HELP!! I'm in need of some advice and encouragement (if possible).. My wife and I are now separated (she moved out 1 March).. We were in an in-house separation for 5 weeks prior to that.. Hind-sight would tell me I should have empowered her to move out when she first mentioned it, instead of trying the in-house thing - I think that hurt my chances here...

Just over two weeks ago, we were "together" intimately.. Just a week ago she was open to "possibilities".. She hadn't closed the door so-to-speak.. She was ok with going to marriage counseling and didn't seem in a hurry to get a "D". There was never physical abuse or cheating.. She basically got sick of me disrespecting her (yelling and stuff, and not attending to her emotional needs)..

Now she has said that there is no hope.. That where she is at mentally is "Divorce".. She says she can't get past the pain.. She knows she loves me, and that she'll probably always love me.. She also knows I've grown in leaps and bounds since this all happened (counseling, being a better person, etc.), but that it isn't changing how she feels... She is not allowing herself to feel compassion or love for me... She is very distant, and somewhat cold...

We have two children, 2 1/2 and 6.. My 6 yr old daughter is having a real tough time with all of this..

Tell me.. Why would my wife do the following??? I was over her place to pick up some stuff on Friday night.. While I was taking apart a box (for puppies) for her - she was being somewhat playful or light-hearted.. jokingly kicking me in the butt while I was bent over and stuff.. Well, she reached down to take a loose eye-lash off my cheek.. She holds it on her finger and said I needed to make a wish. My daughter was beside me, and she asked if she could make the wish. I said sure, knelt down beside her, held my wifes hand with the eye-lash and also held my daughters hand. My daughter wished: "I wish for my family to be back together". Then we blew off the eye-lash.. I looked up at my wife thinkging - holy ****... Talk about powerful... It hit a nerve with me.. but it didn't seem to do anything for my wife..

Since that happened, again, my wife has been pretty cold and distant to me.. She's been being kept very busy by her girl-friends making sure she is never alone.. and partying, drinking, and going out to bars and clubs..

I guess my question is: Where is her head at?? How can she not feel anything from that eye-lash incident??

I'm just trying to make it day by day, minute by minute.. being the very best person I can possibly be.. I've been trying to give her space and show her that I can have a life too - although it's nowhere near as exciting as her clubbing life... What am I to do?? If I can only get her to pause in her Divorce process, and somehow be open to "trying" something - anything to heal our marriage instead of tossing it aside... HELP??

J.D.

I suppose you have already assured yourself that there is not another man?

-AD

Hello JDS,
I went through a divorce in 2003. It is a very painful and humbling experience. I attended divorce care classes afterwords and learned a bunch about me and the ex-spouse. They said that "the lines of reconciliation run parallel with each other. Sometimes we waver away but sooner or later we always return." No one knows when or how long this last. I also learned quite a bit in counselling. You cannot change anyone but you!! Take this time and work on you. If you really care about her, be the best you can be. She will notice in time. If she does'nt then there is no harm done. It's all good. You will be a better person from it. If you don't go, find a good church to attend. We often look for answers within our own world but, I know who is my creator and has every answer. He holds the future and knows every detail of you and your spouses life. Hope this helps.

JDS-

My behavior also wavers quickly, like your W's. One minute I'm happy and giggling, the next I'm solemn or ready to cry. I depends on my mood. My M has been a rollercoaster of emotion. So guess what...my emotions go up and down.

I'm sure or situations are different, but the cause could be the same, esp. for people who have trouble letting go of the past in general. I'm one of those people, I tend to dwell and ruminate, feel guilt, hold grudges or obsess when I shouldv'e let go of things a long time ago. Even when I want to let go sometimes, I can't. If your W is also like this, that must be hard for her (and you, of course).

JDS,

You know reading your post I recognized and felt that desparation that I hear coming through. I'm sure you're not as rediculous with it as I was - but, I feel your pain.

You know, was there 1 particular situation that started this in house separation?

I'm really sorry to reiterate what AD mentioned before but, the first thing I thought of was another man was suddenly making her take stock of your marriage and whether or not she is currently satisfied.

