was outside tonight. The kids spoke to her for a few minutes then tried to get me. I was watching ice melt or something so I asked them to take a message. Both kids said mommy asked a few times to have me call her back. I didn't call her back.

I know, if I wanted to be a better welcoming mat I should be friendlier. I'm not being mean or even rude or short, just to the point I think anyway. I'm sure she takes it as me being rude.

I really feel that it's not worth it to me to give her any affection at this point. I think I'd just be leaving my healing heart open for more pain. I'm starting to feel better, don't know if I will tomorrow or next week, but I can definitely look back over the last 3 weeks and see personal progress. I am very afraid of backtracking into more depression.

She KNOWS if she said the word I would try anything to avoid ending our marriage like we are doing. She knows I still love her. If she wanted our marriage back, she knows I would do my best to do what's right. It really wouldn't take much more than a knock on my door. That's how it started the last 2 times we got back together.

It's going to take more than the sad tone in her voice to get me to put any real effort into this. Maybe that's wrong of me... maybe I'm letting opportunities slip away. The way I feel, the worst that could happen is my divorce goes final, I move on, I keep the kids happy and healthy, and I end up happier in a matter of time.

The 22nd will be a month since it was signed. It could be finalized by the judge any day after that, depending on how backed up our AL courts are at that time. All it takes from me is a ten minute phone call and it's on hold. I'm not expecting to be making that call.

Thanks again everyone!

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 12:44 AM: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</small>

Since Baba has quit the boards, I'm going step in and say the non-MB thing. RUN AWAY!!!! FAST.

Your wife and you have a long history of a destructive dance. I'm not quite sure what part you've played in the ending of these marriages.That is only because I've only got on side of hte story.

Your STBX Wife, the one who is having yet another affair, is making sure she has you on a string.

She may be confused. I'll grant you that. Yet, her actions are cruel. She is not thinking about you at all. I doubt she's thinking about OM either.

Has your wife ever been in long-term therapy? Is there a possibility she has a personality disorder?

I'd also like to recommend a book by Dr. Bryn Collins, "Emotional Unavailability." In the Preface, Collins talks about being invited to a party. You're really excited about the party, it sounds like fun. You arrive and hear the wonderful music, hear laughter and smell good food. But, you are turned around because you don't have a covered dish, you rush home and make a covered dish. Then, you were supposed to come in costume, so you rush home and make a costume. Then, you are turned away because your hair isn't parted on the right. Finally, eventually, you are allowed into the party. It turns out the noises were coming from the TV, there aren't a whole lot of people having fun. There are a bunch of duds sitting on the couch staring at the TV while they drink cheap beer.

That is what it is like being with an emotionally unavailable person according to Dr. Collins.

Maybe I'm off base about your wife. Please tell me if I am. On the other hand, I think three strikes is quite enough in the grown up leagues.

Thank you for your response.

I'm not perfect, far from, but there is not one thing in the entire 15 years we've been together(off and on), that I am ashamed of doing. Well, I'm embarrassed about the divorces and re-marriages. I honestly have always been a loyal, dedicated, loving, caring and hard working husband. I'm sure I could've handled situations better, but I've always tried to do what's best and I've always shown her how much I love her.

I know she's just holding me on a string, but I don't understand why. If she wants to try, she needs to say so... playing games is not helping anybody.

She did go to a shrink a couple of times the last time this happened. She was on anti-depressants for a while. But as soon as she was back to feeling normal she quit taking them.

I've felt for a long time that she needed serious counseling. Normal people just don't act the way she does IMHO. As far as a personality disorder, I don't know what qualifies, but there are definitely phases she goes through. Um... without sounding bitter, I will say this... she admitted to me shortly after we got married the first time that I was the 15th guys she had sex with. When we were married, she was 18. Does that say anything about her personality besides being easy?

Anyway, today's a new day... I wonder what the day will bring.

Thanks again!

kb4jb,

IF she comes back again wanting to work on the marriage lay out some stipulations.

Counseling, marriage and IC, or pre-marriage (as the case may be)

Dating for a certain number of months in order to get to know who each of you have become through your time apart and hurts. And so that she can rebuild your trust for her, because right now, you have no reason to trust her.

IF it happens again there would be no 'next time'
on getting back together. Even if your only in the dating process of the relationship of working things out.

Let her know that no matter how much you love her, there is only so much hurt you will allow her to inflict upon your heart until you no longer wish to have an initimate relationship with her again.

So if you want to consider working things out, set up your boundaries. (and if you need help learning how to do that, read the book 'Boundaries') in order to do that.

Well, we spoke for a little while today and no, there will not be any talk of a reunion.

She blew off wearing my ring on her wedding finger as an oversight. Said she didn't think anything about wearing on the finger or in front of me. She did say she had "feelings" of wanting to spend time with me last week but those are gone.

Oh well, less to worry about... maybe I could've been nicer and more inviting, but I think I made the right choice by limiting our talks to as little as possible. I'm 100% sure if we would've tried right now, the way she is, we would have failed miserably. She's no where near ready for a true effort. Besides I would've made all my friends and family extremly mad, I would've ended up more heartbroken and the kids would've had their hopes crushed.

The path is clear. That part of my life has to be over.