we've been together for 8 years, married over 5. he has been raising my daughter from a previous relationship since she was born (before our marriage). they are devoted to each other and up until now, i thought things were rock solid. while visiting some friends out of town, i had way too much to drink, and the 3 of us ended up in bed. once sober and realizing what i had done, i am now freaking out. if it wasn't for ruining my daughter's life, i would tell my husband. i don't think he would be able to stay once he found out. i really love my husband and can't see life without him. god i am stupid. should i tell him and risk my daughter's happiness or keep it to myself?

Do yourself a favor...reverse the situation. How would you feel?
Would you rather hear it from him right away, or find out much later through someone else? Think about it carefully. Then go read some of the info about radical honesty on this board.

I would definitely want to know. He's been exposed to the threat of stds and deserves to protect himself by being tested.

I've heard that one night stands are the easiest type of affair to get over. If you tell him, he may surprise you and forgive you and rebuild your marriage.

If alcohol was the deciding factor, I hope you consider counseling. Alcohol is the main ingredient in lots of affairs.

If you keep this to yourself, your marriage will suffer. Maybe not right away, but someday. My H lied about his affair for 6 years. In that time, he was self medicating with alcohol, addicted to pornography and depressed. Even though it's hard, he's relieved that I finally know.

Good luck

yes, i really want to tell my husband and he does deserve to know. if i do, the negative effects on my seven year old daughter will be devestating. i feel like by telling my husband, i will be selfishly sacrificing my daughter's happiness. how would she be better off?

{{{{{{{{{{{{BlueBonnet}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are in exactly the same situation as my H was... only he stopped short of sex.

He waited 3 years to tell me, and then only .. because I already knew.

The toll it (the 3 yrs of lying) took on our marriage is horrible. You will feel guilty, and *change* in subtle ways, he'll pick up on it, and THAT is what could ultimately destroy your marriage. Honesty is soooo essential to a marriage. I can't count the number of times I've wished he had told me immediately. It would have been soooo much better if he had come home begging my forgiveness and expressing his remorse. Would I have been mad? YES! Felt betrayed? YES! Been brokenhearted, sad, furious, sick? YES! But .. gosh it would have been so much easier... Now I have to deal with all the damage done in the three years of lying.. wondering WHY he couldn't trust me and our love enough to be honest.. wondering HOW he could lie to me for so long... what ELSE is he lying about.. will I ever know??

He will find out sooner or later.. better sooner, and better from you. And when you tell him, be prepared for the fallout.. it will be horrendous. A literal hell on earth... So be prepared.

You may want to read the thread in General entitled "Help BS..." that was started by Froz to get some insight. Good Luck, and PLEASE come here often for support. There are a lot of Great people here who can help you during this time.

((((Hugs)))))

Baby

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

thanks

Tell him or risk having him find out from someone else. That is what happened to me and then the BS has to deal with not just the A, but the continued lying. He has been exposed to potential life-threatening illness. He should know. My husband gave me STD from OW. Don't think it cant happen to you. She had no idea she had it and neither did my husband or myself. I only went to the doctor because I suspected OW when my husband moved out.

swtbonbon

i want to thank everyone that responded. after reading lots of other posts about how BS's felt after finding out years later, or WS's wanting to confess years later, i realized i would eventually confess and i didn't want to live a lie or hurt my h anymore than i already have.

so i told him last night. i told him i was going to be honest with him about EVERYTHING, and once i did i realized how much i was actually keeping from him. i had no idea. if i confessed all those feelings and little things at the time they happened, things would have never gotten to where they are now. i thought that the loneliness i felt in my marriage would work itself out or go away, but instead i turned to alcohol and others for some sort of compensation. i have been trying to tell him for years that i feel lonely, but didn't know how to get him to take me seriously. in retrospect, i think that in some way i was trying to get through to him by having a one-night stand, but if i had just told him that i was worried i might have one because i was so lonely, i'm sure that would have helped a lot. of course, i would have had to have been a lot more honest with myself to figure that one out. i never thought i would be capable of doing what i did.

anyways, i am very grateful for the direction you all pushed me in. even if we don't work things out, this is still better than living a lie. at least we are really communicating now. it was definately the right decision to make, and i really think that we might work things out.

(((((((((Bluebonnet)))))))

I know that must have been a really hard thing to do, but it was the only RIGHT thing to do.

I am so proud of you for doing what you know can be the only way to keep your marriage and go on to improve it. It may not be easy right now. But it gives you an honest place to start over and make it sooo much better.

No relationship built on a lie can last forever. Honesty is the only way to find anything lasting.

Good luck and prayers for you and your lovely family. You did GOOD!

{{{{{{{{{{BlueBonnet}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You're going to be okay. What you did took a lot of courage, and I am so very proud of you. Your husband is a lucky Man.

You may want to print out the emotional needs questionnaire.. one for you and one for your husband.. now is the time to really start communicating and building your marriage.

Best of Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

maggierose
swtbonbon
Baby Blue
idontunderstand
thank you SO MUCH for telling it like it is, your posts were the main reason why i decided to tell my h right away - and i am so glad i did. i really think our marriage is going to end up stronger for it, even though we both have to live with what i did for the rest of our lives.

((((((((((Baby Blue)))))))))))))
((((((((((idontunderstand))))))))))
thank you so much for the encouragement. i don't feel proud of myself, but i am so glad i told him even though it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. at least i love him enough to be honest with him. my husband is so wonderful, and he really wants to work on our marriage. we had another long talk last night, and this time he started giving me some answers for the first time in 8 years. i feel so aweful that it took something like this for us to start really talking. and i feel so guilty about the incredibly selfish thing i did to the person i love most in the world.

i sent a note to the OP and told her i could never communicate with them (her and her boyfriend) again. that was very hard because she was my best friend for years, and a very close friend of the family. i know she feels horrible and guilty. i don't know what i'm going to tell my daughter when she starts asking why she never sees her anymore or asks if she can call her. they are very close.

h is blaming himself for part of what happened - saying he saw all the signs, but was so stressed out about other things that he didn't speak up. he says that he is really angry with me, very hurt, and that he can't believe i did this to him, but he feels that he is just as responsible for what happened as i am. he's not really acting angry though, just defeated. he hates being angry, and i'm afraid he is blaming himself in an attempt to avoid working through his anger at me. of course it's only been 2 days since DD, so maybe it will really hit him later. any suggestions?

You should feel very proud of yourself and your husband - you are both handling everything very well. You did the right thing to tell and he respects you for that. He is probably right to a point, you never should have done what you did and went too far, but he proably did have something to do with the feelings that lead you to the point where you made a poor decision. Yes, in a sense I think he is blaming himself so he does not have to be angry at you, it's easier to see your own faults (for me at least) than to see the ones of the one you love. . .tell him, yes, there are things you need to fix but I love you and I did this, I messed up and I am begging you to forgive me.