I know if my husband's girlfriend Cheryl hadn't been in the picture I wouldn't be typing to you right now. (Of course he's treated her like gold [other than sleeping with me his wife] while he's still living with her. That totally makes the difference.)
There is no way if he did the things to her that he's done to me he'd probably been under the tires of her pricey SUV by now.

Now being in the situation and emotional state I've been I'm probably the last person to ask for advice in this.

As far as learning from my "mistakes" goes: I say try and let her know you want things to work as far as your family being together but don't beg. I've done that & I think it only pushed him further away and continued his disrespect for me. Like I said though, I feel that desparation sometimes and that groveling tendency kicks in.

I'm a great mother & wife and I'm pretty cute too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> dog gone it. It's moment by moment, but right now I know my little one and I deserve better.

If your wife does go through with this even though you'd be willing to do whatever to keep your family together - then you'd deserve better too.

Hey Too,

How are you ?

Hi JDS!

I have a couple of question for you? One is.. What is a in house separation? Is that like a marriage made out of convenience?

OK to better understand your story. Why the choice to separate? Was it just because there was a lack of respect? How long have you two been married and what has the relationship been like prior to the separation?

The reason why I am asking this is because her reason's seems to vague to want to end the marriage. My opinion that there is something else involve. Do you want the marriage? If you do there is a book out there that might help you get your wife back. Even though she did not have an affair or one that you see, this book has a strategy called Plan A. that I think you will benefit from it greatly.

I have learned something today that I think you can bring to the table. The single greatest cause of divorce is the insidious unspoken demand of couples that each person should make the other happy. There are feelings of empty and miserable inside themselves and refuse to make positive things happen in their life in which they can share with each other, enhancing their happiness together in the process.

Is she expecting you to make her happy? There is also a book out there called His Need/Her needs. I think you will benefit from that too.

Now getting to the intimancy issue. Who initiated it? Obviously there is some sense of feelings and maybe some uncertainty there.

But I am going to be frank with you. I think there is someone else involved. The signs are there. Especially if she has to be with her "friends" and cannot be alone. I think she was confused and not sure what she is doing. The eye lash thing? Guilt!

I would do more investigating and go from there. But in the meantime, please purchase those two books. And Plan A. her. I know you are in counseling but please continue.

Keep us posted and good luck!

Ali~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">although it's nowhere near as exciting as her clubbing life...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huge clue!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since that happened, again, my wife has been pretty cold and distant to me.. She's been being kept very busy by her girl-friends making sure she is never alone.. and partying, drinking, and going out to bars and clubs.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even bigger clue

Did you ever try taking her out? I think she might feel that she has fallen victim to just the mommy role. Something is missing in her life. She might had found a temporary solution or there might be someone.

Again get those two books I mentioned above. I cannot stress that enough to you!

Ali~

Hi everyone.. and thank you very much for responding.. Please keep it coming.. I need all the help I can get..

Some background info on us I guess would help.. My wife and I have been together just under 12 years, and married about 7 of them. About two years ago we had a big fight and almost separated.. I told her I would get counseling.. I didn't.. We did work on things, and things were better for a couple/few months, but then we slid right back into our old patterns.

The issues we have been dealing with are that we stopped attending to each other's needs.. My mostly.. I started feeling frustrated and angry.. I started treating her with disrespect.. We lost that in-love feeling, but yet we had a family and we do love each other..

Her life center was an animal shelter that I had built that was located at our house.. In July of last year, we sold it to try to focus on the family. I think that was a major factor in this downhill slide.. We rented a small house for a few months, and then bought a small ranch house in November. The house needed alot of work, so we all sort of camped out in the living room for 2+ months..

Her and I went on a business trip on 15 January - that she evidently had in her mind as a fresh start for us. I thought the trip went well, but evidently I wasn't tuned into what she was thinking and feeling. Within days of getting back from that trip - she made her mind up that we needed to separate.

She had a job unti about mid-February.. At this job, she encountered a male friend, and they bonded emotionally.. It was evidently quite strong, and it bothered a great deal that she could let herself do that while married. She swears there has never been anything physical, but I don't know that for sure. She and her friends say she hasn't been talking to him for a few weeks now. But again - I don't know for sure.

