I have been separated from my husband now for 2 months.

Maybe someone out there might have some advice for me.

This marriage will be our third each. We have 10 children all together. 6 his, 3 mine, 1 ours. We have been together for a little over 9 years, but we would be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary in Aug.

Our marriage really hasn't been a good one. but we both are still in love with each other. It's just me. All these years together, my husband has accused me of cheating all the time. I have never cheated on him, nor do I want to. I have worked so hard to keep this marriage going all this time. I have just gotten tired of him always accusing me and when we are in a really bad argument, he calls me names that you wouldn't call your wife if you really loved her.

I work and he's been basically unemployed our whole married life. He had his own business for about 3 years, but it really didn't do that well. I still had to pay all the bills and help support all of our children, grandchildren. Most of the jobs I have had were 7.00 an hour to 9.00 and it just wasn't enought to support the household, and I was juggling bills and going crazy.

He has been trying to ensure me that he has changed and really wants to work things out. We had been seeing each other, just about every day. This monday, he asked if I had thought about our marriage and if I had an answer. I can't make that decision due to my hurt being so deep...I am afraid if I take him back, it will go right back to the same stuff. I am 43 and I can't take much more.

I just don't know if getting divorced is the right thing. That's where it's headed. Can anyone help?

Read the Concepts section of the MB website to help you better understand your marriage and what you can do to repair it. This is a marriagebuilding site, and there are many tools available to help you in that vein.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lisabeth:
<strong> Our marriage really hasn't been a good one. but we both are still in love with each other. It's just me. All these years together, my husband has accused me of cheating all the time. I have never cheated on him, nor do I want to. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, if he's accusing you of something you've never done, I don't see how it can be "just" you. There are people who shift responsibility for their own insecurities onto others, and try to make the OTHER person responsible for their own shortcomings.

You also mentioned his calling you names. This can be a symptom of the same thing - tearing someone else down to build themselves up.

I don't know if this is what is happening to you, but the symptoms you describe are certainly familiar.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I work and he's been basically unemployed our whole married life. ......Most of the jobs I have had were 7.00 an hour to 9.00 and it just wasn't enought to support the household, and I was juggling bills and going crazy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another symptom! He can't do anything at all, while you can't do enough.

I really don't mean to judge your situation. I've been in a similar situation (twice actually), and learned much too late that I was the scapegoat for things that were neither my fault nor my responsibility. I was basically being used. I was needed because there had to be someone else to be responsible.

For me, I was NOT able to see these things when I was physically in the situation. My own mental health returned when I left, and I began to see things differently. In one case a therapist tried to tell me what was happening, but I still couldn't see it. Maybe someday I'll be able to, but not now. For me, reality is turned upside down when I'm with someone like this, and I can't see clearly enough to know where I end and he begins, or where my responsibility ends and his begins.

The warning signs for me are the confusion - and me questioning whether I'm responsible for things being screwed up. I've learned that when I have to question it, and struggle to find the answer, chances are it is NOT my problem after all.

I appreciate so much what you said.

I couldn't stand it tonight, so I went to his place, only to get into another argument.

He has been trying to change through all of this because finally, he has seen what he has done. I feel all these changes are just false and that he will begin to treat me the same way if I take him back. He just wants to get his foot back in the door because he has nothing right now. No job, no money and come next week, no place to stay.

I wish I hadn't went to his place tonight. The first thing out of his mouth was "I'm going to have to find somebody else to get me through this." I mean, really now, is that something I wanted to hear? He really has a way of controlling me and my mind. I have been feeling so bad today. I feel so sorry for him, and I am beginning to wander if I am doing the right thing. I sometimes feel I should have never told him to get out that night. I should have just continued letting him hurt me. I'll tell ya, it didn't feel as bad as the hurt I'm feeling now.

My Mother, God bless her, is a wonderful woman. She is 100% sure I am doing the right thing. She is a fabulous christian woman, who does not believe in divorce, but she knows that this is not right for me, and her and Dad both are so tired of worrying about me. They have seen too much.

How do I turn off my feelings for him? How do I finally let go? If, through all of this, he could have found a job, or at least tried really hard, I think I would have taken him back.

I have felt so used, and taken for granted all these years, and for me to say, "Honey, come home" is really hard. He thinks I am making excuses. I can't explain to him the major hurt he has caused. I can forgive, but I can't forget. What am I supposed to do, just let him come home and wonder when it's going to happen? What kind of marriage would that be?

He is saying that this is all my fault now because I won't take him back. Is it? Am I taking these feelings of hurt too far? Is this something that I can overcome? I know I have prayed to God every day and every night to help me make this decision.

You see, I left him back in 2000 for the same reason. I moved in with my parents for about 3 weeks. I heard from him how he would change, wouldn't say those things to me again. I believed him and now, look at me.

You know, I went to jail one night because I smacked him. I had good reason. He called me a *unt, and said it twice. I hit him twice. I know it's against the law to hit someone, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't take it anymore. He called the police. When the police came, he tried to talk them out of taking me to jail. He tried to tell them I didn't hit him. I wasn't going to lie, and I didn't. I have never, ever been in trouble and it really hurt me badly to go to jail. I was so humiliated.

I just wish I would either take him back and forget the whole thing or learn not to love him anymore and get on with my life. I am too old for this stuff. I am exhausted and so tired of the fighting.