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<small>[ November 13, 2002, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: newlywednsad ]</small>

I'm no expert here, so take my advice with a grain of whatever.

Sounds like you have a relationship -definitely, enough history- worth putting some energy into.

It sounds like you have a lot of pent up feelings of love bank depletion. Not all fellows are the "romantic" variety; I'd take genuine love over romance, personally. But if it is important to you, it wouldn't hurt to drop him a few hints before important events.

Of all the needs you mentioned, I would worry about two the most: #1) that he conveniently doesn't recall your conversation about the club, and #2) that he's never stood up for you in front of his mother.

I experienced #1 several times until I told my H that lying to me hurts me, and while I could not prove he lied, if he is, then he can explain it someday when he meets his maker (I felt instantly relieved to give him the message that someone greater than both of us knows for sure; there have not been many lies since then).

For #2, I have not experienced it, but my mother did, and it slowly eroded the marriage over 32 years until it fell apart. I don't think it would hurt to let your H know that when you decided to get married, you were chosing him to become your immediate family member (for now) and hope he regards you the same way. It must be hard for any man to tell the woman who raised him that he sides with a different woman. My Dad could never do it. Part of it may be the kind of woman she is: will she take it lightly or will she reject him for it? Part of it could be that the issues that have come up so far are not important enough for him to risk a family rift. (I think, though, if you've been together almost 5 years, some important things have probably come up.) This one, therefore, needs some work or at least some heavy reflection. (Wish I know how to guide you except to say that in-laws are like a "package deal", so you'll probably need to swallow a little pride from time to time to keep the peace, but make sure you work on it with your H before your "immediate" family gets any bigger.)

Good luck.

This seems to me like normal "manly" behavior....especially under peer pressure which I'm sure there was alot of that. Sounds more than anything that you have communication difficulties. No marriage is going to be without the fights and difficulties...it's how BOTH of you handle the problems that will make it work or not. sometimes it's best not to make a big deal out of the smaller things. It is really great that you guys were able to talk about this. that shows right there that you have something most marriages dont..communication. My ex's mother told me OFF one time and my ex just stood there. we've all had situations as similar to yours. Mine proposed over the phone sitting in a phone booth 1200 miles away. then came home and said "are we lookin at rings or what?"....so each man is different just like each marriage is different. You married him for a reason..so try to remember those reasons when you get frustrated about the other things.
best of luck

Thanks for the replies. You both made me smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

nailbiter -

I agree it is annoying he claims to forget the conversation, but I never made it a big deal. I just said it when we were discussing the parties and upcoming weekend, almost in passing. It was something like, "do whatever you like, Honey, I want you to have fun. If you decide to go to a strip club, that's ok - I will not like it and if you have a lap dance or if there is any touching, I would feel very hurt, but you can do anything you want, I want you to have fun and enjoy the night with your friends." I honestly never thought he do what he did. . .but hey, I was wrong. I felt he should decide what he could handle and do what he wanted. I think it was just the peer pressure. I honestly believe it will not happen again and that he did not like it. So I hate what he did, but need to drop it. . .I am so emotional, overly so, that's my issue. He never speaks to his mother now, not since the wedding. Instead of confronting her and saying hey, you are hurting me and the woman I love - he avoids her. I don't know. . .

Monkey gurl -

You made me laugh - ahhhhhhhh - you are soooooooo right men are so clueless sometimes - that's why they need us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LOL hahahah I know he's not all bad, I just feel that I put so much into us and get well not much out, while he puts little in and reaps so much. I feel like he loves what he gets from us and I love him. . .but you are right. I am way too emotional.

Do we ever TRULY know how our men "act" when we're not around? and the question should be "do we WANT to know?"..... I caught my ex in the bathroom closed in there telling his best friend about a situation that happened at work. (my ear was at the door..hehe) and when he came out I asked why he couldnt tell ME that story and laugh like he did to his friend. well the story was about some girl showing her crotch to my ex...supposedly that's the story. He's in medical and the girl was undressed for the doctor. ... I dont know the details..nor do I care at this point...lol BUT ... he said he thought I'd get mad at him and be hurt. I told him I woulda been peeved but I'd have laughed and realized I could trust you and you had nothing to hide. well WOA did I know what THAT man had to hide!!!!!! lol well that's water under the bridge..almost. =) point is....what he does on his free time is his time and if you ask ... you should be ready for him to be honest. he was honest and you have more than most relationships have if ya have that! so you should smile.

ok I have to say something....how in God's green earth can you come into this entire board and post the SAME message in all the topics crying out for help? That is so psycho.

I'm sorry but most of the people on here are hurting and come here for advice or emotional support. At first I thought that was why you were here as well. then I saw that you're coming into ALL the discussions sayin "am I being silly?" like taking up everyone's time to respond to you to reassure you that you're acting insecure!
that just ticked me off when I went into the other boards and saw the SAME message. What a cry for help.

I am sorry - I certainly did not mean to do that. . .I guess I was not sure what I was feeling or were to go. I am sorry to have offended or upset you. I understand your point and agree that was a bit psycho as you put it. I should try to relax and let it go more. I am sorry to have upset you. Thanks for your advice. If I could delete the posts I would but I can't so I can only apologize and say i hope you'll try to understand. . .