The in-house separation was recommended by my counselor and Chaplain.. It basically means that we set boundaries for contact and give each other space while still operating in the same house. Unfortunately, I evidently did not give her enough space, and we were together physically atleast every week during that time. She eventually said that she can't think clearly while under the pressure of the relationship, and the only chance we had was to separate.

We have been on an emotional roller-coaster, and she had mentioned that. She said she was tired of it, and wanted to get off.

I want my marriage more than anything I've ever wanted before in my life... I love her so very much.. I am so very sorry for not treating her the way she should have been.. I have asked God to forgive me and come into my life. I asked to be saved this past Friday night. I have conveyed to her that I want nothing more in life than to heal our marriage, but it seems the more I am loving to her, the more she moves away from me.

I did get both of us a copy of His Needs Her Needs, and she was reading it.. Unfortunately, it seems to be backfiring on me.. She views it as His Needs His Needs... I also have the Lovebusters Book, and I think that one might be a better one for her to read because it talks about rebuilding the love in the marriage.. Unfortunately, I don't think at this point she would be open to reading anything.. She seems to have absolutely no desire to put any effort into saving our marriage.. and that is just killing me!!

What is this book you talk about "Plan A"???? I've got the book Divorce Stopper and the 180 list, and I've been trying to implement that for the past 5-6 days, but so far, I see not only no change for the good, but almost a resiliance to proceed quickly with the divorce.

We used to go out, but we've had so much going on and so much stress over the past year + that we haven't gone out much.. Heck, we haven't even had our own bedroom since July of last year.

I noticed yesterday when I was picking up the kids, that for the first time, she did not have her wedding ring on!! That tore me up, but I didn't say anything. I also noticed that next to her bed was some sexy linguere (?). Of course I'm reading into all of this, but it is in-line with her recent actions..

This morning I when I dropped the kids off, I noticed a pamphlet she had regarding the divorce process, and child support. She appears to have gone to get legal counsel.. This is so very sad.. Even if we were to get a divorce, why would she want to get lawyers in a big expensive fight.. I would think she would want to do this ourselves to save the atmosphere for the kids and of course the money. Because she must know, if she starts putting up a big fight, I am going to as well.

This whole thing is making me sick... I'm trying so hard to be upbeat and not angry and aggressive, but my heart is breaking more and more every day... Every day that she seems to be running out the door of our lives together.. I'm so sorry for the kids.. I'm being the best dad I can be... Dear God, help me!! Please help me to do whatever I can do to posture our family to be reunited.. Please give me strength, because I am feeling so very week...

I called her last night to have the kids say goodnight to her.. She seemed to be down or sad or something.. I asked her if she was ok or if something was wrong... She said no, but I just got the feeling she was feelling down.. I asked if there was anything I could do to help, she said no... Again, maybe I'm reading into things.. maybe she was down about something else.. I don't know... I just know she is making a huge mistake...

Please - any words of encouragement or help - I would love it... Like I said, I just don't know if I can handle being single again... I'm 41 and I want love and devotion in my life, not club hopping and people being fake, and all that... I'm so over that...

JDS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The single greatest cause of divorce is the insidious unspoken demand of couples that each person should make the other happy. There are feelings of empty and miserable inside themselves and refuse to make positive things happen in their life in which they can share with each other, enhancing their happiness together in the process.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so true!!! I think so many people do this, I know I started to in my marriage now and luckily I started IC and started to recognize it. Heck even Dr. Phil says that you've got to continue to be a couple that is the best thing parents can do. Life can take over and in the mean time your relationship gets lost. Now realizing this you can let your wife know all of this.


