Has anyone ever sent a goodbye letter to their former spouse before divorcing? If so how was it received and did you regret doing it?

I've got one written basically with the content of...

Your affair hurt me
Admit my part in marriage failure
Identify affair as wrong regardless
Identify your failing in marriage
Identify that our marriage wasn't a sham
Express regret for you choosing affair instead of working on marriage
Say I am moving on with my life

Should I send it or should I just keep it to myself? I want to send it, but I'm wondering whether I will regret sending it.

Miker

“””Your affair hurt me”””

Do you think that she doesn’t know this? Do you think it matters to her?

”””Admit my part in marriage failure”””

OK So you’ve seen where you were wrong, hopefully identified any character flaws and are working on them. What does that now have to do with her?

”””Identify affair as wrong regardless”””

Do you believe affairs are wrong? Then why do you want to hear her say it..

”””Identify your failing in marriage”””

If she hadn’t stopped reading it before then, that would be the place she’d stop. Does this have any positive impact on your life?

”””Identify that our marriage wasn't a sham”””

Look at the kids in the morning, it wasn’t a sham. What more validation do you need? Why are you seeking validation from her?

”””Express regret for you choosing affair instead of working on marriage”””

Who’s regret, hers, she obviously didn’t care, so why should this change her mind?

”””Say I am moving on with my life”””

Don’t need to tell her, show her.

“””Should I send it or should I just keep it to myself?”””

IMHO you print it out, delete it off your computer, and throw it in the fireplace as a token of you burning what was left of your feelings for her. Take heed of where your anger was focused, for it is there that you need work on or within yourself to heal and move on. I can see absolutely no positive impact that sending that letter will have on you or your children, what else matters?

LH,

Very good points. I see where you are coming from. My hope was that it would let me get some things off my chest so they didn't burden me. But I agree that trying to make her to see it the same way that I do is a lost cause. She won't and it'll just end up making me more frustrated.

Thanks,

Miker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miker:
<strong> My hope was that it would let me get some things off my chest so they didn't burden me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And by putting it all there in front of you on paper, I hope that it did just that. They are your thoughts, your feelings, your pains, your admissions, yours, yours, yours. They need validation from no one but you. Plus I do have a sneaking feeling that if you were to send that, you would place an expectation on her reply, when that wasn't met it would simply lead to more resentment. By placing any thought on her, you are continueing to give her power on your thoughts & your feelings.

Now I'm going to say something that is SO SIMPLE, it ain't easy, heck it took me a long time to do it, but forgive her, take back all your power and move on. Heck, pray for her, if you're a religous man and if you can pray nothing else just say "God, give her what she deserves.", He will....

But imagine every resentment that you have towards her as a rock. I rock here and there ain't nothing but bothersome but if you have a bunch of them then before too long, they are going to drag you down.

So you don't want this to "burden you heart" then make a choice to no longer feed it, it will die....

Bill,

After further reflection I think in reality my goal of that letter was to try to sabotage WW and OM's relationship. I was trying to disguise it in "releasing burden" and "moving on" but I think I'm still hung up on destroying the thing that destroyed my marriage.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This attempt was directed at trying to make WW feel guilty.

... sigh ... I really have to get past this somehow

Miker

I wrote something that was very meaningful for me. I'm not sure I would recommend it for everyone, but it helped me tremendously. The version that I posted over on GQII is a little different than what I ended up sending to my ex. I found that I needed only a few short words to my ex. And the most important? I am done. I'm done because I want to be done, because it's what I need, because it's where I am. Not because of what you want. Because of what I want.

There is tremendous freedom in finally, finally being able to say that. You can't say it "like" you mean it. Only when you're actually there and DO mean it does it become powerful. And when it is? Then life changes a lot.

Miker,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After further reflection I think in reality my goal of that letter was to try to sabotage WW and OM's relationship. I was trying to disguise it in "releasing burden" and "moving on" but I think I'm still hung up on destroying the thing that destroyed my marriage.... [Frown] This attempt was directed at trying to make WW feel guilty. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Miker, my man you are seeing this ALL WRONG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You want them together...they deserve one another. You have the most precious thing from that marriage the children and she has...OM. Wow what a bargin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So do you want to trade her? I think not.