What you told us sounds like my friend, K, she has been married to J for awhile and they have 2 small children. She's talked to him over and over about thier marriage and she says it fell on deaf ears. She told him if he's serious about wanting to make the marriage work he would be the one to find counseling. that was 2 years ago and they are just payin off as much debt as possible, going to sell the house. It really saddens me because they really could have a great marriage if they would open up and listen to each other, show some respect, love, commitment. I know K has tried but is tired of trying with a man that she feels doesn't care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The issues we have been dealing with are that we stopped attending to each other's needs.. My mostly.. I started feeling frustrated and angry.. I started treating her with disrespect.. We lost that in-love feeling, but yet we had a family and we do love each other..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go back and read your post and see where you attributed to things going down hill in the marriage, tell your wife you know this and want to make it better. Plan A her, go to IC, make some great changes in you. She is probably afraid to trust you because nothing changed before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She had a job unti about mid-February.. At this job, she encountered a male friend, and they bonded emotionally.. It was evidently quite strong, and it bothered a great deal that she could let herself do that while married. She swears there has never been anything physical, but I don't know that for sure. She and her friends say she hasn't been talking to him for a few weeks now. But again - I don't know for sure.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huge red flag there!!!

Read as much as you can heck even Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil is a good book, his other book self matters.

Hi JDS,

Plan A. is a plan that helps a Wayward spouse come back to the marriage. Although you have no proof that she is cheating, I think it will help. Plan A. is in the book "Surviving an Affair" by the same author. Dr, Harley.

She might be so caught up in herself right now that she cannot focus on the changes. It not fair that she took that book and turned on to you. WE ALL PLAY OUR PARTS IN A FAILING MARRIAGE. I guess in order to use that book you have to be honest with yourself! Sorry that she did that to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that she evidently had in her mind as a fresh start for us. I thought the trip went well, but evidently I wasn't tuned into what she was thinking and feeling. Within days of getting back from that trip - she made her mind up that we needed to separate. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, she had it in her mind. Did she communicate this to you? Oh I see, LOL here, your button to read minds was broke that day, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That is a total misconception again that the SP is supposed to know what the other is thinking. If God wanted us to know what others were thinking, he would have given us that ability. But what he did give us was a we to communicate to each other and somehow that seems to be neglected! Why? We are people so afraid to ask what they need from a love one?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I noticed yesterday when I was picking up the kids, that for the first time, she did not have her wedding ring on!! That tore me up, but I didn't say anything. I also noticed that next to her bed was some sexy linguere (?). Of course I'm reading into all of this, but it is in-line with her recent actions.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO! You are not reading into this. WAKE UP! She is seeing someone. I am 100% positive. Someone other than you are meeting her needs what ever that may be. Start plan A'ing her NOW! Trust me I have been there. Husband cheated on me and I have been on this board for almost two years and I have seen it all! Also I am a woman with great intuition <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So again start looking into this.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She had a job unti about mid-February.. At this job, she encountered a male friend, and they bonded emotionally.. It was evidently quite strong, and it bothered a great deal that she could let herself do that while married. She swears there has never been anything physical, but I don't know that for sure. She and her friends say she hasn't been talking to him for a few weeks now. But again - I don't know for sure.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean look what you are posting? She is seeing this guy! BIG RED FLAGS waving in front of you.

Right now, you are in a form of denial. A lot of BS go through this and don't want to see the signs of cheating. This is a way of protecting yourself. It is also called a fog. Or a wall being built up. My H. wanted to divorce me to be with other woman and was very cruel to me. He was also very topsy turvey in his actions. He was nice and then he would scream and yell at me over nothing. We were also living apart because he took a job in another state. LOOONG story there!

Forgot! Are you still seeing a therapist? Please continue. Ask your T. if you can go on some type of anxiety meds because you are going to need it now. It is going to be a hell of a ride and you need your mind to settle yourself.

I am soo sorry this is happing. I have been there and I know first hand what you are going through.
Anyway, can you get someone to watch the kids for a weekend?

Ali~

Heh, TessW.

Thanks for checking in. I'm doing OK. The sitch at home is about the same (some changes..I'm about to post a new thread). But H said he'd try to lose weight as a way of maybe fixing our problem. We're giving it six months. We'll see.

How are you?

Too

Thank you Ali,, and everyone else..

Yes - my situation does ring true for the affair.. and I already know she had the EA.. I guess I'm just not allowing my heart to see it...

Thank you for the Plan-A information.. I will get that book asap... I have the book Divorce Stopper.. but I don't think I'm going to have the time necessary to have any effect with that.. I'm still trying it, but like I said, I don't think she's going to give this any time.. I think she's going to file right away - if she hasn't already..

I am still praying for a miracle to come into our lives and for her to realize that we have way too much to just give up on..

My heart is hers.. probably forever.. regardless of what happens.. I love her so much.. Maybe she'll see (after time) that I've grown.. and I'm no longer the person that caused her to feel the way she is feeling right now...

I only have the kids until tomorrow night.. Then she has them, and I won't see them again until the following Friday night - at which time I'll have them for 7 days... I'm gonna miss them terrible.... Man this sucks!!!

You talk about your wife drinking, partying, going to clubs. Is that really what you want for your two small children? Are YOU the one watching the children when she goes out on the town? Are you into the same lifestyle that she is? It just surprises me when adults with children want to act like juveniles. Does your 6 year old daughter see her drinking and partying all the time? This whole thing smells like a great big A to me! I hope you are the mature one out of the two of you so your children can grow up with a different role model.

Great! Plan A. works right away.

I would suggest you start to post on JFO too. But a lot of us here had been through the same thing.

Let me know what you think of the book. OK? BTW, Some things in the book is very difficult to read because it almost stabbs you in the gut!

Ali~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heart is hers.. probably forever.. regardless of what happens.. I love her so much.. Maybe she'll see (after time) that I've grown.. and I'm no longer the person that caused her to feel the way she is feeling right now...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you to own up to some of the problems in the marriage. Not a lot of people are willing to take a huge leap like that!

Ali~

Thanks for getting back to me..

I haven't found the book yet at any local book stores, but I'm still looking.. I have owned up to my part in this whole mess.. and I'm doing everything I think a human being can do to change the path they were on.. I feel really good about that, but it seems to be having no effect on her.. She seems like she never loved me... atleast that's the way it seems..

She parties and goes out to clubs on the weeks that I have the kids... I guess she did have a bunch of friends over one night and got drunk while the kids were upstairs sleeping.. I have not been doing any of those things. I have been trying to find a part-time job or some education to fill my time, as well as activities in my church. Unfortunately though, I do not have the friends calling on me to make sure I'm ok or not alone like she does.. She has been have very little alone time throughout this whole thing.

My daughter is taking it hard... and I'm still reading mixed signals from my wife.. For instance: On Friday my wife and I together went to meet with the Chaplains to discuss financial issues with the separation. She stated she is definitely getting a divorce.

After the meeting, I asked her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat. She said fine.. We had a very pleasent lunch.. Then I took her home, and only planned on staying a few minutes. She said she had to go out to shovel a walk - I asked if she needed/wanted any help. She started shoveling, so I playfully threw a snow-ball at her.. Well, a fun snow fight ensued.. We laughed and had fun.. I then finished the walk for her.. Went in and said I'd see her later when I brought the kids to her..

Later that night when I dropped the kids off.. We got there - she was upstairs watching TV.. The kids started playing with her.. I joked around with them and my wife for a few minutes.. Then I gave my kids hugs and said I'd see them all later.. I started to leave.. My wife got off the bed and followed me.. She said "where you going".. I said I was leaving.. My daughter was trying to stop me (obviously she wanted my wife and I to hug).. My W walked into the bathroom and went (#1) with the door wide open right in front of me.. Once she got done, she came out.. My daughter wanted us to hug, so we did.. My wife hugged me real tight, and for probably about 30 seconds.. It seemed real long. I hugged her back, stroked her hair.. I loosened up a couple of times, but she kept a tight hold... Then finally she let go.. I said see ya later, and I was gone..

This is sending me very mixed signals... Should I be reading into this stuff?? I know she loves me - but most of the time she is very cold and all business to me... She states over and over that she just wants this divorce over with so that she can get on with her life... She also made the comment that "what's to stop us from dating after the divorce?" Am I crazy here, or is something messed up?? Please help??

Simple. She is confused. Maybe she is afraid of letting go. Do you have a Barns and Noble? You can order the book through there. Or on Amazon.com

Somewhere on this forum there is a link to Plan A.
Post it on Just Found Out. Topic line "How do I find Plan A? You will get a lot of responses. Or you can post it on General questions too!