However, IF you really want revenge, then try this time honored and most effective form of revenge. I believe it was Churchill or perhaps Shaw that said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best revenge is a life well lived. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Miker, raise those kids, love them, laugh with them, cry with them, embrace life and those that WILL enter it. I know it easy to feel down, but it is better to realize that the W you married does NOT exist and what OM has is just the shell of the woman that had your children.

She WILL regret what she has done, in due time. You don't get to establish when that will be but if she is human enough to be part of your consideration, eventually she will regret it.

Interestingly, when you do get to hear about her regrets, it will not matter to you. I won't matter NOW. They are just what they are HER regrets, not yours.

So go for the ulitmate revenge, ENJOY your life. It is time to look to the future, that is where you are headed no matter what.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Hi! JustJ good to see you around.

JustJ,

Yes I can see what you wrote being helpful. It kind of un-does all the ceremony and promising you do around the marriage commitment. Somehow signing legal documents in separate lawyer offices just doesn't quite achieve that emotional closure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


JL,

I think the problem is I am still trying to make her see things my way (which is the RIGHT way, by the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Which will never, ever get anywhere. You are right, they do deserve each other and the crappy life they'll have. That is punishment that fits the crime. An adulterer stuck with another adulterer. They will be able to punish each other! Really its kind of self policing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL and JustJ... Thanks for the pick-me-up. I really needed it!

Cheers,

Miker

Yes I wrote many letters but they never were seen by my ex's eyes. It was more healing for me to put it down on paper or even in an email.

Loved what JL said and it's very true. Live your life to the fullest, be happy, worry about you and your children. You may have moments where you miss your x, you may have moments where you even ache for her. It's ok let it come and then go. It gets better

Instead think of what you've learned and how far you've come.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miker:
<strong>
I think the problem is I am still trying to make her see things my way (which is the RIGHT way, by the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Which will never, ever get anywhere. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Miker my friend, It'll never happen and that comes from somebody that already tried it.

When they won't even show up for kids Dr.'s appt., won't show up for school conferences, won't show up for band performances or choir performances, won't even show up for awards ceremony's for the kids...trust me, they will NEVER see it your way.

To see it your way (and my way for that matter) would be acknowledging and affirming what THEY are responsible for and what they have done to their children and us BS's.

You know that isn't happening.

So live a good life and watch their world turn to crap. As a bonus, my XW is living with the married man she cheated on me with, yep, he is still married 14 months later and not in any hurry to file. Theres a good life for you...

As a side note, YES, I believe in Karma...don't care if it conflicts with my Christian beliefs or not, I've seen it too many times not too.

All the best Brutha

I don't know you, Mike, and I usually don't post on this board, but I just wanted to commend you for being so honest with yourself and admitting what your real motivation was to send the letter. Few people are open and honest enough with themselves to dig deep and learn why they do what they do (ahem - something your stbx is not doing apparently.)

I wish you well.

Em

Enchanted Lady,

Yes writing is very therapeutic to me. But I sometimes wonder whether sharing it with the guilty party would help. But after reading posts on here, and thinking about it is just plain a BAD idea to do that.

I want to live my life to the fullest and I was moving that direction really well. Then we signed the legal stuff and I seemed to revert back into a bit of an emotional rut. Just trying to figure out how to get out of it now.

RebornMan,

Funny. STBXWW seems to be showing lots of interest in the kids right now. I'm not complaining, I'm thinking its great but whether it sticks or not is another thing. She seems to be all over the place.

Yes Karma and what goes around comes around are two things that I like to believe as well. I also like to believe that good will come to good people eventually regardless of how bad others treat them.

I just hate it that she has someone (even though he's a dirtbag) and I am all by myself. Just doesn't seem fair. And I have a hard time just sitting back and letting things take care of themselves. I'm a do-er not a "wait and see" kind of guy.


EyeSeeEm,

Thank you. I honestly thought my motivation was to "move on" when I posted that first thread. It was only after reading what LostHusband said I thought... "What is the real reason I'm sending this? What I'm writing isn't helping me move on its trying to get her (WW) to understand what I'm feeling".

And in the end what good is that going to do? She obviously doesn't care much about how I feel anyways or else we wouldn't be in this situation to start with.

Hey look! I'm finally starting to get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Cheers,

Miker