I know the frustration you are going through. My H. cheated on me and I was dumbfounded because I couldn't understand what I did. He admitted to me and my therapist that I was meeting his every need
It is frustrating but try to take it one day at a time. It is hard I know. But you should get involved with something that you enjoy.

BTW, has she discussed custody with you yet?


Ali~

Well you might as well have written my life, my STBX and I were doing the same thing and then I moved out. Now one thing is different is that he does drink and that is when he yells at me. However when he doesn't drink its the Norman Rockwell family.

Like your wife went through the same stage she is going through. I never knew what other life was out there except for my life as a wife and mother and then another man gave me glimpse and I too had the EA going.

The problem is that everything is focused now on the career woman and the single dating woman and those of us who have been in a relationship since we were in our late teens or early twenties and we have never seen how the other half lives we think we are missing something. For example why do you think the show Sex in the City was so popular.....that is what the women are doing now and that is what all the married women wished they had done.....well part not all...

She has to get it out of her system so to speak but you need to back off completely and when she trys to do the flirty thing and act like she still is wife, you need to set boundaries for her. Believe me if she sees you ok with everything (even if your not) she will freak out that she will no longer have her cake and eat it too.....

You are to valuable a person to allow someone to make you feel that there life is more important than yours... She has you right where she wants you....She has her life, her friends, and your life too.....

Make your life your own....also as far as the kids are concerned..confusing your daughter is hurting her only more...I know this because my kids were seeing the same thing with my STBX and I...

My STBX just left the state and is staying with his parent's for a while, before then I was doing the friend and clubbing thing....(not a lifestyle I would want to be in but I thought I was missing out...NOT) anyway he left and the next day I was crying my eyes out...I no longer had my crutch and low and behold I still have feelings that I thought I would never have again.

Now my situation is different only in that he is an alcoholic and has no intentions of stopping not even for his kids....(if he had and went to counseling I would probably still be with him....however alot of unhealthy pain)

Hang in there, but remember you are a good person don't blame it all on yourself...it takes two....

Catch a movie with your friends and do something you enjoy show her you have a right to a life too.

Thank you Ali and Left,,

I really, really appreciate people posting back.. It helps a great deal..

Your insights are very good.. and I agree.. I guess.. :-) She does seem confused.. I would hope it isn't that she is afraid of letting go.. I would rather it be that she has feelings for me that she is basically forcing herself to ignore because it doesn't really fit into her plan right now...

I hope you're right about getting it out of her system... As wierd as that sounds, it gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it could possibly include the both of us back together.. I am trying so very hard to "back off".. but as of yet, it doesn't seem to be bothering her one bit.. She seems so strong and focused, and I feel so weak and messed up. Her sister told me that she feels it is a phase she is going thru, and that she will come back to me at some point - but she didn't know when that would be... Again, sounds hopeful, but of course she could be wrong!!

As far as custody.. right now we are operating in a 50/50 custody arrangement.. She has the kids for 7 days, and then I have them for 7 days.. We are supposed to have that written up into a formal separation agreement on Thursday. She is also being instructed and shown about the forms necessary for filing for divorce.. I feel she will start the process very shortly (immediately or within days) after that... unfortunately.. I then would have up to 12 days to respond.. and then once I do that - there is a 60 waiting period.. Once that is done, then the court proceeding can be scheduled, and it could be all over with within a month after the 60 day waiting period. :-(

I feel the same - that she is having her cake and eating it too... I am trying so hard to get my life going, and to send the signal that I'm not necessarily going to be here waiting on her... even though I am right now.. But I don't know if doing this is stiffening her resolve or what, but I don't think I've ever seen anyone so determined and focused on one thing before in my life... Yet, just 3 weeks ago, her and I were "together" intimately, she said she loved me, and was open to working on the marriage.. How can she change so drastically in such a short amount of time??

I have to admit - I'm confused... and I'm hurting big time... I'm going to keep working on me, (like what else am I going to do?).. and of course I'm going to keep praying... but it sure would be nice if she were to make "any" concessions on her part... it would give me hope..

I look forward to hearing from all of you.. It helps more than I can say...